In 2 1/2 hours I will be off from work for over a week, a long over due vacation. But this weekend is what I am so anxious for, my H and I are going away together. I am anxious in many ways, we have not been alone for even overnight since before my 22 month old was born and we haven't really been able to be together alone for any length of time since d-day. As many of you know I have had such anxiety/obsession/depression over the unknown in my case. I did let more out than I ever have at our last counseling session on 2/15 last week. I broke down and I let it be known all of the scenarios playing out in my head and what I could possibly do to fix it for me and my girls. I gave examples of cd and catnip, the separation or divorce alternative shocked my H and made him realize I am not going to just sit back and get crapped on. (sorry sometimes I get a potty mouth)<P>Catnip - I did bring up the idea of finding out and we discussed it and I still don't know what to do. I don't think my H would stop me from finding out but I know he and our pastor lean towards kind of waiting and seeing. But my pastor knows I am going nuts and can see the weariness and depression in my eyes. He suggested my seeing a psychologist but I broke down even more then. I have a bad history with therapist type people. Our pastor is so wonderful, a very gifted counselor, that I feel I just need more time and need to let it all out more like I did, because now after being very wear for a couple days after our last session I have feel pretty darn good. (ooo,long sentence) Back to me finding out what is really going on - I guess H and I will really talk at length this weekend and will have no interruptions and we will resolve what we are going to do with the near future here.<P>I kind of had to laugh inside when we were talking about worse case scenarios. H said that the worse case scenario has already passed for him which was him losing his family. I felt so wicked because I didn't feel that that possibility has really passed and that is not the worse case to me. Mine is obvious that she has a baby, it is proven his, she takes us for all we have, H gets partial custody and my kids will be visiting me in the Looney bin. At this point I think I would rather leave. But who knows once I am hit up with an actual situation. Years ago I said I was out the door if he cheated no ifs, ands, or buts, and here I am suffering with my emotional ride.<P>Ok, I better stop rambling and get stuff tied up here at work. I am so excited a weekend of selfish pampering and fun alone with my H and then a week of just being a Mom to my sweet girls. So, I will not be back on line until March 5th - we still don't have the internet at home. I know, I know, how do we survive, but we both have it at work and the last thing we want to do when we get home is get on the computer.<P>Take care all and wish me good luck and prayers for this weekend to be what I/we exactly need.<P>Carrie

Carrie:<P>I hope my wishes for your weekend reach you before you leave...because, more than anything I hope you have a great weekend of rediscovery and reparation.<P>When I read how great you felt after you unloaded all the emotions you have been carrying inside, I let out a huge sigh of relief hearing that the "dam broke". You can't cart around all that raw anxiety and not talk about it and get it out, Carrie...I am so glad to hear that you were able to voice all the dread you harbor.<P>So! On that note, gas up the car, grab a thermos of coffee and head for the woods-literally...I'll be thinking of you and if you're in the neighborhood of Sherwood Forest (that really old log lodge just off 77 by Cragun's and Madsen's) off Lincoln Green, that's where we will be come April.<P>Forget everything this weekend and concentrate on you and J. Let everything else fall away and the nano second anything negative pops in your head or 'visions' or triggers pop up, instantly dismiss them by conscienously saying, "I'll think about it Monday".<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited February 22, 2001).]

Thanks Catnip - I am glad I heard from you before I left for the day.<P>I have your number should I need someone next week and have to reach you an old fashioned way like the telephone.<P>You have a great weekend too!<P>carrie