I am a newcomer and I am not alone....which was how i was feeling. Bless LikeJob, you are speaking for me. In my case, OW's child is due in March as well. This discussion has helped me. We are now seeking legal advice so that we are prepared, but my problem at the present is that she finds him on his job to talk to him. He says he has told her to stop, but she hasn't. She also calls at our home to talk to him. I really beleive that it is over and its now is an embarassment to him, but it still hurts and worries me. We want to have a life with the child if it truely is his (there is some doubt), so we are being cautious, maybe too cautious. OW is married and her husband has filed for divorce, but it will not be finalized until the birth and father are determined. It is rumored that she has had other affairs and I know she is on public assistance right now. I didn't think I would find anyone out there that has been through this. <P>

Dear Jessie:<BR>This is absolutely important to you: I read that in your situation the ow is married. Whether or not divorce is impending, that man, her husband, is legally responsible for the child, not your h. Unless her h can prove NO ACCESS to her during this time (like if he was in another country or something) the law says that he is responsible for any child born during the marriage and those born up to ten months after the divorce is final. DO NOT allow your husband to take a DNA test or admit that the child is his until you find out if these laws hold true in your state. This may sound cold and calculating as far as the child is concerned, but I think all of us here would agree that you need to put your marriage first!<BR>As for the problem of ow contacting your h at home and at work, he should immediately enforce the "no contact" rule. If she calls, he should hang up without saying a word to her. Not one word. If she shows up in person, he should ignore her. She will get the picture sooner or later. You can only attempt to talk to somebody who refuses to speak back so long. Anything he says, even if it is, "I dont want to talk to you anymore," is seen by her as encouraging. Don't play the game with her.<BR>And no, you are definitely not alone. God help us all.

Thanks for the advice. I am worried about the future of the child. Her husband is not the most upstanding person and I have "heard" he has drug and alcohol problems. I welcome any advice I can get. The OW resides in KY. <BR> Grateful.

jessie, sorry you are in this situation. i hope that bystander will see your post soon, and give you some legal advice regarding the fact that OW is married. the husband has 2 years i think to ask for a DNA test, i don't think he is absolutely "stuck" being the legal father, and it seems like he is wanting to do a DNA test so if he is ruled out as the father, and the mother is on public assistance, then she will be asked for other possible fathers. they can then come after your husband and if he is the father, he will of course be in the child support loop soon after that. check with an attorney, and don't assume anything. if the husband had no idea and then years later found out, i think then he would be stuck with the financial obligation, but most states i think allow 2 years. bystander???<P>take care and glad you found MB. you are in a good place.<P>happy_girl

Jessie, sorry for this confusion in your life. I wouldn't wish this on my least favorite person in the world. It is hurtful to so many innocent people.<P>Please do make sure you know the law on this. Get out the law books yourself if you have to. This is the only way to make sure you are protected. If your H is truly sorry about what has happened he will make sure that he has taken all possible actions to minimize any possible further harm that might come your way. <P>A lawyer can also assist in ways to stop her from calling his work. That is harassement and is not allowed by law (in most states). I agree with CD on your H hanging up phone and not even speaking to her. Men don't realize that ANY contact is so dangerous. To them they usually don't think they have to be so drastic. But they do. My H still has contact with OW and it has definately caused us problems in recovering our relationship. <P>As far as being concerned about this child goes... you really cannot do anything at this point. At least no more than you can do for a stranger. If she is on assistance does she have other children? How does she care for them? Just presuming here that more children are involved. <P>Take care & keep writing and reading.<P>Carolyn

<BR>cdcollins,<P>There is a presumption of paternity in marriage, but this presumption is rebuttable. The husband is aware that the child may not be his, and has informed his wife he will divorce her pending a determination of paternity. The wife can either submit to a DNA test willingly or the husband will file a motion for formal denial of paternity and the court will simply order the DNA test itself. The one sentence version is that if the husband wants to stick jessie's husband with the "child support" bill, the assumed paternity laws aren't going to stop him. In fact, if the husband has no other children in the marriage, IMO he *should* divorce his wife and force her to litigate paternity elsewhere. The financial risk of staying in such a marriage is simply too great, and by the time he can make an informed decision whether to remain in the marriage, he will have forever squandered his right to rebut the notorious "presumption of paternity."<P>Bystander

Dear Bystander,<BR>In one case involving an old friend of mine: Friend was in the military stationed in WA state. his estranged w from whom he had been separated for over two years, was living in Kentucky. She had an affair, which resulted in the birth of a child, and since the om had abandoned her, she claimed that friend was the father. he went to court to try to prove no access since they had been apart for two years and since he had had no contact with her whatsoever, but courts found out that he had made one visit ot his mother in a neighboring town during the approximate time of conception (one month or so before baby was concieved) and since wife stood by her false claim of paternity, the judge refused to order a DNA test. Friend even had letters from wife confirming that om was responsible. judge would not even admit them into the proceeding. Friend will always be paying child support for om's child as well as his own previous child to her. That is where I had the idea of paternity by marriage. A question: Why don't ow ever say that the father is "unknown"? I would think that they could save themselves a lot of hassle that way. I know of a woman who was in an abusive relationship who knew full well who the father was, but declared "unknown" and is still able to get public assistance, so I know that can't be stopping them. If it were me, and I was carrying a mm's child, I would certainly say I didn't know who the father was.

Bystander,<P>I know that this is Jessie's thread, but I have a question about the "2 yr. cut off". To quickly update you, my H is Sailorman59, and I am expecting OM child in about 7 weeks. My H and I are working our marriage out, and love eachother with all our hearts. My H is willing to claim this child as his own, and as far as we know, OM does not know about my pregnancy. If OM finds out, but after that "2 yr" point, can he try to have any claim after that? Just something that has been on my mind as the due date gets closer.<P>Thank you Jessie, for letting me use your thread for my own question. I hope that things start looking up for you and your H in this situation. Maybe your H could look into filing a harrassment charge if she won't leave him alone. We had to do that with our OM right after D-Day. Or look into getting a restraining order due to the harrasment.<P>Thanks again,<P>Tigger

<BR>cdcollins,<P>I would have to see the details of the Kentucky court decision to make an informed statement about what happened there. States vary in the amount of time they allow to rebut paternity, and my offhand guess is that the court decided your friend knew of the child and did not act in a timely manner to rebut the presumption. This simply would not apply in jessie's situation - the husband will be ready to slap a motion for formal denial of paternity on the mother's lap almost immediately after the birth.<P>At a minimum, the system needs to extend the period of rebuttal in cases where a man is deceived about paternity by the mother and only learns he's being cuckolded once the rebuttal period has expired. There is such a case in Massachusetts being heard next Monday morning. In this case, the daughter has apparently even taken to calling the cuckolded man her "fake daddy." So much for the "stability" rationale for such laws...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/028/metro/7_years_of_child_support_later_+.shtml" TARGET=_blank>http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/028/metro/7_years_of_child_support_later_+.shtml</A> <P>As far as listing father's as "unknown," I've heard they can reduce benefits in such cases. At a minimum, it would certainly make the mother look indiscriminate in selecting sexual partners.<P>Bystander

<BR>Tigger,<P>Remember, I'm not a lawyer, and you should see one for specific questions about your state's laws. But my understanding is that the expiration of the rebuttal period effectively closes any option the OM has to litigate paternity.<P>Bystander

CD, I think in most of these ow cases the reason they wouldnt put father unknown is because it would defeat what they were intending to do all along which was to steal our H. Here in MI if they refuse to name father they get no free ride. Hi Jessie sorry you have to be here good luck with love flowerseed