Reality,<BR>That's a clever name, it seems so innocent until what you have to say will be so painful. My W gave me the news, D-day on Aug. 27th, 2000 at about 9:30pm..Sunday night after church. D-day, (Discovery Day), will be an event you both will remember for a very long time, especially your H. I have mixed emotions posting a reply to you, since I am a betrayed spouse (BS), but I admire you for realizing how hurtful your actions have been and that you want to fight for your marriage. You have already heard from the "Numero Uno", K, so I would just like to reiterate what he and others have already said. First of all, you can't imagine the pain your husband will feel. I remember the disbelief the first day and then heart wrenching pain for weeks. If your husband really thinks you hung the moon, then I hope he loves you enough to give you a second chance. I always told my W that if she ever had an affair, "You'd be outa here!", but two kids and an A later, I am the one fighting for her and OC. I agree with K that you should make an appointment with one of the Harley's and get a good plan to tell your H ASAP. I would also tell you that in order for your H to not feel more threatened, you have to commit to NO contact with OM. That has been the single most painful thing that I still feel with my W. Knowing that she feels obligated to him and wants or needs to talk to him rips at my soul. To show your H that you are serious and you REALLY love him, not OM, you have to avoid all contact. I, like the others, suggest that if you haven't told OM that you are pregnant, DON'T. If my W decides to work on our marriage and OM is involved, I'm not sure I could do it. Two's company, three's definitely a crowd. An affair is an extremely selfish act, when you look back on it, and this needs to be a time of reaffirmation to your H. He still doesn't have a clue what is about to happen to him. Take a few more days to make sure you do it the right way and try and lessen the pain he is about to experience. I am thankful that you are a Christian..talk to your pastor..he will help. Remember King David and Bathsheba? David was a man after God's own heart. How could he do what he did? He even had a man murdered on top of having an affair. God is all knowing and all caring and he WILL forgive you if you ask. Self forgiveness is probably what you will have to deal with. I know K's W is dealing with self forgiveness right now and it's been over 2 years for her. Anyway, sorry for rambling, but know that we here at MB have either walked in your shoes or in your H's, so encourage your H to read "Surviving an Affair", "After an Affair" and "Torn Assunder". These are very good books that really helped make sense of the emotions you will experience. <BR>God Bless you,<P>Floored <p>[This message has been edited by floored (edited January 15, 2001).]

Reality; <P>I dont have much advice here; I am just flabbergasted at the whole situation and concerned for everyone involved. I NEVER thought that I would feel bad for a betrayer; however; in your case-I feel for both you and your H. At least you can see the devestation that your actions can and most certainly will cause...regardless of whom you tell first about the pregnancy. My advice is the same as tigger's; Tell your H first-first of all, he WILL be the FIRST to notice any changes in your body...Your first obligation (especially if you want to save your marriage) is to your H and your family...then take every one else step by step; person by person...If there was no pregnancy involved, then you may have been able to keep it from other family members; however; that is not the case at all. Your situation breaks my heart. I feel for you...try not to stress too much (I know; easier said than done) YOU have to think of your health and the child's health...It is going to be difficult; but if it is meant to be with you and your H; ultimately he WILL be furious in the beginning; but the shock; anger; hurt will all fade in time and he will come back to you...Or maybe he will never leave you. In my case; I am the betrayed-from my prospective; In the beginning; I thought I would NEVER forgive him; I thought I would NEVER want him back; but now; since I threw him out on DDay (Discovery Day); I am struggling to bring him home...He was angry at my reaction to his betrayal. Now, 7 months later, we are trying to work on being friends first; then we will go from there. All I can say is Good Luck and I will keep you and your family in my prayers...Prayer is a POWERFUL thing.<P>aloneandsad<P>

