The OW has responded to the cs and visitation court filing my H sent out.<P>Apparently she's got an injury that keeps her from performing her current job. This is a problem she was born with, but she took a job that was physically demanding anyway??? Well, pregnancy and delivery made it worse. Goes to show you that some of us just want our way regardless of the consequence. <P>Anyway, she hasn't worked in almost a year. LI' lady was born only a couple of months ago.<BR>Question:<BR>What bearing does that have on CS? I believe she's filed for public assistance, but I'm curious to know if the courts will mandate she get a job she can perform, or will they allow her to be a lazy OW? (offensive whore)<BR>Also, I've been thinking about the primary custody question. We have a house, no children and make pretty good money. She's got no where to live (she stays with a relative) no money, and what sounds like no plans to get a job. I know money is not the deciding factor in this type of case, but I'd like to think a real mother would have found some type of job by now. <P>In her response to the court order/summons, her only objection to my H having primary custody in the response letter (not that my H was asking for primary custody, only visitation) is that he doesn't know lil' lady and was unwilling to hold her during the only visit that's taken place. <P><BR>If I were a judge, I don't think I'd make that the deciding factor in a child's best interest. Regardless of whether my H held lil' lady during the first visit, he obviously gives a damn about her welfare, otherwise, he would have waited for the mom to file papers, which we didn't. Besides, the only person that's hurt by my H not holding this little angel is the xOW. And maybe him, but sorry, it'll have to wait until we both get to hold her and bond with her at the same time. She's part of our family, not my husband part of her mother's life.<BR>As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of trying to bond with her first...imaging backing yor H on something like this only to find out you can't stand the sight of an innocent little child. I pray it doesn't go this way for us.<BR>I know forbiding my H from holding his daughter until I place her in his arms sounds callous and cold, maybe even crazy but the xOW only function in our life after the A, was to deliver a child. She is a biological mother, unentitled to having any kind of bonding time with my husband. <P>I will place that little angel in his hands since I'll be the one helping him to raise her when she's in our custody. It sounds silly..and I digress,(big time!)<BR>but I wonder if suing for primary custody is a good idea?<BR>Your thoughts re: CS in the state of NC? <BR>I say she needs to get off her lazy a#@ and get a regular job like everyone else to feed her child!!!

I read your title "Disable OW" and got all excited! I thought you were going to offer a suggestion of how to disable OW. Hahahaha<P>The OW in our situation is a 35 year old welfare wh0re who still lives with her mommy and daddy and sleeps til 11 AM and watches Jerry Springer. No one in the 'system' is mandating she gets a job. The amount of support ordered by the courts does not reward her for laziness, I hope, although it is hard to tell in our situation. Staying at home is her choice and her problem.<P>Everything you said about the OW not being entitled to bond with your husband via this kid and use the fact he didn't hold it as a reason for not wanting involvement is not something that would even be an issue in court. I mean, big deal. <P>At the time, I am sure he was just trying to acclimate to the situation and the horror of having to face what he had done.<P>You may find you can't stand the sight of the OC but babies have a way of melting the most hardened heart (like mine) but you should be given the option of trying if you choose to. After all, it is you and this OC who are the only two innocents in this horrible situation...the only two who should have any rights at all, yet you are at the mercy of a woman who has stolen your most prized possession, your marriage's exclusivity. I think you have earned the right to call a shot or two.<P>Good luck...just me mouthing off as usual...<P>Catnip =^^=

hi matthew6:14,15<P>i don't know much yet how the courts work. i have a feeling we will all be more experts in it than we ever imagined, when this is all through. i think it it terrible that a man can be held to a certain wage, even just a potential to earn. yet a woman can just sit home and collect. it is such a double standard. makes me sick. i hope that you decide whatever it is that makes you happy and that you can accept. whether it be to accept the OC into your life or not. i am sure a lot of us could accept OC if the OW didn't come attached to it. i know i could. but that won't happen, so neither will a relationship for us and OC. it is sad, but that is how it will be.<P>good luck in whatever you decide.<P>happy_girl

Sorry for the teaser Catnip. I'm a newby at this whole mess. I come in peace...and total ignorance of what the NC court system has in store for us.<BR>So she has the luxury of being a public assistance diva...I would feel sorry for her, but somehow it doesn't seem like she thinks she needs pity. In one of your recent posts, you said something that struck a chord within me....'they don't even have the dignity to take responsibility for what they did'. I coudln't have said it better myself.<BR>Damnit....why can't everyone in the world be perfect like us???? (smile!)

