I RECENTLY FOUND THIS WEB SITE AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I HAVE. I'M NOT GLAD THAT THERE ARE OTHERS IN MY SITUATION BUT IT DOES HELP TO "FINALLY" HAVE SOMEONE THAT TRUELY UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL. ALITTLE OVER 2 YRS AGO MY H HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A "FRIEND" OF THE FAMILY. THIS AFFAIR RESULTED IN A S BEING BORN. MY H AND I HAVE 2 D, 1-11 AND 1-5. I FOUND OUT ON MOTHER'S DAY 2 YRS AGO. I TOLD MY H THAT HE WOULD BE THE ONE TO TELL THE G ABOUT THE OW AND THE OC. HE TOOK OUR 11 FISHING AS THEY SOMETIMES DO, AND TOLD HER WHILE THEY WERE ALONE TOGETHER. AFTER TELLING HER HE CALLED THE OC GP WHO HAVE BEEN RAISING THE OC BECAUSE THE OW IS TO SORRY TO TAKE CARE OF HIM HERSELF. SHE HAD RATHER BE RIDING THE ROADS OR HANGING AROUNG FRIEND DRINKING AND "PARTYING". SHE ALSO LIVES AT THE GP HOUSE. BEFORE GOING THERE HE WANTED TO MAKE SURE SHE WASN'T THERE, WHICH SHE WASN'T. WHEN THEY RETURNED FROM THEIR VISIT WE BOTH SAT DOWN WITH HER AND ASKED HER IF SHE HAD ANY QUESTIONS. WE TOLD HER SHE COULD ASK OR TELL US ANYTHING BECAUSE WE WERE GOING TO ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER. THE ONLY THING SHE ASKED WAS "ARE YOU AND DADDY GETTING A DIVORCE?" WE BOTH ANSWERED NO AT THE SAME TIME. H HAS TOLD ME THAT HE KNOWS HE HAS DONE THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL BUT THAT HE HAS REALIZED THAT HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO MAKE OUR MARIIAGE WORK. IT HAS BEEN VERY HARD FOR ME. H HAS GONE TO COURT IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS AND HAD CS AND V SET. HE HAS TOLD OW SEVERAL TIMES THAT HE DOEN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO WITH HER UNLESS IT CONCERNS THE OC. SHE HAS BEEN CALLING HIM AT W AND H WITH ALL KIND OF STUPID MADE UP CRAP TO TALK TO HIM. FINALLY H HAS SAID ENOUGH!! H WANTS HER TO LEAVE HIM ALONE FINALLY! WE HAVE TALKED TO OUR LAWYER AND HE SAID FOR US TO TELL OW IF SHE DOES NOT STOP WE WILL TAKE LEGAL ACTION AGAINST HER. AS FOR THE OC HER PARENTS ARE THERE WITH HIM AND HAVE BEEN REALLY GREAT THROUGH ALL OF THIS. H HAS TOLD THEM FROM NOW ON IF THERE ARE ANY PROBLEMS WITH THE OC THEY CAN CALL DAY OR NIGHT BUT THE OW IS NOT TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WIH US WHAT SO EVER. I AM TRYING TO HANG IN HERE AND BELIEVE IN MY H AGAIN BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY LIES THAT I DO NOT KNOW IF THAT IS POSSIBLE. H UNDERSTAND AND IS WILLING TO GIVE ME THE TIME I NEED AND SAYS IF IT IS THE LAST THING HE DOES HE WILL REGAIN MY LONE AND TRUST AGAIN. NOT HTAT I DO NOT LOVE IM BUT ALOT OF THE LOVE HAS BEEN, I QUESS DESTROYED MAYBE IS THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR. WH HAS PLANNED Q QUIET GET AWAY FOR THE 2 OF US THIS WEEKEND. I HOPE THAT I CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS FOR AWHILE. MY BIGGEST PROBLEM NOW IS HAS HE FINALLY GOTTEN OVER OW OR IS THIS JUST ANOTHER BIG ENORMOUS LIE?? HE SEEMS TO BE SINCERE AND WILLING TO HANG IN HERE AND MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK BUT I'M SO AFFRAID I'M SETTING MYSELF UP FOR A HUGE FALL BUT THEN AGAIN I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BELIEVE IN HIM AGAIN. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF I'VE GOT TO START SOMEWHERE IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO GET THROUGHT THIS AND MOVE ON WIT OUR LIVES AND MARRIAGE. NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE V FROM THE OC EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. I HAVE NEVER TOLD H THAT HE COULD NOT SEE OR SUPPORT OC, AFTER ALL IT IS HIS CHILD AND OC CAN NOT HELP THE CIRCUMSTANCES HE WAS BORN INTO, LIKE I CAN'T HELP THE CIRCUMSTANCES I HAVE BEEN PUT IN. OC IS ALSO THE SIBLING TO OUR 2 G'S AND THEY DESERVE TO KNOW EACH OTHER. I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE ALL OF THIS. SORRY MY LETTER HAS BEEN SO LONG. IT REALLY FEELS GOOD TO FINALLY TALK TO SOMEONE WHO TRUELY UNDERSTANDS SO I QUESS I JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND SUPPORT. MY WILL ALSO BE WITH ALL OF YOU AND MAYBE TOGETHER WE CAN ALL MAKE SOME KIND OF PEACE WITH ALL OF THIS AND MAKE ATRONGER PEOPLE OF OURSELVES AND OUR MARRIAGES. AGAIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!

