H has admitted to yet more lies. A couple of weeks ago, H was trying to convince me that I would get over hurt, it would get easier in time, etc.<P>Then, rather abruptly, H seems to have changed his mind. Yesterday, H told me that sometimes he thinks he should be with OW for child's sake and other times he can't stand to be with her. Keep in mind, baby is due in mid-March and H does not know for sure if baby is even his. H told me he wanted to stay away from me until baby was born because that might make his decisions easier. I just don't understand the sudden change in his attitude. After telling me all this, then H told me that he can't tell me what to do, that I have to make that decision, but he wants me to wait for him!<P>I had first counseling session with Harley last night and she said it is time for Plan B, but H is already in Plan B. Sometimes I think I am crazy to wait for H. Harley said that she would give Plan B at least 6 months because OW lived with H very briefly and he kicked her out because her 4 kids drove him crazy. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Dear dolphin,<BR>I am so sorry to hear that your h is being such a total jerk. What he is doing though is not really being in plan b. He is just trying to keep all his options open. On one hand, he wants you to wait for him in case he decides that he wants you. He wants to keep having your love and support. On the other hand, he wants to keep things open with ow by showing her that he is not with you. What he is doing is not plan b, it is playing games. and very cruel and self-serving games. The way i understand it, Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to have the ability to call some shots. Yes, you do take a really big risk, but the goal is for h to see and experience what exactly he would be losing by losing you. it is also to stop you from experiencing the continual heartache of not having any control whatsoever. I was very fortunate in that my plan b (although I didn't know it was plan b then, it was just what I saw as the last resort) lasted really only three days. Without me talking to my h daily and promising my everlasting love and support, it took away his one real lifeline and he was forced to realize what a sad and unstable situation he had gotten himself into. Although I have to tell you that cutting off all contact with my h, whom I loved very dearly, was terrifying and painful beyond belief, there was also some small measure of relief in knowing that for JUST ONCE I was the one making a decision. I have read that the Harley's reccomend anti-depressants during this time. By all means, get some. It is so important to your well-being that you be able to function above and beyond your emotions during this time. I don't know if this was helpful toyou at all, but please know that you are in my prayers.<BR>-cd

cdcollins,<P>Thank you for your insight and support. I am preparing Plan B letter now. It just hurts so much to think that he still is considering being with OW. He told me terrible things about her. Thanks again for your advice.

Dolphin, <P>Hadn't you posted a couple weeks ago that the doctors had to take the baby due to OW health problems? Has your H admitted to lying about that? I agree with CD, that your H is not in Plan B already. If Jen is telling you that you should Plan B, then that is what you should do. It has worked for many people on this board, and there are a couple who are in it right now, like Floored. But, if you do Plan B, stick to it, and don't give in. Just the fact that your H has admitted to lying would make me nervous about anything he would tell you about this OW and OC at this point. Is your H in any kind of counseling? Just some thoughts that hit me when I read your latest posts.<P>Tigger

dolphin,<P>What is going on? So the baby didn't die? I too am confused. I know you mentioned in your past post how sick that would be to make up, so now I want to know if he did make it up?? <P>You need to do Plan B. I am all for trying to make your marriage work, if both parties want it to work. Waiting for a man who is having his cake and eating it too, is not working on the marriage. He wants to make sure that you don't meet someone else or get on with your life. I know this is painful, and it is hard on you. But you don't want to wait for someone who treating you like this. If he made that up about the baby dying that is a pretty low thing to do. It sounds like another way to keep you around. <P>I just get upset when I hear how some of these spouses treat people. All you want is his love, and he is taking advantage of that. Be strong, come here and talk, and write the Plan B letter. Go out try to have fun, get together with some friends. If he thinks you are just sitting at home waiting for him nothing will change. If he sees that you can go on with out him, he might get his butt in gear. You are in my prayers.<P>babstr.

Tigger,<P>In response to your question, H did admit to lying about baby dying. I agree that is a sick thing to say if it is not true. I do have reservations about believing anything that H tells me. Sometimes, I wonder whether OW is or ever was pregnant! Also, H is not in counseling. I am just so upset right now because H is spending alot of time with OW and is avoiding me. H never really avoided me before. So, now I am afraid that H has chosen OW over me. Anyway, thank you for your advice and support. <p>[This message has been edited by dolphin (edited February 06, 2001).]

Babstr,<P>Thank you for all your support. I am planning to stick to Plan B. I am going to have Jen look over the letter before I send it to him. In the meantime, I will try to have fun, but it is so difficult because it hurts so much knowing that H has feelings for OW. I greatly appreciate you keeping me in your prayers.

dolphin,<BR>You are putting up with too much crap from your H. I know how painful this is and that is why I am in Plan B right now. I used several examples to write my Plan B and then had people here critique it. Look on Dec.15,2000 for my letter and then hopefully you can revise it to your situation. Your H is NOT in Plan B for sure, he is still getting his needs met by both of you, and if this continues, you will lose your love for him. This is the main reason for going into Plan B right now. It seems like an exciting time, not getting hurt by H and not seeing H pining away for OW, but while you are not meeting H's needs, he's not meeting yours either. I didn't realize that until after a few days, but I got over it. You will have a rough couple of weeks, but stay strong and remember that you are not doing this to punish your H, you are trying to save whatever love is left in case he pulls his head out and realizes what he is throwing away. Once he does get his head on straight you will still have something left to work with. If you allow him to keep doing what he is doing, reconciliation will be a less likely scenario. When was your D-day? I see that you just joined in MB in late December, so if you are still in the early stages of this A, then you are still riding the emotional roller coaster with incredible lows and small swells of good. Don't feel embarassed at all to post every day..I know that I check this board every day and get a lot from it. No one knows what you are going through but someone who has been through it themselves. So, gain knowledge from it and ask all questions..chances are that one of us has experienced similar emotions.<BR>Floored

dolphin,<P>you aren't going crazy, your husband is. he needs to stop lying. i can deal with just about anything, but lies bother me, A LOT. the truth is always better than a lie no matter how much it hurts. i don't think i could deal with having someone constantly lie to me. your husband is playing games dolphin, i hate to say that, but it is what i get from the whole situation. if you think your marriage is worth saving, then do plan B. he can't have both you and the OW, and if he sees you aren't going to be there at his beck and call, then he might decide to shape up. i am sorry he is being a jerk, i don't know where some of these people come from. it amazes me. my prayers for you.<P>happy_girl

floored,<P>First D-day was in April when H admitted to emotional affair. In July, H admitted to physical affair and in November, I found out that OW was pregnant. It seems like just when I was starting to recover, then I was blindsided again with painful news.<P>Anyway, I appreciate your support and I will be sure to look at your Plan B letter and use it to help draft my own. Thanks so much for all your moral support.

happy_girl,<P>I agree with you completely. I cannot stand all these lies. Although I want to save my marriage, sometimes I wonder whether I will be able to get over all of H's lies. I never in a million years imagined that he was capable of this. He used to be a sweet and compassionate individual. Now, because of all the lies, I feel like he is a stranger! Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I just keep praying that the OC is not H's baby. I guess I will know in a month or so.