I appreciate everyone being so up front and honest with your thoughts. Just Learning, when you said to dig deep and find out WHY I choose to have the affair....I have, and I know I have some answers, when it started I was at a very dangerous place in my life, emotionally. I had found myself questioning my own womanhood, nothing I had to give was ever enough. And in my H eyes I was a prude,fridged & not any good at sex. So, when my self esteem finally crashed, my anger took over and I was going to 'get him back". Not that any reason would ever be an excuse for any Adultery! And that is coming from someone who knows the pain from both sides. See, my Mother was an Adulteress Woman....She finally ran off with a 23yr. old when I was a teenager, and she called the house to tell me that she was never coming back and for me to tell my father. It took me two very long days before I had the strength to tell my Dad what my Mom had done. The heart ache seemed unbarable. I hated and resented my Mom for all of it, and swore I would NEVER NEVER do anything like that! So, why do I sit here now...Could it be that I am that adult child of an Adulterer who could never outgrow the shame & guilt, and through my anger could never earase the fear of turning out like her, that I find myself repeating her mistakes? See my heart aches for my Sons, as well as my H. My Husband has been up front with his wrongs towards me and knows that he has deeply wounded me in our marriage. But, my sons are innocent. I prided my self in always doing every thing right, and I am a giver who loves to take care of everything and everyone. And one day....I just broke! I was so weakend and tired, the "Taker" in me took over. In my position I hate that I would be saying these things out of reasons why...because answering why, seems like excuses to me......And I was down right wrong! <P>I don't know what will become of all this, and for that I am scared. But, I do know that my Lord is all I really have right now to get me through this and for that I am thankful. I will take your advice to call for phone counseling.<BR>I have kept a journal over the last several years of my life. And I have titled it:<P> Yesterday, I cried<BR> Today, I survived<BR> Tomorrow, I will strive<BR> Eventually, I will ARRIVE!<P>I am just not quite ready to tell either my H or the OM anything right now. At least not today. I am only 7 weeks along, and it is to much right now. I am needing to anchor down my fort, for this storm I am about to hit "my own home" with.<BR>I just ask for you to continue us in your prayers. I am asking God for strength and wisdom and perfect timing. Thanks again for all your advice.

Reality,<P>There will be no perfect time to tell your H. But talking with a counselor as K has suggested my provide you some strategies to minimize the pain a bit.<P>As for you being the daughter of an Adultress, I don't think it is genetic. But I do suspect you knew the way to hurt your H in the maximum way. You got to see your Dad have to deal with it. You got to see yourself and perhaps siblings deal with it, so you had some idea of the level of pain. <P>However, I also suspect you were looking for comfort as well as revenge. I suspect you found both.<P>The truely sad thing is that you won't ever know how bad this going to hurt your H. I doubt you comprehended how bad your Dad was hurt. Just as men can never truely understand childbirth, you cannot comprehend what you are about to do to him. Not just the affair but the thing subliminally most men fear most, the child isn't theirs.<P>Reality, do your best to prepare. I hope that you read K's post carefully. It may not seem like it to you right this minute, but he has outlined the best and perhaps only hope for your marriage to survive. He knows what he is talking about. He recommends Steve Harley, because Steve coached him through this terrible mess from the other side. He can coach you through this mess from your side.<P>I will say the sooner you tell your H the better. It will get the situation rolling and leave you and H the most options. It will give him more time to adjust before the baby arrives or you are showing too much. Believe it, adjustment will take months.<P>So do your homework. The people here will help you as best they can and they will help your H as best they can if he does eventually come here. This is not an event that either of you will be proud to talk about to family and friends so talk with your counselor, your pastor, and of course come and vent here.<P>This thing is messy,but with the grace of God and some very hard work it is doable. It will require a love from you of your H that you haven't conceived of yet and it will require more of your H than he ever imagined he has in him.<P>I suspect your boys, particularly the older one, will be very embarrassed. But if you both love them and don't abandon them as your mother did you, they will survive this. It will be hard on them, but you are their mother and this childs mother. So I suspect it will not be quite as traumatic as for your H. But still consider getting counseling for them as well. This is something to ask your counselor or Harley if you call him.<P>The experts will be back here in the morning to talk further I am sure.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>JL<P>

Reality:<P>While it is often tough for me to respond to or identify with something I know nothing about, I can pray for you and your family.<P>The advice you have received and the comfort you have been offered is wonderful and there is nothing I can add except my support and best wishes. The bad choices are over and now it is time to make the good choices...the ones that will bring love and understanding into your marriage.<P>Let the healing begin...<P>Catnip =^^=

