Hi all, I've been away from this board for a little bit. Have to take a break sometimes. I think about you all and keep you in my prayers. I've been trying to deal with something on a daily basis. My co worker who is 8 months pregnant. She's been having an affair with a married man for 6 years and is a single mother with two children. I've known about her pregnancy almost from the beginning. She's a nice person and I like her a lot. However, she told me personal stuff about her relationship that I didn't want to know about. Mainly the part about her getting pregnant on purpose for this man. She doesn't want to marry him or even for him to leave his wife. She simply wanted another child and now she's got it. I have been so uncomfortable hearing her talk openly about this relationship. I haven't asked many questions because I don't want to hear the answers. I did ask once if she felt guilty about her relationship and pregnancy for this married man and she said no. She has spoken about how "stupid and uneducated" his wife is. I cringe when I hear her talking about it. We work together every day. She's invited me to her baby shower next month. I don't know how I feel about that. I'll get her a gift like most people will do for her at work. I have never shared my personal life regarding my husband's OC with anyone from work and I don't intend to. It's not something I'm proud of and it's none of their business. I'm trying to move on with my life and my marriage. It's still a painful and embarassing subject for me. My feelings are so mixed about my co worker. She's a good person and a great mother to her children and I'm sure she'll be a good mother to this baby. But I can't help but feel the pain inside for the wife, who supposedly doesn't know. Everytime she mentions this married man I feel nauseous. I don't know if there's anything I can do. I'm just not sure about attending the shower. She'll expect me to be there. Under other circumstances I'd look forward to it. I feel so hypocritical on one hand and judgmental on the other. Any advice? Hope you all are well and healing. God bless. <P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Comfort,<P>She may be pleasant to talk to, but she's not a nice person. She has condemned 3 children to life without a father in their household. They will have less discipline, one less parent to provide a male influence and a role model for how to behave in a marriage, fewer resources, probably not be able to get as good an education as a child with a father, and totally disrespects the man's marriage and has no empathy for the "ignorant" woman who unluckily is the mother of his children.<P>I wouldn't go to this woman's shower. Nor would I give her a gift or a card. How much chutzpah do you have? Can you say in an even tone "I disapprove of what you've done, deliberately bringing a child into the world who will grow up without its father. Even though I like you personally, I can't pretend that what you are doing is okay."<P>Too nervy? Well, you have to work next to her. Decide the best thing to do. You might even hae her ask whether you're going to attend, or the person throwing the shower might ask, or they might ask if you'd like to go in on a gift for the unwed mother. I would politely decline, no excuse. <P>What a mess. <P>It wouldn't be necessary to share your personal business with her in order to state your values and your belief.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Comfort<BR>I understand exactly what you are saying. Last year i had to work closly with a co worker who enjoyed telling everyone she was the other women. This is a small town and she enjoyed telling who and how they would get together. I would turn into knots inside just listening to her.<P>Things didn't turn out the why she hope!!!!!<P>Today i had to listen to to other co workers talk about how stupdid another lady was for allowing her H to get the OW Pregnant???? This conversation really hurt but i had to smile on the outside and scream on the inside!!!!!!!<P>

comfort, that would be like a knife in my back everyday. i think i would have a really hard time being friends with someone like her. when a girl at work was having an affair and we found out about it, i felt so uncomfortable. she would expect us to lie for her, etc. finally we went to a supervisor and told her and she was told to keep her affair out of work. needless to say she quit a short time after that. but i know me, and i would make comments to her that i am sure would send her away. i have strong opinions about things and if asked, will give my opinion. <P>i just think that must be so awful to work with someone who did that. especially when she sees no wrong in what she was doing. it would make me sick, and i don't think she is nice. she could the the OW in any of our situations. i would just go crazy that is all i can say.<P>i would simply not attend. you have no obligation to get a gift or anything. just leave it at that. or be like bellevue. that takes balls though. he he.<P>take care.<P>happy_girl

If you don't want to share with ANY co-workers, I'd start thinking up an excuse for not being at the shower. I know what you mean about an XOW appearing to be a good person in other respects. It has been said that everyone takes risks in their life, just different risks for different folks. It is unfortunate you cannot broaden her perspective to how much pain she is causing others, but that is not your responsibility. I liked our XOW... she was a close friend, for pete's sake! But there is something wrong/twisted with a person's values when they behave this way purposely and have no remorse.<P>I'm sorry you have to deal with this daily--OUCH!

