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#791524 01/11/01 11:33 PM
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I am having a hard time with certain areas in particular. I know I haven't been here for a while. But just to refresh, we moved to Ohio in October. My H had to get a job to cover the child support. Mind you we still can't buy a home, and must rent. We have nothing left after bills to try to save for a house. My h is doing very well at his job, in fact was told today if he keeps up he will be a Director in the corporation in a year to 18 months. But what is the first thing I think of, great than SHE will get more money. That if he got this great promotion that would allow us to get a house if we didn't pay child support. But she will get the extra, and we still won't be able to get a home. Part of me wants him never to get a raise, just so that she won't get anything else. I hate for her to profit even more from his good work, and our dedication to get on with our lives. Right now, if the law allowed her to go back to court she would get an additional $250 based on his new salary and then we couldn't pay our bills. I just wish that there was a cap on how much she can get. It really isn't about money, it is about her reaping the benefits of what we work so hard for. We want to be able to send our daughter to private school if we want, and get a home, so that she has a room she can call her own. So while we struggle, and he works the long hours, in the end we will not receive the rewards. And that makes me sicker than anything. To move, try to heal, and yet every three years she goes into court and wants a raise in her spending money. Mind you, when I spoke to her she flatly told me she only really needs $200 a month, not $600. <P>Now I fear that I will have to work just to have that comfort cushion. How do I let go of these fears, when they will happen. If he was to get this raise in the future, then after her cut, we would get back the amount we pay out. So $600 more a month, for a $20,000 raise, how is that fair. Will we never be able to run our lives the way we want? Like I said I hope you all don't think I am complaining about money. It is the constant loss of control to this nightmare for the next fifteen years, and three months, not that I am counting. When I can release the chains, and live our lives the way we want. We have had problems already with the system taking too much moeny out of his checks. No one likes the government being in their paycheck, makes me feel like big brother is always watching everything, and nothing is just ours to decide. Thanks for letting me vent. <P>babstr.

#791525 01/12/01 12:07 AM
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babstr, i can totally feel what you are feeling. the same thoughts torture my mind too. only we don't have a child yet. i always identify with you a little because we are close in age. that is why i missed you when you were gone.<P>i planned on being a full time mom, and maybe just maybe working a couple of 12 hour shifts a month as a nurse when we had kids. now, i will have to work at least a couple of 12's a week when we finally have kids and i am finally done with school.<P>i don't know how your childhood was, but i was raised by a wonderful single father, who by the way received no child support from my mother. we never had a house, but i was a happy kid. i have a dad that adored me and my sister and we were a happy family. i too want a house for my children someday, but it doesn't look too good. i get sad about that somedays, but then i remember that we never owned a house, always rented, and we were a family. the love of parents is the most important thing to a child, and where they live comes in after that. i know that isn't what we always want, but you can still have a happy family and marriage, without a house etc.<P>i too agree that there should be a cap on child support. why should it keep going up and up. especially when there was never a marriage to begin with. the woman got pregnant from a married man. it sickens me. my h will not ever make tons of money because he is in construction. and luckily i guess, he can make money under the table sometimes to supplement our income and keep that money away from the OW.<P>we don't know how the OW will be. i can only pray she doesn't constantly go back for more support. she isn't very law savvy, and according to her she only wants a last name for her daughter and a reasonable amount of money a month. or so she says. i don't trust her as far as i can throw her, which coincidentally is NOT very far. lol. sorry, my humor keeps me going sometimes.<P>the feeling of no control is what really bothers me. not knowing what is in store for us, etc. she will always be in our lives somehow, thru those re-assessments every 2 years as required i think by law here in arizona, she will always get an increase possibly when we go back to court. it is disgusting.<P>babstr, i am so glad you are back. we all need eachother here. it is a great group we have going here. too bad we didn't all meet in the "let's trade recipes" forum somewhere.<P>take care! things will be okay in the end.<P>love, happy_girl

