Hello everyone,<P>I am feeling so horrible these days and fighting it every inch of the way. I tried to explain to my mom that I feel like I'm just full of all this mushy emotion and anxiety but yet totally empty and void of feeling when it comes to my H. I try to keep this inside but have to let some of it out.<P>This is the dreaded month that the OW should be due if she ever was pregnant and if she still is, but of course we still know nothing and it seems to be running my life. I obsess over what could be happening and what might happen.<P>I look at my H every night and try to get back even the feelings (desparate love and wanting to save us)I had at the onset of this mess and can't. I sometimes wonder what i am fighting for? Why do I feel so empty? I hate to even say, I wonder if I still love him? What is going on with me? I am almost to seven months since D-day, is this maybe a phase at this point? I also have the feelings of not wanting do anything that I am suppose to other than caring for my children, my girls save me everyday with there wonderful little personalities and silliness.<P>Oh how I dreaded this month and here I am and I probably won't know anymore at the end of this month than I do now. (Does anyone know if I can find out if a child has been born to someone?) H and I do have our little mini-vacation alone at the end of this month, I hope it helps and we can sort out my/our feelings. The next dreaded month will be May, but it looks really busy with school and dance events so that will help, in fact dance recital occurs right over our anniversary so I can just be busy and ignore it. If I think I can survive I really want a new date or no date to celebrate. It seems to stupid to celebrate the day we vowed to each other our faithfulness and they didn't keep.<P>Do I sound depressed, I don't even know if this helped, maybe a little. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep right now. I better end this now before i can't work any longer.<P>Thanks for listening !<P>I think of everyone everyday and pray for you,<P>Carrie<p>[This message has been edited by carriemom (edited February 07, 2001).]

Carrie,<P>I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so empty right now. I think that the lack of closure (i.e. not knowing whether OW had child; whether child is H's, etc.) may be preventing you from focusing on you and your H. Just a thought I had.<P>Anyway, I can relate to that empty feeling. It is so awful. The problem for me is that I feel like H is a stranger. Sure I know practically everything about him, except for what really matters like how he could do this to us.<P>I'm not sure where you live, but some newspapers print birth information on a regular basis. Maybe you could see if the newspaper where OW lives prints this information.<P>I will continue to pray for you.<P>Dolphin

Ooops<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited February 06, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>Carrie,<P>For some of us (me included) the initial betrayal is the worst of it. I have been in a struggle lately myself, reliving events, things said, what happened and wondering how it could have happened...and finding myself so sad and depressed over it at times. I hate what happened, I hate the results, I hate the impact it has had on me, on us.<P>Like your husband, mine can't do enough for me, show enough remorse and regret, couldn't be sweeter and more accomodating, but sometimes it just ain't enough....because it never ever should have happened.<P>Waiting to find out if an OC is a reality or not in your life must be maddening...like waiting for a ticking bomb to go off at any time. It must be nerve wracking.<P>I have thought about this for the past half an hour and tried to think what I would do if it were me. I would have hired a Private Investigator to get the information for me. I don't think I could have waited all this time not knowing. It might cost you a thousand dollars to get this information, but you would have it. Or you can wait. A good PI can ferret out all kinds of information, whether or not she is pregnant, even what plans she has by ingratiating herself/hisself with her or someone she knows.<P>I find it incredible you have heard not one thing from her...it makes me think she was never pregnant, or she may have lost it, or aborted it, or has decided to vanish into oblivion and raise it herself and not contact you ever. She may never come out of the weeds about any of this. It might be up to you, for your peace of mind, to take aggressive action to find the truth on your own.<P>Let me know if you need anything.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I know the empty feeling. It is like it has taken over me. A year ago I was full of emotion. I was ready to fight for my marriage. I cared about my husband. Now I just don't even seem to have an opinion, much less an emotion. <P>I sometimes wish I could get angry or something. Then maybe I could make a decision to either get out of this mess or make it better. Not just sit here like I am doing now. I wonder a lot about what I am or was fighting for.<P>Carriemom I hope you and I can both get out of this void. It is terrible. Maybe you will hear something one way or another about the OC and it will jolt you into knowing what you should do. Other than checking public records on births, I just don't know what you can do to find out if she has had OC. I remember looking in paper every Sunday for birth announcement of OC. I knew child was here and that on Sunday was when they printed the notices. Sometimes they lag weeks behind. I feared seeing that she had named my H and put it in the paper. She didn't. I still look at Sunday birth announcements, as if she might go back and resubmit an announcement that declars him as the father. Geeezzz... <P>I am just a little over a year since D-day and six months past the birth of OC. When my H comes over I want to yell at him "I am divorcing you!", but I don't. We just talk like normal. What is going on at school and with him at work. I wonder why I don't say those words. It just seems to be the void. <P>Hang in there CM. Something has to give. If I think of a way to find your OW and OC I will send it your way. Take care... Carolyn

