Since I found out about my h going off with ow and oc last Saturday ,my insides have been churning. Even the paxil isn't working like it should. H is being nice as he has been for months,but I can't just ignore the fact that he has chosen to maintain some kind of relationship with her. Even if it isn't sexual now, there seems to be more of a bond than just the oc.He has chosen more of a savior type path with her.He likes to feel like he is fixing everybody.Saving them. In the meantime, I feel like pieces of my soul are slowly ripping away. H e just doesn't get it. I am prepared to talk to him tonight and tell him that his extra-curricular meetings and conversations with ow have to stop. I can't continue on pretending like nothing is going on. I have to have some peace. THe last thing I want is to separate, but something has to be done.

I think that its good that you are laying down the law. I don't know how you can recover when you are always worried about ow and h forming a bond. My h hasn't spoken to ow in OVER FOUR YEARS (except when absolutely necessary and ALWAYS when I am there) and has not been alone with her for one single second and I still obsess sometimes about the possibility of them having some kind of bond. I can't even imagine what you are going through.<BR>All I can do is pray for you. Let us know how your talk goes. With any luck your husband will pull his head out of his butt.<BR>With love, cd

Blue:<P>Just reading your post sent my insides churning because your husband is sacrificing you and your peace of mind to be a 'hero' to feel better about himself. I wonder how much of this is about the OC and how much is about his desire to be looked on favorably by people who don't matter.<P>As soon as he realizes the only one he has to please, the only one he owes anything to, the only one he has obligations to is YOU, then maybe he will stop jeopardizing your marriage with his attempts to play savior.<P>A good place to start is a Retrouvaille weekend. There he will learn the marriage and you come first and foremost above and beyond anyone and anything else and then incorporate the Harley principles into your life like the Policy of Joint Agreement which will make it evident to him that he must not, under and circustances, have anything to do with anything pertaining to the OC-OW, without your enthusiastic complete agreement and compliance. <P>It's time to get really tough here, Blue...or you will continue to be...Blue.<P>Catnip =^^=

Blue, I agree with CD and Catnip. It has to be a joint effort. If your husband does this solo, it leaves too much room for misunderstandings to occur. You have to be able to get to the point where you can trust your husband again, and your husband has to do whatever is necessary to help you get there. Taking off with the OW alone, and without your consent is very detrimental to rebuilding trust. The OW has only one Savior, and your H isn't the one. If he really wants to "save" something, then he needs to focus on repairing his marriage with you. I'm all for being honest with him and telling him how this has made you feel. Let him know that this cannot happen again. Decisions regarding OC need to be made TOGETHER and with agreement on both your parts. Otherwise it just leads to disaster. Tell him what the boundaries are, and be FIRM! Some men don't like being told what to do, but that's his tough luck. Consequences, gee what a concept.

Blue, I agree with CD and Catnip. It has to be a joint effort. If your husband does this solo, it leaves too much room for misunderstandings to occur. You have to be able to get to the point where you can trust your husband again, and your husband has to do whatever is necessary to help you get there. Taking off with the OW alone, and without your consent is very detrimental to rebuilding trust. The OW has only one Savior, and your H isn't the one. If he really wants to "save" something, then he needs to focus on repairing his marriage with you. I'm all for being honest with him and telling him how this has made you feel. Let him know that this cannot happen again. Decisions regarding OC need to be made TOGETHER and with agreement on both your parts. Otherwise it just leads to disaster. Tell him what the boundaries are, and be FIRM! Some men don't like being told what to do, but that's his tough luck. Consequences, gee what a concept.