I have been thinking, or trying to figure out what is the real truth in my head. Do I stay because I truly love my husband and want it to work out? Or am I here for my daughter? I can't even imagine tearing my daughter's family apart, and trying to explain to her why she can't see her daddy. I wonder if I am in the typical position of a parent who sacrifices herself for her child. To tell you the truth, I really don't know. I wonder if I had known about this in the beginning, I would have never gotten pregnant. I wonder if I would have even considered staying with my H. It happened only 10 months after our wedding, and I was only 25. Would I have just scrapped the relationship since he messed it up, like he canceled the contract? <P>I have said I don't want to just be here for the fact of my daughter, but I really don't know if I am. Mind you, my H is doing everything that he can to try and make things better. But there is a large part of me that won't trust him. I just keep thinking how easily he gave into temptation. There are times he wants to be intimate, and I don't want to. Am I setting up those situations for someone to swoop in again? Because we have a argument will someone take adavantage, and will he let them? he of course tells me that it will never happen again. But before it happened he swore he would cut off his lower region before he would cheat once he was married. Well I guess I should be living with a unich? <P>I guess I am worried that I am almost 29, I have a long life in front of me, I hope. That is a long time to count on him not cheating again. Especially when he did it so early in life. Should I think, oh well at least it is over for our marriage. Or do we all still secretly believe, once a cheater always a cheater??? I do love my H, there is no doubt, but I also love my friends, and family. Has this situation, made so I can never truly love him whole heart and soul, because I feel he has messed up his chance with my true heart? <P>I also know that this is really affecting my thoughts of having another child. Have any of you been there yet? Like I have my daughter now, but do I want to risk bringing another child into this world, if there is a chance they would have to face this. I feel bad that my daughter will have to listen to this cruel reality about her father, why should any other child have too?! <P>I would love to hear your input. Thanks for once again letting me rant. <P>babstr. <P>

Babstr,<BR>That is why I love this site so much because you always find someone mirroring your exact same thoughts! <BR>On my way to work this morning I thought about this whole mess and how I feel that there is a piece of me that will be closed off to him forever. I am not the same person and to say I trust him the way I used to would be a lie. I do not trust him half as much as I did before. He tries, he really does but somehow it never seems to be enough. Will you cheat on me again? Can you be faithful to me? Are the things you've done to hurt me mistakes or character traits? <P>Another child is a real issue for me. My heart wants another baby and I want a sibling for my son. But I fear that he will no longer find any joy in having a baby. I fear that it will just be "another kid" to him. I am also afraid that he will feel bad that he is actively raising my children and not the OC (which he does see) and that will negatively effect my family. <P>Do I love him? A great deal but I do hold back for fear of losing my heart. As if by holding onto a piece of my heart I am protecting myself from feeling that pain again should he ever be unfaithful. I think babstr that we are still uncertain if they will take care of our hearts and I know that is why I can't love him the way I used to. I too wonder will it always be this "guarded" love. And how can I expect a recovery when in essence I am waiting for the next downfall?<BR>Thanks babstr for posting my thoughts, its good to know I am not alone with all this.<P>God bless you

babstr, I find myself asking the same questions. I feel one way one day then diffrent another. I know a big part of me staying is because of our dauther if he was not such a good father I would have been gone. I often ask I am I ever really going to be a right. This took a part of me that I will never have again . That is a very tough question about having more children I never thought of that side of it that is really sad when you think about it. I dont know what to say. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