carriemom, I would have been the same way I didnt know about oc until it was two weeks old. There is some spyware programs that say you can find out anything about anyone. I think it is about 30.00. I can try to find it if you want. So sorry you have to be going thru this hell. I know the feeling of nothing you talk about its been a little over a year since I found out about oc. Iam just beginning to feel a spark of love that is starting to replace the discust and betrayel that has filled my heart for so long. I hope you can find some answers. I think I would have to know one way or the other too. with love flowerseed

Dear Carriemom,<BR>I agree with Catnip regarding a private investigator. However, in my case, when I wanted to find out information about ow and could not afford to go that route, I had a friend who is a very skillful and persuasive talker volunteer to call up ow. She pretended to be a telemarketer type who was taking a poll of societial trends, and asked a series of very specific questions designed to find out what I wanted to know. of course, she started out with general questions totally unrelated to the subject so that ow would not immediately become suspicious. This is probably very illegal in some way or another. I don't know for sure, but at the time I certainly was not concerned with legalities. I am not, per se, recommending that you do this, but if it was me, I would have someone call pretending to be conducting a poll on new and expectant mothers, and see what I could get from that. It probably is fraud by communication. To me at the time, I just had to know certain things, and the ow was more than happy to tell all about her lifestyle. I feel that sometimes neccesity truly is the mother of invention, you know, and considering how much ow manipulated us, I certainly did not feel bad about manipulating her.<BR>As far as the feeling of emptyness is concerned, I think that it is a natural defense mechanism that your mind does to help protect you from furthur emotional pain. Kind of like it is numbing you beforehand because it knows there may be worse to come. I had the same sort of lack of feelings then, and once in a while still do when this stuff comes up. What I do, and this may sound silly, is pray to God asking him to allow me to feel towards my husband the love and compassion a wife should. Usually within minutes I am flooded by emotions for him and reminded why I think he is the greatest man that ever lived. <BR>Have a great time on your vacation. You do not know how much you leading me to this site has helped. I am forever grateful.<BR>With love, cd

carriemom,<P>I think there are certain times when it is worse. I personally did hit it around eight months. It was very hard. in fact I didn't post between October though December, because I couldn't even get the strength to participate. <P>I know not knowing can drive you to the point of insanity. I was like that the 12 weeks I waited to hear about the DNA. Yours has been longer. I am so sorry. Try to do some of the suggestions as far as finding out the results of what is going on. YOu are in my prayers. <P>babstr.

Carrie, <P>I have an idea !!!!!! I am 3 years past discovery so I've become pretty good at playing [censored] Tracey! Ok, here goes.....<P>1-You'll need her phone number, which is usually easy to get right off the internet.<P>2-Do you have a very persuasive friend or family member to make the call?<P>3-Call Olan Mills portrait studio near her and find out about their newborn portrait specials. They all offer one. In fact, they usually give you a coupon right there in the hospital (anyone else remember those!) Be sure and get their address and phone number so that you can give it to OW when offering the appt...this way it will seem legit.<P>4-Have your friend call OW and pretend to be Olan Mills and offer her the portrait special. This will not seem unusual since they REALLY do typically call new mothers and offer this. It's usually a free 8x10 or something hard to turn down! If she choses to do this then you can get the babies name and age for the appointment!<P>5-If this works then right afterward you should follow thru by calling Olan Mills to really set up the appt. This way she won't ever think that you were behind it.<P>Hope it works, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you not knowing. Best of Luck.<p>[This message has been edited by Angelface (edited February 07, 2001).]

