I feel sort of guilty for posting about this, because compared to the problems faced by others here it seems relatively unimportant. But really, I have to have some advice or something or I will go quietly insane.<P>I have written before that my husband is having difficulty dealing with the guilt and remorse he feels over what he has done. It's getting to the point now that it is causing him to almost withdraw into himself. It's like there is him, a wall of guilt, and then me, like it is pushing us apart. We have just started counseling about this and the couple we meet with says I should be supportive and try to talk to him and allow him to work through these feelings. H says that it's just that he has been so busy the past 4 years trying to make things better for me that he never realized the full impact of what having this oc would do to us and to our children. In a way I understand this, because he has gone above and beyond in his mission to make this a better marriage, but I just feel like screaming at him, "Where the hell have you been that you're just now getting it?" I realized what the impact of pregnancy would be way back when the I was only suspecting that an affair was going on. i even went out and purchased condoms and gave them to him and said, "If you are screwing this girl (whom he insisted was just a friend) by all means USE these. Whatever happens that we have to work through, I beg you not to get her pregnant or come home with a VD. It may seem wierd that I was thinking like that, but it has always been my nature to logically think through the possibilities. One time, I stopped at ow's apartment to see if h was there. The front door was wide open so I walked in and found them sleeping soundly in the bedroom. I stood there a full five minutes considering what I should or could do. This may sound demented, but I weighed in my mind the questions of, "If I kill her right now, could I plea temporarry insanity? What if I just grab her out of bed and beat her unconsious, then say she attacked me first?" Finally i decided that whatever i did, my actions had to be such that I would not be jeopardizing our future. As a teacher, I knew that ANY kind of criminal record would eliminate my future career in that field. So i calmly tapped on h's shoulder and said, "We need to talk. Get up and come outside." <BR>Anyway, I'm having a hard time not taking the "I told you so" approach, which is what I want to do. I DID tell him so, for heaven's sake.<BR>The biggest problem with it now is that I don't want to make my H feel worse, but I don't have any way of making him feel better. I have to be careful, because H has huge issues with abandonment from his childhood. his parents, who were classic welfare bums, once moved without telling him and left him, a young boy, to fend for himself on the streets of inner-city Philadelphia. He just came home one day to find their apartment abandoned and everything gone, except for his clothes. So I know that he has natural fears of me just getting sick of the stress and leaving him. as much as I tell him that I never will, he can't seem to grasp it. It's like he's hearing me and not hearing me at the same time. In fact, I know that these issues were in part responsible for the affair itself because I was so emotionally distant from him around the time that I graduated college that he felt like I was tossing him aside.<P>Really, I can't stand to see him in pain and suffering over this, but at the same time I get furious that he is allowing this thing to keep on interfering in our lives. Any advice from anyone would be so appreciated.

I am so sorry to hear that you and your H are still being tormented by this after 4 years. I believe that WS would be better suited to advise you, but I think that you should emphasize to H that he has to seperate the act from the individual. Yes, H made a mistake an committed an awful act. However, some very good people commit awful acts. That does not make them an awful person. I don't know if that will help at all, but I will pray for you and H.<P>Dolphin