Ditto on the wondering why I am staying. I know that if it were not fr my boys I would be gone. I have told my H from the begining that teh only way we should stay together is if it can be "better" than before. That I want a good relationship for ME also. I just don't know if he is capable. I hate putting all this energy into a relationship that he really will never be able to live up to. <P>But I have always said I would give my life for my children, so why would I not try to stay in this marriage, even if it isn't the best relationship for me? That is the question I ask myself EVERY day. I do appreciate everyone elses thoughts on this. <P>Carolyn

babstr, i am in that situation you are pondering. we have no kids and my h's affair (though it was more like a couple of meaningless, yet very expensive screws) happened before our 1st anniversary. and we have no kids yet. so i know i am here for love and not for my kids. i also sometimes think that adultery seems to happen to almost all marriages. and definitely would was it not for our high divorce rate. but maybe, just maybe, we got it over early in our marriage. i remember a thread once on midlife affairs and thought, he better not. he had one early, he can't have a midlife crisis affair. <P>when he told me about the affair, we had just recently started to better communicate and agreed to work hard on our marriage. we had a really bad first year. so with that behind us, he was struggling with what he had done and couldn't not tell me. it was about 1 month after our first anniversary when he told me. granted, there was no knowledge of pregnancy yet, so who knows what i might have decided. but since we had been working so hard, i decided to try and stay. he said he didn't want me to not have the choice of whether i wanted to stay with him after he had cheated on me.<P>i was devastated of course. i begged him to tell me it wasn't true. actually was in a bit of denial at first. but he promised me it would never happen again, that he couldn't ask me to stay, but he wanted to work on our marriage because he didn't want to lose me. made him take me to the library and got that book, adultery, the forgivable sin. it was very helpful. he was the only person i had to talk to and boy did he get an earful. <P>i think what if's are so hard. just today a friend of mine was saying she would leave her husband in an instant if he ever cheated. i told her i once thought so too, but they have 15 years and 3 kids together and you just don't know exactly how you will react until you are in that situation. so even changing the details a little make it hard to know what you would have decided.<P>it is hard to trust, and once in a blue moon, if h is home a little late or something, the thought crosses my mind. but i believe him when he said he learned his lesson. that he never wants to hurt me like he did again. because part of the book was a promise that if he ever did it again, i would have no choice BUT to leave him. and i pray he fully understands that.<P>take care babstr. keep working on your marriage girlfriend. i am really glad you are back here posting. it wasn't the same without you.<P>happy_girl<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited January 19, 2001).]

Babstr,<P>I used to believe "once a cheater, always a cheater". But like happy_girl said, you don't know how you will react until it happens to you. I always had a strong character and believed that I could kick my H out without a glance back. Well, I was wrong.<P>First of all, my marriage vows meant something to me. And, for me, this is the "for worse" that the priest was talking about. <P>But like your H, mine is also trying to show me a lot more of the "for better" side of the marriage. I think that if the cheater does not show remorse or the desire to make things better then perhaps he or she is a cheater for life. <P>In your case, and mine, and many on this board, the cheater has gone out of his way to make you feel secure, make you feel loved, and to open up a new level of communication. Hopefully, we are correcting the behaviours that led to the affair. And, that is the difference between a career cheater and a sincere spouse who made a mistake.<P>Oh, there are days when I look at him and I think about the affair and a coldness comes over me that it takes me a little time to shake. But, we have been betrayed by people who are closer to us than anyone, who are actually part of us, and who we thought we knew on a level that no one else knew. <P>The affair not only made us question our loved ones, but it made us question ourselves and whether we have been blind or just plain stupid. Add to that all the hype in the world about women being independent and not having to be subservient to a man. All this outside stimuli make us think that we should make a stand and leave when we are wronged.<P>I still believe that a good man is hard to find and once you have one that is satisfying in many ways, you don't throw him away because of a mistake, even a big one.<P>Hope my two cents was helpful.<BR>- Heavenly

