My H has been living out of the house for two weeks at an extended stay hotel. His "plan" is for OW to see that he is not living with me and then hopefully she will "give up" and go away. He thinks that as long as we are together OW will continue to pursue him and think that they have not been given their fair chance at a relationship. (I know all this sounds VERY convoluted). <P>Anyway, H came over Friday night & stayed to assist with kids and ballgames on Saturday. My oldest was also sick & needed someone home with him. My H stayed Sat. night also for same reason to assist with sick child while I went to church with other kids. <P>When I get home he tells me he has some stuff to talk about and that OW had called while I was at church. She actually called MY HOUSE! He said she was looking for him & was very snappy. That OC was sick and she needed some help. That the OC was almost 6 months old and my H had NEVER came and sat with him (mind you.. this woman will not allow H to take OC and visit with her here). She went on about how she is alone in this city with no family and trying to raise a child by herself & how hard it is. HELLO!!! WHOEVER TOLD HER IT WAS EASY TO RAISE CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY BY YOURSELF! She mentioned that this just wasn't working and she needed to go see her lawyer on Monday (today). I think this was spurred on by H helping with our sick child.<P>Well H went over there & apparently they talked. He told her that seeing lawyer would just start a big mess. As you may recall, she reports to H at a big company. He is a VP and this would cause lot's of stuff. He will most likely loose his job. And since his employment contract prevents him from seeking employment in same field, he most likely will not be able to gain employment at same salary. So everyone (him, her, my children) would stand to be hurt financially.<P>I do not see my H quitting his job. He thinks OW will get tired of this game & quit her job and move back to the state her parents live in. I think it will be a cold day before that happens. And until she is out of our lives, there will be no "us". I will not allow my H to move back in with her in the picture. At this point, due to work situation she is running the show. And I think she always will.<P>My only solution to this is to divorce my H and let them have each other. If they marry or live together, it will be concentual and her claim of harrasement will be invalid and the blackmail threat goes away. Thus my H can at least provide the income that he owes my children. This all sounds so calculated and mercenary, but I think it is the only solution at this point. I have just about lost all love and respect for my H. I will assist in parenting my children and will always work in their best interest, but I do not think I have a relationship with this man any more, even though he is professing that our family is all in the world he wants. Actually he wants the job too. <P>I just cannot get into all this crap with OW. Maybe I am a conflict avoider? Actually I just don't think I should have to waste my time dealing with her. I fear that even if she goes away she will blackmail us forever. Or she will "re-appear" when OC is older and demand money, etc. and expect us to jump. She wants my H to pay, one way or another. My lovebank is too drained to withstand that assault. Just the thought of it makes me ill. I know my H and it would be just like him to go behind my back & be handing over extra cash everytime she calls just to ease his guilt. He would have a secret life forever. I just cannot go there.<P>I am hanging in for another week of two before calling my lawyer and getting divorce action back into play. Perhaps in the interuim OW will quit and leave state. Anything can happen.<P>Take care... Carolyn <p>[This message has been edited by takingcare (edited January 22, 2001).]

Takingcare, <P>What a mess! I don't all the details of your situation, but I gather it is pretty complicated with a number of issues. <P>First of all, I fail to see how you and your H will "drive away" the OW by living apart. I would think that this would encourage her to continue her pursuit of your H. Was this your H's idea by any chance? That's only the first of several questions I would have if I were you.<P>Why did OW call YOUR house to talk with your H when he lives elsewhere and she knows it? How did she happen to call when you happened to be gone? Why did he go to her home to talk with her? What did they need to "talk" about that that could not have included you?<P>I gather that your H fear she will file a Sexual Harrassment suit against him, thus causing him to lose job, etc. Do you and your H want to deal with a blackmailer indefinitely in addition to the pressures of marital recovery after an affair? If I were in your position, I would talk w/a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to first of all determine where your H stands legally where this woman is concerned. Did he sexually harrass her? If so, I can understand his fears.

My H did decide that by him moving out OW would see that he was not going to be with her either and that he would be alone. I know all that is convoluted.<P>He does fear for his job. Even though there was no harasement, even the slightest perception will cause problems. I have evidence that she pursued him (in her handwriting & signed by her). She knew he was married & had children. She still pursued. It was not unwilling contact. But a big company will write a check to her in a heartbeat (getting rid of the problem) and cut their losses. He will be let go, since they have a strict "morals" code. <P>I talked with a lawyer immediately upon discovering the affair. He has counciled me for the past year and agrees that OW can probably get some money out of this regardless of whether she can prove harassment. There is no burden of proof that he forced her into this. She just has to say that was the case. I guess he also forced her to write serious love letters and get pregnant too. <P>I think legally the best course of action is to let her have him. If they are together she has no claim of harassment. Screwed up isn't it?<P>Thanks for responding. It is a mess & lot's of issues. Take care.. Carolyn

The last thing that I want to do is ever give negative advise, but from other posts that I have read, you should at least find out about CS for your children before OW does anything about getting CS for her child. If it comes to that. I do think it weird that you H thinks that by "being by himself", without you or OW, will make OW dissapear Very strange if you ask me. That's my 2 cents worth.<P>Tigger<p>[This message has been edited by tigger4jdt (edited January 22, 2001).]