Reality,<P>I am not in your position and I have also hesitated to offer advice in such a sensitive situation. But, I was shocked at the fact that your mother told you to tell your father she had run off with another man. That must have been such a horrible thing for you, particularly as a teenager, a time when you are confused about yourself, sexuality and growing up.<P>As Just Learning said, I don't believe that you are repeating the mistakes your mother made. But, I imagine that the way in which she abandoned her family left some pretty deep scars, even though you may have not known it.<P>And, it is a good chance that the insecurities and hurt feelings you experienced at that time may have shaped your reaction to problems in your marriage. The wonderful thing is that you have owned up to the wrong that has been done, and you are going to try to hold your family together.<P>I pray that your H in time will join you in the process of healing your marriage for the sake of the family that you have built together. As others have said, this will not be easy for him. But with God's help, hopefully you can get through it.<P>- Heavenly

Dear Reality,<P>Are you talking to anyone now? Are you not talking to other man? You need help desperately, but it matters very much whom you confide in.<P>My wife got pregnant by other man, and did not tell me. She confided in him throughout the pregnancy (in secret) and let me raise the child thinking he was my own. I found out a few months later.<P>Please, please do not do this to your husband. Please tell him now.<P>I know how much pain and confusion you are feeling. Your raw emotions are probably driving everything. But I will list a few reasons to tell your husband immediately, and not to tell the other man.<P>(1) Your husband has the right to choose how to live his own life. To stay married or to divorce, to raise this baby or not to raise it. By lying to him, you are using him the same way you would use an object. You steal his choices. Please tell him now. I would have chosen to raise my youngest child had I known during the pregnancy, rather than after I had been caring for him every day for months. But I never was able to make that choice, because I found out at a point at which I could not turn my back on him.<P>(2) In my wife's case, the experience of going through the pregancy lying every day to me and confiding every day in the other man enormously deepened her attachment to him. (That is how love works; it is a simple emotional response to stimuli). Still, he dropped her immediately upon discovery to save his own marriage. And she suffered terrible pain for months and months. I never knew what pain was until we were each there coping with the aftermath. And our pain was terrible for almost a full year. The sooner you cut off from other man, and the sooner you tell your husband, the less pain you will suffer in the long run.<P>(3) The level of betrayal you are considering (by letting other man know about your pregnancy at a time when your husband does not) is so much worse than anything that you have alreay done, you can't imagine. Please, stop at this point. Knowing that your wife was carrying someone else's child AND CONFIDING IN THEM, while you were loving and caring for her and helping her through the pregancy thinking it was your own, knowing that is terrible.<P>Enough reasons to tell your husband immediately. And to follow K's excellent advice.<P>Let me just close by telling you what might happen. You might divorce. I have no way of knowing how your husband will react. But you might rebuild something wonderful. My own situation sounds much worse than yours. The other man was actually visiting my son in secret! But our marriage is thriving now, and our children are very happy, and our youngest, this beautiful child, is an absolute angel. He just got back from a trip and wouldn't let me put him down for hours.<P>I know that your emotions are driving everything. I have lived this. But here are a few parting ideas. My own perspective. You can take or leave any of it. I don't know what actually applies to you.<P>First, I know that you love other man. Emotions are meaningless as guides towards behavior. ACT SO AS TO CREATE THE EMOTIONS YOU DESIRE. DON'T LET YOUR EMOTIONS BLOW YOU ALONG OUT OF CONTROL. At one point my wife told me that she couldn't imagine anyone had ever loved the way she had. She doesn't say that now. Her emotions, and mine, changed in very predictable ways during recovery. <P>Second, either your or the other family will have to move, immediately. You cannot survive this as neighbors. In my case the other family was also best friends. Fortunately they moved away. It is enough that I have to look at my former friends face every day when I play with my youngest child. Actually having him next door would be impossible.<P>Third, do not blame any of this on your husband. Take full responsibility on yourself. Nothing he did forced you to have the affair, and he will respect you far more for owning up to your own responsibility. <P>Fourth, do get a personal counsellor, as well as a marriage counsellor. My wife and I are each still in therapy and it has perhaps saved us. Find out who you are, and then work with your husband to rebuild a marriage in which you are each extremely happy. It is not easy, but it is enormously rewarding.<P>Fifth, unless you divorce tomorrow, please leave other man entirely out of your child's life. He has no right to this child, and cannot be a part of its life unless YOU bring him in. He cannot sue in most states unless YOU let him. You must be absolutely clear here - YOU CHOOSE THE OTHER MAN'S ROLE. HE HAS NO MORAL OR LEGAL RIGHTS. HIS CONTINUED INVOLVEMENT WILL LIKELY END YOUR MARRIAGE. I love my wife very much, but I would not continue in this marriage if other man were also a part. <P>I am deeply sorry for your pain. I wish for your courage and strength, and the support you will need in the years to come,<P>StillTrying<P>

