I am new to the board. I need some advice/discussion from people who have been there.After nearly 25 years of marriage, I just found out my husband has had an affair for 3 years with a woman Unfortunately, as if that is not bad enough, a child was born of that affair, who is now 1 year old.I knew of the child as a child of friend of his, never realizing my husband was the father. He finally confessed to me when paternity was officially established and he is now making huge monthly child custody payments. He realized our joint finances would be affected and he had to tell me. The affair is over, he wants our marriage to work. I think I do too, we have two small children ourselves and want our family together. My problem is the hate I feel toward the child custody payments we now face for 18 plus years . What have any of the rest of you done along this issue? What are your thoughts? At this juncture the Other woman has full custody. I want to keep it that way, In fact, I pray the other woman will meet someone, marry, and ask my husband to renounce custody of the child someday. Please, reply to this post! I want to hear from you.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Dear lsb,<BR>Welcome, and so sorry that you have been put in this horrible situation with the rest of us. I won't repeat my whole story right now - you can read my old posts when you have time - because I know that you have specific questions and are probably very anxious to get some answers back to them.<P>I, too have a tremendously difficult time dealing with the chld support payments. I feel very much as if the ow (other woman) is stealing from me and my children by taking my h's money. This is a lot to swallow, considering that I already feel she stole from me by sleeping with my h. The way I am combatting the ridiculous amount of the cs is by filing against my h for child support myself for the benefit of my own children. you will find that unless you do that, your kids won't count for diddly-squat in the cs figures. Some here have even taken the route of obtaining a "faux" divorce in order to protect their assets.<P>I am probably the last person here who should give you advice on how to handle the question of whether or not to include oc (other child) in your lives and whether or not to tell your children, because I too am so torn and undecided on those subjects. On one hand, I think that we'd all be better off having no contact whatsoever and that our children would suffer if they found out the truth. On the other, I am afraid that not telling our kids may lead to disaster. In our case, the oc is 3, the same age as our second son. In my worst nightmares, I see my second son as a randy hormonal teenager having "relations" with his half-sister without knowing it. Of course I would like to think that my son will grow up to be a gentleman, but I know that my own parents did not know all of what I did as a young adult. furthermore, oc comes from a family well known for screwing anything that breathes, and since my parents and ow's parents live in the same small town, i could just see them meeting someday when both visiting their respective grandparents. Also, to complicate our case more, we have a slight suspicion that oc may be being abused. But we're not sure. Would oc be better off with us or without us in her life? I dont know.<P>A lot of other people here have made clear-cut decisions in regards to visitation/telling their own children. Some go one way on it, some another. Both sides give terrific arguments why their way is the right way to go and I find myself in the unique position of agreeing with ALL of them. so its hard for me to work out exactly what I want to do.<P>My h and I have just filed for visitation of child - that, too is a long story detailed in my other posts - but waver back and forth on how far we will actually take it. We both are hoping against hope that ow's live-in boyfriend will jump in, marry ow, and adopt oc. From all I hear, however, this rarely happens. Why should any ow give up their free ride? They have already proven to have no morals or shame.<P>I guess the most important thing I would advise is that whatever you do, do it together. In our case, my h has no contact with ow unless I am on the phone too, and he won't attend any visitation unless I am along. it is so important that you present to ow a "united front" and that she gets the message loud and clear that the two of you make all decisions, take all actions, as a TEAM. a team, I might add, that she nno longer is any part of.<P>Our kids, 8, 3, 1 and a half, and 4 months, also simmply adore their dad. Makes the decisions all the harder.<P>I frankly am stunned that your h brought oc around telling you it was the child of a friend. Looking back, can you pick out the resemblence at all? i can't even imagine how angry you must be about that.<P>As far as telling other people. some of my family knows, h's family doesn't (they're not close at all) and about 2 or 3 close friends. that's it, at least for now.<P>Please write more. This place and the people here are absolutely wonderful. Once you get to know everybody you'll probably get addicted to having somebody to speak openly with on this subject.<P>-cd

