Iafny wrote: "Hi,this is my first post here. I am in a similar situation as you. My H of 8yrs(together 18yrs.)had a brief PA with a much younger co-worker, who now has a 14month old with him. We have an 8yr old girl and a 5yr old boy who have not been told yet. The OW moved herself to our state, which allows my H to see his oc,which he does 2-3 times a<BR>week. My question to you is how old are your children, and how did you explain the OC to them? I would not be able to deal with OW face to face being she was once my friend and her other 2 children(by 2 different fathers)use to play with our children. I am willing to except OC as long as there is no social contact with OW. Right now he goes to visit OC in the home were OW is also present and he can not continue to hide this life from our children..I would like your or anyones help with this heartwrenching situation. Thank you"<P>Iafny, my heart goes out to you, your family, and the similarities to my own situation. I also knew the XOW as a friend and her first 2 children were best friends with my 8yo son, so I had to explain that they could no longer play. My H has no contact with OC because he moved before the birth. Our marriage counselor told us it is best to wait as long as possible to tell our 2 children because it is so confusing and maturity helps understanding, but that they should be told before any contact w/OC.<P>There is very little professional guidelines for dealing with an OC situation-- What little I can find says there should be NO CONTACT between former affairees--meaning your H and the XOW. If possible, you or a neutral third person should be making all the visitation arrangements, etc. If that isn't practical, maybe make all the contacts with XOW together as a couple. If you and your H agree to long-term sharing of parenting of this OC, I think you have to tell your children, perhaps in front of a counselor to attend to their fears/questions. By telling your kids, you can bring the Ochild into your family and deal with it as a family; keep family unity in the forefront of your mind!!! If your H is seeing the OC 2-3 times/week at XOW's in addition to a full-time job, won't your children begin to resent the time he spends with OC and not them?? I think you and your H must chose between bringing the OC into your life as a step-child or your H not seeing OC.<P>How to tell the children? Young children need stability, to know that life will continue much the same, and reassurance that they are not to blame (that age think things are their fault). They don't need to be burdoned with too much detail (like we almost divorced or sexual information), just something like "Daddy has another child that lives in X town and XOW is the mommy. What daddy and XOW did was wrong. It hurt mommy's feelings and daddy is very sorry." (Daddy should be saying this in his own words!) "It is not the fault of any child, not you, not XOW's kids, not OC. We will have OC visit at our house, because H is her daddy, but we cannot play with XOW and her (first 2)kids any more." It should be emphasised that this is a grown-up problem and the grown-ups with deal with it. <P>We do send gifts to our OC and are open to her visiting us if she wants to when she is older, so I have thought a lot about teling my kids.<P>Another issue here is who else in your family/community knows and who are you willing for the kids to tell? It is not appropriate to ask them to lie. The 8yo might be careful who she tells, but the 5yo won't be descriminatory about who he tells of the OC... his teacher or classmates or? On the other hand, if the information is kept low-key, he might not care about it enough to tell anyone. <P>These are all things you'll want to think through before you tell. I'd recommend a good counselor, esp. one who has some experience with this issue. The counselor we saw had a couple tell their 2 young teens about the OC in front of him and it was basically a positive experience.<P>I have to go now. I'm trying hard to spend less time on this board as it keeps me thinking of things I need to forget for awhile. But your situation pulls at my heart. I'll check back later. Please respond.<BR>Jenny, in recovery for 2+ years! <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited January 22, 2001).]

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Iafny, did you say ow followed you to another state? eeh gads I dont have any advice on what you can tell your other children thats one of the things I so dread when the day comes that we will have to tell our dauther.We have no contact with ow or oc. Thats something I couldnt handle. So sorry you have to be going thru this nightmare. Iam sure more will be along soon to help you out. Hang in there with love flowerseed <P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

Dear Iafny,<BR>When the ow first announced her pregnancy, whe told my h that he could come and see the oc anytime he wanted, but without me. This is crap. My h has NEVER seen ow alone since the affair ended. It is so important that you force the ow into realizing that you two are a team. She needs to know that your h will not do anything without you. In our case, we are filing for visitation, and the ow's lawyer told her already that legally, I am the oc's stepmother, and I have every right to be by my husband's side during visitation, whenever it gets started. Yes, it will be hard to see ow during the initial visitations, but once we have established communication with the oc, we will be able to take her off on our own, and the ow won't be there at all. I know it is tearing you up inside knowing that he is over there alone wth ow. Don't do it anymore. Make arrangements for a friend or rleative (yours or hers) to deliver the child, or pick the oc up and take back to your house.