He's moving out. I can't take it. I will heal very slow, but it's for my mental health. The last straw was when she spoke to me last week,I decided I have to move for peace of mind.<P>H said nobody is making him move from our house!(been here since 1978). I can't be 1/2 mile away from her. I just want to move to another suburb,not state!<P>H said that's it. I said the same. So....see all of you and thanks for being there when I needed you.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, when are you moving? I dont blame you a bit . There is no way I could have to look at the thing my h was with and be harressed by her. Did you tell h what she did to you? I said a least a doz times that I couldnt take no more and that was it. Gem what ever you do I wish you only the best. I really think it is easier to leave than it is to stay at least you dont have to constanty be dwelling on what happened and worrying about getting screwed again. But that is me not anybody else. Keep in touch with us when you figure out what youre doing please. Ill sit here and worry about you if ya dont. So sorry gem hope things get better for you. with love flowerseed

Gem,<BR>I'm sure this time is very hard right now, but are you for sure this is what you want to do? I remember being in the stage you are and just wanting to be done with my W and the whole mess, but that past, just like all the other crap I've been through. I know you must have lamented over this decision, but did you ever consider doing Plan B? I know the Harley's say to Plan A for at least 6 mos., but I only Plan A'ed about 3 mos, because my W was still talking to OM. After the first 2-3 wks of plan B, things start leveling off and you really do feel better. I understand that your circumstances are different than mine, but I just thought I would offer my 2 cents worth! Believe me, I don't blame you for doing what you are doing and nobody here will. I wish you all the best and hope that God richly blesses you for what you have been through.<BR>Floored

Gem:<P>Don't be too hasty, you may live to regret it. We live in such a disposable society that we often join the ranks of sheep and go for the easy route rather than fight for our marriages and find that unbelievable higher plane that many of us here have found. But it takes time and work...you have to make the effort.<P>If you are not in love with your husband, if you are sure you cannot trust him ever again or forgive him and build something better, then, by all means, do what you must, if you know you absolutely cannot live another day this way. but, please, no knee jerk reactions. Think it through carefully before you rush off to the attorney.<P>Regardless what happens, Gem, you have added so much to our little group and I thank you for giving me many laughs and food for thought.<P>Love, <P>Catnip =^^=<P>May God guide you, protect you, comfort you...

Gem,<P>I am so sorry to hear this. but please keep in touch. I am still concerned for you and your son. How is he taking this news? Please think out all of your decisions. God bless you and your family.<P>babstr.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you are not in love with your husband, if you are sure you cannot trust him ever again or forgive him and build something better, then, by all means, do what you must, if you know you absolutely cannot live another day this way. but, please, no knee jerk reactions<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Catnip, I love him with all my heart(broken).<P>I want to move.<P>He says w/money situation we can't now. I want to bring it up again in counsel session.<P>I don't want big or new....just a different neighborhood w/different stores and all. Different "stomping grounds".<P>He says he's a cancer in my life and he knows I think of what he did each time I look at him and by him leaving it will allow me to get a new happy life. He wants me to smile and mean it. HA! A new happy life....<P>One I never asked for.<P>If he can't think about selling this house then he is regrettably right. We will go our seperate ways.<P>Getting away from sad memories would change a lot w/me.<P>Thanks Flowerseed,Floored,Babstr. My son doesn't know because it hasn't happened yet.<P>He's doing fabulous w/meds kicked in.<P>Love to you all..... Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Oh Gem. I have sat on this post all day & really contemplated a reply. I think we all know how hard it is to stay, and also how hard it is to go. Each of us live in a world of compromised futures, no matter what our choices are. Any choice we make has been tainted by this. Stay and deal with teh repercussion of A and OC. Leave and also basically live with repercussion of A and OC, because we know that if that factor wasn't there we would not be making that choice.<P>I am one of those heartless folks who won't flinch one bit. The OW will not force ANY action that I did not choose on my own to take. I will not stay with my husband nor will I leave him because of HER actions. It will be totally because of what is in my heart for him. I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that I did one thing differently in my life than I did prior to her infecting our lives. But that is me. I know that is not a path some can take.<P>Please be wary of the "green grass" that is luring you right now. A new neighborhood, a new house... those things are simply external changes. The one that needs to take place is more the internal kind. I am scared you will make this move and then find you are still in the same place inside your heart. That could be very devestating for you down the road. I will pray that isn't the case.<P>I am glad your son is better. He was at such a bad place. In a lot of ways i am blessed that mine are only 8 & 7 and cannot feel the blow your son has had to take. Take care... Carolyn