Dear Reality, I really cant add anymore than what has already been said just that If I can help in any way I will. So sorry for everyone involved that this has happened. With love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

Dear Reality,<P>I was worried that my first post to you was too intense, too focused on your husband and on what you should do. I meant and believe every word, but somehow I missed the most important thing of all.<P>Are you alright? (Of course not, stupid question on my part). I remember what my wife went through. Confusion, grief, guilt, denial, enormous pain, hopelessness alternating with ecstasy. I don't know what you are feeling now, exactly. But you must be overwhelmed with confusion and pain and guilt. Some of that has come through in your letters, particularly the one in which you worried about the sex of the child.<P>Please find a good therapist to help you. You matter very much. You are coping with perhaps the greatest crisis of your life, and will need help. We will all try to be there for you, but we are just fellow travellers. To help with a burden of grief as great as yours, you will need a good therapist, your husband, and loyal friends who will stick by you but who aren't afraid to tell you the truth. I wish for you each of these things.<P>May God grant you wisdom and courage,<P>StillTrying<P>

Still trying, thank you for your concern. I am not sure how I am right now? But, the sun keeps coming every morning. <BR>For all of you H that have been in this situation, I need some advice....I know when I tell my H, he is going to want to know ALL. He is so detailed...Who, What, When, Where, What it was like, ect. He has questioned and questioned me about former boyfriends from my teen years. And I don't feel it has been healthy, because He later uses it against me. And I know it adds to his insecurities. My H knows my whole cycle, exatly when I have my periods, when I ovulate, ect. He prides himself on knowing "ALL". I don't feel like we have had very good boundries in that area..because I have never had any privacy, down to him knowing what underware I wear everyday. I think my H's mind thinks to much, and if I give him any details at all about my love affair...he will run with it in his mind and constantly want to know the comparison. I need to know just how much I should tell him and that be enough. Husbands, please give me some advice...

Reality:<P>I think that eventually, your husband has a right to have his questions answered. It's one of the fundamental MarriageBuilder rules---the rule of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3903_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Complete Honesty.</A> But if you're uncomfortable with this approach, it's probably because your husband punishes you with "Lovebusters" when you are honest (thereby discouraging the honesty). Right now, you're not really in complete, total romantic love with your husband. And if you unload this on him and give him complete details without appropriate safeguards, it's likely he will respond with behavior that will weaken your feelings for him.<P>So, what do you do?<P>I suggest discussing this with a counselor---either one of the Harley's (888-639-1639 for appointments), or with your counselor. My best advice would be that you tell him either in the presence of your counselor (if that's the way you go), or have an appointment lined up with Steve or Jenn Harley for him after disclosure, so that he can discuss all this with them.<P>Eventually, you're going to need to be completely honest. But your husband probably isn't appropriately "trained" to deal with this honesty in the most constructive way. I'd encourage you to try to provide avenues for him to get this training immediately after disclosure---that's why the counseling is so critical.