hello lost, I know what you mean about finding someone to deal with this with there are alot of wonderful people here that will help you out. So sorry that you have to be going thru this . I really dont think I would have made without all the help I have recieved here. I hope you have good time on your trip sounds like fun. I went to my first auction this last weekend oh my what a blast the 1st time in almost two years that a went a whole 4 hours and never one time thought of this awful mess. I think I am getting there.Take care with love flowerseed

welcome lost. sorry that you are in this situation. but this forum is wonderful. i have learned so many things and don't feel alone anymore. i don't know what to say except that i admire your attitude about the OC.<P><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

sometimes i'm not too sure about my feelings toward oc. i do know from what o have heard and know to be true myself ow is only using oc to try to control my h. i quess she thought that h would just up and leave me but he has told her that it's nit happening. infact he told her on the phone with me thre listening. i know she was on the line because as when he told her she started raising h--- and telling h that he would not bring oc anywhere near me but h could bring our 2 g's up there to see oc anytime. she said "i love those 2 g's and would never do anything to hurt them. when she said that i hit the roof. i told her, in no uncertain terms that if she had given a d about the g's she would have never!!! laid down with their daddy. now that we have the cs and v legal she can not tell h where he can or can't take oc but that i d well could say where my 2 g's go and who they see. h understands and supports my decision and has told ow that he will not bring them to see oc when she is around. i have told h under no circumstanes is he to take them around ow and if he does he knows there will be h--- to pay. 11yr. knows how i feel about ow and she kows ow and before all this really liked ow but know she has seen ow in a new light and doesn't care to be around her and will tell me if she comes around her. she's not scared of ow but knows ow has caused alot of problems for h and i. i have told 11 if she is there visiting w oc with h and ow shows up to tell h to bring her home or call me and i will come get her. h hasn't been v like before since he told her to leave us the h--- alone and our lawyer called ow and told her if she didn't that there would be legal action taken against her. i still feel that oc is not to be shunned from me and g's because of the way he was concieved. i look at oc like i do myself, we were both put in the middle of someething we had no control of and i feel like i am trying my best to make the best of a really "messed up",putting it politely,situation that i can without hurting oc and myself and my g's. he has a mother that is never around, every child deserves a m and d that are there to care for them and take care of them. my h may not be there full time but we do keep in touch w/gp's, who have been a god send through all of this. ow gets oc up takes him to dc,picks him up at 5:30, takes him home at qp's where they live,feeds him, bathes him puts him in bed @ 8:00 and hits the streets. comes back home @5:00 gets him up and starts all over. h says that when he visits if ow comes in oc will not even go to her. oc will run to gm and h. ow will try to take im and oc will cry. so if i can be strong enough and be someone he can depend on then that will be one good thing to come from this h--- that i am going through. i only hope that h and i can be dtrong enough to get through this and make it work. i am really trying!!!

Lost,<BR>It is YOU who are a Godsend in this mess! Bless you and may your rewards be great! Your feelings are normal and I'm impressed with how well your whole family is doing! After 2 years on this MB boards and going through it myself, I feel like I know a little on the topic; thussaid, I think you are handling the situation in 100% the best way you could. The XOW should be turned in for childneglect! But as you say the grandparents apparently care for the boy and hopefully he's got love and stability there. Your boundaries (no contact w/XOW) are GREAT! No one should have to deal with this pain but honey, yours is a SUCCESS story! Go celebrate yourself and a great weekend with your H!<P>Best Wishes,<BR>Jenny