Carriemom,<P>We didn't find out about OC for nine years and then when it came down to a paternity test the OW refused. She told my SIL that she would never let the OC be around me and my children. So at this point we're not sure if the child is H or not. It drives me crazy not knowing, but I also think I don't want to know. Our attorney says we can sue her to make her take the test since she has legally named my H as the father. That might answer the question of paternity, but it would open up a lot more problems. So maybe it's best not knowing. <P>Eraser

Oh my, all of these wonderful replies were waiting for me when I came to work this morning, thanks to all of you ! It really has helped and I feel reassured about not being so strange in my feelings.<P>Dolphin - you are so right that the lack of closure and unanswered questions is really keeping me from healing and moving on with our relationship even though H is doing everything possible to help us heal or so it seems. Thank you for the prayers,<P>Catnip - The initial betrayal is so awful but oh how I wish that was all I had to work on, I wish I could just focus on that and heal. But I still wonder if we ever do know the answers to the unknown and can lay that piece to rest, can I get over what he did to our vows. There are so many "ghosts and visions" floating around in my head everytime we are close, I can't stand that for the rest of my life. <P>I keep thinking about hiring a PI or getting a friend to help, but there is no one I totally confided the whole story too other than my Mom and Dad. My Dad would probably love to find out but knows he needs to stay out of it. I'm just so scared of opening up a can of worms, ruffling her feathers. A lawyer did tell us that she could find out for us if OW gave birth without OW ever knowing it, that this is public record. But we should probably wait a reasonable amount of time to look into it, probably March.<P>I just hope what you think Catnip, maybe right about her vanishing or that nothing really came of the pregnancy, but i want to know!!!<P>Takingcare - you sound like you know exactly how I am feeling and I hope you are right that hearing something will make me realize what I want to do. I think I know that is what I need and that is why I am going crazy and obsessing over it - I need information to move on!<P>Flowerseed - What does the spyware program do? Thank you for your kind words.<P>CD - Thank you for sharing what you did, you had a great friend to do that for you. I just am too scared to do anything like that. I know where she lives and have her phone number but I just look at the address and wonder why I have it. I just wish I new her live in BF's name. And believe me CD, I pray continually everyday especially when I feel so weak and empty, Jesus and God carry me through a lot. I could have not made it without my faith. I am so glad you have found the help you need here, I am so glad I saw your message at freeadvice.<P>babstr - you probably have notice that i don't post a real lot ever, I am just so at a lost for words most of the time. I can't sort out how I feel and don't know what to write and as far as advice to others I still feel so new and unsure don't know what I could possibly share to help others. But I am always reading and keeping up and sharing when I feel I have something worthy to share. Thank you for letting me know that my ups and downs are most likely all part of the process. Thank you for the prayers<P>Angelface - sounds like a great plan but I just couldn't do it and as I said to catnip I do not have a friend that knows the whole story other than here on the board.<P>Eraser - I keep thinking to that it would probably be best to not know, but I don't want something blowing up in my face years down the road when I think all is going well.<P>I guess I just have to keep moving along through the month and maybe finding out if it is even an issue at the end of this month and going from there. I just don't want to cause an emotional distance so far from my H that we have nothing to work with. I'm just not sure what to do about that. And then of course there is my sanity, need to keep it for my girls.<P>Thanks to all ! Today is better than yesterday with much thanks to all of your wonderful words.<P>Carrie<P> <p>[This message has been edited by carriemom (edited February 07, 2001).]

carrie, I dont really know how that program works it just keep popping up when I would go to reverse phone directory look up. A while back I was driving myself nuts checking phone no. on my h cell phone which I can happily say I dont do no more it drove me more nuts than it did any good. Anyhow the program says it can find out anything out about anybody. I hope you get some answers soon its got to be awful. with love flowerseed

I bought the program and it just gives you references of where to find the information. it doesn't actually give you anything else.<P>Catnip =^^=