I have this awful need to always talk to H about the pregnancy, etc. It's like I am the Energizer Bunny- I just keep going on and on and on. I thought that if we talked about it enough, I would eventually feel better. The problem is, I don't feel better (in fact, I often feel worse) and I make H feel bad, too. Needless to say, our time spent together is not helping to rebuild our marriage. How do I stop talking about this whole mess and instead focus on meeting H's needs, having fun together, etc.?

dolphin, i too often obsess about it and want to talk and talk to someone about it. we are years in to recovery and i still have days when i can't get it out of my mind. it is important that you 2 can talk about things, but i also think you need to give him a break sometimes. that is why i come here, and read and post to my hearts desire. so i don't drive my hubby crazy. it helps to just read everyones posts and know i am not alone. <P>i also just think a lot to myself. when i am home alone, i write my feelings down, and then just throw them away usually. or i just say them out loud. a little crazy maybe, but it helps me.<P>good luck in finding ways to not let this situation run your life. it is hard, but can be done. and i think it is normal to regress sometimes and have bad days. at least i hope it is.<P>happy_girl

I am kind of doing the opposite, I am obsessing a lot, especially at work when I am away from my kids and H. I keep it all inside and go over and over things til I am just a wreck at times. This is wrong too, but I don't want to talk to H about and go over it and over it because I will get the same answers and statements from him that may mean well but, I just want to strangle him and scream when I hear it. The not knowing anything is what is driving me insane as I told you before. My H seems to just be able to let it go, but when I finally bring it up he says there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about it.<P>There was a time right before and after the holidays that I thought our time together was just stupid and we were not getting anywhere, we watched TV, I was getting pretty down. But now we have found something we really enjoy doing together without the TV ! We have been doing a puzzle, a huge and difficult one, we sit close and look for certain pieces together. It is so relaxing and therapeutic and sometimes we get tangled arms or are heads bump when looking for a certain piece which is a good excuse to hug or kiss. It may sound dumb but it has really helped with the rebuilding and getting/staying close. The darn TV can be so draining of everything. <P>I think I went on too long here, so I will stop. I hope my rambling helped a little, to know you are not alone we all have gone through much of the same thing. You just need to find what can you get out of certain things that keep happening and are damaging to the healing.<P>Take care,<P>Carrie<BR>

Even now I feel like asking daily what contact OW has had and did my H talk to her. When did he last see OC? What are his thoughts about OC?<P>I don't know that it ever goes away. It is just important to not talk non-stop about it. If you do, there is no room for recovery. I have always tried to preface most of my questions from the stand point of how did he feel or how does he think she feels. I don't know if that made it less threatening or not. But it is only natural to wonder about something that has taken so much control over your life. <P>Take care.. Carolyn

Dolphin and the rest.....<BR>At my last counsel session I was told to do a 12 step program.<P>I start each 24 hrs. telling myself NOT to talk about it. After I do that, I take the next 24 hrs., and do the same. It only drives my H crazy to constantly bring it up.<P>He wants us to move ahead. He's answered my questions to everything I wanted to know.<P>He's cried with me. He's allowed me to BLOW UP FULL TIME and not say a word.<P>I think it's time I give it a break with him. I long for what we used to have. He does too and has shown it in so many ways.<P>When I'm not "hormonal" I understand what I must do however......<P>I still can be driving somewhere, and "see" him naked w/her. I "see" them kissing deeply. I "see" him enter her and hear them moan together at climax. It makes me crazy....<P><BR>I try to change the thought to this....<P>She never had more than an hour or two.<P>She never slept all night with him on a snowy or rainy night. Or ANY night and never will.<P>She never got to continue "together" in the morning what you didn't finish the night before.<P>She never went to dinner.<P>She never got a gift.(except his penis)<P>He kept her a secret from everyone.<P>He shows me off to everyone.<P>He is not proud of her.<BR>He's so proud of me.<P>She will never have him.<BR>I can if I choose.<P>He's in a tailspin over what he's done and to re-hash it over and over can only MAKE him think of her!! Negative or not.<P>I want to be the one he thinks of and loves.<P>After almost 27 years the way I look at it is this: Me-27 yrs.<BR> She-about 30 some hours.<P> I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Heh...heh...heh.....<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gemini1 described my feelings so well!<P>Out of the blue I will think about the OW and OC. I will wonder if he misses the OW or if he feels that he made the wrong choice by staying with me.<P>When we make love I think of him touching her the same way he touches me. And, yes, I have even destroyed some of these wonderful moments by crying and telling him what I was imagining. (Talk about a LB!)<P>I have (sort of) conquered that problem by thinking the same types of thoughts that Gemini stated. My H always says he cannot be put on trial every day for the rest of his life. He is tired of being cross-examined and he is tired of being made to feel like a criminal when he is trying his best to repent.<P>And you really cannot move forward without letting the whole thing rest. I found writing my feelings was a great outlet. I would keep a journal, lay in bed, write my heart out and cry. Crying cleanses the sadness away and makes you feel better. <P>Now, I read some of the stories that followed my 2nd D-Day last year and it is like another person wrote them. I can see how far I have come from that day and that gives me hope to keep improving.<P>- Heavenly