gem, we went thru the same thing more times then I care to think about not about moving but because of the pain. My h said the same things he just couldnt stand what he had did to us they act all mad and its because they are so mad at themselves. Maybe you guys will be able to talk this out. I would have to go after that ***** with a lawsuit if she was harrassing me like your getting dont let her win what she has done to you with her smartass thing she did the other day is just what she wanted to accomplish upsetting you the way she did. with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>. I will not stay with my husband nor will I leave him because of HER actions.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>You're 100% right takingcare! He did say...hate her and what she says but don't hate me.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please be wary of the "green grass" that is luring you right now. A new neighborhood, a new house... those things are simply external changes. The one that needs to take place is more the internal kind<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You may have something there! but she lives 1/2 mile away.... Will I be ok w/her so close<BR>My H said "you will always have me Debi...isn't that enough to keep us here in our home together? Thanks takingcare you gave me food for thought.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I would have to go after that ***** with a lawsuit if she was harrassing me<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would but is saying "hi" even as she did grounds for harassment? I think they'd laugh at me.... I don't know Flowerseed..... That "boob" upside the head was pretty funny when you wrote that. I'm paying too much to waste a perfectly good boob on her!<P> P.M.S. sucks...<P>H stopped home to eat lunch. Asked me what I want? Stay or go it's my call.(him) I said stay for today and we'll talk w/counsler together soon. we'll see.<BR>

You know Deb, I think I would make every effort to be in her face and looking pretty and happy and smiling. Let it eat her up that she hasn't pooped in your punch bowl! All she has left at this point is the satisfaction that she is an irritant. Snatch that away from her! If there was a way to prance around in front of her with your H on your arm, well... I would DO IT. Get you H to take you on a BIG vacation, and make sure she gets word of it. <P>I have a bit of a mean streak. Irish in me. <P>Take it easy. Breathe and just deal with today. Let us know how counseling goes. <P>Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Irish in me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Me too! 1/2 Irish 1/2 Italian! What a mix eh? H Italian.....<P>Vacation is coming in near future. Thanks! <BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem:<P>If you leave your husband, SHE WINS.<P>I like what Takingcare said about parade around with your husband on your arm adoring you and depising her. What premium self satisfaction that could produce!<P>You'll probably think I'm a bytch, but, I think you must change what is inside of you. Instead of taking the defeatist attitude, come off like the champion you are. <P>I know you are far more beautiful than she is...most wives are several notches above OW's for some reason. I agree completely with Takingcare; be your most beautiful best at all times, smile and laugh and be happy around her, adopt a cavalier attitude, act like a winner around her, it will dive her mad and make her feel lowly and insecure. <P>Let her know with your actions that you are made of far better stuff than she is; you have character, integrity, substance, beauty, (and-not to be shallow- soon new boobs!) and your husband adores you and will move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life making this up to you. <P>Wear life like a loose cloak and let her know by your actions you don't give a good goddam what she thinks, that she is an irritant with the significance of a gnat. That you and your husband have reconciled and are better than ever before because he realizes that you are far, far superior and he prefers you.<P>Look, Gem, you leave now and she will crow her victory. Even if she lived next door, I would open my curtains and let her see my husband and me blissfully happy and grateful for the second chance God gave us. <P>Find an attorney, even if you have to call every single one in your phone book, and see if you can find one who will take a case of Personal Injury against her, because, my dear, she has injured you, in the most personal way possible.<P>Catnip =^^=

gemini,<P>sorry you are struggling with this right now. everyone has already gave you such wonderful advice. i agree that if you still love your husband, don't make a decision to fast. you could end up regretting it. this is a terrible situation to be in. i don't think i could live so close to OW, i would be obsessed with seeing what she does etc. think through this slowly and examine your heart and your motives for wanting to leave. you will be in my prayers. glad your son is doing better with the medication.<P>happy_girl