#791526 01/12/01 07:42 AM
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Thanks happy girl. My parents had to rent too until I was in highschool. It just burns me that without having to pay more and more every year we could have a house. I am sure that my OW will have her butt in court right on the dot every time period. Why would she do this, because she already has her first daughter that she went thru with this. So she has two suckers on the rope who pay her child support. I also know after we moved she lost what nice part her because she realized that my H was not going to be around. So she went around the military base telling everyone he was a deadbeat dad, and how awful he was. Why didn't she say anything before, because he was there, and she couldn't say those things. So I am sure now she will go back for more. There is no chance that my H will see her child and now the revenge is in full swing. It is burning her up from what I am told that she doesn't know exactly where we live. Of course the lovely child support system gave her his new employer. So she now doesn't know what his income is, she will be back. <P>Like I said I just hate that she has this much influence in our lives. I am thinking about going back to school for my master's degree so that I can maybe teach elementary. That way I would be home when my daughter gets out of school eventually and I would have summers off. My daughter is only 2, but I am trying to think ahead, and take control of my life. I will not work while my children are not in school. That was the deal my husband made with me, and he will have to figure out how to keep that promise. It was made before this mess came out. <P>I just hate that on April 9, 2016 when the chain is removed, my own daughter will be graduating from highschool, and I will be 43, talk about blowing my thirties away before I am even there. Boy, will I have BIG PARTY for my 44 birthday. The only joy I have is thinking we will feel like we have won the lottery when we don't have to pay that child support. And that we will be able to then put that money towards our daughter's college education. YIPPPEEE! I think in fifteen to eighteen years we should all get together for a get out of jail party!! What do you think???<P>babstr.

#791527 01/12/01 08:19 AM
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Aw Babster... you got me tickled (even in the middle of this terrible subject). I will be 43 in June. OC will be 1 year old in July. So, by my higher math, I will be looking at this nightmare until I am 60 years old. Talk about blowing your life! I always knew I would be in my 50's when my boys graduated high school (1 & 2nd grade this year). But I really did not expect to have to pay for college for them and pay this god awful CS also for OC. So in my eyes, you "babies" have it easy! Gee whiz, you will be through this nightmare before you hit menopause! Can you imagine that... menopause & CS payments. It is enough to make you want to start drinking. Early in the day. Like right now. (just joking).<P>My H makes good money, but I still work. I was hoping one day to quit (even though my work situation is very easy on me). I am just tired of propping H up. My salary goes to our "extras", but we haven't had a family vacation in years. I don't wear expensive clothes, kids go to public schools, I don't get nails done, etc. I really get a little irked about it also. My in-laws live from month to month and my 79 year old father-in-law still works laying brick to supplement their SS checks (so they can pay for LOTS of medicine my MIL has to have). I can tell you where I would rather sent a check each month. <P>Yes, I vote for a "get out of jail party". But a few of us will be getting up there. Maybe if we start taking Geritol now we will have energy to party all night! Ha!<P>Take care... Carolyn

#791528 01/12/01 08:58 AM
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Takingcare,<P>sorry, I guess your right menopause and child support. That might push me over the edge. We are all in such different stages of our lives. I am glad that I put a smile on your face for a little while. I guess there isn't any good age that this should happen. I am still going to look forward to that party, hey it gives us something to strive for. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>babstr.<BR>

#791529 01/12/01 09:53 AM
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Just want to add something I read from the EN board about how men give us so many problems:<P>MENopause<BR>MENstruation cramps<BR>MENtal illness<BR>MENtal breakdown<P>Love from weep

