about boundaries with ow.He said that they only speak about once a week and it's only about oc.He also said that the situation is a part of his life and not mine. He doesn't want me involved.Nothing is going on with them they don't have feelings for each other.He also said that he has tremendous guilt about not seeing other child more often.He should of thought of that before he slept with a woman whom he had no long term plans for. Neither one of us were angry during the conversation.He also said that he has tried a lot to reassure me and keep me at ease,but he doesn't know what else he can do. The ow may be leaving the country in Summer for good,but then he said he would have to go visit occasionally without me. I don't know what else to say.

Dear Blue,<BR>Your h is obviously not getting the notion that once two people are married they no longer HAVE separate lives. There is no "my life and your life" there is only "our life".<BR>how can he think that this has nothing to do with you? It's actually the other way around. It should have EVERYTHING to do with you and NOTHING to do with the ow. I don't mean to be harsh, but i certainly would not sit idly by while my h went off several times a year by himself to another country to visit ow/oc. Have you questioned him as to his reasons for excluding you? I would just be very suspicious about the whole thing, because if he's not doing anything wrong, why can't you be involved in seeing the oc? I don't think that he is comprehending that you can't have a strong marriage if one of the partners has a totally separate life away from the other partner, even if that life only takes up a small amount of time, especially in circumstances like this.<BR>Even though oc being in the picture sometimes makes contact with ow/om necessary, a basic revised 'no contact' plan should still be in place. I know that if my h and I didn't have some ground rules, I just couldn't be in this marriage anymore.<BR>I'm not telling you to leave or anything, but I don't think you should let him get away with his "I'll do what I want and its none of your business stance." I see that as being really harmful to you in the long run (and probably in the "short run" too.) I think you better buck up for more serious discussion regarding this matter.<BR>-cd<BR>

Blue, I am in same situation with my H seeing child and keeping "seperate life". It is bullsh-t. It will tear us apart. It is what I fear most, him living another life that I am not part of. That is what got us where we are at today. It is critical to us staying together that he stop this. He knows it and I fear he will just get better at hiding what he does. <P>I am so sorry and wish I had good advise. I obviously don't, since I cannot get my H to stop this same activity. It is about boundaries. It is about respect for you. It is about Policy of Joint Decision. All elements of a successful marriage. I am trying to find a way to make them happen. I just wish my H felt the same way. <P>Take care... Carolyn

For what it's worth blue here's my 2 cents....<P>The week after d-day I finally allowed a phone conversation w/H where I asked if he talked to ow. He said yes I wanted to make sure she was going to dr. and taking care of herself. I said why? he said cuz it's my baby and I want to make sure she does what's right!<P>Well..I hung up and when he called back I said all contact and calls have to end here and now if you want me to even consider trying to talk to you! AND THEY DID!<P> She called his cell from a phone booth day he moved home again(1 mo. later) and he told her not to try THAT again or he would bring harassment charges on her. Poof! She backed off and to this day he hasn't spoken to her. His anger just grows and grows at how she "played" him!<P>It's crap that it's his seperate life...heck it's a seperate life that got you here today!!!(the A)<P>It sounds as if he's in the "fog" people talk about. I'd plan B if it killed me. HE HAS TO DECIDE WHAT HE WANTS!!!! You and life w/you or ow and life with C !<P>So go Blue and do your thing...it won't be easy but you have come this far honey.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Blue and Takingcare:<P>I am in complete agreement with both cd and Gemini. <P>Your husbands should not be allowed to exclude you from their relationship with OC and seeing OW without your complete agreement and inclusion. To do so is recipe for a life of misery. <P>It is hard enough when you have the Policy of Joint Agrement in place along with the Rules of Honesty and Protection, but to boldly tell you that the OC has nothing to do with you when it had everything to do with destroying your life, causing you financial and emotional hardship, tearing apart your life and your family as you knew it, is the ultimate is selfishness and the only place to go from here is Plan B.<P>Plan B is a huge risk as it either draws the spouse back to you once he realizes how tough life is without you and starts to miss you and your him and family. Or, it can catapult him into the OW's arms. Either way, Plan B protects you and is implemented for YOU. It keeps you insulated from enduring the daily disrespect of being made to feel you are insignificant in his life by blatantly doing as he pleases by continuing this very, very threatening activity.<P>Hearing this makes me crazy. It is gross inconsideration of your feelings...<P>Time to get tough<P>Catnip =^^=

Blue, yes time to get tough. So sorry he is not getting it. Good luck on this you are in my prayers. with love flowerseed