Hello everyone....I hope there is some people out there who will give me some advice.<BR>When I was 19 I was living in a common law relationship and at the age of 21 had a beautiful daughter, by 23 I had a second child...an equally beautiful son. Two children was enough for us both emotionally and financially. I thought I would do the responsible thing and have a tubal liagation operation. My doctor at the time was very reluctant to preform the surgery but I insisted since I got pregnant for my son while faithfully taking birth control pill. He preformed the surgery in the end of June and then in mid-July my son age 14 months at the time was killed in a tragic accident.<BR>Since this happened my commonlaw H and I went through some very serious changes and lets just say the relationship got very very bad...bad to the point of abuse, and he became dependant on illegal drugs. I think a lot of it was to do with the guilt he was feeling from the death of our son because he was with him when it happened. Needless to say we seperated a couple years after it happened. Now Iam 29 and have remarried to a 35 year old man and he would like to have a child since he has none of his own. Part of me wants to but I am also scared. I have full custody of my daughter now age 8 and my new H has been the only real father figure she has had for the past couple years. He is very good to her in all ways...he basically spoils her rotten and I thank god everyday that I am lucky enough to have found such a wonderful husband and stepfather for my daughter. I am not sure what my problem is other than the tubal reversal surgery and the fear of having it done and then it not working... I fear getting pregnant and then miscarrying or something happening to this baby after it is born too. I don't think I can go through that again...the pain of loosing a child is something I can not even begin to describe. On the other hand I can not imaging not ever having a child of your own, so I can understand how he feels also. I keep replaying what my dad said to me when my son passed away (his only grandson) He said "honey, I know it hurts and I can not give you any explanations for it, but god works in mysterious ways but just try to believe that it is better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all" Naturally at the time it didn't help much but it sure makes a lot of sense today... I guess what I am trying to say is that I have already been blessed with the opportunity to have loved...even though I lost, but my H has never had the chance to love at all. If I can understand this why is it still so hard??? Any comments would be welcomed!!

Dear Marilyn,<P> <BR> I think the worst thing that can happen to a mother, is to outlive one of her children. I think it is very normal to be afraid of the possibility of re-living the worst nightmare any parent could imagine.<P> I also think the greatest gift a woman can give is the gift of life.<P> <BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Marilyn:<P>You're kind of on the wrong forum as this particular site deals with people who have been betrayed by their spouse, and that their spouse has conceived a child with someone else. <P>The people here are trying to repair marraiges that have suffered infidelity and the added horror of the third party having a child that should belong to the married couple.<P>But, as long as you are here and have asked a question, I will tell you that I was not able to have a child with my husband of twenty years. <P>I desperately wanted a child of our own. My husband would ask me many times throughout the years if we could do something, anything, to have a child of our own. He suggested invitro fertilization, surrogate mother, and other options. Because these options are so expensive, we were never able to do anything about it. By the time we had some money, I felt we were too old, I guess, and we let go of the dream. We were so grateful and happy to have each other and all the other blessings God had given us, that we felt we were enough for each other.<P>But, before we had problems, we had twenty years that by anyone's standards, would have been considered a successful and loving marriage. We were so close and so in love that while a child would have been the frosting on the cake, it did not diminish our love for each other or our bond.<P>You and your husband do not 'need' a child to make your marriage complete, close, involved, loving or valid. I found this out first hand. And when you say that your husband needs someone of his own to love, that can be you and your daughter. While he would desire a child of his own, he knew (didn't he?) when he married you that you had had a tubal and were not able to conceive a child and married you anyway.<P>However, people go in all the time and have tubals and vasectomies reversed. It can be done. It's a crap shoot as to whether or not it's successful, of course, but you and your husband could be the lucky ones. <P>If you have the money, the desire and inclination and this is a huge priority for both of you, it may be worth the risk. If it doesn't work, you must discuss ahead of time that you will feel disappointment but that only means that it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps the two of you have big enough hearts to include an adopted child into your lives.<P>I understand your fears and your husband's disappointment all too well, but that doesn't mean that your marriage is any less because it is just you and your husband and your daughter. The three of you can make a wonderful and loving family and perhaps even include a child that has no family and needs love and care.<P>Marilyn, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain or how some one can go on after such a tragedy. I have been spared that pain and will say a prayer for you and your son.<P>I hope and pray that if you decide to move forward with the tubal reversal, that you will be able to conceive and deliver a healthy child. I will also pray that if it doesn't happen that it will bring you and your husband closer and grateful for what you do have.<P>Catnip =^^=

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<small>[ November 28, 2004, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>