I wouldn't go. I would tell her you don't want to support what she has done in any way.<P>We're talking moral values here.<P>Co-workers used to invite me out to bars after work and I never went. They knew how I felt about it. I felt it was wrong.<P>One girl invited me to a hot tub party. I didn't go because I thought it was wrong to go with a mixed crowd,single people,etc.<P>Now a candle party would be different. Or heaven forbid,a tupperware party, but not a shower for a woman who is pregnant with a MARRIED man's child. It's just wrong. I wouldn't want a friend like that. Too bad if she gets angry. You do not have to be a part of her affair.<P>Ow was my friend, like in Jenny's case.<P>She would pretend to be my friend the whole time she was having my H. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.<P>I don't understand how BOTH of them were so very cruel to me....<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Comfort,<P>I understand how it would be difficult to work with someone closely who is in this situationl. But I also agree that no one should participate with someone who is in this situation. You wouldn't be friends with someone who beats their kids, or hurts people right? This is the same thing. She is hurting others and doesn't care. Maybe if you tell her, then maybe a light bulb will go off in her head. <P>I would say that you get along with her, but you can't be included in something you strongly disagree with, there is nothing wrong with that. I mean even if you weren't in your present situation, wouldn't you still disagree with her morals and lifestyle?? This isn't worth the constant pain. I understand that she seems like a nice person, but anyone who talks about how dumb another person is, his wife. And how she just wanted another kid, when she could have gone to a sperm bank instead of a married man. Than she can't be that wonderful. People might say one thing, but they live what they believe, and she has proved that in her actions. Get out of this personal torture. <P>babstr.

Dear Comfort41,<BR>You are in a very diffficult situation. But may I suggest that this may be an opportunity for you to reach out to the wife who is being cheated on? I don't mean that you should break the news to her, but I'm sure at some point the coworker will brag about how upset her mm's wife is. Seize upon that moment.<BR>When i found out that the ow was pregnant, I honestly contemplated suicide. If I had not had a son already to whom I had responsibilities, I think that I may have gone ahead and killed myself right away. But even so I struggled with the thought that I simply could not live through the anguish. The pain and grief at finding out was overwhelming. In the midst of these heartwrenching first days, one of my husband's coworkers, who was a close friend of ow, came by the house. He didn't know me - we had met only once - and he was really not much more than a boy, eighteen or so, but he knocked on the door and said, "I'm so so sorry about what's happened. I'm here to take you and your son out to lunch." How he stood to eat in public with me - my hair wasn't even combed and my face was red and horribly swollen from crying -I will never know. He didn't even say very much during the meal, except, "You know this won't last. He will get tired of her." And I never again saw him after that. I'm sure ow found out and read him the riot act. But that one act of kindness literally saved my life. Why don't you wait and BE that person for the wife in this case. When she finds out, she will be so devestated, but you can make it so that she is not alone. <BR>As for the baby shower, you have to ask yourself if you want to participate in making this experience a happy one for her. I for one, will never be an active participant in hurting a marriage, even if it is in such a passive role. "What God has joined, let no man put asunder."

Dear cdcollins:<P>What a wonderful story. That boy was an angel. He was so good, so just! It would trivialize what he did to make too many comments, his actions stand alone.<P>Taking you and your son out to lunch was an act of truest compassion. We are so loose in our talk of compassion. <P>People who would throw a baby shower for a woman who deliberately got pregnant through an act of adultery are wrong. <P>Their misplaced compassion toward the unwed mother and the fetus insults the marriage of the baby's father and insults everyone who takes marriage in ernest. <P>It celebrates the adultery, the fatherless child deliberately conceived (who ultimately will become a burden on society in one way or another, maybe by following in Momma's footsteps.)<P>She acts as if her affair is acceptable and whoever is throwing a shower for her, attending, or contributing, tells her it IS. They tell her they APPROVE. <P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

CD,<BR>I agree: what a beautiful story! Thank you again!

