I hesitate to write too much by way of outright suggestions for fear you all will tell me to shut up and mind my own business and because I am undeniably still a basket-case psychologically over this mess. But I am four years+ into this, and sometimes I think that maybe I can help some of you who are newer to it than I am, like Mattthew6:14,15. I know that when I was at that stage I would have given up my right arm for any advice at all, be it sound or not. So for those who are afraid that they will hate the oc when they see it, here is what I do to prepare: Ever since we realized that we would be filing for visitation again, I have been writing and sending letters to the oc. In them, I tell her about the things we are doing here at our house to prepare for the time when she will be coming here to visit. I write about how she will have her own room that we (she and I) can decorate together. I tell her about our lazy, lovable Bassett Hound, and about her four half-brothers. I tell her how excited we will be to have her in our lives. I have enclosed a copy of the guideposts magazine (April 2000 issue, if anybody wants to check it out and see what we look like) that we were in so that she can see pictures of us all. I have also sent little books, toys, etc. This is helpful to me for a couple of reasons.<BR>1. most importantly, it FORCES me to think about oc as not only a human being, but a child, who is innocent of this whole mess and deserves to be treated with love and respect. Regardles of the fact that she is ow's child, she is also my h's child, and I have to love her because she is part of him. I love my h so much that how could I possibly not care for someone who is part of him?<BR>2. It gets me accustomed to the idea of speaking with her and forming a bond. Even if ow never reads the letters to oc, on my end the communication has begun. In that small way, I know that I will not be beginning anew when visitation starts.<BR>3.It proves to the courts, if that becomes necessary, that I have an interest in the child and in her well-being. I never write anyhting that can be misconstrued as threatening or derisive. It also protects us from ow claiming abandonment, because we have made the effort to keep contact by writing. If she claimed abandonment, she could have my h's rights terminated, even though he would have to keep paying support.<BR>4. it show the ow that I am unified with my husband and that we are a team and that she can no longer hurt us. I know that she has dervied great pleasure from me being in pain, and this way I show her that our marriage, our life, and our happiness continue to flourish despite her greatest efforts. She has to face the fact that oc will be part of our lives, whereas she will always be excluded from it. I for one, could not bear the thought of another woman helping to raise my child, but this is something she will have to live with because of the choices she made.<BR>Anyway, I don't know if this will help anybody, but I thought it was worth telling you all about. (My years in North Carolina are showing because I still want to say "y'all" when I write.)<BR>By the way, everyone who is contemplating visitation should know that although the first few visits may have to take place with ow present, after that you have every legal right to have the oc with you at your house w/o ow. you do not have to tolerate her after the initial contact has been made. In that matter, we have more leverage legally than she does.

Dear CD,<P>Thank you so much for sharing how you are dealing with this.<P>I've begun writing letters to the baby as well. I haven't sent them because I'm writing them to her as though she'll read them when she begins to question how and why her life is the way it is. <BR>I've told her in the letters of how we look forward to her being a part of our lives. Of how her father and I are fighting for her right to be a part of our lives. <BR>Those were just a of letters, but immediately after writing them I felt better. I'm not sure if I'll ever mail them, but I'll keep them forever.<P>You bring up a good point about abandonment. We've been setting aside some money on a weekley basis until the cs order comes in. That way, if it's retroactive, we won't have to scramble for a lump sum.<BR>Since she's not working, we're not sure how she's providing for the baby. <BR>I'm thinking about sending some of the money out that we've saved to make sure her needs are somehow being met. Not sure if we'll do it. I feel as long as we have a paper trail we should be ok. <BR>Your thoughts??

<BR>m6,<P>I've heard of cases where sending a custodial parent extra money was simply added into the calculated amount. The presumption was that if those funds could be spared, they should go towards the child on an ongoing basis. Its cynical, but quite obviously the rule is to provide NO assistance except as ordered by the court.<P>Bystander

cd and matthew, i just want to say that i am in awe at your kindness and acceptance of the OC. your hearts are much bigger than mine. i know you will be blessed for this. it is just not a possibility for us. may god bless you and that one day the OC will know how kind you were. good luck. <P>happy_girl

CD,<BR>Thank you for writing. Many in our position cannot deal with contact, but for those that do, yours is a brave and loving stance. May I ask, have you told your sons? How, at what (approx.) ages, and how did they take it? We will always be long distance from our OC (who is also in NC), so visitation has not happened and I don't know if it ever will. We send gifts. Our kids don't know yet, on counselor's advice.<BR>God bless,<BR>Jenny

Dear Jenny,<BR>No, we have not yet told our sons. We are waiting to see how the visitation hearing plays out, although we are going through counseling now to prepare for the day when we have to tell them. I still have hope, faint as it is, that ow's boyfriend of two years will pull through and marry her and adopt oc. I still think that it would be the best solution in all of these cases, but unless that happens, us having visitation at least provides oc with one stable two parent family. My h is struggling constantly with the thought that our children, especially our oldest who has some memories of our separation, will hate him for what he did. In counseling, we are working on ways that he can learn to forgive himself first. I forgave my h long ago, but have not yet been able to forgive ow. That is what I have to work on, although at this point I would still rather vomit on her than forgive her. How gross is that?

CD,<BR>I know the bitter taste of resentment well, but I've been working on it a long time now. Letting go of it is a gift to YOURSELF! You do not have to keep hurting yourself over what she did. Research has basically proven that holding onto such feelings can actually give you cancer! Chose to LIVE! Like you, I forgave my husband but not the XOW and don't feel 100% healed... but I keep trying! I wrestle with the meaning of forgiveness regularly. I want to be FREE!! Will you join me in my quest? <P>Jenny, in recovery 2+years

Dear Jenny:<BR>I will definitely join you. you are absolutely right. I guess my biggest hold-back is that the ow continues to show absolutely no remorse and seems to take great pleasure in causing us furthur trouble. I don't really know if it would help if she said that she was sorry. She did say once that she regrets ever meeting my husband. Is that close enough? I don't know.

CD,<BR>Cyberhugs. We've all been through so much! <P>The closest our XOW ever came to remorse was to say she told her (new)pastor that she thinks God doesn't forgive things like this, but she has shown so much callous towards me. She wrote my H after he left that he could make "amends" (IN QUOTES! Like there was nothing to amend!!!) to his wife if he wanted to but he still had responsibilites to OC, etc. etc., then sent him a gift and card signed "Love, XOW and kids", wrote harrassing him for not visiting them (solo of course)... I could go on and on and on about it and I bet you could too. But to be whole we've got to somehow move on in a positive way. <P>I'm thinking of buying a book or two on forgiveness... I've got a couple titles in mind... Actually I forgot one title that has been quoted often on MB, and the other is called Calm Surrender by Nerburn. Maybe we should start a bookstudy? I don't know. Just offering my encouragement on the journey to wholeness. No need to lose to the XOW any more of my health or peace of mind!! Her remorse is not a condition of my health! I will not lower myself to her level. Good will ultimately prevail, and my actions will be positive <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited February 02, 2001).]