H and I are playing the "waiting game." OW is not due until March 20th. Although that is only a little more than 2 months away, I feel as if I am going to go crazy. This whole situation consumes me. Although I still work, much of my day is spent obsessing over this whole mess. I keep praying that the baby isn't H's. I try to calculate the possibility and on and on.<P>Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the waiting? I feel like I am in limbo. I really need to know for whether the baby is H's or not. I haven't even made up my mind to stay with H. It isn't a question of whether I love him. Instead, sometimes I just want to be free of all this. I want my life back. I don't want to spend 90% of my day thinking about this.<P>I feel like I can't even begin to heal and move on until I know if the baby is H's. I am not saying that if baby is H's that I will leave H, although obviously there will be more issues to deal with.<P>H keeps telling me that he knows this situation is hard and that it is a very difficult decision to make. At the same time, he tells me he will never believe that our marriage is over. He thinks that even if right now the pain is too great for me that time will ease the pain and then we will be able to be together.<P>I apologize for rambling on about several different issues, but any advice on what to do while we're waiting would be greatly appreciated.<BR>

Dolphin, I have sat and tried to remember what I did for the 4 months that I knew about pending birth of OC. For the most part, I was very busy at that time working on Plan A. I was dedicated to the fact that birth of OC would not make a difference in our lives and that recovery was what we needed to focus on. I have always maintained the opinion that OW and all that surrounded the affair (including pregnancy) was not something that I would allow to steal my peace of mind. She had taken too much from me and I would not allow her to take that also. <P>I would recommend spending as much time as possible working on recovery with your H. That will strengthen you, regardless of what happens at birth. Make sure you have joint agreement on how he will handle things (if he wants to be with OW at time of birth, etc.). Believe it or not, OW had asked my H to be there at birth and that was NOT ok with me. Ended up, he went anyway. <P>Spend time on you.. exercise, take a class, do whatever YOU like to do. Plan a vacation for the time of birth. Just put this out of your head as best as possible. Everytime a thought about OC creeps in... just remind yourself that OW will NOT get this moment from YOU. Unless you are discussing situation with your H, don't think about it. <P>I know all that is easier said than done. Just like stopping somking or doing a diet, it takes a little will power. Seems like we just keep getting asked to do more and more doesn't it? It gets easier.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Dolphin,<P>I totally now how you feel, in my case I am so much in limbo and fear so much unkown I think I am going to go nuts. We could very well never know anything for sure. The OW in our case is due sometime in February, but we have not heard from her since the end of July when all of this mess came to my attention. It is the result of a drunken one night stand, my H is totally remorseful and has done everything possible to repair us. In many ways we are so much better than we ever were, our family is solid, our relationship so loving. But I am still so crushed at times, the pain creeps up and just grabs and squeezes me until I can't breathe. I feel like you that I can't move on until I know what is going on with her. We have been advised to not contact her, we don't even know if for sure she was pregnant or if she went through with the pregnancy if she was. Her story is rather complex with many past abortions with her BF and then trying to get pregnant with him and failing, so we believe she set out to get pregnant but what ever foolish donor she could find. Yet, other things she did, makes it look like she was trying to get my H to continue a relationship after their fling but he refused and said it was a mistake.<P>Well, I am rambling about my problem, but I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. I too, love my husband and woudl love to make it work and be solid as we seem but I am just not sure I can endure the consequences of his actions if they prove to be the worse case scenario. I fear that I would either have to leave or he would be visiting me at the funny farm.<P>My best wishes to you Dolphin, I am right there with you feeling all of the same things and then some.<P>Carrie

Taking Care,<P>Thank you so much for your advice on how to keep busy during the waiting game. I like your idea about exercising. I joined a gym several months ago and was going 4-5 times a week until I found out that the OW was pregnant. Then, I was so upset and didn't really want to do anything but cry. I was afraid I would go to the gym and just break down. Anyway, I don't cry as much now so I guess you are right that it does get easier. I still am hoping that the baby isn't H's. H still insists that he only slept with OW one time and that he used a condom--so, just maybe it isn't his. H says he doesn't want to be there for the birth of the baby. He can't stand OW and thinks she only ever saw him as a nice child support payment.<P>Also, if she is actually due in March, H says they slept together last June. But, he was in Chicago for a trade show 2 days in June and he and I went away for a weekend in June, too. So, it wouldn't surprise me if she was with someone else based on her track record. I think I told you before that she has 4 kids to 3 different men, but was only ever married to her current husband who she has one child with. Interestingly enough, her current husband insisted on a paternity test because he didn't think the child was his. She refused to have the test before the birth just like she is refusing now. My H thinks that it is because she didn't know then who the father was just like she doesn't know now. All I know is that she is something else. The biggest joke of all is that she believes that she is such a great Christian. Well, I am beginning to ramble on again. Thank you again for all your advice.<P>

Carriemom,<P>Sorry to hear that you are in limbo, too. I can't imagine what it would be like to have not heard from the OW in 6 months! I know that many of the other people that post here do not want to know if the OC is their spouse's child or not. I just couldn't live like that--I would always be wondering. If OW doesn't initiate paternity action, as soon as OC is born, H and I are going to initiate paternity suit.<P>H is so upset over situation himself. I know that he got himself into this mess, but I still don't feel that he deserves what OW is putting him/us through. If it turns out OC is H's, he wants to try to get custody. I know that seeing OC would be very difficult for me, but H does not want to pay alot of CS to OW who has a very poor track record as a mother--her kids were taken away before for neglect. Anyway, so if it turns out that OC is H's, the birth won't get me out of limbo because it will probably be just the beginning of a long court battle.<P>Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you and your family and that you find out next month that the OC isn't your H's or that OW did not have baby at all. Take care.