H told me over the weekend that doctors had to take the baby because of OW's health problems. I am not sure whether to believe H or not. I know that it would be very sick to make up such a thing. But, H has lied alot and I don't know if he still is.<P>We are not currently living together--he lives with his sister and I living with my parents. I stay at his apartment sometimes, but it is rare.<P>As I've mentioned in past messages, I just can't stop talking about all this mess. H is confused about his emotions. He is sad and glad, but feels guilty about being glad. I thought that we could finally move on, but I didn't know where he was Saturday night or all day Sunday. So, I just assumed he was with OW. He is adament that he wasn't and he is getting tired of me always interrogating him. Please tell me what I should do? Should we just try to forget what has happened in the past and look forward to the future? But, how do you forget what has happened? It is so fresh in my mind and my self-esteem is very low and I worry that he still wants OW. He says that he can't believe that I'd think he would want her after everything that he told me about her. If it is all true, she really is an awful person! But, is it true?<P>I just wish that if he wanted to be with her, he'd tell me. I asked him to, but, he said he won't tell me that because it would be a lie because he doesn't want her. <P>I also think that he is starting to give up hope that I will be able to move on from this whole thing. Any advice would be most appreciated.<P>

It's time for you to start calling the shots. I know this is a difficult thing for you to do given your current ambivalent feelings and self-worth issues. But one thing I can guarantee; once you begin to make proactive stances, some of your self esteem will return.<P>In my opinion, the first thing you should do is insist on NO CONTACT with the OW and together write and send the no contact letter to her. If your husband refuses to do this, you will know it is time for you to go into Plan B and write him a Plan B letter.<P>I only suggest this because it seems you want to see him take a stand one way or the other because his lies and 'fence-sitting' are making you insecure and unsure of your future. The best way to get information is to make things happen and start calling the shots; which can be risky...you may get results you don't want, but at least you find out where you stand.<P>This is probably bad advice...anyone out there have opinions? I just hate to see someone tortured by uncertainty.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

I thought I did take a stand. I told him that I needed time to decide what I wanted to do because he was telling me before the baby died that he wanted to get custody of the baby and have us raise the OC. I told him I didn't know if I could do that. I guess that in a way, H is in a different situation because although most of the OWs certainly aren't saints, OW in our case is terrible mother. Her other kids were taken away for neglect before and there are many other things that I won't get into here. So, I could understand why H wouldn't want her raising his child because she really shouldn't have any!<P>But, the baby is gone so there should be no reason for us not to move on. I don't know maybe H is sad about loss of baby. He did kind of want it because he loves kids and thought he couldn't have any. I don't know, maybe he can't. The baby may not have been his.<P>Anyway, just last week he was telling me how going on this cruise we had sceduled may be just what we need to get things back on course. Now, he says he doesn't know if he wants to go. Part of the reason is that I told him my cousin thinks he only wants to go because I paid for it. But, he did tell me he'd pay half if that is what I wanted him to do. For me, it isn't about the money. I just want to know that he is telling the truth when he gave me a X-Mas card that said "you are and always will be the love of my life." Then, he wrote in his own handwriting that "more true words have never been spoken." Anyway, I am rambling on here.

Dolphin, I am not too sure either where you are at in recovery. One thing about the recovery process, it is VERY difficult with an OC in the picture. I hate to say that now it will be easier, since the death is still a hurtful thing. It may not have been your H's child, but I am sure he still has questions and pain over it all.<P>Are you two doing counseling? Have you managed a Plan A? Perhaps between counceling and Plan A you could survive and move past some of the issues you are both having.<P>Let us know some more & perhaps my input can be more valid. Take care... Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>In my opinion, the first thing you should do is insist on NO CONTACT with the OW and together write and send the no contact letter to her. If your husband refuses to do this, you will know it is time for you to go into Plan B and write him a Plan B letter.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think you Plan A until you feel comfortable insisting on no contact with OW, then switch to Plan B if your demand isn't met. That's a lovebuster. You Plan A with a goal of a POJA decision to stop contact; then Plan B when you run out of hope that you can get that with sugar.<BR>

Dear dolphin. I am new here but i can tell you from experience how lucky you are that the baby died. I don't care how cruel it sounds, it is true. Having the ow's oc live is a horror that just goes on and on. My advice, beyond just the nocontact letter, is to move as far away as you possibly can from ow. My husband and i moved from PA to NC - where we didn't know anybody- with just enough money to rent an apartment and buy two weeks worth of food. We got jobs soon after. We left behind everything, house, family, friends. It forced us to be entirely on our own, and it gave me confidence knowing that it would be harder for ow to track us down. after 2 years we moved back to pa knowing our marriage would survive. consider it. It was one of the hardest things i have ever done, but it was soooo worth it.