Well, today is anniversary of discovery of all the material concerning affair. I recall being in something close to physical shock & uncontrollable shaking for three days. I called a friend & then called a lawyer (since some of material included a PO box being set up for my H and listing his "home" address as OW address). I could see abandonment written on the wall. Talked to lawyer on Wed. of that week & presented H with divorce papers that Friday. First confronted H with question of "are you having an affair?" in a last attempt for him to confess and was blatently lied to. Things have been all over the page since then, but always with a continued thread of me trying to protect my children and provide the best for them.<P>I am taking a trip today to my "real office" in another city, which involves a 3 hour car ride. Lot's of time to think. This past week or two I have opened up to the possibility that life with my H could be long term poision to me and my children. He seems to want to be here with us now, but with no sign of any real change in his behavior. So once again.... insanity is repeating the same behavior & expecting different results? I think that may be what I am looking at and I need to come out of my "fog" of hoping that life will be perfect for my children. Unfortunately it will somehow always be slightly damaged, due to OC. They have to live with that at some point in their lives & who that person will be to them. They are 8 & 7 at this point and know nothing about OC. <P>In the other thread about what our fears are, Catnip discussed her fear of her situation being discovered. In the converse, I fear that it will stay a dark shadow & secret that I will be expected to keep for my H. I am a big person on honesty (if possible) and doing things that do not lead to the necessity of dishonesty. So the possibilty of living my life under a false pretense eats at me. I do not want my children to look back at how I lived my life and use me as an example of hiding things we don't want to deal with and covering up the ugly part of our lives. Yes, I could say "I did this for your father and you", but that just still rings of living a life where morals & values are compromised to suit the mess you have on your hands. <P>So, I will be back later once my little business trip is over and post what thoughts crept into my mind after a long car ride with lot's of solitutde. <P>Take care... Carolyn

takincare,you be careful on your trip. I know when I am lost in gloom land I am not as careful driving as I should be. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

carolyn, i can't even remember the date d-day occured on. i was in complete denial and only know it was shortly after my 1st anniversary. i wish i had kept a journal then so i could see how far i have come. but it is gone now. i am not good with dates anyway, but i only know the 3rd one came in june 2000, when we were notified of impending court case for paternity/child support.<P>the honesty thing bothers me too. no one in our families will be told. except his mom, and brothers who know. but we don't plan on telling children until it has to be told. when and if the OC come looking for my H for an explanation. i have thought of maybe telling them when they are in their teens. but that is a long time away as they aren't even born yet.<P>driving always helps me think. i think i actually talk to myself, sort out my thoughts. must look strange, hopefully they think i am singing. ha ha.<P>take care and hope you did some soul searching on your trip.<P>happy_girl<P>