I took a huge leap of faith today and I believe I'm on my way to recovery.<P>Today at work, I asked for a meeting with both of my bosses. I told them I will be moving this summer and transferring with the company I work for to Arizona. There's no turning back now. They were both understanding and even happy for me. They were happy to finally see me happy again. I have so many plans for my future and I was telling them about it. I told them that once I had a buyer for my house, I will let them know when my last day will be. I will be putting the house on the market in early April.<P>I also took my rings off and put them in the safe deposit box. I feel naked without them on, but I had to do it. I'll be filing the divorce papers soon too. I have learned from many great people here that I better not leave the state without being divorced first and making sure I have CS settled. I don't trust my H anymore, so I want to make sure everything is in order and he'll have to pay, no matter what. I currently get his military retirement pay, but even that doesn't pay the house payment. <P>I feel two different feelings about this<P>1. I love my H so much, I'm setting him free to make choices for his life, without me in it. Gosh, this hurts me deep down inside, but I do love him so very much. The saying goes, 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours forever.' We shall see...<P>2. I can finally get my healing started. I have been so hurt by my H and I've continued to let him hurt me, by believing him every time he tells me he loves me. It's like I was following crumbs. I need more than crumbs in my life. I need to let the open wounds heal. <P>This is a giant leap of faith for me!! I'm excited about moving to AZ and learning to be happy again. Happy...what is that exactly? I've lost all sense of happiness in my life, I don't know if I can even imagine what happiness feels like again. I do know that I have NO intentions of ever dating or letting anyone get close to me, ever again. My H and I have been together since I was 16 and he was 17. We've been married for 21 1/2 years. My whole life has been shattered, without me having any say as to what happens to me. I now have all of the say in my life. <P>My heart is broken, but I plan on letting it heal now. I can't take the constant 'I love you' from H as he walks out the door, going back to the house he shares with OW. He can't see my pain and most likely never will. It's strange, through all of this, my love for him has only grown more each day. I think it's grown so deep for him that I have to set him free. I was never holding him hostage, but you know what I mean. The man he is today, isn't my H ... not the man I've been with for 22 years! I sure do miss my H though!!! <P>For my own sanity, I'm doing what I believe is best in my life and the lives of our children. <P>Hugs<P>------------------<BR><B>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown~</B>

Butterfly,<P>Well, I am glad that your company is going to allow you to transfer to AZ, and stay employed with them. At least that will be one less stress when you do move. I can only imagine how hard this was for you, the rings, telling your office about moving, etc...You will be a much stronger person for standing up for your life and love. My H and I have been together for 15 1/2 yrs, married almost 12, and I can't picture life without him. I've said it before, but I am very lucky that he loves me as much as he does, and that he is standing by my side in our little mess. I had admitted to him how nervous I am getting in an email yesterday, and he responded that he knows I will do just fine. I guess I'm just a big chicken! Anyway, keep us informed as to where your CS stands, and your move. We will all be praying for you, and your healing. You can make it, however it ends up.<P>Tigger

butterfly- hey, i am in phoenix! where are you transferring to? tigger, aren't you guys from tucson? yeah, more arizonans. i am all alone on this side of the u.s. glad to see i will have some company. if you are coming to phoenix and have a questions about the area etc, email me. happy_girl_az@yahoo.com<P>happy_girl

Butterfly Kisses....just love that name. I do not know you or the background on your story...(yet)...but God Bless You. I am not sure which road is more difficult but I am sure it is the one we all take. Be strong and know we are with you. You are not alone... we are behind you 100 %. <BR>Praying for you...<BR>Broken_Wings

I'll be moving to the Mesa area and transferring with the bank I work for. I'm excited, but feel I'm walking away from my marriage. I have tried everything I can to work on our marriage and nothing seems to work. My H tells me he loves me, yet he's still living with her. He tells me he doesn't think he'll be there much longer, but I've been hearing that for months. It's time for me to move on, but I still feel that I'm giving up on my H. I told myself before that I would wait forever for him, yet here I am planning a move. My kids are excited about moving and so am I. My H told my daughter he'll be moving to AZ also. Why would he tell her that if that's not what he's going to do? He's so confusing and has been for the last 8 months. I wish I wouldn't feel guilty for getting on with my life!!!<P>Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support!!!<BR>Tammy

happy girl,<P>I'll be e-mailing you soon to ask about the area. I don't know anyone there (no family or friends in the area). I'm looking to move to the east part of Mesa. It would be great if we can meet when I get there! <P>Hugs<BR>Tammy