Dear Reality,<P>You have only one option, really. Tell him, in complete honesty, everything that he wants to know.<P>He might handle that information well, or misuse it. But you have been making choices for him for too long. It is his right to hear the honest truth, and his right to make his own mistakes once he does. If you want to control or manipulate him, I would recommend considering divorce instead. It just isn't fair.<P>If you are worried about the disclosure, you might arrange a session with a counselor and do it there, so that an unbiased third party could help your husband. (If he wanted help).<P>If your husband uses information from the past against you, that is a completely separate topic. It does not mean you should withold the truth from him, as you would withold a dangerous toy from a small child. Instead it means that you need to learn how to stick up for yourself and not acquiesce in such treatment. And he needs to learn not to do it.<P>But that is for another time. Expect him to want to know facts, and expect him to use some of them against you. After all, these facts define the situation he is in, and he must cope with pain, loyalty and fatherhood in a way that few men are ever called on to do. Let him do so by his own free choices.<P>My wife didn't come to tell me, so you are starting out in a better position. And I discovered the affair after our child was born. Again, you are poised to do this in a much more compassionate way for your husband. And my wife felt emotionally divorced from me, and saw little point in our marriage at the time. Again, you are poised to do this in a way that gives you a good chance of success.<P>But my wife did, upon discovery, tell me the complete truth. Everything I wanted to know. And she continued to be honest through all the difficult months afterwards. I held onto her honesty. It was the only thing we had, and she stuck to it when asked to reveal very difficult things, and without it our marriage could not have been revived.<P>The hardest thing you will have to do is to restore trust, and you can't do so by witholding information or by lying.<P>I wish you well. It does get better.<P>StillTrying<P>

<BR>Reality,<P>You OWE your H total honesty. If you want a real marriage, you must be prepared to tell him <I>everything he wants to know</I>. The reason I used italics is because hearing the gory details helps some heal faster, while for others it slows healing. However, the decision whether to hear all the details is your husband's decision, not yours. Not now, not ever. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll protect your H by keeping him ignorant. After all, hearing a line like, "I'm pregnant by the neighbor, but that's all you need to know. I'm not telling you anything else for your own benefit" would be infuriating beyond imagination.<P>As a practical matter, I've seen enough people here in MB get burned by asking a lot of questions soon after D-Day, and then regretting it later. I think the rational thing to do is to tell your H you will answer any questions he has - I mean ANY questions - but request that he make certain he really wants to know the answer.<BR> <BR>Bystander

Reality,<BR>I agree with the three men before me. I know for myself I asked alot of questions that I regretted later. How many times? Did you regret it?..at the point she was when the affair happened, NO..she didn't regret it and you might not have either. Even though that hurt me to hear that, it was honest and I appreciated that. There were other questions, but you get the picture. I agree with Bystander in telling husband to ask only what he wants to know, but my W did ask me if I really wanted to know and I still said yes. Usually those questions were the one's I wished I hadn't asked, but your H won't be in his right mind and will probably make the same mistake. I know I felt that she might be hiding something else from me. Many, including myself, have suggested that you get couciling from the Harley's. Do it now, today. Unless one of them has a cancelation, it might be several days before you can get in. Either Steve or Jenn will help you enormously. I wished I could have been spared some of the pain if that was actually possible...my W just came in the room, turned off the TV and said "I had an affair and I'm pregnant." How's that for tact? Lovingly suggest "Surviving an Affair"..go buy it and have it on hand so he can read it. If your H is like me, I wanted help immediately and waiting for the stupid book seemed like ages. I would also suggest that you make plans to have the kids stay with friends or relatives over the weekend or whenever you will be breaking the news to your H. You or your H won't be able to think or act rationally for a couple of days, so do it like on a Friday night. You are trying to prepare yourself for the worst, but I don't think you have a grasp of what is to come. Just telling you how to prepare for this day reminds me of how painful that day was. BUT, as others have said, it does get better and I am very thankful to be able to look back and see how much I have improved. Rely on God, you know that He will forgive you, you just might not be ready or able to ask him yet.<BR>Floored

Reality,<P>I know, I'm not one of the H's here, but being in your position, I felt compelled to respond to your latest question. I also agree with the last 4 posts here. You do owe it to your H to tell him whatever he wants to know. I would like to add that you should answer his questions, no matter how hard it may be to get those words out of your mouth! Don't add little details, unless he asks for them. That could only add to the pain, if he isn't ready for them, or doesn't want to know that particular detail. In our case, I was given no choice but to tell my H about the A. I could have let the OM, who was bitter and turned violent, tell him, or have him hear it from me. I felt it better for me to tell him. Regardless, there isn't a whole lot that you can do to keep your H from feeling the pain and anger. And, because of that, he may ask those questions that are going to hurt him the most. Over everything else, just be totally honest with those questions he does ask. Maybe like Floored said, if you feel the answer to a particular question may be too painful, ask if he really wants to hear the answer. There are still things that my H will occasionally ask me, I answer, and he then tells me, "I guess I didn't really want to know that". It will happen for a long time to come, but it is all in the recovery stage. I'm rambling again, so I will just end with this, remain honest and truthful with your H, and if you are meant to remain together, you will survive together.<P>Tigger