Heavenly, thanks I really needed to hear that sometimes we need to be reminded of the things you just said god bless you . with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

babstr<P>My heart goes out to you! I dont have the option to stay or go...The choice was made for me..H walked out on us and moved in with OW. He has been "playing house" with her and OC for 7 months now. I am struggling to bring him back...I have a rare opportunity..I can move forward with no regrets without him; or I can bring him home and question my motives as well...Am I doing it just because I dont want OW to have him? Am I doing it because I am insecure about being alone and what the future holds for me? Am I doing it for my children...All of these questions weigh heavy on my mind and while my H and I are talking; He still goes home to her each night...So I ponder these questions every chance I get alone and start thinking...If he came home; could I be happy? If he came home; could I trust him? I still have time to work these issues out...I am not lucky (or unlucky-whichever way you want to look at it) enough to have my family back together...OW is still calling all of the shots in my life and H life...I refuse to allow that to happen anymore; regardless of what H ultimately chooses to do...for now; he has chosen her; but he has told me that is all he feels he deserves...he has told me he feels he doesnt deserve my forgiveness and he sure doesnt deserve me...He's right...but I'm here for him and willing to make a go of it...(with reservations though-and I think he senses that)<P>My only advice to you babstr and to all of the others out there who are feeling what you are feeling about trusting your H and having another child...Go with wht your"gut" is telling you. We all had that "gut" feeling when we suspected our H of cheating...it was there..It was God telling us something wasnt right..If it doesnt feel right to have another child..dont...If you feel that you still cannot trust H; dont have another child...I used to believe in the theory "once a cheater, always a cheater"; in some senses I still do; but I believe that there are some recovering cheaters and reformed cheaters...They can all be reprogrammed; almost like some criminals can be reformed...I'm rambling; it's late...I will pray for us all...We all struggle with these challenging issues daily trying to make some sort of a life for ourselves after this horrible devistation...Some of us do better than others...All I can say is trust your heart and trust in God; He will tell you what to do!<P>God bless all of you!<BR>Aloneandsad (Missy)

First of all thank you so much for the responses.<P>Leelee: I too am glad that I wasn't the only one feeling this. It is really good to hear from someone who is right where I am with a small child. I hope and pray that I can have the second child with no regrets, and that when I do I will be comfortable in my life. How long that will take, I am not sure. But thank you so much for responding so quickly.<P>Flowerseed: I feel robbed everyday. Like here I am this different person, second guessing myself, I hate that. Your right that part is gone, I am just trying to figure out how big of part it was. I hope that I didn't start another roller coaster in your mind about another child. <P>takingcare: I have always said that about replacing my life for my child's. I just want to make sure that my daughter doesn't grow up thinking her mother is not truly happy. Children can sense everything. My best friend's parents did this, the minute her brother graduated from highschool they got a divorce. It was sad. I know that my daughter's happiness is also affected by mine.<P>happy girl: What can I say, I love you to death. I know that you are in the same boat age wise, and the anniversary. I have a daughter which makes these decisions hazy. But I have a lot of respect for you, because I know you stayed when you could have easily walked. No kids, new marriage, and you are young. You could have easily started over, nothing was permanent. So that fact that you stayed under those circumstances, speaks volumes for you. I am glad that I came back, it really does help me. I just got down for a couple of months. Is your hubby home yet?<P>Heavenly: You are right a good man is hard to find. And no one can replace my daughter's father. It isn't that I need to stand on my own two feet, it is that need to feel like I could walk and be fine. or I can stay and be fine. And I just don't know if I can do either. I truly hope that once a cheater always a cheater doesn't hold true for all of us. <P>Aloneandsad: I am so sorry. Sometimes I get wallowing in my mind, and I forget that it can always be worse. You are right I need to concentrate on the good that I have. I know you are struggling so much, and you have even more questions that I do. I am praying that you will be able to listen to your true heart. You have a longer road than a lot of us here. You are in my prayers.<P>I pray for us that our "gut" feeling starts talking. Because my brain is turning into mush with all these questions. Thank you everyone. I needed the words of encouragement, and to know I wasn't alone. This place is a lifesaver. God bless all of you.<P>babstr.