CD COLLINS, I have just read your letter. I'm sorry that you are having htis problem. My h also went through simular family problems. His parents divorced and his d wasn't there for him. He tells me how he would wait at the door on fri. for his d to pick him up for the weekend and d would sometimes show up and sometimes not. H d also left m for OW. H m has also told me how h would wait and how upset he would be when d didn't show up. H doesn't want his oc to ever feel those feelings. Maybe that is what your h is dealing with himself. It sounds to me like he feels he is abandoning this OC. is there any contact with oc? I do not know how you feel about that but it may be something to think about. Even though you and h are together and doing better this will always be a part of your lives. H will always know that he has oc out there and he will remember oc bday and htis is going to be alot for him to handle, yourself included. I am trying to find a way to accept OC because OC can not help how h was brought into this world. No matter how any of us feel towards oc they deserve to know both parents. Even if op doesn't have c or v they need to know who they are and have some type of relationship w/that parent and other sib. Maybe I am wrong and please do't get offended by what i say, but this is how I am trying to deal w/it. It may not be that you can and that's your right but this oc will always be in your h mind and that's going to be hard for him to deal with. Be there for him and tell him you are trying to support him. Believe me I know how hard it is. We are going to have v rights start in 2 weeks and I am terrified of how I'm going to handle it. I am going to just take it one day @ a time and handle it some how. It is going to be a constant reminder of what happened and I have to find a way to cope, god help me, but I'm determined to make this work for all of us. Hope this helps somehow and please don't be offended or hurt by what I've said. I can only speek from my heart and I try to make things the best for everybody involved. We all have alot to work through. It will be a daily struggle for us all, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep looking for it and you'll find it.

Dear Lost24<BR>Thanks for writing back. We are going to find out today when we go to court for the visitation hearing. We actually had two visits with oc in the past, but dropped pursuit as per an agreement with ow, who then violated the agreement and set things back in motion. I sort of think, and this is just my own opinion, that a lot of this is related to feelings about the oc, but maybe not in the way you think. Last time we met we oc, a little over a year ago, I had no great difficulty in bonding with her. In fact, after we agreed to forego any more visits, I cried secretly for many nights after that. I really did like her (oc) and could see that in time, i would become very attached to the child. I think that my ability to be accepting and loving comes from working with abused and neglected children in my last job. It is not difficult for me anymore to reach out to a child, despite their problems. In my job, I had to learn to connect emotionally with teenagers who acted out in all sorts of ways, from name-calling to punching me spitting snot in my face. From those with assault records to teenagers who molested other children. My h on the other hand, was (I hate to say it like this) a bit repulsed by the child, who really does have poor mannerisms that come from being raised by the ow. She does have some very scummy and unlikable traits, all of which come from ow. My h has said that he is ashamed of himself for not feeling a natural fatherly bond with her, and was relieved to hear that ow's boyfriend wanted to adopt and raise the child - of course boyfriend has since backed out of marrying ow. I know that on one hand,he feels that since oc does not have a stable two-parent environment, we can offer her so much. On the other hand, he is afraid that he will not be able to truly love her like he loves "our" children. he knows that being brought up by just ow is harmful to the child, but he doesn't know how he will be able to form a bond with a child who has been raised thus far to be completely alien to his value system and beliefs. I know this all weighs heavily on his mind. I am certain that I will be able to grow to love oc as one of my own, and I think we can do so much for her.<P>I'm sure that you are terribly nervous about metting oc in visitation for the first time. In my own mind, I have been blessed with the ability to separate oc from feelings toward ow, for the most part anyway. I will pray that God enables you to do the same. You seem to be a wonderfully caring person, so I am sure this will not be too difficult a task for you.<P>Thanks again -cd

Dear Lost24<BR>Thanks for writing back. We are going to find out today when we go to court for the visitation hearing. We actually had two visits with oc in the past, but dropped pursuit as per an agreement with ow, who then violated the agreement and set things back in motion. I sort of think, and this is just my own opinion, that a lot of this is related to feelings about the oc, but maybe not in the way you think. Last time we met we oc, a little over a year ago, I had no great difficulty in bonding with her. In fact, after we agreed to forego any more visits, I cried secretly for many nights after that. I really did like her (oc) and could see that in time, i would become very attached to the child. I think that my ability to be accepting and loving comes from working with abused and neglected children in my last job. It is not difficult for me anymore to reach out to a child, despite their problems. In my job, I had to learn to connect emotionally with teenagers who acted out in all sorts of ways, from name-calling to punching me spitting snot in my face. From those with assault records to teenagers who molested other children. My h on the other hand, was (I hate to say it like this) a bit repulsed by the child, who really does have poor mannerisms that come from being raised by the ow. She does have some very scummy and unlikable traits, all of which come from ow. My h has said that he is ashamed of himself for not feeling a natural fatherly bond with her, and was relieved to hear that ow's boyfriend wanted to adopt and raise the child - of course boyfriend has since backed out of marrying ow. I know that on one hand,he feels that since oc does not have a stable two-parent environment, we can offer her so much. On the other hand, he is afraid that he will not be able to truly love her like he loves "our" children. he knows that being brought up by just ow is harmful to the child, but he doesn't know how he will be able to form a bond with a child who has been raised thus far to be completely alien to his value system and beliefs. I know this all weighs heavily on his mind. I am certain that I will be able to grow to love oc as one of my own, and I think we can do so much for her.<P>I'm sure that you are terribly nervous about metting oc in visitation for the first time. In my own mind, I have been blessed with the ability to separate oc from feelings toward ow, for the most part anyway. I will pray that God enables you to do the same. You seem to be a wonderfully caring person, so I am sure this will not be too difficult a task for you.<P>Thanks again -cd

