Hey Everyone,<BR> It has been a long time since I posted on the forum, but have been keeping up with reading all your posts. But I felt like I had to vent some of my own so here goes.<BR>My H OC is 2 years old and H has only seen her approximately 3 times that I know of. Out of the blue last week H stated he wanted to go on a visitation because he felt like he should. He went through our third party, but have the third party accompany him to the OW house to see the child. I was furious! He hasn't said anything about wanting to see this child for the last year, then boom, "I feel like I need to see the child". I reminded him that he was not to have any contact with the OW, and he stated that he wanted to stay "amicable" with her for the child's sake! What a crock as far as I am concerned! He denies having any feelings for the OW and he never says anything derogatory about her. DOes he think she is better than me? Her older girls are all straight "A" students as ours are stuggling to keep up and are all in college so on... I asked him how he knew thia child was his and he said he just knows it is. I am so angry!!! I don't know how to deal with all of this anger and wanting to cry all the time. It has been 2 1/2 years since I found out and it feels the same and when I first found out. How do you all handle your H wanting to see the child and even wanting to involve the child in your families lives? I really could do with some advice, before I blow off the handle and do something really stupid!

Nurse:<P>You said you're back...what handle did you use before?<P>It sounds as though there has been a lack of communication between you and your husband. Has he given you any indication that he has felt a pull to see OC before now? Does it seem like he is doing this in spite of your feelings without taking them into consideration?<P>The thing I would do if it were me would to insist on a Retrouvaille weekend where the two of you could spend 48 hours of intense dialogue about what you think, how you feel, listening and empathizing with each other and goig through the program to reconnect and recommit to each other. Another alternative is crash counseling...find a good marriage counselor fast to get in and address these issues immediately.<P>Either of these sources would help your husband figure out why he suddenly has the need to see OC and help you come to terms with this new developement. I can tell you see this as a threat to your marriage, not so much because of OC but because of OW, which is why most of us here who have a lot of heartburn over involvement.<P>It all goes back to Harley's principles. Unless both people adhere to the Rules of Honesty and Protection and incorporate a Policy of Joint Agreement into their marriage, there will be resentment and restoration will be retarded. If you have Harley's books, reread them and have your husband do so. If he refuses, print up the principles and rules on the MB site and have him at least read those.<P>This is something I dread in my own marriage and this is what I would do if it happened to me. If my husband refused to cooperate, it would show me that I wasn't cherished enough to stay in the marriage and probably make other arrangements at this point. Who knows? This is from the woman who admantly declared that if her husband ever cheated on her, she'd be gone in a heartbeat...not only did I eat those words, but it was far worse than an affair...this one included an OC. Nothing, nothing could be worse. Your husband has to understand the horror of this for you. It is the worst possible thing that can happen to a woman, barring a child's death or terminal cancer. Definitely in the top three. Perhaps when your husband understands the profound trauma of his actions and the fear you feel because of it, he may reconsider seeing the OC without consulting you first or see a counselor or go to Retrouvaille in an attempt to help you through this.<P>Catnip =^^= Good luck

I agree with Catnip. Your H and you have to be a team. If he expects you to listen to his feelings he can't make demands, and switch mid stream without telling you what is really going on in his heart and mind. <P>Try to do one of the suggestions that Catnip suggested. Get some help. If your H values you he will listen to your side and get some help for you two to do this together. Your in my prayers. <P>babstr.

hi nurse. i agree with babstr and catnip. there totally needs to be complete agreement on how and through who your husband sees the OC. he should have NO contact with the OW. period...end of story. tell him i said that. anyway, you are the person he needs to show respect to. you are the wife who stayed and loved him despite what he did to you, what you will have to live with forever.<P>i really think you must have a serious talk to your husband. what he is doing is unfair. retrouvaille would be good start. haven't been there, but am looking forward to going to marriage encounter weekend sometime soon. be strong and don't back down. tell your husband how you are hurting. that he needs to do things in a way that is respectful to you and your marriage. i really feel for you and will keep you in my prayers.<P>happy_girl

Nurse,<BR>Sorry for this continuation of the pain. I don't have much to say except that I wish we BS' could somehow give our WS' a taste of the incredible pain this causes us. I don't think they would ever stray again and would love us so much for staying with their sorry a$$'!! Does the OW live near you? I don't want to start you thinking bad things, but do you suspect your H of rekindling the A? It just seems really strange that after a year he would suddenly want to see OC. I agree with the 3 muskateers above, get in counceling ASAP and see what is going on inside your H's head.<BR>Floored

Hi nurse,<P>There is little I can add to the good advice you have already received, except to agree with these responses and emphasize the importance of dealing with it RIGHT NOW. I do not believe that your H has given you the "whole story." That does not mean that I think he has rekindled the A or is considering doing so. But it is very unlikely that after all this time he suddenly has this overwhelming urge to play daddy. He has to have had some thoughts about the situation in recent weeks/months, and he obviously hasn't shared these thoughts with you. Maybe he simply wants to protect you from further hurt. Who knows? But you MUST find out the larger picture before things go any further. <P>love, anniem

nurse, . Is it possible that ow is threatening him about child support? What was the reasons in the past that he seen oc? I wondering if when these kids start getting to a age where it starts getting harder to raise them if these ow start complaining and thinking they need help. I think they are going to find it especialy hard the ones that have boys. I dont know without knowing more about your situation its just guessing. What does he say his reasons are for wanting to see oc all the sudden? sorry you have to be dealing with this hope we hear from you more so we can try to help you. with love flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited February 03, 2001).]

I want to thank you all for your advice. We are trying to buy a house and I guess my H wants to prevent the OW from taking him to court for support. Or at least that was the excuse he gave to me. He just doesn't seem to understand the importance of the no contact rule. No matter what I say about how it hurts and worries me that they will be seeing and talking. That the spark could be rekindled. Maybe H thinks he can handle it now. Yeah right, like he handled it the first time when the affair took place. He seems to still totally trust this person and whatever she tells him he believes and at times even seems to think I lie about things about the OW. I wasn't the one who cheated and lied. They were, he seems to forget that all the time. How do you all handle the constant job of trying to control the crying and anger? Any little things sets me off anymore. I am really trying to control it all and have discussions with him about OC and OW but inside I just want to rip his and her head off!!!!!!!!I seem to be the only one suffering still from all of this. They both seem to have gone on with their lives as though they have gotten away with what they did and the "blessing" that was given to them because of the affair. It just makes me sick. H even told me that if anything were to happen to OW he would want to raise the OC< over my dead body. Sorry, but I want nothing to do with OC! All it does is remind me of what happened and that my life was ripped to shredds but the one person I thought could never hurt me like that. Sorry to raddle on, but I really have no one else I can talk this out with. Everyone here seems to think I should have moved on with all this and be accepting of the OC. Well it hasn't happened yet. Will it ever?

nurse, all the feelings you have are completely normal. if my husband ever referred to the OC as a "blessing" from their affair, i think i would be sick. that is sickening. i don't think that i could ever accept the OC either. my husband doesn't want to have any contact either, and he has said he would rather she be with the OW's family were something to happen to her. i don't think even then i could the OC because we would still have to be involved with OW's family, etc. <P>honestly i think you have a hard road ahead of you. your husband is not seeing that contact with the OW is hurting you. and that will make it an uphill battle. i don't know your husband of course, but to me he is being disrespectful to you and your marriage. he needs to put you first.<P>good luck. and i really don't know when it ends, with the feelings about the OC that is.<P>my prayers for you...<P>happy_girl