hey babstr, no my hubby isn't home yet. he will probably be there till we move to our new apartment in early february. i miss him tons. but we talk everyday on the phone and it makes us appreciate eachother more. he was just too cute the other day, told me how when he is away from home he realizes just how much he loves me. for me never to forget that he loves me and that no matter what, it is us against the world baby. i loved him so much in that moment. he says he loves me more everyday, that i have no idea how much he loves me. and i told him i missed him too, and he said "i know". and i said, how do you know? he said "well, i love you and miss you, and you love me so you must miss me like i miss you". absence makes the heart grow fonder... that is so true.<P>i hate being home alone. no offense to my cat, but she doesn't talk back. and as you guys can tell by now, i am a TALKER. being home in silence just kills me. plus my heater in the apt we live in was broke and it was cold at night without my warm hubby.<P>babstr, your husband is home with you. he loves you. let yourself believe it. say it outloud, tell yourself over and over he loves me, he is showing me he is sorry for all the pain he caused. sometimes, when you tell yourself something over and over, it becomes true. like you said, it could be worse. my husband is a good man, a wonderful husband. he made a very big mistake, but our love is worth more than that. like heavenly said, this was the worse in our marriage. otherwise, things have been great. people still think we are newly weds and in february we celebrate our 5th anniversary.<P>just remember, when things seem too hard to bear, when all those what if's and other thoughts cross your mind, push them out with positive things. think of all the good things about your husband, your life. it is like me when i get stressed about c.s. etc, and i am so worked up i can't go to sleep. i repeat over and over, god grant me peace. or i say the our father or a hail mary, or just jesus loves me, over and over, pushing out those bad thoughts that are racing thru my brain. i usually fall asleep peacefully, my mind calmed by the good thoughts, and some help from god too.<P>can anyone say run on sentences?? sorry i went on and on. i told you i am a talker, and more when i am home alone. i did go to the movies today with a girlfriend. we saw save the last dance, it was a nice movie.<P>take care and remember, HE LOVES YOU.<P>happy_girl

Hi babstr and others,<P>I have often had those feelings too, but from a different perspective.<P>When I learned of H's affair, I was 51 yrs old, we had been married 23 years and had one grown child and another nearly grown-in college. H's affair had lasted several years and produced a child. Our son had idolized his father, and this news nearly killed him. I, and anyone who knew us, considered our marriage to be ideal and "storybook" (which goes to show you how complete the deception can be if skillfully carried out by a WS.)<P>To cut to the chase and address your question: we are two and a half years into rebuilding. Son and H have re-estbalished a good relationship and, except for my personal issues in dealing w/the A and child, all would seem to be going well. But after all this time and all the conscious work I have done, there is not a day-an hour- that goes by that I do not think about this situation. <P>Although my relatinship w/H and his relationship w/son seem to be going well, things are not the same. I believe all that I have read (much of it on this board) that marriages can, indeed, be stronger and better than they were prior to the A. In many ways our is. BUT, I still have the nagging fear that tugs at my heart daily. (e.g. Is he REALLY where he says he is? Would he have continued the affair if OW had not arranged for me to find out? Do I REALLY want to continue paying child support until our obligation ends when I am 72?)<P>I love my H with all my heart...always have, always will. But if I had been in my 20s or 30s when all of this happened, I would not have chosen to walk this long, difficult road to recovery....not because I don't love him and believe we can make it, but because I would not want to face these personal insecurities for 40 or 50 more years. I would not choose to live with the consequences of someone else's actions for that long.<P>My son has asked me many times why I did not divorce his father. In fact, he encouraged me to for a long time and has even intimated to me very recently that if I still choose to do that, it ok w/him. <P>My own mother lived with my father until we were all grown and married, even though everyone knew she was not happy. A short time after the youngest of us was married and secure, she divorced my dad and lived a life in which she was a renewed spirit: she returned to her career (nursing) because my father would never permit her to work, developed friendships and interests on her own, and was a joy to be around....for the 4 years she lived until she died of cancer.<P>And what of her sacrifice for her children? We loved our mother dearly. She was intelligent, beautiful, and kind, and she was a wonderful mother to us. BUT, she should not have done what she did "for us." I look back on her life and see it as a sad waste of a human spirit, and I cannot help but feel a measure of guilt. Children are entitled to the love, care, and attention of their parents, but not their very lives. My mother more or less raised us as a single parent anyway, because my father was frequently not around. She could have done that even if she had divorced him. I tell you all this to point out that staying in a miserable marriage supposedly "for the kids' just doesn't wash with me. It is much worse for kids to live in a home with both parents if those parents obviously do not make each other happy. Think about it.<P>Finally, just for the record, had I been 20 years younger when I learned of my H's affair with only a few years of my life invested, I would not have chosen to stay, try to rebuild, and live with the fears that living with a once-unfaithful spouse bring. Think about it. <P>Love, <BR>anniem<P>