Thank you Cd for replying so quickly. It sure helps to know I am not alone, but I feel for all of us out there in this situation. I had no idea this is such a problem. The other child is now 1 I have read a lot of posts already with some women in this situation accepting the child, some not. I can see both sides too. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, married right out of college, I have been involved with H's family for most of my life. My kids have also met the other child in the context of a friend's child, and has met the other woman as a friend of my husband. He knows I am furious about this, and he admits he has made many stupid mistakes. He has not defended his actions, I know it sounds like a cliche but this aspect of him is so unlike most of what he is, or has been most of his life. He has agreed to no contact with her or the child or my children until we sort this out. It does make me angry about her knowing my kids, <BR>I like your idea of having no contact with the other women unless you are both on the phone and making decisions together. I do have a question about the custody support your are fighting for your own children-can you do that despite being still with your husband and married to him? is that dependant on what state you live in andit's laws? As best I know, my husband's child support case is done, has to pay about 1100 a month or more for child support, was calculated on his income, not our joint income. Could I change that somehow? <BR>My husband says he loved me all along, but felt unloved by me as a lover and sought that out which ended in the affair.Up until this point, we were each other's sole sexual partner ever. OUr sex life was not great, I see that now, for many reasons.The odd thing now is that since he told me, I have been very sexual with him, something I thought I would feel the opposite about. Even he is shocked about my desire for sex with him.An odd reaction, but I think I just want to reconnect with him in that way and erase her from his memory. So many issues.Thanks for listening.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Isb,<BR>I hope you and your H are using or can get a good couple's counselor. Dealing with this is HUGE (HUGE!), and the stress over the OC has (I think) broken up some marriages that might have otherwise succeeded after the affair. The guidelines you can find at Marriagebuilders really do help. I would recommend you and your H not do anything different about OC until you can both AGREE on what you're doing(see Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement, and Honesty!). It's critical that you both show unity with each other to the XOW in any contact with her or OC. <P>Re: telling your children, mine were around 1 and 7 when our counselor advised us not to tell them about the OC until any visitation with OC is going to occur. We live too far from OC to have any visitation at this time. We send gifts and cards to OC and are open to some visitation IF she wants it when she can leave her mother--like school-age. (Like you, we would prefer she were adopted into a stable 2-parent home, but have no control over that.) Getting back to the kids, our counselor pointed out that this is a very adult topic and kids have an entirely different point of view--they want to know it you're going to divorce, if they are somehow to blame or the OC is to blame, what it means for a parent to do something wrong... you need to be in a good place to support their fears before opening this can of worms. Also, younger children especially are not so careful about who they discuss private issues about--another concern. Having said that, our counselor also assured us that telling them CAN be a positive experience; that he has seen parents tell their kids about affair/OC in his office and the kids can see by example how to handle mistakes, remorse(your H needs to be able to say yes kids what I did was wrong and I'm sorry I hurt your mother, our family, and the OC), forgiveness, repairing a marriage, setting boundaries (with XOW/OC), family unity etc.... which is why it is best to tell the kids AFTER you and your H have this all worked out. <P>I have told this story here before, but I had an uncle whose OC lived in the next town (didn't see her but paid ch-support), and when his 4 legitimate kids were in high school, this girl(also teen and curious about her dad's family) came to their school and talked to them! My uncle had died a few years before and my cousins had never been told about OC! Imagine their shock! So, yes I plan to tell my children someday because I don't want them finding out from anyone else. I also don't like secrets. That doesn't mean the bagger at the grocery story needs to know, but it means we can be honest within our family. <P>Glad you found us. Keep posting.<BR>Supportively,<BR>Jenny (2+years in recovery--woohoo!)

