I was thinking about the fact that my W and OM will probably/most likely/for sure be together during the birth of OC. I have read other threads in the past that said if a WS and OP were both present during the birth of OC, they form an emotional bond that is hard to break. I'm not sure I buy that, but I wanted some other opinions. I know that I vividly remember the birth of both our children, but if there was a bond between my W and I, it must not have been that strong..she broke that. I am not a woman though..I promise..so I wanted to see if this emotion is a threat to my marriage. I feel very blah about this topic, but I feel I should prepare myself for this next hurdle. <BR>Floored

Dear floored,<P>That really hurts. But my own guesses are that the whole process of carrying the other man's child creates an intense bond, but that labor is only a small part of it. I want to tell you — focus on you, do what is right, and don't worry about what she is feeling. But those are only words, and I can sense the much deeper pain you are in, and know that they are only inadequate.<P>I had one idea. If it doesn't sound too stupid, maybe you could write to K or someone who has actually done this and see what they think.<P>At any rate, now that the baby is here, might you not write a second Plan B letter (I know that isn't quite how this is supposed to work).<P>Something along these lines: "I know what you are going through now, and what your child needs. And I am worried that you are alone, and feel that there is no going back after what has happened. But I am still ready to come, and work with you to rebuild our marriage, and to raise and love this little boy. But I can't do that while other man remains a part of your life, or of his. I love you too much and respect you to much to be part of such a painful arrangement. But if we are to rebuild our marriage, I will need time to get to know my son. Please contact me if you would like to begin."<P>Maybe this is a bad idea, but she might fell really lost now.<P>StillTrying

floored:<P>Of course there is an emotional bond when you're present at the birth of a child. But it's not so strong that it can't be overcome. It's just an additional thing that you're wife is going to have to deal with.<P>In the big scheme of things, I don't think it's of particular importance.<P>A second "Plan B" letter isn't necessarily a bad idea (I did one... ), but you'd want to address specific problems that you think your wife is having, without pressure. I like StillTrying's approach, perhaps with a rewording of "I will need time to get to know my son...", which hints at a combo disrespectful judgement/selfish demand. It's really tough to know this without some "inside" information, perhaps from your MIL.

ST and K,<BR>I appreciate what you both said. I know that my situation has a twist to it, so do you think I should give Plan B a rest and revert back to Plan A, or do you think I am setting myself up for more pain. I feel sure she is still talking and seeing OM, but I haven't asked. I don't have a problem with continuing Plan B, but I don't have a problem being there for W either. Do you think it will be better to let my W weather this storm on her own..that's fine with me, just want some advice. I may give Jenn a call later to get her input.<BR>Floored

Based on your situation, floored, I would probably continue in Plan B. You were getting close to the end of your rope in Plan A, and nothing has fundamentally changed for your wife. When you left, she was pregnant and in risk of delivering prematurely. Everything that has happened was completely forseeable, and I'm assuming that you considered it when deciding to move to Plan B.<P>You certainly want to make sure that your wife has a way to let you know that she wants to try a reconciliation. But I wouldn't recommend that you go back to Plan A, unless you're planning on toughing it out for another 6 months or so. Now imagine trying to get close to this child while the OM is still in the picture. That's going to be extremely hard on you, and I'm guessing that it would be very difficult for you to pull off without trying to force some resolution from your wife (which is a lovebuster). <P>But enough said from the amateur psychologist. Call Jenn and get her advice, if you're unsure.