babstr, no you didnt start any rollercoasters.I never thought about that side of all this as far as bringing anymore children into this because I cant have any more babies. Ive been at this since I was 14 and have 4 children. When our little girl was born we decided that was enough so I had my tubes tied. It just made me realize how sad it would be to be your situation. I say go with your heart also.I like anniem reply. My spirit is still alive although It has took quit some time to find it so I will make it. Dont ever worry about saying anything to start a rollercoaster the only one that can do that is h. I always find someone here that is a mirror of my feelings and it helps so much to know there are people that understand. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited January 20, 2001).]

anniem,<P>You are right. And your points are exactly what I think about daily. I am young, what in the world am I doing here. Do I want to live the rest of my life settling for second best? My age does make a big difference. A lot of the people here have years invested in their marriages, I have four years. Now I do have eight years in the relationship, but only 4 in the actual marriage. Is that enough time to sacrifice my sanity for the rest of my life.<P>I do know that when my daughter finds out I know that she will be disgusted and most likely wonder why I didn't leave him. I worry about what example that will set for her. <P>All of your points are so logical. I talked to my h last night and said the same things to him. Of course he just says that he doesn't know how to prove that it won't happen again. But he understands why I feel this way, and he doesn't really have a legitimate answer for me. Everything he says is what he said before this happened. I mean we had only been married for 10 months before this happened. That also makes a big difference with me. <P>The only reason that I have even given this marriage a chance is because it wasn't a full blown affair. It was a one night stand. My bottom line was that if my husband had a full affair for months or years there is no way I would stay. If he had feelings for the OW, then it would have changed it also for me. I know for a fact that he was drunk, and she found him passed out and that is when it happened. But there is really no excuse for it. But he didn't care for this woman. They didn't share conversations, or write letters to each other. He always just loved me, that makes a difference also. <P>But, besides all of those points. I still worry what happens when he gets drunk again. I told him last night that I am sure in the next 50-60 years there will be a time when he drinks too much, and I am sure he will be on active duty somewhere when it happens. That is a long time to have to worry about him not falling into those situations and nothing happening again. I mean it isn't like he was having mid-life crisis. I know a lot of men usually stray in their 40's or 50's. But those men have been in relationships for years. This happened not even a year into it.<P>I could go around and around. I just don't know if I can trust him. Or if I want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next shoe to drop. I just don't know if I can. <P>I also was raised in my family where I know my mom isn't happy. My parents are still together, but I have two sisters that are still at home. What is my mom's biggest fear, what happens when my sisters leave the house. Because my dad is awful to her, and they have nothing in common. In fact my dad comes home and doesn't even speak to her. So I know what that life is like. I used to try to get her to leave him, and she would just say that she loved him even though she isn't happy. That is not a good life. <P>I don't know what I want. A big part of me, just wants to have a clean relationship! No worries, no cheating. Would I find that if I left my H. But I also don't want to live that divorced life. I want my daughter to have a happy childhood, and the best childhood for her would be to have her parents with her. Do I want my child shipped back and forth between my H and I, no. I want her to wake up every Christmas morning, and for us to be there to send her to kindergarten, and to dance at her wedding together. <P>Which of course goes back to my original problem, who am I here for. My daughter, my fantasy of the family, or because I love my h and that is who I want to spend my life with. I know I said for better or worse, but my H broke that promise to me, should I keep mine?<P>Sorry I rambled. But I think now that I am coming up on the 1 year DDAy, FEB 9, that is why I am having such a hard time. When I found out, I told my H it might take me a year to clear my head and figure out what I was going to do. And now I am at the crossroads. <P>babstr. <BR>