#791530 01/12/01 10:01 AM
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Babstr:<P>What's wrong about complaining about the money? Money CAN buy happiness in the form of security and peace of mind. <P>When you are raising a family, have a husband and a child to think of, dreams of having a home but an obligation to an interloper dashes those dreams, it certainly is about the money to me. At least in a significant part. Don't apologize about any of this being about the money. Because it is and that's OK.<P>It is also about control and the lack thereof in your own lives. Being dictated to by the state and having significant portions of your income going to a manipulating shrew who knew your husband was married and went ahead anyway.<P>I am not discounting you because you are a 'puppy', but I wanted to tell you that at 51 I have found that age is a state of mind. If you will be only 43 when your nightmare ends, (I'll be 68!) you'll still very, very young by todays standards because life expectancy has lengthened considerably. People are younger now than ever, especially if you take care of yourself.<P>I find one of the toughest things about all this is that the OW's are treated as if they are long term spouses and there seems to be a real campaign out there designed to punish the men and no consideration is given to the innocent families of these people. And to me, this is the greatest injustice. It's as if these OW's are being 'rewarded' for their disgraceful behavior.<P>Another thing that gets me is that is does not cost that much to raise a child. In my life I never spent more than a couple hundred a month on my kids for food, clothes, necessities, etc. And where is it written that our spouses are responsible for providing everything for these OC's? Isn't the OW responsible to figure out how to care for a child she kept that she had no business keeping? It was her choice to keep it, after all. She never asked our permission to do this to us. We had no say in her 'choice'.<P>Eeeew, this burns me. In order to make any extra money to realize your dreams, to buy a house, you have to consider going back to work which in itself is a sin because the OW gets to stay at home with the OC but you cannot stay home with your child.<P>Child support reform is something that is sorely needed and with this new less liberal administration, I am hoping that something can be implemented to adjust the burden from the innocent families and allow people like you to have the freedom to make more money without having to increase the support for the 'outsiders'. <P>I remember when I flew out to meet OW she told me "I just want a little bit of money for the baby" and six months later, in court, she sued for a whopping $3000 per month. Never trust or believe an OW, they have their agenda.<P>Babstr, I believe this will wash out for you and you will have your house and some of life's bounty and extra's. Something's got to change, something's got to happen soon because these new aggressive and unjust support laws are killing us. They are evil.<P>I like your idea about teaching and being home when your daughter is home during summer vacation. This could work well for you and give you the additional income you need without taking quality and important time away from your daughter.<P>Catnip =^^= <P>

#791531 01/12/01 10:27 AM
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Catnip, Your words are my feelings also what can we do to get something rolling on these issues. If anybody knows what we can do to change some of this crazyness. I will do my part. Its about time we stand up for ourselves and our voices are heard. ROARRRR with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

#791532 01/13/01 12:07 AM
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Catnip,<P>Once again your words of wisdom are right on target. I know that I am young, but it still hard to realize that my young years are being semi-robbed because of this situation. I do think that we should try to do something about these laws. I am sick of hearing all about how hard it must be to raise a child, those poor OWs have it so rough. That is the line my OW tried to tell me. That here life wasn't that great because she had a child with no father. Of course she didn't have a reply when I told her SHE chose to sleep with a married man, and she knew way before she had that child that there would be no father. There was no relationship. I don't have a OW who pleads that she was lied to. I have a OW who is just an idiot. She doesn't understand the difference between being married and dating. And she thinks that everyone should be able to be a happy family. Why is the world am I giving this idiot money every month when she knew before she ever set eyes on my H, that he would never be involved with her. <P>Your right it burns me up too!! How is it even possible that so many years later these women are rewarded. I have said before, if the money went into a trust fund, or was paid directly for certain bills, than there would be some control. But directly giving her a check to spend how she pleases kills me. <P>There were times through anger that my H had wished the OW dead. I am sure that we have all been there. But the ironic part of something happening to the OW. I told my H, the state would still take his money, because afterall they would be the OW then. And they could ask for more and more constantly. That is an odd part of this too that no one thinks about. Because my uncle passed away this summer, I think about it. Would the law bring that child to our house is something happened to the OW? These are yet more things that need to be known, and if the OW wills the child to a friend, does the law then send the money to them? My mind is on a fury roll. Sorry I rambled, but like all of you I am sick of being a victim. And I wish with my voice and vote that I could legitimately make some changes. But I fear in this liberal world, there will never be any help for the victims who had no choices. <P>babstr.

