My husband and I have been married almost 9 years. He has one son, 12 yrs old and living with us since age 3. There is a 16 yr old girl that my husband calls his daughter. My husband is unsure whether the girl is his daughter, and really does not want to get a test. My husband has not done much for the child financially, and communicates with her sparingly. The mother of the daughter is also the biological mother of our son. My husband had an affair with the mother within the last six months after all of these years. This was devastatingly painful and he wants to still communicate with the 16 yr old, and he feels very strongly about it. I feel very strongly about him NOT seeing the child and the mother. I feel I could never trust him with the mother ever again. He says he wants the marriage and I want it too, however, NOT with the 16 yr old and her mother. My husband will continue to be in contact with the mother since the child is still a minor. My husband and I cannot seem to come to terms with how to handle this. My husband has agreed to get a paternity test. After it is confirmed that the girl is not his, I want NO COMMUNICATION at all them. He is not willing to stop seeing and/or communicating with the 16 yr old, which, of course, this includes the mother, too. We have this "On again, Off again" thing going on. It's not good for either of us, and most importantly, it's not good for our son. ANY IDEAS? We cannot seem to resolve this issue. I am not comfortable with my husband communicating with the mother. The worse could happen is that he sleeps with her again, and of course, I would leave him. I am really desperate. I have already drawn up the divorce papers, however, we are trying to "work it out". <P>BETRAYED99

Betrayed:<P>What has happened to you is what a lot of us here on this site are afraid what will happen to them if they allow their spouses to have contact with the OC. A rekindling of the affair.<P>You did not mention whether or not you and your husband have children together. I, like you, raised my husband's two children. After giving so much of yourself it is a cruel blow to have this gift to your spouse ignored and dismissed by having an affair.<P>If the bio mother's 16 year old daughter is presumed to be your husband's child, why then has there been little interaction between them? And why did the bio mother allow your husband and you to raise the son? Were they ever married? Does she see the son or is that 'sparingly' on her part as well?<P>You certainly have a complicated situation, always having the OW in your life all these years to some degree. It sounds like your husband has never really shaken the connection. It's time to sever those ties.<P>What people here recommend is that if the wayward spouse is sincere in saving the marriage and has true regret/remorse, then to insist on a Policy of Joint Agreement and to incorporate the Rule of Honesty and Protection (see the Harley Principles on this site) and create boundaries for you both to live by. The WS should never ever be alone with the OW again under any circumstances and the son or daughter should be picked up and dropped off either by you or a third neutral party for visitation. If your husband has any kind of a relationship with the daughter and has had for 16 years, to cut off all communicaiton could be extremely detrimental for the girl. If the girl isn't all that interested in maintaining a relationship with your husband then perhaps a counselor or clergyman can recommend how to handle visitation, or ceasing communication.<P>I am so sorry you are in such a mess and have so many issues intertwined in your marriage with regards to the son and daughter. Maybe someone here will be able to give you some sound advice as to how to go about this. In the meantime, you're in my prayers. Keep posting.<P>Catnip =^^=

catnip, <P>I really appreciate your quick response. I am very new to this site. What does "OC" mean?<P>To address a few of your comments:<P>My husband and I do not have any children together. The bio mother of the daughter and our son, has also told another man that he too is the father of the 16 yr old. Since the 16 yr old very much like the other guy, and he admits that the girl has features like his. I presume he is the bio father. My husband has also been too fearful to confirm this by way of paternity, and says that he loves the 16 yr old and it does not matter. The other guy has tried to get involved in the 16 yr old's life, but the 16 yr old is not comfortable with the situation. <P>The interaction with my husband and the 16 yr old has been sparingly because they lived about 200 miles away until 1.5 years ago. Also, he and the mother "supposedly" did not get along, and also a lack of finances, which of course is not a good reason. I have pleaded with my husband many, many times to call the 16 yr old over the years, and asked him to truly get involved even though I strongly suspected that she was not his bio child. <P>The bio mother gave the son up for adoption while he was just a few days old. My husband retrieved him from the adoption agency while he was just weeks old. My husband and she were never married, however, he did ask to marry her because of the children. <P>The bio mother does not spend time with the son. She would only see him when my husband and son would visit the daughter. My friends and relatives have said that I was too lenient with the situation. I have always trusted my husband and since he and she supposedly "despised" one another. I never felt that he would end up in bed with the witch. The woman said to my husband in front of the 16 yr old daughter, "You are looking pretty good, we ought to get together sometime." What kind of behavior is that in front of your daughter. It's been 10 to 12 years since he has been intimate with her.<P>Since I have been supportive in past with the situation with the daughter, I feel since my husband has betrayed me, I can no longer trust him with this situation. Unfortunately, my husband is deficient in judgment. <P>This is a very convoluted situation, and I am tired of pondering over it. I am thoroughly disgusted and feel truly betrayed. <BR> <BR>I will review the Joint Agreement and Rule of <BR>Honesty. Perhaps I will be able to get some sound advice from this posting. <P>BETRAYED