Okay, I had a little set back with the OM. We met again, but I did tell him I was going to fully focus on my family and my H. I wanted the best for him & His family. But, that it is totally over between us and that we couldn't even talk, not even as friends. I told him that if He cared about me as much as he says, He would honor my decision. I didn't tell him anything of the pregnancy.(That was hard)I will see my counselor tomorrow. But, I really feel that because of my grieving processes with the OM, I have to take some time and get away. I need some time of sepration to get the strength that I need to make it through this.<BR>Being niether of us can move tomorrow, I have to get my emotions under control, so I can prepare to move my family. We still have to sell our house, and find another. <BR>No, I haven't told my h yet, I will after I return from my trip. I just have to do it this way, I know so many of you said tell him now. But, emotionally I am not at a place to reassure my H yet, and I have to be through the withdrawls from the OM.I don't want to run to the OM if my H's reactions are really bad. I need to be at a place where I will wait for and persue my H. It is not fair for me to not give my H a 100% when I hit him with this. I am going to be recieving counseling while I am away. I will keep you all updated. And I will definetly tell you when DDay happens. And I will also send my H. to you. I trust you will take good care of him. Thanks for everything. I will check my replys as often as I can.

Dear Reality,<P>You are thinking hard about this. But I am going to respectfully suggest that you are in real danger.<P>Withdrawel is not something short that you can get through quickly on your own, without anyone noticing. Judging from the tone of your post, I would imagine that you face the most painful 6 months of your life now. That is withdrawel. Many posters described trying to end an affair, and they can't do it and go back and forth. All because of the pain of withdrawel.<P>My wife was, emotionally, pretty much incapacitated during the first ten months after discovery. She tried, occasionally, to help me, but was so lost and in so much pain she did almost nothing to get me through my own suffering. <P>Except that she was honest, and I finally knew what was going on. That was worth everything. I can't easily describe what it is like comforting your spouse as they grieve a lost relationship. Particularly when you sense that much of that relationship was built on lies and illusions, and that it was built, in part, to hurt you, the betrayed.<P>But I am very glad we did it then, rather than after the affair was over and her heart put in order. To give you my honest opinion, she would never have been able to do it any other way. I don't think that she had the strength. Together we could survive what neither of us could have done alone.<P>You still sound like you want to maintain control. I understand. In your situation it must feel that all around you is spinning out of control, and anything that gives you the illusion of stability, of being in control of your own life, is worth clinging to. I have wrestled with the same emotions. I still do, and it is terribly painful to know that I cannot really control the course of my own life. Though I can influence it.<P>I am only guessing. But I don't think that you will ever make it through withdrawel without first telling your husband. Nor do I think that waiting that many months could possibly help (given that a baby is on the way). He needs to know in the next week or two.<P>I felt very relieved to hear that you have found a counseller.<P>I am just guessing here. Do you hope that you will have a miscarriage, and that you might never have to tell about the pregnancy? My own wife hoped for that. She told me about it, a year later. Depressed, treating herself recklessly, hoping for a miscarriage. Yet unable to have an abortion, in part because she deeply and truly wanted his child. (He, the other man, pushed hard for an abortion, to the point that they secretly visited a clinic together to have one).<P>Whether you miscarry or bring this child to term, or choose an abortion (I don't know if that is something you are considering), it is best if your husband knows, and if you listen to him as you make your choices. Let him choose his own path.<P>I have a sense from your posts that you do not really trust your husband, that you do not respect him. (I might be way off base, but please consider the possibility carefully). If you do not drop control and tell him the truth and give him his freedom, he can never earn your trust nor your respect. He might, perhaps, fail you miserably. I have no way of knowing. But he might carry himself in such a way that you see him in a new light, and realize that he is far more than the person you decided to betray. And he might find a new respect for himself in his actions as well.<P>None of that will be possible if you do not tell the truth and give up your own ability to control and manipulate the situation. I know how hard that is, but you must.<P>I wish you well,<P>StillTrying

