My WS W is about 24 wks. along and Jenn has suggested that I get an attorney to find out what my rights are. Well, when our family goes from a two income family to one, there's just not enough cash to pay a lawyer, not yet anyway. Plus, I was hoping to not have to talk with a lawyer..two weeks in Plan B, but no break yet. I have my two kids with me and I really just want to know what I should do..do I have to file for divorce before baby is born, does it matter who's name is on the birth certificate? Anyway, any info would be helpful.<BR>Floored

Dear Floored,<P>I hate to say this, but you must get a lawyer. You are talking about potential expenses of tens of thousands of dollars, and custody arrangements that might last a lifetime. Your children's futures might depend on what you choose to do. To avoid getting good legal help (say $500 worth of advice for now) makes no sense.<P>My wife and I are in the same boat. Not enough money. Debts mounting. But we did pay for lawyer's and therapists. (We needed to know where we stood, since OM is biological father of our youngest son). I asked my family for emergency help, and they have shared all they can. You could also take out a loan, refinance your house, or find some other way. (Maybe a good friend could help?) But you must get good legal advice. Please don't rely on what you hear from us here. None of us are professionals, though we will try to help. Also, laws vary from state to state, so it is hard to know what to say.<P>Two weeks. You are a strong and compassionate man. Your children are fortunate to have you with them,<P>StillTrying

I don't normally post on this board since there is no OC from my H's affair. But I wanted to reply to you with something that might be of help/interest to you.<P>In Texas there is an organization called "Texas Fathers for Equal Rights". Their number is probably listed. If not, you can do an internet search on them to find out more. They are not lawyers, but can teach you how to do most of the legal paperwork on your own. And they are a great support system!<P>Good luck to you.

Floored,<P>Well, from what I recall when my H and I first posted, Bystander had some good "legal" advise. I believe he stated that it would be best if you contested paternaty before the baby is born to avoid being forced to pay for this child. I know that I was real hard on him at the time as we were still going through our decision/beginning of recovery at that time. I am about 5 weeks ahead of your wife, and have been following your threads a lot. Is she still involved with OM? If so, I would definately try that "Fathers for equal rights" that Angelface mentioned. They would be able to give you the best advise in your situation. Also, check with your family, like Stilltrying suggested. From what I understand from Bystander, if you are married, then your name will be on the birthcertificate, unless you contest it. Hopefully Bystander will appear soon, he can help you better than I can. I hope it all works out, and continue with the good work in Plan B.<P>Tigger

<BR>floored,<P>There is a lot of misconception about the "name on the birth ceritificate." The misconception stems in part, I think, from the notion that the birth certificate has some legal force. While state laws vary, its safest to assume that the name on the birth certificate means absolutely nothing.<P>What matters for this discussion is the *legal* establishment of paternity. And this is where you are very vulnerable right now. Because you are married to this woman, you are *automatically* assumed to be the father of the child via the notorious "presumption of paternity" law. It doesn't matter that the child is really someone else's biologically. Because you are the husband, YOU are legally the father of the child UNLESS you pro-actively rebut this presumption. This means you CAN and WILL be ordered to pay extortionary "child support" for another man's child to your STBX - even if she's shacking up with the OM! Don't think it can't happen to you, either.<P>I haven't followed your story closely enough to understand why you have your two kids right now, although this is very good. Why is this, though? Has your wife ceded custody to you? Have you filed for a temporary custody order for the children? If you haven't filed for temporary custody you should do so IMMEDIATELY. Because once she sees a layer, that lawyer will file for a temporary custody order on her behalf - and being female, she'll probably get it unless you've already filed first. Make no mistake, once she sees the money you can be ordered to pay in "child support," expect the gloves to come off in a custody fight. If you've got the kids now, use this situation to your maximum advantage or you'll deeply regret it later. Get a temporary custody order entered NOW.<P>I agree with StillTrying. Anyone who would try and save five thousand on lawyer's fees today only to pay hundreds of thousands later in "child support" is a fool. Do WHATEVER it takes to secure a lawyer for the following: (1) obtaining a temporary custody order entered on your behalf for your two children, and (2) legally denying paternity of the child in utero. You need a lawyer NOW, and all the blabber on this board isn't going to change that fact. Call a lawyer NOW.<P>Bystander

Bystander:<P>Just as a legal argument, can you actually deny paternity of a child in utero? My impression is that the courts won't do anything until the child is born---at that point, the paternity should be challenged.<P>Floored: I do think getting the temporary custody order for the kids is a good thing to do. As Bystander points out, it gives you legal leverage, should your wife change her mind about these arrangements. And it doesn't have to be a LB, if you handle this delicately. If she calls panicked (and I would answer, even if you're in "Plan B" mode), just let her know that you're going through the legal business of formalizing your custody agreement, and it doesn't affect your wanting to reconcile with her in the least.

K,<P>I used the phrase "child in utero" to reference the OM's child. But you're right, my sentence was lexically ambiguous.<P>The courts would never order a DNA test on an unborn child. The risks of an amnio swamp the informational gain (timing) in establishing paternity. Still, by seeing a lawyer beforehand he can have all the paperwork ready to go the moment the child is born. If his lawyer is efficient, he can have paternity rebutted within mere days of the child's birth. The sooner he gets the paternity albatross off his back, the better. Plus, by seeing a lawyer now floored will have a complete understanding of exactly how high he could be hung on the income shares cross if he does nothing to protect himself.<P>Bystander<p>[This message has been edited by Bystander (edited January 08, 2001).]