babstr, the dates when we found out do bring up alot of feelings. I have 2 to deal with it will be 2 years this may that I found out he cheated and it was 1 year this past Nov that I found out about oc. It sure does make these times of year a lot diffrent. All your thoughts I strugle with daily also. Just hang in there and something will show us the way. Try to do things that make you happy as the day grows nearer. I know its sometimes pretty hard to do that. I wish I could say my h was drunk when this happened but he dont even drink he knew just what he was doing. Gees it sounds like that tramp raped your h how sick. I dont see how these things can get money when something like this happens. To bad your h didnt press charges for rape. The way our system works they would probly just laugh. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

Sometimes we just want to win. That's why we stay. We just want to win.<P>This is what I wanted more than anything right after discovery. I couldn't bear the thought of having my husband leave me and marry OW and live with her and the OC.<P>I worked night and day to get him to come home wondering the entire time why I was so driven and reeled him back as he protested, waffled, vascillated and finally, reluctantly agreed to come home.<P>This is a very difficult thing for me to admit. In fact, I have often been thankful I did not know about Marriage Builders in the beginning of this mess because I broke all the rules. <P>My husband declared me the 'winner'; informing me that I had "won" him from the competition. I told him I had won the booby prize. He retorted it was my smart mouth that got me in trouble. I informed him that there never should have been a competition between a wife of 20 years and a three weekend romp. I was insulted I was compared to 'that'.<P>But, that was then. <BR>Since then there have been many, many, many times I have profoundly regretted reeling him back home. There have been many times I wished I would have let him play out his 'affair' and let him move forward with the divorce and not fought so hard for him because it has been a very, very tough road.<P>It has only been since October 22, just three months, where real healing has taken place...where real gratitude has been experienced again and where I believe my marriage is truly recovering. <P>In the last three months I have experienced a miracle. My husband and I have brought down all the walls and have renewed our marriage and ourselves into what we once thought it was, what we were. <P>It took two or three years to come to this point in our marriage where there is once again some measure of trust and respect. He consistently proves himself on a daily basis, never waivering. <P>It is an incredible feeling of accomplishment to survive the worst possible thing and make it to the other side; all bloody and beaten up perhaps, but with a new understanding and a reinforced closeness that feels so right.<P>Whatever the original motives and intentions, God's hand brought us to where we are right now. And for this I am grateful. Patience, focus and a lot of hard work will bring you the answers and results you desire if it is God's will and in His own time frame. It's hard not to get impatient, feel fearful or be plagued with doubt, questioning motives and feeling weak or stupid because we stay. <P>We all go through the phases wondering if we are all wasting our time putting so much effort into a marriage that our spouses damaged. All I can tell you is that I felt the way all of you have described not so very long ago. <P>Up until October, I too wondered why I stayed, remembering how I would puff up and tell people I would never stand for my husband's infidelity...yet, here I am...not just with a run of the mill infidelity, but with the endless issues of the OC...the worst possible thing that can happen.<P>Today I am glad I stayed and that things played out the way they did since discovery. My marriage truly is better than ever; my husband is a better husband than he was before and I am beginning to love my life again. <P>Catnip =^^= <P> <P>

Catnip,<P>Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. If you don't go public with your story. I would suggest that you maybe write a book about this. If you don't keep a journal, than you could just print off all of your posts. I think you have a knack for writing. Just a suggestion. Once again thank you.<P>babstr.

