Carolyn,<P>I just wanted to thank you so much for guiding me to the other thread when I expressed my hurt over H seeming to choose OC over me. I checked the thread and I couldn't believe that what BYSTANDER said was exactly what my H told me:<P>"Rather than being "good guys," I think a lot of men see this as a competing harms problem. They are aware that someone is going to get hurt, the question is who and how to minimize the damage. Thus rather than be a "good guy," they want to be the "least bad guy" possible.<P>In effect, what they are pitting is a betrayal with the spouse/marital children against the perceived damage to the OC due to no contact. When positioned this way, the decision is a no-win, although you can clearly see why men might decide to have contact with the child. A man might decide that his family's ability to survive and prosper in his absence is superior to the OC's ability to survive and prosper in his absence. And (ironically) this might be especially the case if he regards the OW as a vicious tramp who entrapped him! Because in that situation, he'd regard the OW as essentially unfit to be a single mother."<P>I couldn't believe it! My husband said the same thing almost word for word and he doesn't visit this website so I feel a little better.<P>Anyway, H tells me that everything will be over in a little over a month (alleged due date). H told me that he does not want to tell OW that he intends to be with me and get custody of OC (if it is his) because she is mental and has already threatened to harm the baby. Of course, this could be more lies, but at least H is being honest about seeing OW when she needs something.<P>Anyway, H tells me that our future is up to me--that it is my decision to make. I've already told him that if the baby is his and he gets custody, I will not tolerate her continuing to be in our lives. It is just too painful.<P>Anyway, again thank you so much for pointing out BYSTANDERS' post to me because I used to envy some of the other BS' that post because their H did not want any contact with OC. Now, I don't feel quite as bad. However, I still feel that my future is uncertain. I am supposed to be in Plan B, but I haven't been able to follow through. I pray that God gives me the strength. H has already expressed concern about me moving on and finding someone else. I think that is why he keeps telling me that this is all going to be over in a few weeks. <P>Dolphin<P><BR>

Dolphin,<P>Your situation is very similar to mine. I am very new to this site and it has been a great comfort to me to have what I am feeling validated. My H's A occurred last year and resulted in a pregnancy too. We are doing our best to keep our marriage with 2 children together. OW is due about the end of March. He wants nothing to do with OW, but what if the OC is his (there is doubt)?? My H and I both are concerned how she will raise the child considering her situation, she is married, her husband(who has possible drug and alcohol problems) has filed for divorced because of the affair, but is waiting until the birth. How have you handled OW and your H's contact??? My H says he has not had any contact with her in over 2 weeks or more, at my request. OW does call our home, but she usually hangs up when I answer(my H will not answer any incoming call). OW has ask to speak to him a couple calls and I have said no and she has threaten to come to our but hasn't shown up yet. Any advice you can give...I would greatful. <BR>Jesse<P>

Jessie,<P>Sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. H says that he hates OW, so I couldn't understand why he would keep going to see her. H has told me some really awful things about OW. I know that OW has 4 kids to THREE different men already!!! I also know that childrens' services have already taken her children away from her on more than one occasion. In addition, her three youngest children had lice that my husband got rid of and the youngest girl even had worms that my H took her to the doctors to be treated for. There is alot of other things that H has told me about her that certainly makes me think that I would not want her to raise my child, so I know how my H feels. But, it still hurts knowing that H spends time with her, even if it is just for the baby. H promises me that as soon as baby is born, he is going to demand DNA testing and if baby is his, he is going to try to get sole custody based on her track record. H told me that he is afraid to tell ow now that he is not going to be with her after the birth and that he is going to try to get custody of baby because ow has already threatened to harm the baby. I really think ow is mental.<P>H has asked me to help him raise baby if it is his. I want to be with H, but sometimes I worry that baby will be a constant reminder of the affair. However, therapist has told me that if I grow to love baby, it won't be a constant reminder. Anyway, I still hope and pray several times a day that the baby is not my H's. H insists that he only slept with ow on one occasion and that he used protection. I don't know if that is the truth or not because he has lied so much about the affair. Anyway, I will pray for you, too.<P>Anyway, when H would go to see ow, he kept telling me that his seeing her had nothing to do with her, he just wanted to make sure that she was taking care of herself so that the baby would be healthy. Anyway, now H is telling me that this will soon be over because she is due in March (supposedly?).<P>Sorry that I have rambled on so much, but anyway as far as how I've handled H's contact with OW, it upsets me terribly. Jennifer (Harley) has told me to go to plan B. I did tell H that I didn't want him to contact me until after baby was born and he had paternity test. Unfortunately, I haven't been very strong and I call him. I'm really going to try harder though. However, I don't think that H will really concentrate on our marriage until after the baby is born. H says that it would be like running in place. If we made a bit of progress as soon as ow called and needed something I would be hurt and the progress that we made would be undone. So, H thinks that it is best that we don't see each other until baby is born.<P>I know that H is concerned that I will find someone else, but he says he will never give up trying to get me back. H acknowledges that he has really damaged marriage, but H is very concerned about baby. As I said, H told me that although he wants to be with me, he knows that I can survive without him, but baby won't have a chance if ow raises the baby. H says he wants both baby and me. H hopes that I can accept baby if it is his. <P>So, to sum up the long-winded answer to your question, for the past couple of weeks, I haven't had that much contact with my H. Mostly, we talk on the phone. However, H does tell me now when he sees ow. Like I said, it hurtsme because for all I know, H could be playing games. I'm inclined to believe that he isn't, but it is a possibility.<P>I'm sorry that I can't offer much advice. I think that it is good that your H refuses to answer the phone and that you refuse to let ow talk to H when she calls. As far as ow threatening to come to your house, I would tell her that you are going to call the police and get a restraining order against her. If you have to do that, it would help your case to get custody of baby, if you want custody. Hope this helps.<P>Dolphin<P>

Dear Jessie:<P>I am so glad you found us at this terrible time in your life. Let us help you get through the next few months of pain and uncertainty.<P>We have all been through what you are going through and you will find us in varying stages of recovery, but we will be able to identify and help each other.<P>I hate to say 'welcome' to this infamous little group, but you are welcomed here and we want you to find this a safe haven of comfort where you are free to express yourself in any way you need to and will not be judged. You will learn how to cope and begin the healing process from this terrible, terrible tragedy in your life.<P>There is so much love and support here, we are truly a family and have become very close to one another...we want you to be comfortable here and feel at home.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dolphin, glad that helped you out. It was a long post & had lot's of good stuff in it. <P>Jesse, I am so sorry you have had to join us. But you will find answers here. Please make sure you are reading Harley material on affairs. Surviving an Affair is a wonderful tool. You just have to have rules in how to proceed. It is a key to survival. Otherwise, you will get pulled in all directions. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Dolphin, Takingcare, Catnip.....Thank you for the warm welcome. I neeeed family who understands. My parents and one close friend are the only ones who know the details of my situation. My friend has been a great listener, but I do need someone who knows the feeling. I have read most of "Surviving an Affair", that's how I found you guys.<P>Dolphin, don't worry about the long response, I appreciate it. Because of the OW's lifestyle and her H, my H move out not long after discovering the pregnancy. He thought it was best to take care of her more than his own family. She was like a drug. The whole A was like a drug. He wasn't eating (lost lots of weight), he wasn't sleeping and he didn't care about his job. He actually kept all of his income from us for 3 months (I was able to manage with my income and savings). The move didn't last over two weeks and he was home with great regret. I know everything is just a matter of time and there are no guarentees. We all just have to hang in there and the Lord will guide us in the right direction. My prayers..jessie