Reality,<P>I know this is late, about two weeks but I was on the road and then on vacation. I don't post here often, but do read most posts often and am in the "wings" you might say of all these great and supportive people. I'm sure you have made some changes in the past two weeks, hoping you opted to take all the good advise, especially K's, Just Learning's and Still Tryings. These are folks, among all the other who really helped me through all my "stuff". I had never shared this thread with Tigger, although it seems as if she is also in the same situation as you and I. You can find my story at my profile and I'd be happy to help in any way I can. <P>I'm now 33 week pregnant with OM C and my H has been through the ringer, although he continues to stay by me. We have healed a lot and been through so much. By way of: reading, Harley's info on this sight about making our marriage work again; The help and guidence of God; Counseling; honesty about our feelings and our future; a committment to our marriage and the help of people like this group, who share a lot of time and insight into repairing our lives, something that I appreciate so much, they have no idea.<P>All of it has helped me tremendously. My H still doesn't read these posts much and has yet to ever be involved much, however, I think it was good for him to learn that he wasn't the only one out there in this situation. We live in a very small town and he was raised here and has never really left, so he has, in some ways, been very sheltered. Even in Birthing class last week he said that he felt like the only man that wasn;t "the father". I again (as I have so many times in the past months) explained my feelings are that in my heart, soul and mind, he is the "father" of this child. And it takes SO much more to be a father than to biologically create one. <P>I have to say that things are certainly going to be tougher for you given the closeness of the OM.<P>I'd like to hear how things are going and that you come back for more great input from all the folks here. I'm not sure that I can offer any great insight, just wanted you to know that there are a few other women in your position here as well.<P>Good luck and God bless.<P>(formally Slothwoman)<BR>Now "positive attitude"

Alot has happend over the last several weeks. I went to the Dr.on Jan 23rd. And my fears came true, there was no heart beat. I have always had high risk pregnancies. I had a D&C a couple of days after that. And yes I went through it totally alone. I never had the strength to tell my H or the OM. I went into deep depression and major withdrawls. Somewhere in the darkness, guilt and grief, my God reached out to me. I really wanted this baby, and that is still hard for me. But, through it all I had my final talk with the OM and the closure is complete. Then I put everything on the table with my H. Just three days ago. After many tears he opened his arms with forgiveness,and love. See for the last 4 months he has been in counseling and theropy. To renew his mind to be a Man of God. I never had the faith that he could really do this. But, he did, and he didn't do it for me, He did it for himself. The wisdom and words of comfort that has come from his mouth and touched my heart in away that it has never felt. He has had to know every single detail and we have cried countless tears. For some unconcievable reason, my H takes full responsibility for me being in the place I was. Just for me to hear him say these things, brings me heart to a safe place with him. I know we have so much healing that has to take place, we are in counseling everyday. We are starting to see the work we have ahead of us. But through it all we continue to choose "US". My H went to talk to the OM and they both cried. My H said to him; The God in me doesn't want to hurt you or your family, but "You took something of mine that I can never get back" and the OM said: "You can have it back, go home and concentrate on winning your wives heart back, you can do it. I will never have any contact with her again. I am so SORRY". Then they actually hugged. My natural mind says I am sure the bad emotions will come between all of us involved. But, for right now to see my H handle this in a Godly manner. See the my old H, probably would have physically done major damage to the OM. No guestions asked.<BR>MY H and I have spent the last several days at eachothers side every second. The healing between us is just priceless. I know we still have so far to go. Thank you guys for all your support. Now, I guess I need to post in another spot, I don't know where.Being I am not Pregnant with a OM/child anymore. I would like for my H to start also. I also know that the void in my to want a little girl need to be delt with to. That is a whole other story.

Reality, I am just STUNNED. What sad, bittersweet news. I am so glad that through all this your H has shown you what a good man he can be. I don't know if the price you have paid for that is too high. But you are on the road to a new place. God bless you!<P>Take care. Post here if you want to. But there are lot's of good boards. I am sure there are lot's of good peolple there also.<P>Carolyn