Dear Anniem,<BR>Although we have not had long term visitaion with ow, due to a now reneged upon agreement, we are refinling for v and/or c of the oc. We have been in this mess now for going on 4 years. I used to be infear constantly that just seeing ow would rekindle my h's interest and that once again I would get hurt. But now I realize something. These affairs, which are based on selfish desires and lies, are in no way real romances. What the ws falls for is not the ow herself, but the intrigue and drama of the situation itself. During the affair, I don't think that the ws ever really loves the ow, they just get fascinated with a concept of the ow that they have created in their own minds. They turn the ow into some kind of fantasy person, all the time being blind to the ow's real attributes. For us it was almost like my h was under some sort of long-term hypnosis that he just could not be awakened from. But now that he is and has been for some time removed from it, he is able to see clearly again, and he sees the ow for what she really is. The ow in our case really is not attractive in any way, although I'm sure at the time he thought she was beautiful. And where he thought he saw goodness and kindness there was truthfully only selfishness and greed. but what he was seeing then and what was reality are so very different. He now says that the thought of there being a time when he was even touching her, much less other stuff, literally makes him want to vomit. And I can see the disgust in his eyes, not only at her but also at his past actions, so I know that this is true. Even our lawyer has said, "What the h was the attraction there? Are you stupid or just f'ing blind?" Not that I am any kind of beauty queen, but I think in all ways I present to be way more pretty and lovable than she ever will. And even if she had more physical beauty, the inner ugliness would showw through. You have to believe in the fact that what your h thought he saw in her was never more than an illusion. It's the same thing as a teenage crush. When I think back on some of the people I had crushes on, i can't even beleive that I ever wasted time thinking about them. <P>As for picking up/dropping off oc, couldn't you maybe do it alone. I know how terribly painful it would be, but I think that the peace of mind might be worth it. You just have to be very careful not to get emotional and stoop to ow's level at those times. After we have established the initial contact in which we will probably see oc in ow's presence, I will definitely be the one doing the pickup and dropoff. And there is the extra added bonus of knowing that I will continue to be a thorn in ow's side. In order to do it though, I will just make-believe that I'm talking to a stranger everytime. That way I will give her just the politeness necessary in any public situation, just the same as I would to a passing stranger on the street.<P>I, too, would like to hear about people who have had long-term visitation. The fear of the unknown is about the worst fear of all, so just knowing other's ecxperiences would help me to imagine what I might expect.<BR>-cd