Betrayed, you are dealing with one pearl of an OW. She sounds pretty messed up. All the values of a cheap cardboard suitcase. So sorry about that. Seems once you are tied to these people via a child it is like having an ugly step-cousin that you can't rid yourself of.<P>But I guess I am reall not understanding the issue with your H seeing this 16 yr old girl. I would think that cards & phone calls would be enough. If he has not established paternity, well he really has NO business visting a 16 yr old girl, even if he raised her as a D (but it really doesn't sound like he was in her life too much). This crazy OW could claim anything and your H would be in trouble. He needs to have a very supervised situation with OC (other child... which in this case refers to this girl). I am advising this for the protection of you and your family. The visits are not really for the sake of the 12 yr old boy are they? Does he want to see his sister? I would suggest that all contact with this girl be handled through a neutral third party. If it cannot happen that way, then you need to be present at all visits. <P>This all pertains to the Policy of Joint Agreement and also the Rule of Protection. Your H needs to be acting in a manner that is FIRST protective of you and your son... in other words, his family. He is jepordizing your relationship and also his stable family in order to stay in contact with a 16 yr old that has been told she has dad #1 and dad #2 (and who knows what else). <P>I guess I am still confused on your son. He has been living with you since age three, yet your H picked him up at time of birth just prior to adoption. I presume when you say "living with us since age 3" you mean that is when you moved into the picture aand that boy was always with his dad. Is that correct?<P>I hope you have a good counselor and that your H is willing to see the light on how destructive this contact with OW and OC can possibly be. And the return on his gamble of staying in this child's life is what? I just am not sure I am seeing what he thinks he is adding to her life.<P>Take care & keep posting. Maybe we can all add more value as we go along here. Carolyn

takingcare,<P>Thank you so much for your insight to my messy situation. <P>You are correct in your assessment with our son. I met my husband when our son was age 3. However, our son was living with my husband's grandmother at the time. When my husband retrieved our son from the adoption agency, he then went to the family for help.<BR> <BR>My husband is seeing the child for his sake, not our son's. My son is aware of the affair and was very hurt by it. He has verbally said that he did not want to continue to see his sister if it was going to break up the family.<P>I do not really understand the issue of husband seeing the 16 yr old girl either, since he really has not been there. He says he really loves her. Whatever that means. <P>The dilemma is -- I do not want my husband to participate in dropping off and picking up of this girl, nor myself. I want the communication to cease and my husband wants it to continue. <P>We will review the Joint Agreement. <P>takingcare, your insight has been most appreciated. I have read this feedback to my husband. He has said all along I should be there at all times. If I were open to being there then we would not have a problem. But, I just don't care to be there, and desire all communication to stop. My husband has continued to communicate with the daughter. The daughter calls on his cell phone. He just communicated with the mother on yesterday regarding coordinating the telephone serviceman appointment, WITHOUT consulting with me. <P>He says he is very sorry for the betrayal, but then he will turnaround and make decisions that he probably should not be involved in. He is very confused. <P>betrayed