cdcollins,<P>I just want to tell you, I am where you are right now. I am one year from finding out, but the actual incident happened in july 1997. My biggest problem is that I can't hardly talk about things. Like this week is Dday, and I am trying to stay strong. But we were talking two nights ago. Since then he has been depressing and upset. Wrote an email to me telling me how he will do whatever it takes to make me happy and burn hell doing it. Not a very good attitude. It is like as long as he goes on with his life than he doesn't think about it. But every now and then he gets upset and realizes the damage. <P>I don't have to deal with guilt as far as the oc. we don't have contact and never will. But it just kills him to think of what he has done. And it is hard not to think "I told you so". I truly understand you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Keep writing it helps us all.<P>babstr.

CD, I'm gald you wrote back. We share in the feeling of detaching the OC from the OW. I know that I will develope a love for this OC. I just hate knowing that I will have to be faced with OW. She is going to make this hell for me but she is in for the fight of her life. H and I have both, from the beginning talked about getting custody of OC. The gp's have this OC all of the time and she is no mother to him except when it meets her needs or is to her advantage. H is tired of her playing this game with him and his S. Our lawyer said for us to keep records of her actions and we can take her to court to get custody of OC. The OW is the major problem here and like I said it's going to be a battle everytime we go to get OC. I do not want OC to be caught in the middle of this mess. We are going to call and have gp's there before going to pick up oc. If this doesn't work then babysitter has told h that we are welcome to pick him up there. H has permission to pick up OC there because h has had to take oc to the dr. B has called h @ wk to tell him that oc was real sick and ow would not take time off of wk to take him to thr dr. How sorry is that?? She says that if she takes time off wk it effects here bonus check @ wk. I feel that nothing is more important than the health of my children but she is more concerned with loosing time and money from wk.H has told her that he looses money too but the health of the oc should come first. h drives a truck and if he's not driving he's not making any money. H has taken oc to several drs. appt. for this reason. He was out of town ontime when oc got sick and this "*****' asked the babysitter to take him to the dr. The sitter called H and H ask her to please take oc and he would give her gas money. When I talked to h that day he was p and I asked what was wrong and he told me that I would not believe what "THAT ***** HAS DONE NOW", his exact words. When he told me what she had done it blowed my mind. I told h to call babysitter and tell her that I would come get baby and take him to the dr. myself. At this time oc was only 9mo. old. I really didn't want to but I could not stand the idea if that baby being there sick w/a fever of 102 and that "sorry *****" more concerned about money than the health of her child. My m tells me I have a heart too big for my own good sometimes. I feel that god wouln't give me more than I can handle. He sure is loading me up though. Maybe with your experience and background you can help your h to reaize that given the chance the oc can be taught better habits and he can love this child as he does his other. You sound like a very caring and loving person. He is fortunate to have you. Maybe with your help and the two of you working through this together he come to realize this. I woould hate for him to not establish a relationship w/oc because of something she has no control over. <P>------------------<BR>lost24