babstr,<P>I too am almost 29, two children. I know exactly what you feel. I know that I could start over and make a new life. I feel that pull sometimes to have a clean, trust-filled relationship. I feel the damage, the scars, and wonder how I can live with this for the rest of my life. I hear people say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater..." I am paralyzed by the fear of having to endure this pain again. I wonder if I will kick myself when I am 40 or 50 and think that I could have started over in my life and I missed my chance. I look at my children and wonder if I would still be here if I did not have them. I know how you feel... BUT, this is what I come back to...<P>I do love my H. He has made big changes in his life and in our marriage. This I can see. I want our family. I want my children to have their father. I want my H. He has become my best friend. We now have a marriage, in so many ways, that I never dreamed possible. Yes, there is so much pain that I still deal with. I get so discouraged and depressed sometimes. Thoughts of leaving, of GETTING THE HE11 OUTTA DODGE!!! still cross my mind when the pain is just too much to bear. <P>So why am I here... my love for him? or the kids? Both reasons are there. Which one is bigger? I don't think there is any way to know. I don't know what I would do if we didn't have kids. There has been so much damage... But, the fact is - we do have kids. So, any speculation on what I would do is theoretical. It doesn't matter. <P>I could leave and find someone else. But, I am not so naive (anymore) to think that another relationship would be without it's faults. My marriage means enough to me for me to give it a second chance. If my H had not changed I would not stay. I don't believe in staying for the kids only. They need to see two parents who love each other. If I knew he was still cheating I would not stay. I will not knowingly subject myself to that abuse and I will not model that example to my children. No, I am not one to stay in the marriage at all costs. <P>But, I will give him a second chance at this. I will give our family a second chance. I am not immune to him hurting me again. In spite of his changes, I know that I have no guarantees. But, that is life. There are no guarantees to be had. There would be no guarantees with another man, with another life either. And this man I love. This man I chose to marry. This man fathered my children. This man is doing everything in his power to right his wrongs. <P>It is true, this pain could haunt and hurt for the rest of my life. But, I don't think changing my circumstances would change the pain. If you get shot in one house, just because you walk next door doesn't mean you aren't shot anymore. You know what I mean? I carry this scar no matter what house I'm in. No, I am not immune to being hurt by him again. I could live to regret my decision to stay. I could miss my chance and end up alone. But, I will feel that I honored my marriage and that I did all that was in my power to preserve my family. I am doing the best I can to provide my children with the family they deserve. They didn't ask for this whore to be brought into their lives either. <P>I am learning to extend grace and forgiveness to a man who is so repentant and who I love dearly. I will not classify him for his whole life by the mistakes he made. I do not want to be characterized by mine. If it does work out and when we are eighty, watching our grandchildren playing on the lawn, I will not look over to him and think, "CHEATER!!!" I will see a man that I love. A man who started out with a lot of problems and a lot of growing up to do. I will see a man who dedicated himself to his family, and to God, as he has. I will see a marriage that not only survived, but thrived under the fire. And I believe, I will be so thankful that I was true to my vows. <P>I put a lot of this in God's hands. I can't make anything happen. I have to trust Him. I am so thankful that my H is trusting Him too.<P>Yes, there is a scar that I cannot remove. It will always remain. But, I think it was Just Learning who said that the thing about scar tissue is that it is stronger than ordinary skin. That's a truth that I carry in my heart. <P>Everyone has to make their own decisions. I just wanted to share mine with you. I hope this helps.

<BR>babst opines:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you don't go public with your story. I would suggest that you maybe write a book about this. If you don't keep a journal, than you could just print off all of your posts. I think you have a knack for writing. Just a suggestion.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Catnip and I already have a screenplay in the planning stages. And Catnip is fairly insistent that Michael J. Fox portray me (my wife looks a LOT like Jamie Lee Curtis, so that one's a no-brainer). I've got Sally Fields for Catnip and Roseanne for the BNY. Heh. The casting is as much fun as the writing. <P>Bystander

Catnip Sally Feilds naaaa I think Julia Roberts. What is BNY? with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

BNY must be the lovely OW in New York, correct?? I think Catnip needs someone stronger playing her - Sigourney Weaver, Meryl Streep ?? How could Mel Gibson fit into all of this?<P>Fun thinking......<P>Carrie