Dear Lost24,<BR>I am both glad you are here and sorry that you have to be in this situation. I know what you mean about being relieved to finally just talk about it with people who know. I've only been here 2 weeks or so myself. It sounds like you are handling the idea of the oc very well - much better than I am yet, although I am working on it. Can I ask why you and h don't try to get full custody? It sounds to me like you would be willing to accept oc into your lives, and even though gp are there, that's no substitute for a mom and dad together. I do the same thing with the phone stuff. When h has to talk to xow, I am always on the phone too and she knows it. During times when it's not necessary for h to be the one talking to her, I'm the one who calls or does the talking. This is all on the advice of our lawyer, who says it is safer for my husband to have me at least listening so that ow cannot tell any more lies about him. Could you write more about how your 5 year old is coping? Enjoy your weekend!<BR>-cd

dear jenny, thanks for your best wishes. i don't feel as if i am the godsend but a woman who is determined not to let go of her marriage or her h without a d good fight. i have devoted 18 1/2 yrs to this man and refuse to go down without a h--- of a fight. i think that i owe it to myself and g's. my p have not been supportive of my decisions and this has cause alot of conflict between us. me and my m have always! been very very close and now it is hard to be around them. especially my d. he will not except the decision that i have made and keeps throwing it in my face when i go over. we live next to them on their property and they have made it very clear that they do not want oc here. we can not afford to move now but it looks like we may have to. my m has finally excepted that i am grown and have to make my own decisions and chooices, she doesn't like them or agree w/them but atleast she is trying not to let it come between us more thatn it has. as far as my h she wants nothing to do with him at all. h understands but is upset at the way m and d are treating me. hopefully with time things will get better but doubtful they are pretty set in their ways when it comes to me and we both understand. cd collins, we have not told 5, yet. we plan on telling her after we get back. i think she will do fine though, she has been telling me for a long time that she wants me to have a little b, even before all of this came about. since i found out though, whenever she says it i can't help but get a cold chill and feel the blood drain from my face. we have also discussed c of oc and lawyer says that have a chance because of her history and the way she leaves him. even though she leaves him w her p, they still consider that unfit or something, not sure what the legal term is. xow had a bf at onetime and had started taking oc to his house overnight and lawyer said if that kept up she would be cosidered unfit. eow has broken up with bf and the phone calls and the riding by the house have started again that is why we had the lawyer to call her and tell her to stop or we would file legal chrgs. things have slowed down but not completely stopped. as long as she has the om things go fine. soon as they have problems, so do we. h said that at one time he thought that he did want to be with ow but has realized it's all a game to her. h said as long as things w/om are going good she's ok but as soon as problems she goes to bothering him and wanting to know his where abouts and if they can work things out. h ahs told he how he feels and that he will never find or have with her what we have. he told her that he's tired of feeling like a yo-yo with her and i have always been there for him and he can not and does not want to lose that. he has said this before so i don't know if he's really ready to let go but there was something differeent this time. he drives a truck and is gone 1-2days at a time. when he came home this past friday he said that he neede some time to sort through his feelings for ow and i told him that i have never tiold him he had to stay that he could leave at anytime. he left that night and called atleast 5-6 times and told me that he loved me and that he was sorry or all the pain he was and had put me through and that he was tired of hurting me. i told him i understood and that i wanted and needed him to be sure of his feelings. i'm tired of not knowing and i'm ready to move forward with or without him. he came by sat. and spent the day w/g's and got very upset when he left that night. he called 3 times that night. sun. he came over and we all went shopping and spent the day together. he got several calls form ow on cp but would not answer, finally he got tired of it and answered. she asked when was he coming to see his "gd son"? he told her he didn't have a "gd son" that he was come see his s mon. while she was @ wk because he did not want to be around her. i could hear her screaming @ him on the other end. he just hung up looked @ me and appologized and said see what i mean the b is psychotic. i told him he could take us home and go see oc and he said that it was our day and he was where he wanted to be. when we got home i put the g's to bed and we sat down and talked. he took me by surprise though. he looked @ me and said "i told you no more lies and i need to tell you something but i don't want you to get p or get upset when i tell you this". i'm thinking here it goes he's decided to leave and go back to ow. he told me that he had rented a trailor back several months ago when he thought he really did want to be w/ow. he had stayed there fri. and sat. w/o ow and had done some serious sole searching and said that it was the hadest thing forhim to do. he said he wanted to come ack homw so bad but knew he needed to decide once and for all how he felt. he said he has finally realized that he will neverhave what he has with me or ever find the kind if love that we have with anyone else, it has take him a while to find this out but he really wants to be here w/me and stop the lies and gain my trust again and see me look at him the way i used to. he says i look @ him different and he understands why but he really misses that look. he wants to see me happy again and not miserable like i have been for a long time now. like i said earlier i have heard it before but not all of and he never looked @ me the way he did that night. maybe he has finally come to terms w/ow and his feelings, all i know is that no matter what i still love him and i'm willing to keep fighting. i told him that if this was what he wanted he would have to be the one to fight for it and it was going to be a long hard road ahead. i told him that i'm not able to take anymore of this not knowing and not trusting. he says he understands and he's going to show me that he can be that husband i deserve and need. who knows what's going to happen. i just eep telling myself to take it oneday @ a time and hold on to the love that i have for him and hopefully he means what he has said this time. sorry this was so long. i get on here w/all of you and it's like i get lost in the keyboard and all these feelings and words just come pouring out. i really mean it when i say that all of you have been a go send for me. i feel like there is hopr now. i had come to the point a point to where i didn't know which way to go or if i wanted to keep fighting but all of you have given me the strength and will to keep going. thank you all so very much!!!<P>------------------<BR>lost24