Thanks Tigger. I have already filed for CS last summer. My taking that action reduced the remaining salary for my H and thus, reduced what she is getting (she gets 21% after my 33% is taken out). Still he is paying her LOT's of money already. She is just pissed that she is not on equal status as me. She wants her child to be treated like mine. <P>Take care.. Carolyn

takingcare, what a mess its sounds fishy. You do what you have to to take care of yourself. I agree with what your plans are. I dont know how you have kept your sanity. You will be in my thoughts take care. with love flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

taking care,<P>Get your butt to the child support office. That is how it works. The first one there gets first take of the money. Who ever is second gets their part after the first. That is what I was told. Because the OW filed for child support, that even if I got a divorce, my share comes out after hers. In other words she gets 20% of my H's entire salary. I would get 20% of what is left after her share is taken out. So if you are even slightly considering this get in there. In fact I think some of the women on this site even went in and established child support if there is a separation. If the two of you are not living together, you could file for a legal separation, and file for child support. This is so important. I wouldn't let that OW black mail me. I also don't understand why he might not have a chance to keep his job, if he tells his supervisors about it. There are a lot of times that if you come to them and are honest, they won't fire you. That sure would take the wind out of her sails. Did your H tell her to keep the baby? I am just curious since she is whining about being a single parent, what did she think was going to happen? <P>babstr.

Thanks Flowerseed. I have held on with the assistance of you guys! Otherwise I think I would be insane.<P>Babster, thanks for your concern. I have a CS order from this summer and it preceeds her efforts. My H was in total agreement with it & wants our children to be protected to the hilt as far as money goes.<P>I have tried to get him to go to mgmt & discuss this, but he feels that is wrong thing to do. He asked her not to have baby & abort. Then he asked her to give it up for adoption. But she wanted a baby. She wanted my life basically. She wants to be the wife of the guy in charge. <P>He told her from the beginning he would NOT be there to assist with this child. That all he would do is send check. She knew that, but I guess she doesn't care what he tells her. That is why she bothers me. She has mental issues in my opinion.<P>Thanks for all your concern. Take care... Carolyn <BR><p>[This message has been edited by takingcare (edited January 22, 2001).]

<BR>Carolyn,<P>Just when I think I've covered every possible twist in the crooked child support system, I stumble onto a new one. Child support is based on the notorious "imputed income" and your husband has signed a non-compete clause. This leaves him exposed to blackmail, and that's in effect what's happening. Amazing.<P>Bystander

I am not sure if I should feel complemented or not on managing to stump you Bystander. One of those dubious honors.<P>Take care.. Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by takingcare:<BR>[B]My H has been living out of the house for two weeks at an extended stay hotel. His "plan" is for OW to see that he is not living with me and then hopefully she will "give up" and go away. He thinks that as long as we are together OW will continue to pursue him and think that they have not been given their fair chance at a relationship [B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Carolyn:<P>I don't mean to offend...but, do you 'buy' this? This is the most absurd reason I have ever heard of. If anything, it would give OW 'hope' that your husband has left you and is fair game.<P>Sounds like he's playing games. His reasons defy logic and his arguments are ridiculous.<P>Carolyn, you've been here long enough to know when someone on the board is in denial. Sometimes it is hard for us to see denial when we are the ones in the midst of our own emotional tsunami. I know this is true for me. Please be careful and listen to your heart, follow your instincts.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip, I don't buy anything completely anymore. Don't worry, you don't offend me. Plus I know full well how goofy my H can think. To be so smart in business, he is sometimes an absolute fool. I think he honestly beleives what he is saying. It is just that what he is saying is so STUPID!<P>He has for months ignored all signs of impending doom from OW. He has trusted her motives and thought he knew what she wanted and where she would take all this. That she would just "drift off" and leave us alone. Of course this is the same man who presumed she "just wanted a sexual relationship" too. She is a female snake & why he trusts her is beyond me. I can not trust him if he is placing trust in her to "do the right thing".<P>My eyes are very wide open. I think we will most likely end up divorced, just out of an effort to protect our family and income. Sounds screwed up, but you do what you have to do. God knows that you are aware of that.<P>Take care and thanks for your concern. Carolyn

takingcare,<P>I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I know that you have given me some good advice in the past so I thought compelled to post although I am not sure that I am qualified to give advice.<P>I agree with many of the others that is seems a bit suspicious that OW would go away if she thought the two of you weren't together. At the same time, I understand that your H is in difficult situation with his job. Although he did get himself into this mess, it still doesn't make his situation any easier. So, H may be willing to try just about anything if he really wants rid of her.<P>Also, I thought you should know that she only has a limited amount of time in which to file her claim. I don't know what state you are in, but I doubt whether the statute of limitations is more than 2 years. I know that seems like a long time, but at least there is one bright spot.<P>Dolphin

Oh Dolphin! That is a great piece of information that I had not thought of! There should be a statue of limitations on the harassment stuff. I need to look into it. If 2 years is correct for my state, then we will be coming up on two years this summer! Fantastic. <P>See... you never know what goods news & info you have! Take care... Carolyn