#791533 01/12/01 02:16 PM
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I justed wanted to let everyone know that I agree that too often the OW gets entirely too much CS. CS makes much more sense after a divorce. I thought that the rationale behind CS computations was to enable the child to have the same standard of living that he/she had prior to the divorce. However, in the case of a child born out of an affair, that child was not accustomed to any particular standard of living. Accordingly, there should be a CS computation for children born out of affairs and a different computation applied to children of divorced parents.

#791534 01/12/01 03:09 PM
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Bab...<P>I fee the same way that everyone else does, but as o fright now, my case different but alike.<BR>Since we requested a PT test and the ow did not take the oc to have the test done, the case with the state was dropped. We have not heard anything from the courts concerning this. <BR>H has sent money out of a want. When H saw the boys before Xmas for the first since last January, he was hurt by how they looked and were dressed. The ow tried to make him feel guilty by saying she thought that he had abandon them. Our ow is not smart and h did not realized that ow was a nasty person that looks and dress sloppy and keep a nasty house. H said that the times he was there ow and others put on a front for him. Now he has seen the true side and he does not like what he sees. We just pray that the boys are taken care and she be a mother to them and realize that there bio father and family want to be a part of the boys life, which would be good for them.<BR>Take care.. ITS

#791535 01/12/01 11:24 PM
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I have had these resentments, but I try not to dwell on them. Maybe it "helped" that my H got a big promotion right before the child support, so our standard of living actually went up a LITTLE, even though most of the raise goes to XOW... I just make a point of thinking as little as possible how I resent over 5,000/year going to the "friend" who betrayed me. That money would pay for my college classes. It would help us afford adoption(that REALLY hurts). Or it could be put into our house-buying fund (no, we don't have one either).<P>Instead, I try to think of this money as being for the Ochild (who really is in poverty), and I also think of it as our form of "tithing" or charity... Maybe in 16 years we can ACTUALLY tithe and still<BR>have an increase in income!!! That's worth a giggle to me.<P>I'm really sorry we're all in this spot, and I know for some of you it really is NOT for the OC, because some people are selfish. But we are all here for each other. And THAT is the good in the world. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#791536 01/12/01 11:33 PM
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it is amazing some days to come here and read everyones thoughts and feelings and feel like i could have been posting the same thing. i will be 40 and h 42 when this all ends. unless the OC goes to college. that seems like so long from now for me. i can't imagine that sometimes. when i told my h one day how old we would be before we would stop paying, he was a bit shocked. <P>as always, i learned a lot from all of your opinions and ideas. thanks.<P>happy_girl<P>p.s. ours should end around october of 2015, i will definitely be up for a party. and might be able to afford it then!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited January 12, 2001).]

#791537 01/13/01 08:01 AM
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I will tell you what, hell will freeze over before I will pay for college for the OC. My parents didn't pay for my college no one forced them to pay for it. I don't care what they say there is no reason that we would have to pay for the OC college. There are no laws that make parents pay for college. The only reason I will be able to pay for my daughter's college is because when she goes I will be released from this payment. Boy, this whole thing burns me up. For what I am sending that woman, there isn't anything that she won't be do for that child. Private school, clothes, everything. But of course that is if the money is going for the child, which we know it isn't. <P>babstr.

#791538 01/13/01 10:14 AM
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This will be over for us Oct 19, 2017 that is if oc is done with school overwise it goes on till the age of 19 1/2. I just have a feeling that there will be alot more expence when this kid turns about 15 and starts getting in troble with the law and everthing else that is sure to follow. But I bet you can count on it as to who will be to blame. I can hear it now that rotten father that never had anything to do with his son. Maybe some miricle will happen and she will find some poor sucker to be the father of her [censored] child. I so wish that these idiots would have thought for 1 second the results of what they where doing. with love flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited January 13, 2001).]


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