Dear Lost24,<BR>i am so sorry that you are still at the point where h is wavering back and forth. I remember that time so very clearly. It was so horrible. You should know that the ow is like an addiction of sorts to them, but I think that once they get out of that trap, they finally do see things more clearly. In my case, my h came home for good on October 30, 1996. I thought at that time that he had definitely made up his mind after going back and forth so many times. Then, two whole years later, I am looking over the cs papers and find copies of loveletters he mailed to her dated september 1st, 1996. That was incredibly hard to bear, just knowing that even after I thought that it was over it kept going for even a couple days longer. The good news is that now he is honestly sickened and disgusted that he ever had any relations with her at all. here, almost four years later, he is able to see what a cheap whore she is and is so ashamed of himself for falling into that trap. he says that now he just feels so d stupid for all of it, and wrestles a lot with the guilt and remorse. I think that once you get past this stage, your h will probably feel the same way. As for the situation with your parents, I completely understand. At first, my m and d could not understand why I didn't just leave. They have come to understand, however, because my h has stuck with it and proved himself in so many ways. He knew that he would have to work just as hard to win back their approval as he did mine. Now they love him and care for him more than ever before. My Dad even bought him a truck a couple of weeks ago. So it will work out. One peice of advice: Dont get to obsessing over whether or not h would be with you if the ow had treated him better (not made him feel like a yoyo) I used to wonder all the time if it was really my h who dumped ow, or if ow was the one who dumped him. Now I can see that it doesn't really matter. He is so far removed from anything he ever felt for her that it's almost as if he never had feelings to begin with. And don't ever apologize for writing too much. Just as writing here is like a balm for your soul, so is just reading what others wrote. I know that I am grateful for everything that is written. The more I read, the more I come to terms with my own situation. <BR>-cd

Lost 24<P>You're a remarkable person.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dear Lost,<P>I too am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to our bb. I discovered my husband had an affair resulting in a eight month old girl this past December (two days after my birthday). <P>While the entire process has been devastating emtionally. I can now honestly say my marriage is better because of it. My husband and I had a lot of unaddressed issues. Many of which led to his affair. Now that we are able to talk to one another about our feelings and emotions we have become closer. The trauma has done us both good as individuals. I started looking at myself a little more critically and am working on my self esteem, my purpose in life (which i just discovered isn't JUST to be a mother and wife), and what I need to do to be the best I can be. My husband has been doing the same and has discovered much about what makes him tick as well. <P>Granted it's only been a short time. But I can honestly say, we've never been closer and more honest than we are right now.<P>A lot of what has happened good in our lives since d-day is because I made up in my mind that I was going to fight for the man I loved. I know I love him with all my heart and that somehow I would have to dig deep deep inside to forgive him and allow myself to trust my heart with him. While at the same time I realize that IF he ever betrays me again I will committ to walk away from that love.<P>I can only hope that you can give in and let yourself love again. I asked my husband if he was willing to accept the responsibility as the keeper of my heart. He said yes and would fight to the death to protect it.<P>As for your parents. I can truely relate. My mother is very upset. She is still bitter and holds onto the aweful way my father treated, cheated, and mentally abused her while abusing alcohol and drugs. She constantly compares my husband to him. I don't know if she will ever forgive or accept him. I've tried to shut her down whenever she goes off on a rant about him. Sometimes it works... sometimes it doesn't. But I always end with ... mom I love you and I love my husband. <P>Best of luck. Enjoy your weekend. We are planning our getaway to Biloxi in a couple of months (thank god for tax refunds). Continue to visit our site, it's a great place for sholders and support.<P>Zebra Baby