Jenny, thanks for telling your story. I agree my husband and I need to be in agreement as to what to do, My husband has been spending all week long trying to find a good therapist for us to work on these issues.Unfortunately, every where we turn, therapists have no time for us or refuse to accept us as a new patient with the type of insurance coverage we have for counseling. It has been incredibly frustrating. and want to move on with my marriage. I wish daily no child had resulted from this affair-I can rebuild my marriage from this affair, I am not sure our marriage can deal with an illegitimate child. That's how I feel now.Thanks for your words. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Isb,<P>Welcome, and I'm sorry you have become a member of our sad club. <P>I too had to russle with the involvement issue. My husband chooses to be involved. My love for him and committment to our marriage has led me to accept the OC into our lives. I personally wouldn't want to be responsible for any feelings of resentment later on when he is overwhelmed with guilt about not being in his child's life. In acceptance I have laid ground rules on communications with the OW that are all run through me. <P>I realize that this child is innocent to this entire situation. I too feel like our household is a better enviornment for the child. And I realistically expect that when she is old enough she will want to come live with us. So... I'm starting now when she's 8mths. old to develop a bond. It helps that the OW feels and refers to me as the Other Mother. Today I said the words "my stepdaughter" for the first time out loud. Wow! <P>Acceptance is an individual choice. Something you have to dig deep inside for. I personally would rather be in control of the situation rather to find out in a couple of years he was sneeking out to do what comes naturally... nurture his child.<P>think long and hard and have long talks with your husband about both of your feelings on the subject.<P>Please come here often and listen to the other's stories and wisdom. We are blessed to have many many success stories to look up to and many wise people who are generous with their insight.<P>Best of luck,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

lsb, Sorry you have to be in this situation. There are a lot of wonderful people here that will help you get thru this. We have no part in the oc life the ow gets child support and thats it. Iam one of the lucky ones that h wants nothing to do with oc or ow. I read something one of the ow posted once that said something like she thinks some of us act like we think oc has no right to even exist. I dont feel the oc child does have any right to exist in my life or our childs. That is one thing the ow should have thought of before she lets herself get preg from someone she has no business being with. Nobody in my family knows of any of this and thats how it will stay as long as it can.Again so sorry you have to be in this mess. with love flowerseed

Isb,<P>My h never wanted any contact with oc and that's more than fine with me. He has to pay child support and we're fortunate enough that ow and oc live in another city. I have no guilt that I wrestle with. I have enough on my plate to deal with, i.e. my own marriage and trying day by day to keep it together (which seems to be going well, Praise God!). I can't and won't feel guilt over a situation that I did not create. I'm fortunate, my H is one of those men who can totally disconnect himself from "ugly" situations and won't lose any sleep over it. He knows what he's done is wrong and is truely bending over backwards (4 years now) to make amends and earn my trust again. He knows that our marriage is first and so are the children that we have. My oldest daughter (18) knows about this situation but our younger daughter (11) doesn't. I don't know if we'll tell her one day, maybe, maybe not. But I'll tell you this much, if/when she does find out about it, I won't feel guilt about not telling her sooner. Maybe my h will, but that's just something he'll have to deal with. Paying the child support is bad enough. There's no way I could ever accept that oc as part of our lives - our marriage wouldn't have survived it. Too much of a reminder of such a lie and betrayal. Too painful for me. I'm just happy that my h never was interested either. He was, in fact, simply a sperm donor. I'm learning to live with that as there's nothing I can do to change what's happened already. Glad you found this board. Keep posting and God bless<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Hello everyone.Thanks for all your input. My anger finally came out last night with my husband, fueled by finding out the OW called my husband yesterday at work to find out if he had told me yet about the affair and OC. I told him I had asked him not to talk with her at all-he says he doesn't want to,the site recommends to stop contact unless united. I hope he obliges or else I told him we are through. Gotta go, keep writing.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Hello everyone.Found a therapist to see us today for a few evaluation sessions.It was very sad-listening to my husband detail how much he missed sex and intimacy in our marriage, and how that had something to do with seeking out the affair. Didn't at all address yet what to do about the child he bore in this affair-I still cannot see incorporating her into our life. I am , I think, committed to working on our marriage, but if it means involving child, I may have no marriage left. H did agree to have no contact with OW-thanks goodness. I hope she dislikes thatenough to keep him away from child.