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Let her know with your actions that you are made of far better stuff than she is; you have character, integrity, substance, beauty, (and-not to be shallow- soon new boobs!) and your husband adores you and will move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life making this up to you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh Catnip! You are right. My H came home and said how sad he's been lately knowing what has happened. He feels sorry for me. He thinks I will never forget this the rest of my life. Then he said (in light of her hello to me.BTW she did same thing to my sister in grocery store line 2 wks ago)how can SHE go around being so happy? Isn't she a bit sad?<P>I didn't answer. I know her H moved. I know she filed for dissoloution. I think she's nuts! Maybe it's an act for the moment only. Who knows?<P>I promised him I heal a little each day. I want to live my life w/him "as if" it never happened. She means nothing to him. She caused everyone such pain she's not worth it. I said I want to watch t.v. without HIM worrying what I think if a baby commercial comes on. It's me worrying about him worrying about what I'm thinking that is caustic to healing.<P>I told him NO MORE! Don't change channel. I begged him for some normal times again. He said it's hard. I told him we had better focus on happy times or we will wither away.<P>Then Frasier was on and it was the episode where Roz is preg. and kid comes over to marry her! oh boy what timing!<P>Roz sends him on to his own life telling him it's ok.... HMMMMM interesting. being raised w/out dad around. It is done! Even if only on t.v.<P>H is actually doing worse than me.<P>We'll see how and if the new attitude works.<P>If not God must have another plan in mind.<P>Thanks Happy for your words also.<BR> Debi <P><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, <P>Not much to add here, except it sound as if the rollercoaster ride that is all our lives now has taken a downward slide for you in the past several days. This is the first of many, so fasten your seatbelt.<P>Now, as to your H and the decision(s) you have to make.....Your decision to leave may be the best choice you could make and the right one for you...eventually. But I think now is not the time for you to make this choice. Unfortunately, there are so many very painful stages we must go through before we arrive at what is truly best for us. You are still in the process of going through these stages. Of course, any of us can choose to leave at any point in this process, but until the process "runs its course" and all parties have time to really figures out feelings and life priorities, you may be throwing away something tha can be saved. <P>Believe me, I have felt as you do a hundred times. I still do at least weekly! But I've decided to ride out the storm and see where I end up. This is the most horribly painful thing I have ever had to endure, and I've had plenty to endure in my life, but I have loved my H for 27 years, and I'm not going to give up easily. I have, however, set some limitations to what I am willing to accept. If they resume contact in ANY way that does not involve me, I'm leaving. They resumed the A once, briefly, but I accepted his promise that it would never happen again. That was a year and a half ago, and I believe it is over.( DD#1 was over 2 years ago) But I will NOT accept it again, and he knows it. I do not have "I am your doormat" tattooed on my forehead!<P>Your H seems to be feeling remorse and seems to love you, but you both need some heavy-duty counseling and legal advice about OW. THE TWO OF YOU need to discuss and agree on anything involving OW and OC. Can you sell your home and move to an area of town far away from OW?<P>Think it over, Gem. Unfortunately, any decision you make will be a painful one. There is simply no escaping the pain of this situation. But choose the path that has the best hope of bringing you the most happiness in life after the storm.<P>love, anniem <BR><p>[This message has been edited by anniem (edited February 09, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Think it over, Gem. Unfortunately, any decision you make will be a painful one. There is simply no escaping the pain of this situation. But choose the path that has the best hope of bringing you the most happiness in life after the storm.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's what my H says. He wants me HAPPY. I want to be with him more than not. I love him. I guess I want some sense of normal.<P>At my counsel session today Fr.Bliss said H loves me and is one of the most remorseful men he has seen.(before in his psychiatric practice) He said A was a few times in a year<P>I'm staying!<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, good for you I thought also from what you say your h sounded like he is very sorry for what has happened and does love you. This is just such a hard thing to deal with. Glad things are better today. What catnip said about the personal injury lawsuit is what I meant when I referred to the ow harressing you she just keeps added more to a case if you choose to go after her. with love flowerseed

Flowerseed,<BR>Fr. Bliss said today that we cannot control what people do. If C IS his she may drive down our street w/baby hanging out the window,it'll piss us off but we can't control that.<P>He said my H is getting angrier at her by the minute. He's seeing how she really is. Just let her continue and ignore her because she's an angry woman. He guesses she's miserable things haven't gone her way. I agree.<P>He also said moving wouldn't be for the best as she will feel she's "driven" me away.<BR>I am not the scarlet woman here and by being quiet,it frustrates her and I don't go down to her level. I have to agree. I don't want to speak to her ever. Not in court, not on the street. <P>Like Takingcare and Catnip said...smile and feel pretty and act as if she hasn't changed my life. THAT would drive me crazy if I were her.<P>Hey guys....this summer me and my H and my 2 new girls(boobs) will sit out on our porch on Sat. nights...have a few beers and hope the bitc* drives by.....it's like HA HA you had him in your back seat...I have him and always did right here next to me. He sees what you really are!<P>My H drew 2 circles w/dots in the middle on the day he brings me in for surgery in his appt book and did we have a good laugh. He's no longer jealous! My son just calls me "mom w/the new boobs on the way" They BOTH support me now on this and I can tell you I can't wait!<P>I hope to work somewhere part time soon after I'm able too. I just feel positive today.<P>I pray my H's remorse settles down. He's so SAD these days. Cries at the smallest things and is down. Fr. Bliss is going to try and take him for a beer tonight to talk. I sure hope that happens. I'm worried now that his seeing me reminds him too much of the "pain" he caused. I don't want that. Maybe in time he'll get better. <P>What do you think? <P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Oh gem I about died laughing over that one you and the girls you are to funny. In time you will both feel better it just takes time no matter how hard you wish it didnt it just dont work that way. A girl I knew at work said it takes 3 yrs to get over something like this. At the time I thought no way can I do this for that long but its been almost 2 now. I can say we made it and we are getting there. Glad things are looking better with love flowerseed

Gem,<BR>I am happy to hear you are going to stay. I was worried that you would regret your decision later. You are very fortunate to have a H that sees his mistake and seems to want to make you happy at all costs. That's awesome. I wish my W would be remorseful. On a lighter note, do you have names picked out for your twin girls or are you going to let your H name them!! I bet the birth of those babies will make him perk up!!!<BR>Floored