Butterfly, <BR>Good for you. You are one tough cookie. I have faith that you are going to be just fine.Even when we have our h with us after something this awful it still takes along time to learn how to be happy again its something I though I would never be again. I hope this is what your h needs to shock him into reality. You are in our prayers. With love flowerseed

Butterfly,<P>I respect you so much for what you are doing and truly believe you are making the right decision. I also have been married a long time..nearly 26 years..and life without my H seemed impossible, at first. But even though we are working toward rebuilding, I have learned many things in the 2 1/2 years since DDay.<P>Even though I love my H dearly, I have learned that my survival as a person should not depend upon whether or not he is part of my life. It is easy to think that way when people have been married as long as we have, but it is not true nor is it particularly healthy.<P>My circumstances are different from yours in that H has ended the A and sees OW only when we pickup/drop off OC, or so he says. I still have many, many painful issues and insecurities I am trying to deal with, and probably always will to one degree or another. But at least my H and I are living together and he has chosen his marriage over the OW and is trying to rebuild and repair the damage he has caused. Your H has not.<P>Fog or no fog, he has to know that you are suffering terribly, yet continues with the OW, and seems to think that saying "I love you" compensates you for his unfaithfulness. You deserve far better than that, and I admire you for the steps you are taking, even though they are incredibly painful.<P>I often think of how my life would be if I had left (or were to leave) to start a new life w/out my H. Yes, I would miss him and the love we once shared, but I would not miss all the baggage living with him brings. Even when he tells me he loves me, I wonder what that means now.<P> <BR>As hard as this seems right now, I'll bet you look back on this decision as one of the best decisions you ever made. Please keep posting and let us hear details of your situation and "new life" in AZ. We are here for you, and your courage is an inspiration to us.<P>love, anniem

BK,<P>I haven't written to you yet, I have been busy, but I have read your posts. I wish you all the luck in the world. I think you are doing the right thing taking control of your life.<P>I too don't understand what your husband is doing living with that psycho! There is no way I would wait around to see what he wants. You are right, set him free. Than if makes the trip, and stays you will know that you did the right thing. You are in my prayers, good luck!<P>babstr.

Hi Flowerseed~<BR>I don't know how tough of a cookie I am yet, but I do know I have no other choice to make than to move. I know I'm only going crazy staying here! I have a million thoughts that run through my mind every day and I can't make them go away. I think about 'what if this... or what if that... and what does he really thing about her... what does he really think about me... does he really love me... will we ever get back together...' The list is endless, to say the least. I'm sure everyone has either had these same thoughts or is having them. It's enough to drive a person nuts! I just want my mind back and to find happiness again. My H said he did what he did because he wasn't happy, or so he thought. I'm afraid he's truly not going to be happy in life because of his choices he's made and still making. I don't wish him any ill will and I could never hate him. I want only the best for him. <P>anniem~<BR>I do believe my H knows the pain and torture he's put me through these last 8 months. I also believe he's lost in his life right now and doesn't know what is 'right' to do from here on out. I can't tell him what's right and what's wrong for his life. I can only tell him that I love him and I want him in my life, forever. I have told him this many, many times. I have come to a point in my life that I can't tell him I love him anymore (even though I will always love him!!!) because this will just keep the crazy cycle going. He knows I love him, without saying anything. I'm happy that you and your H are working on your marriage and I pray that I'm in your shoes one day soon!! I do hope that I will be able to look back one day and KNOW I've done the right thing. Again, so many thoughts flying through my head, I can't seem to keep them all straight.<P>babstr~<BR>Thanks for the post!! The greatest thing I'll get from moving is knowing I don't have to fear OW (little girl) hurting me, my children or my granddaughter! I'm not afraid of her, but I don't put anything past her either. I have picked an apartment in Arizona that has a security entrance and the option to hook up the alarm system in the apartment. I will be hooking the alarm up!! <P>happy girl~<BR>I'll be writing to you now. I have a lot of questions for you. Hope I don't bore you!! LOL <P>I get the feeling that most of the people here are back with their H's. That is a great sign for me, but I do know that if God doesn't intend for us to be back together, I'll be fine in life. I just can't imagine God not wanting that. <P>Hugs to all

Broken_Wings~<P>I missed your post, but wanted to thank you for the kind words and your prayers!!!<P>Many hugs to you!!<BR>Tammy