Dear lsb,<BR>Well, since nobody else seems to be jumping in on the sex topic, I guess I will. <BR> One of the toughest things I had to deal with after the affair was knowing that if I had been there sexually and emotionally for my h, there NEVER would have been an affair to begin with. Looking back, I can see that i totally alienated him. Not only did we not have sex, I even slept in a different bed most nights. In my defense, at the time i was finishing up my last semester of college, and could not afford to miss any of the limited sleep I was getting, what with studying, essays due, taking care of our 3 year old son. my h was working an 8 pm to 4 am shift, so I didn't want him to wake me up everytime he came home. So, yes, I look back on those days and think, "if I had only had sex with him this day, or that day, or on that monday morning when English Lit II was cancelled." It is a bitter pill to swallow anyway you look at it. BUT, as painful as this is to admit, it is also comforting to know, to an absolute certainty, that my h did not stray because he found somebody he loved more than me, or because he was just tired of me, or because he thought she was sexier than me. He simply took advantage of an easy opportunity. In fact, ow has taken great glee in telling me that she set up my h to have sex with her by asking him to go "mudding" in her boyfriend's truck with her and another male friend from work. She made the other friend back out, and once she got my h alone on a mountain road said, "So, do you want to have sex now?" I mean, my poor h was ripe for the plucking, you know. It is comforting to know that he didn't pursue her, at least not in the beginning. I'm not in any way excusing his actions- I tihnk he should have been faithful no matter what- but it makes it easier to understand why he did what he did. You mentioned before how you thought it strange that you are having sex more now with your h than ever before. I think that's pretty normal. for the first year after the a, I was so desperate to "mark my territory" that we joked that I was a seven-eleven kind of girl, because we did it every morning and every night like clockwork (7am, 11pm). Even now, we don't go more than a day or two.<BR>Anyway, I think that it is an important part of the healing process for both of you.<BR>I am so glad to hear that your h has agreed to stop contact with ow. As for deciding whether or not to include oc in your life - Don't pressure yourselves to make a final decision right away. i am living proof that you can take years to really come to that decision, because h's oc is now 3 and 1/2 and we still aren't sure what exactly we are going to do. Does that sound cruel and inconsiderate to the oc? probably, but we try to keep in mind that it's the ow who caused the oc to be in this position to begin with. My suggestion to you is that you first concentrate on repairing the rift in you marriage. put the oc issues on the back burner and get to them whenever you are both ready to approach the whole thing as a team.<BR>-cd

lsb,<P>I didn't always want OC in our lives. Intially I was dead set against it. But I started to look at my husband long and hard. He is the most awesome father. In fact he's the traditional "mom" of our family while I'm the workaholic who comes home from work asking... what's for dinner. The kids adore him and strangers always comment on how good he is with them. Knowing this about my husband I knew I couldn't risk demanding that he shut the OC out. His desire to be a father is innate and can't be denied. And if I kept him from her he would eventually resent me for it. The long term success of our relationship demanded that I tuck in my lip and deal with the cards that were delt to me. I have to remember that the OC is his offspring whether planned or not, whether wanted or not. I chose to support my husband in his choice. <P>I know this isn't for everyone, and respect those on the board who have chosen a different path. Believe me.. there are days I wish the OW and her child would drop off the face of the earth. But that is not a possiblity in this reality. <P>Who's to say his desire is not driven by guilt. If it is or not I cannot say. But I do know what ever he decides he does it with free will and I cannot be blamed for that mistake. I did enough to cause our original problems that led to the affair... I will not do it again. <P>Another reason I chose to support him is my fear of him sneaking around to see the OC (thus the OW). I couldn't bare to know he betrayed me again (even if it was non-sexual). <P>I too am glad someone on the board mentioned the sex factor. Sex with my husband after our daughter was VERY routine. We did it once a week because it was time. I too look back and regret not "doing" more to keep us intimate. Sex with my husband is what connects us. Most of our heart to heart conversations come before and after. We lost that. Now that we have regained our desire to please one another the flood gates of communication are open again. In fact we communicate better now that we ever had in our marriage. I too often feel that "marking my territory" because I want to remind him several times a week why I am the best! LOL. <P>Best of luck with your choice to accept the OC or not. Think long and hard... but don't feel rushed to make a decision because someone on the board is happy with theirs. Do it from what's in your heart and what's right for you first and then your husband.