h's lawyer called today. wanted to make sure he had gone to get DNA test done. h is in las vegas working, so i talked to him. he was pretty talkative so i was asking him various questions (hope i don't get a bill!!) and he started in on how we can save money if we get visitation. it is only an innocent child, etc.<P>it infuriated me, but i kept calm. he is our lawyer, not our counselor. i explained to him that we had thought about this in great detail. that my h wants no relationship with OC. that in our situation, marriage, etc, our decision was not to have relationship with the child. that the money had nothing to do with saving and keeping our marriage. i told him we had worked very hard to get where we are in our marriage, and that bringing the child into it was not possible. our marriage is first. end of discussion.<P>then he said, well, i just wanted to give you all the options, especially when it can save up to 33%. blah, blah, blah. <P>like i haven't thought about all this a million times... <B>a day</B>. like i didn't try to push him to see her when we first were told there was a possibility. thinking it was the best thing. like i have just discarded the thought of this poor child. <P>i do feel sorry for her. sad that her mother has chose a life for her daughter without a father. but that was not my choice. i have struggled with this ever since i first was aware there might be a chance it is his child. although in denial for a long time, it still was there, in the back of my mind.<P>i have worried more about this decision, the child, than her mother ever worried, or ever will about us, about my feelings, about whether she ruined our marriage or not. but we are the bad guys. it is always the poor other woman who gets sympathy. never the poor wife who had no choice in the matter. it makes me sick. <P>talked to hubby. told him what i talked to lawyer about. he said that was fine. he doesn't want visitation, and he is not as likely as me to speak up about his opinion. he said, i told him that. he wouldn't listen. i said, i know, i got the feeling he was going to not drop it, and if he didn't we would need another lawyer. he is the lawyer, not supposed to tell us what to do. just keep us from getting screwed from the state.<P>sorry this was so long. i am stressed, and especially since hubby is out of town, and i've no one to talk to. except you guys of course. but it takes a long time to type all these feelings i feel like screaming them. it is like i should be the one to leave him, and make him go be with this child. well, it is my marriage. we promised we would be together till death do us part, and i plan on keeping that promise. so the OW can just live with her decisions to sleep with a married man and then get pregnant, and she can someday explain all this to her daughter. if she doesn't, i will. i pray this little girl can have a good life, and i hope i mean it when i do. but it can't involve her "biological" father. our marriage just wouldn't survive that. not counting the fact that hubby has no interest in seeing the child. <P>i am rambling. i am just so depressed. i am going to have a glass of wine and go to sleep, i am miserable. and i know i won't sleep with all these thoughts...<P>happy_girl<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited January 17, 2001).]

HG:<P>It sounds like you're kind of having a bad night, Dear One.<P>Sometimes we just don't want to hear 'alternatives' to our plans...the ones we have already made.<P>While your attorney is obligated to give you all the possible scenarios, you weren't in the mood to listen. Besides, this is stuff you already knew. But you asked him the questions, HG. Isn't it funny how we are compelled to ask questions we don't want to hear answers to? It's a little like trying not to look at the accident on the roadside as you drive by. Sometimes ya just gotta do it.<P>Maybe you were just lonesome with your husband out of town and just wanted to talk to someone. I once spent 20 minutes on the phone with an information operator.<P>The depression is situational and I don't think it is part of your makeup, so it probably won't last and might be gone tomorrow with the dawn of a new day. And when your husband gets home.<P>Get a good night's sleep, HG. Prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=

Happy, I remember feeling the same way. We didnt have a lawyer he just went in and signed the papers and it had something wrote up to do with if oc spent over 6 days with him the support would get reduced. It bothered me to. He also had to send in money to have his name added to birth cert at the time that really got to me to. I didnt want his name on it but I guess it has to be. I think being in limbo right now your going to have some rough days until you get the final answer. Hang in there. Iam still praying this isnt his and you can put an end to all of this. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

catnip, you are right. and i do feel a little better this morning. plus i am off to work and i have to put on my happy face whether i want to or not. <P>flowerseed, thanks for sharing with me your experience.<P>off to work!<P>happy_girl

hey catnip. you know, i think the thing that bothered me the most was the fact that he acted like i hadn't given it any thought. like it was the first time the welfare of the child had EVER crossed my mind. that is why i went into great detail with him about everything i have done, all the things i have considered.<P>heavenly's thread about relationship with OC was actually very helpful. it reminded me of all the reasons we have decided not to be involved in the OC's life. i just get angered by people who aren't in the situation, thinking they can give advice about what is wrong or right for us to do. <P>i am not so bummed now, though i haven't had a minute of rest with out the whole situation crossing my mind. if they only knew how much thought i have actually put into this, how much soul searching i have done. last night i cried myself to sleep, wondering if i should leave him. knowing that even if i did, he says he wouldn't be in the childs life. it was not a good nights rest, but i don't remember falling asleep which is good.<P>thanks for the pep talk. <P>you too flowerseed.<P>happy_girl