CD: Your testimony that Angels do walk amongst us, touched me. Thank you for warming my heart on such a cold day.<P>Comfort: This woman, this "good person", is destroying a woman's marriage, a woman's exclusivity and changing her life forever because this "good person" is so supremely selfish that she has deliberately gotten herself pregnant by a MM when she could have just as easily scoped out a single stud to perform the services. <P>I imagine this "good person" will also lean on the courts to garner significant income shares from the woman's husband causing her financial hardship as well.<P>Comfort, can you really be a part of this 'celebration' of deceit? You are in a difficult position because you work with this 'good person' and the rest of the supportive crew who probably think that this kind of behavior is acceptable these days...look at Jesse Jackson! <P>I guess I would go out of town for the weekend and tell the happy party goers that "Dam! Something came up, I'll be out of town, and I just can't make it".<P>Catnip =^^=

Thank you all so much for your advise. Cd - your story especially got to me. Thank you so much for sharing. There really are angels. I agree with everything you all have said and I know in my heart not attending is the right thing to do. I guess what's hardest for me is before I knew the man she was pregnant for was married, she and I had developed a "working friendship". I knew about her pregnancy from the beginning but she didn't tell me that the father was married until quite a bit later. I was so disappointed and I know you all can imagine how I must have felt inside. It felt like my insides dropped out to the floor. When I say we work together daily, I mean literally together. Our offices are directly across from one another. Everytime I look in her direction I can see her sitting at her desk with a hugh bulging stomach knowing she's pregnant with a married man's baby. All the other co workers are so excited about her pregnancy and they all know the man is married. No one seems to mind, except me. By the way, her sister and best friend are giving the shower. <P>Bellvue: I've thought about saying something very similar to her. I tend to "explain" too much sometimes. I'm afraid I may say too much about exactly "why" I can't condone what she's chosen. So instead I remain silent. I never ask her anything about her "relationship" with this man. I have a feeling she has sensed that I don't approve this because she has talked less and less about it to me and always cuts the conversation short. My lips may not always say what I feel, but my face and eyes do.<P>Hurting: I know how you must have felt listening to those co-workers. I would have been so hurt, too. I makes me so sick when people talk about or imply that it was the wife's "fault". I'm sorry you had to endure that, too.<P>happy_girl: It is like a knife for me. I don't think about it everyday even though I see her everyday. I really think she has realized that for whatever reason - she couldn't possibly imagine why - that I don't approve of what she's doing. She hasn't asked me. Instead she just suddenly stops talking when she notices I'm not responding and I change the subject.<P>Jenny: I've BEEN thinking of excuses! It's just a matter of which one I'm going to use I know that by my attending would be saying that I "approve" and wish you well. While I don't wish her any harm, or the baby, I cannot put myself through that. <P>Gem: How cruel. I can't even imagine a friend sleeping with my H AND still pretending to be my friend. I'm sorry you went through that. At least I didn't know the skank my H laid with!<P>babstr: You're right. I wouldn't be friends with someone who abused their kids. I sometimes feel ashamed that I like this co worker because I feel like I'm "betraying" the wife by being a friend (at least at work) with my co worker. I honestly didn't know she pregnant for mm until after we'd started working closely together. It's very hard. It's not like I can transfer to another department, or even want to. I LOVE my job. And now with another child on the way, I'm sure she'll be there for a while too. <P>CD: I'm sure the wife will find out sooner or later. All lies come to light! I don't know her and have never met the MM. I wouldn't even begin to know how to reach out to her when she does find out. I would do so if even anonoymously (sp). I hope that if God sees fit for me to reach out to her, He'll put me in a position to be there. You were blessed to have that young man come into your life, even briefly. God does send us people to do his work for Him, even if we never see them again.<P>Catnip: No. I can't in my heart and soul be a part of that "celebration of deceit". Because that's exactly what it is. I feel sick when I see her rubbing her belly all day long and talking with other co-workers about how MM is coming over to see her or deciding on names for the baby. Many times I get up and close my door. It's very hard when all the co workers stand around and feel her belly to feel the baby move. It's a weird thing. Once she and I were standing face to face talking about a work related subject. Very unexpectantly she grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach and said "See, she's moving, feel her!?" I was so surprised because she caught me totally off guard. But the weird part is that as soon as I touched her belly, the baby stopped moving. I'm convinced that my "vibes" are coming through me. No harm wished for the baby, of course. She's innocent. But don't tell me they can't "sense" things even in utero. I quickly snatched my hand away. She's always inviting me to "feel her stomach" like the other co workers, but I don't. You're right, think I'll be out of town that weekend...whatever weekend it is. <P>Thank you all! I knew all along that I couldn't go. Didn't want to go. I have to work with her, but I don't have to "celebrate" with her. I look forward to when she leaves for maternity leave. But I'm not looking forward to her return with pictures of the "little one". I just keep praying to get through this.<P>