Hi Happy Girl,<P>It's funny, long before this situation, I would have been the type of woman that looks down on men who abandon their children and don't pay cs.<BR>BUT NOW...I see how unfair the system can be. I think the system still operates under the archaic principle that women are defensless, uncapable, cute little innocent people who need protection from the big-bad wolf men in their lives. <BR>When in reality, these women get themselves in a jam, and then act like they can't take care of themselves. I mean let's face it, a whole lot of men face this in less dramatic circumstances and the outcome is still the same...they get to pay, while the mother get's to play...and lay someone else.<BR>I guess it's the price men pay (and ultimately the child pays) when they have unprotected sex with someone they have not committed themselves to. <BR>Keep us in your prayers!<BR>

matthew,<BR>I think your position re: bonding with child TOGETHER is entirely reasonable and a good idea. Re:the XOW's job situation, I believe she can be on public support for 2 years for any reason before she HAS TO get a job (every citizen has this option), and I don't know what bearing that or a disability would have on a visitation/custody hearing if you chose to press the issue. Our OC is also in NC, and the ch-support is calculated in a rather complicated way, as you probably already know. Our XOW, as far as we can tell, lives off the ch-support she gets from two different men and the extra food from the WIC program. Whatever.<P>Good luck,<BR>Jenny

Dear Matthew6:14,15<BR>I think I can tell you some things, both good and bad, since we went through the NC cs system when our ow filed for cs. What a hell of a way to gain expertise, huh? If your ow is on public assistance, the court will consider her as having no income whatsoever. They do not even count what she gets for money or food stamps from the state as part of her income. Isn't that ridiculous? So your husband will have to pay a larger portion (100%) of what they feel the child is entitled to based on HIS income. The only good news is that they will not consider YOUR income in the figures at all. And you won't have child care expenses tacked on because she doesn't need any to have a job. In our case, the amount we paid for child care expenses was far more than the cs entitlement itself.<BR>As for visitation, in our case my h did not even lay eyes upon oc until I was present. We went together for the first visitation. Yes, it was tough, unbelievably so, to see ow during that time, but you should have seen the look on her face when the oc and I were playing together. Now that we are refiling for visitation again (long story) she knows that it will be the same way. We have made it very clear to her that at no time will we see oc unless we do it as a team, and my lawyer says that there isn't one damn thing ow can do about it. She will have to live with knowing that we are a family, oc will be part of that family, and she NEVER will be. Another thing that is burning her up is that if anything ever happens to her(ow), the custody of oc automatically goes to us, and ow's family would be completely out of the picture.<P>As for will you hate the baby: Yes, for me seeing oc for the first time and realizing how much she looked like h and how much she resembled our own chilren was painful and difficult. But I think that God intervenes and by His grace you are able to see the oc as a completely separate entity from the ow. In our case, I actually bonded with the oc more than my husband did.<P>By the way, where in NC are you from? We lived in Rocky Mount and surrounding area for two years. Good luck<BR>-Donna (cd)

Jenny,<BR>Thanks for the encouragement. grrrr!!!!<BR>I just wish this whole mess was over so we could adjust to whatever changes will take place in our lives, both financially and emotionally!<BR>

CD,<P>We live in Charlotte...that fast-growing metropolis of lonely, single, desparate people with nothing but time on their hands!<P>Thanks for the info...I wonder if the system would think it was better for her to be with us instead of subsidizing her mom's lack of motivation by providing her with stamps, and whatever else they provide, then sticking my H with the bill. <P>I know that's not even a good reason for a child to be with one parent or the other, but let's just say it's one more reason why I think she's better off here.<P>As far as visitation, I think she realizes now that I'll always be a huge part, if not entirely in control of, that whole scene. At first she started out all 'humble as a lamb' acting. She very logically understood that if he was to be a part of the baby's life, then so would I. We would all sit down and talk....then I think she got a shot of reality and realized the cards were stacked in our favor big time. <BR>She went from not wanting anything from us, to reporting my H to Child support enforcement. THis was in November. I know it takes a while, but we haven't heard anything yet from them yet. Besides, we took matters into our own hands and filed all the paperwork and served HER with the summons for CS and visitation and communication. <BR>She went from understanding our 'unique' situation, to wanting to be a part of the first visit. I guess she was understanding as long as she thought things would go her way. NOT! <BR>I pray daily that God will direct us. I don't want any long-term solutions to this situation to be about accommodating anyone's personal needs of healing and validation after such a fiasco. The only way we can truly get our foundation rock-solid again is to make sure we are doing what's right for this little innocent baby, and make sure we're doing what's right for us. What a precarious position! But I'm preaching to the choir.<P>God is good and he will provide no matter the outcome. We are both employed and we BOTH have earnings potential to offset any financial impact to us. I believe with all my heart that the support will be a temporary set back to what will become one of the most solid marriages around. I firmly believe that if we continue to seek him, and do what's right, God will take care of the rest.<BR>As far as visitation, I don't look forward to catching her looks during any visits. I only look forward to making all of the baby's visits with us as comfortable and special for us all as possible. When I say her mom has no place, I mean not even in a negative way. I won't give her the satisfaction of having a visual. Some wise person on this message board said the best revenge is to live well. I'll let her imagine how well we're living so that she can continue to be her own worst enemy! Who knows how to torture us better than ourselves??? <BR>I know I should be praying for her soul and for her breakthrough, but I'm just not there yet!<BR><P>------------------<BR>To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

Dear matthew 6,<BR>It sounds as if you are further along than I am in the forgiveness part. I am still just praying that God will allow me to forgive her. Haven't even thought about her soul yet. Maybe you should go for full custody. After all you caan provide the child with a stable two-parent environment. All children deserve that, and it seems to me that NC should be even more for that considering all of the single parent homes I ran into teaching there. In my eighth grade classes, one year there was just ONE child out of about fifty whose parents were married and still together! How heartbreaking is that? And they wonder why the children acted out and have such problems with authority. Please know that your kind and generous attitude toward oc touches me and your message goes right to my heart.