Happy girl,<P>I just wanted to send you some positive energy. I know how hard it is. I also understand the frustration of the lawyer. We spoke to an attorney who only tried to convince us to get visitation. Once I had to leave the room, and he spoke to my H like it was MY fault that we were not getting visitation. He sat for over 10 minutes telling my husband how it was his right to get visitation, and it would lower the payments. My H was not pleased, he informed the lawyer that he was there for legal advice, not moral advice. I called various lawyers, and I still have never found anyone who supports our side of the situation. <P>Make sure this is someone who will work hard, and support your views, not only your husband's. <P>I hope you are feeling better today, and this evening. Your hubby will be home soon. Try to be positive. We are all here for you.<P>babstr.

babstr, thanks so much for your post. that is exactly how i felt. like he was insinuating that if i could only open up my heart to the child, we could have visitation and pay less money. or even go for partial custody. i felt sick. i would look for another lawyer but i am sure it would be the same over and over. so we will just be firm with him that it is not our intention to have any visitation at all. our marriage and stability does not have a price. <P>again thanks for the positive vibes. i really appreciate it. i just got off phone with hubby, i miss him so much and i think it makes me even more emotional.<P>love, happy_girl

I think my H and I win the prize for worst lawyer.<BR>After OW sued for CS we contacted an attorney. We met with her several times and I was not comfortable with her advice. Her advice was just give OW anything and everything she wants. No fight at all. I tried to talk H into changing attorneys but he just wanted it over.<BR>A couple of months after CS was settled we recieved a letter from the child support agency. Guess who was the new child support attorney. YOU GUESSED IT, our attorney.<BR>She had agreed to take the job with the child support agency BEFORE she took our case.<BR>I tried to hire an attorney to file a complaint but that is impossible. They don't fight each other.<BR>So we are just screwed !!!!<P>Jtigger

jtigger, that is terrible. she should have to give you your money back. i don't see why she took c.s. cases if she knew she was going for child support attorney. that is sick. can't you at least file a complaint to the law board people? i would try to.<P>happy_girl

Hey Happy-girl,<P><BR> I know what you mean about not being able to type fast enough. My mind goes a lot faster than my typing-challenged hands (not that my mind goes all that fast!)<P><BR> Lawyers can sometimes sound callous and insensitive, because they are objective, direct, and are obligated to present all options ( at least the good ones do!) You are right, he is your legal counsel, not your counselor! Trust him about legal matters. You obviously feel that money saved is not worth the risk to your marriage, (rightly so ). I don't think he was trying to upset you, or imply that you hadn't considered every option, he was just doing his job.<P><BR> Hang in there, God bless you,<BR> <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

I just wanted to tell you that I am going back through OLD posts and saw this one and it was EXACTLY what H and I are dealing with pertaining to OUR atty and H not wanting contact with OC!!! I was so relieved to hear that someone else can identify with this frustration!

Our atty on the other hand tells my H just to pay, realize it was a mistake, and just pay as required. He alos said "dont mess up what you got at home" which i did like but now he says were pushing it if we ask for every other year on taxes i odnt think so everyone gets that!!I just hope when she finds out "reasonable Visitation" means ecvery other w/e one day a week and every other holiday she will drop it all <BR>BUT IT IS SO MUCH MONEY EHTY WANT!!!!!<BR>I feel like she wins she gets exactly what she wants if she just gets the money!!!<BR>She doesn't want him and esp ME to be involved <BR>she had told him he wouldnt have to pay and he could sign over all parental rights, boy has that changed<BR>I dont know that i coud handle oc being around but why should i give the b***h what she wants???<BR>She told him "I want your money"

happy girl, I am with you. I feel the sanity of me, my family, and the integrity of our life has no price, Now that time from OW and discovery has gone by, he realizes the money price is nowhere near the psychological/emotional price we are all paying, me most of all, but I know him too.I remain worried about the monetary price, and hate it, Screw the lawyer's advice!<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

fightingirish~ so glad you are reading through old posts. i did that when i first came here. but of course, there were a lot less posts to read. i suggest to all the newbies to read the old posts when you have a chance. we have had some pretty heated discussions, which help to see all sides, as hard as that can be. you will be a great asset to the forum, i can already tell. everyone here though is an asset to our forum, we learn from eachother.<P>never-be-same~ you are lucky to have an attorney that is on the same page as you. ours has realized that we have made our decision, and he has left it at that. the nerve of those women who think that they are calling all the shots. you could use that cool letter that CD wrote to the OW. i loved that.<P>lsb~ my marriage is first on my list of priorities. we don't have children, which makes it a little different. OW had my husbands first child. but he is the one who chose no contact. i actually tried to talk to him about seeing the OC, not that i could have handled that, but i wanted him to make the decision. he chose no. i used to worry about that, like what if we never have kids, etc, but he said that he feels nothing for OC. i agree that i would not go for visitation solely for monetary reasons, or to get back at OW. but what an added benefit for those who are able to open their hearts to OC. they can sit and watch OW stew in her own juices.<P>happy_girl