takingcare,<P>Thank you so much for your insight to my messy situation. <P>You are correct in your assessment with our son. I met my husband when our son was age 3. However, our son was living with my husband's grandmother at the time. When my husband retrieved our son from the adoption agency, he then went to the family for help.<BR> <BR>My husband is seeing the child for his sake, not our son's. My son is aware of the affair and was very hurt by it. He has verbally said that he did not want to continue to see his sister if it was going to break up the family.<P>I do not really understand the issue of husband seeing the 16 yr old girl either, since he really has not been there. He says he really loves her. Whatever that means. <P>The dilemma is -- I do not want my husband to participate in dropping off and picking up of this girl, nor myself. I want the communication to cease and my husband wants it to continue. <P>We will review the Joint Agreement. <P>takingcare, your insight has been most appreciated. I have read this feedback to my husband. He has said all along I should be there at all times. If I were open to being there then we would not have a problem. But, I just don't care to be there, and desire all communication to stop. My husband has continued to communicate with the daughter. The daughter calls on his cell phone. He just communicated with the mother on yesterday regarding coordinating the telephone serviceman appointment, WITHOUT consulting with me. <P>He says he is very sorry for the betrayal, but then he will turnaround and make decisions that he probably should not be involved in. He is very confused. <P>betrayed

My son is not sure if his youngest child, now almost 5 years old, is biologically his, as she was born 8-1/2 months after her mother returned home from having an affair. Personally, I think she IS our granddaughter, based on family resemblence.<P>However, even though this child may not be his bio daughter, our son loves her dearly; likewise, she thinks that he hung the moon.<P>If our son should marry again and his new wife should demand that he stop all contact with this child, I think that would end the marriage right there. And, BTW, I think the new wife would be right in being concerned about any possible contact with our son's ex-wife, being as I don't think our son will ever not be in love with his ex.<P>So, I basically think you should leave the father-daughter relationship alone, because the lack of a blood relationship does not mean that your husband can cut off his fatherly love for the girl. If he has thought of her as his daughter for 16 years...even knowing that she might not be his child, he will always consider her to be his daughter, regardless of what the DNA results are.<P>What you should be negotiating for is no contact with the girl's mother. In two years, the girl will be 18 and free to live and travel as she pleases....no need to deal with the mother because of the daughter at all, then.

Who's been paying child support for the sixteen year old daughter all these years? Does your son call you Mom and see you as Mom? Did your son bond with his sister as a sister? Would your husband be agreeable to a six month moratorium on seeing his (step) daughter until you two have worked out the issues in your marriage?<P>Perhaps, Betrayed, you may feel differently about the step daughter in six months when the sting of betrayal has subsided a bit. Do you have a relationship with her these past nine years? Do you like each other?<P>So much depends on getting through the next few months and your husband's sincere commitment to the marriage.<P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^=

Likewise, Betrayed, I agree the issue is not so much the daughter but the XOW contact. I can also understand a person wanting to see someone they think of as their child even if there is no biology involved (think of adoption)... though personally I'd want the legalities of ch-support straightened out before he's hit with back-ch-support! But if your H cannot respect your feelings, try to correct the damage he's done to his marriage, agree to boundaries re: contact with XOW... then he doesn't want his marriage much, does he? He should be putting family first. I know these are devastating things to deal with. My H and I were helped by the Harley guidelines/quizzes on this site and books, esp. "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. <P>Good luck!<BR>Jenny, 2+years in recovery-woohoo!

jenny, catnip and sweetpea --<P>Thank you for your comments. I believe that the society has been misguided to believe that an 18 yr old is an adult. Most 18 yr olds are very much dependent upon their parents, and need consultation with both parents on various issues. The daughter will probably still live at home with her mother since there has been little done to prepare for college. Since my husband is not living in the household with them, he still needs to get permission from the mother to do things with the daughter. My husband will be in contact with the mother for at least five more years. So, I truly believe that waiting until she is 18 yrs old is irrelevant. When the daughter turns 21 yrs old, perhaps my husband may not need to consult with the mother. I said maybe because some offspring are still at home until 25 years old. <P>My husband has not paid ANY child support. Also, since my husband has broken many promises to the daughter, the mother has spoken against him. The mother and I have discussed this in the past. My husband appears to be unreliable to the mother and daughter. I have spoken to him many times about this issue. I wish the mother and daughter could move the South Pole!<P>Betrayed <P>