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by zebrababy:<BR><B>lsb,<P>I didn't always want OC in our lives. Intially I was dead set against it. But I started to look at my husband long and hard. He is the most awesome father. In fact he's the traditional "mom" of our family while I'm the workaholic who comes home from work asking... what's for dinner. The kids adore him and strangers always comment on how good he is with them. Knowing this about my husband I knew I couldn't risk demanding that he shut the OC out. His desire to be a father is innate and can't be denied. And if I kept him from her he would eventually resent me for it. The long term success of our relationship demanded that I tuck in my lip and deal with the cards that were delt to me. I have to remember that the OC is his offspring whether planned or not, whether wanted or not. I chose to support my husband in his choice. <P>I know this isn't for everyone, and respect those on the board who have chosen a different path. Believe me.. there are days I wish the OW and her child would drop off the face of the earth. But that is not a possiblity in this reality. <P>Who's to say his desire is not driven by guilt. If it is or not I cannot say. But I do know what ever he decides he does it with free will and I cannot be blamed for that mistake. I did enough to cause our original problems that led to the affair... I will not do it again. <P>Another reason I chose to support him is my fear of him sneaking around to see the OC (thus the OW). I couldn't bare to know he betrayed me again (even if it was non-sexual). <P>I too am glad someone on the board mentioned the sex factor. Sex with my husband after our daughter was VERY routine. We did it once a week because it was time. I too look back and regret not "doing" more to keep us intimate. Sex with my husband is what connects us. Most of our heart to heart conversations come before and after. We lost that. Now that we have regained our desire to please one another the flood gates of communication are open again. In fact we communicate better now that we ever had in our marriage. I too often feel that "marking my territory" because I want to remind him several times a week why I am the best! LOL. <P>Best of luck with your choice to accept the OC or not. Think long and hard... but don't feel rushed to make a decision because someone on the board is happy with theirs. Do it from what's in your heart and what's right for you first and then your husband.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

The Oc in our lives was conceived before we were married, . The affair was actually a one night stand and I have guilt from it. I was suffering from post partum depression, our first son was six months old when I asked my husband at the time,fiance, to leave. He left for a few days and had this one night stand. He returned as I said after a few days and we planned on going ahead with our wedding plans, he found out this OW from one night stand was pregant and never told me. He keep it from me he says in fear I would leave him and not marry him. The OW threated him many times to break our wedding plans up, after we were married to break up our marriage and finnaly when I got pregant with our second child after being married four years she told me about the her child with my H. We are still together and our second child is now two years old. My husband has been paying child support for almost two years. We decided to seek visitation and he will have his first visit this coming week. He told me in regards to the visitation that he would do whatever I wanted fill for it or not. I told him he should and the OC should know him and his half brother and sister, the OW fought him for over a year , but she sure like the large sum of money my H pays. Well I felt the harder she fought the harder we would then fight and he won. From the beginning she has tried to ruin my life and I will not allow her to. My problem now is that since my husband will be meeting the child and after 2 months our children will, how do I share this news with my parents. My husband has no real parents to speak of and truely cares for my as his own. We are so concerned this will ruin their relationship with hi. ANY goood advice. Thanks in advance, I am so glad I found you all I can finally get the support I have been dealing with for two years from others who can truely relate.