Thought this quote would give you somethink to ponder over. It did me<P>"Resentment is like swallowing poison and then waiting for the other person to die."<P>What do you think? Actually, I heard this quote nearly three years ago, and it has been instrumental to my dealing with thoughts of the ow. Hardly a day goes by that I dont force myself to repeat it so that I can focus on what the hatred of ow does to me.<P>My h would very much like to know how other ws are handling the guilt and self-hate they have about this situation. He is feeling consumed by it, and is suffering from major headaches and sleeplessness. He says he sometimes can't look at himself in the mirror when he thinks about what he did to me and how his actions will affect our children. I am trying to be as helpful as possible and we are going to be going to more counseling, but in the meantime, I thought maybe you might share with me how your husbands (or wives) cope.<P>We went to my brother's wedding today, and both of us had a hard time during the preacher's little "let no man put asunder" speech. I know that I just felt like somebody punched me in the gut when he was talking about the perfect love of marriage. I didn't mention it at all, but then when we got home, my h confessed that he felt like crying during it. So we were both having a rough time of it then. How horrible that this situation pops up so unexpectedly and is able to cut so deeply after four years. But, a tiny bit of hope for those of you in the early stages - there was a time when I couldn't even watch a romantic television show or read an article about couples without totally losing it. A wedding would have been completely out of the question. So it does get better. I'm not sure if time heals all wounds, but it does seem to make them easier to bear.<P>Incidentally, I was looking over some past posts and saw one that was actually written by an ow, a mother to an oc. Has anyone ever run into their ow on this site? Wouldn't that be something? I don't know what I would say, but I am fairly certain that kind words would not spew forth from my lips.

When I read posts like this, I don't know if I can handle feeling this 4 yrs. from now...<P>Bless you cd....<P>2 1/2 mos. into recovery.<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

All I know is that my H keeps it internally. He is always making me feel better, but I know that he really struggles with it. We are coming up on a year, but I know he has been living with the guilt going on three and half years. I just hope that he can at one time let some of it go, or he will never heal.<P>babstr.

cd, i know that my husband keeps things in too. he will tell me how he has messed things up and how sorry he is, but usually you would think none of it bothers him. he is like that with everything though. like it will go away?? i know he suffers, especially when he sees me suffering. though the only way i can tell is from his eyes. i do know that it will eat us all away if we eventually don't move on and forgive ourselves, our spouses, the OW, etc. and then we can heal.<P>i have heard that quote before and love it. it is so very true. the OW in our situation wouldn't be able to operate a computer i doubt, so luckily i will never see her here.<P>happy_girl

CD:<P>My husband isn't handling the guilt well. He is filled with remorse and regret and desperately wishes he could turn back the hands of time and change things.<P>While this is sort of a perverse gratification for me, I can't stand to see him in so much pain. And while his remorse is a healing balm for me (I am really doing very well) I believe this is destructive for him. It seems to feed upon itself and makes him more disgraced or soemthing. I can't put my finger on it but this hair shirt he's wearing ain't good.<P>I work very hard to reassure him of my love for him and my forgiveness for what he did and of him. Sometimes I want to hurt him when I have a momentary spasm of jealousy and rage triggered by something I see or hear and I force myself to shut up so I don't make him feel any worse than he already does. <P>It has become almost tougher on him than it is for me. In fact, he says, "How would you like to be me and know what I did to you and our life and have to live with this?"<P>Just like everything else, it takes time. He has worked to heal me, now it is up to me to try to heal him. <P>It is in my own best interest and that of the marriage to forgive because I benefit by being loving and forgiving to my husband and allow him to heal from his shame. The shame is destructive to him and to me. The longer he feels badly, the longer it takes for us to become us again.<P>We need to be patient.<P>Catnip =^^=