Hello,<BR>I am new to MB and desperatly seeking answers..<BR>I am the cheater and I have a child from the OM.. I was in and out of the relationship while I was pregnant with his child..<BR>I am back with my H and have been for about a year now.. I made an agreement with H that when the child was born that I would never let the OM see him.. <BR>Well I had my son and he is now 7 months old..<BR>I broke the agreement and let the OM see him for about 10 hours over the weekend..<BR>I went alone without my H..<BR>There is alot of bad blood there.. They have nothing but hate for one another..<BR>I want my H to be okay but i know that he wont if I allow the OM to continue with his visits.. <BR>Do I brake all ties and who with..<BR>I feel like running from it all..<BR>It a NIGHTMARE..

Dear Mirage,<P>Your situation is exactly mine in reverse. My H is the cheater. His XOW and I had unrestrained hatred for each other. When the OC was born, my H promised me also that he would not visit OC. Just like you, he did not see the OC for a while, but then he started sneaking around and seeing her without telling me.<P>I found out and it made things much worse. I can only tell you how I feel as the betrayed and maybe that will help you understand your H's feelings.<P>When I first found out about his betrayal, it was devastating. The fact that there was so much anger between me and the OW made it doubly hard for me to accept that he was going to "co-parent" a child with her. Such an arrangement would have just been too much for me to bear and I let my H know.<P>My H says that he tried to honour our agreement, but his concern for the child was so overwhelming that he felt he had to do something. My H comes from a broken home and he was very affected by feeling he was abandoning his own child.<P>But, Mirage, I feel that he made a decision - he committed to me and to our marriage. For him to again betray me was the ultimate insult. He may feel sad about the situation with the OC, but I don't understand him trading off my happiness for what he perceives will be the OC's happiness.<P>I know I sound inflexible and I am. But, I have to be this way if I am going to protect my own sanity and my marriage. I cannot stay in a marriage where my H has a parallel life with another woman. Your H probably feels the same way.<P>You sound like you and your H really wanted to work it out. I imagine that the OM still presents a certain kind of excitement that you may miss. But, believe me, if you see the OM on the side without telling your H -- he will find out. It may take time, but it will happen. And, the possibility that you will lose your marriage may not be worth the thrill you are getting with visits to the OM.<P>Think about it. Pray for guidance. Think about what you have put your H through and what you have shared together. If he has accepted your child as his own, you have been blessed already.<P>I hope God will lead you to the path that's best for you. You will be in my prayers as you make your decision.<P>- Heavenly

Mirage:<P>I would be someone in your husband's position---my wife had a baby by the OM while we were married (but separated).<P>I'd suggest that you read everything on this site---and further, if you can at all afford it, start counseling with one of the Harleys (Steve or Jenn) by telephone (888-639-1639 for appointments).<P>The first issue is that you're not following the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>. Following these rules virtually guarantees that you and your spouse will be romantically "in love" with one another---and that's the best prevention for an affair.<P>Those rules (read the link) that you've violated are the Rule of Protection, and the Rule of Honesty. You told your husband one thing that you both agreed to, and then you lied. I'm sure the affair was enough of a shock to him. He's come back and is raising this child, and he's slowly beginning to trust you again. You've just kicked him in the teeth. You're going to have to stop this behavior, if you ever want your marriage to last. Even if you don't and you decide to run off with the OM (which I wouldn't recommend), you'll end up in the exact same situation with him, because you haven't learned to be completely honest and protect your spouse's feelings.<P>I would urge you to read up on the four rules for a successful marriage, and ask yourself if they make sense, and if you can follow them. If you can, then ask yourself if you want your marriage. If you do, then you should be completely honest with your husband (if you don't fear physical violence---if it's an issue, than you'll need to do this in the presence of a counselor). The two of you should commit to using the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement</A> which states that you will never do ANYTHING without an mutually enthusiastic agreement with your spouse. This OM's visit was clearly outside the bounds of mutually agreeable.<P>I would also suggest that you need to completely eliminate contact with the OM. Harley likens an affair to a chemical addiction, and people who are in affairs often act like drug addicts in need of a fix. You need to separate, to get through the withdrawal period, and then to start rebuilding your marriage based on the four rules. You and your husband must be as one voice in regards to this child and the OM's involvement (if any)---you can only do this through the use of the POJA and complete honesty.<P>Please consider the counseling. I'm afraid that you'll flounder if you don't get qualified help.

Mirage there is tremendous wisdom on these boards. I would suggest you listen with all your heart to K. Also, you owe your husband an explanation . I have a question, it comes from another similar situation. What would you do if your husband insisted that you give up this child by the om for adoption in order to keep the family together. and I know its not this childs fault. The child deserves all the love he can get. But should your husband be the type of man who could not raise the child of another what would you do?

Joell,<P>Well, I am in a similar situation, as I am due very soon, but my H has chosen to accept this child as his own. We have, however, together given up a child for adoption when we were much younger, and I can honestly say that, yes, it can be very painful, but what is the best intrest for this innocent child? If your H is unwilling and unable to help you raise this child, and accept it as his own child, then, yes, I would give the child to a family that desperately wants a child but cannot have one of their own. In fact, when we first found out about the pregnancy, I told my H that I would do that if it was what he wanted. And I still would, although it would be harder at this time since we have gone through the whole pregnancy with the decision to keep the child. Your H's choice may seem selfish, but you would be more selfish to keep a child in a situation where one of the two parents isn't willing to keep the child. Every child deserves to have two parents that love it with all their hearts.<P>Just my opinion.<P>Tigger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mirage:
<strong>Hello,
I am new to MB and desperatly seeking answers..
I am the cheater and I have a child from the OM.. I was in and out of the relationship while I was pregnant with his child..
I am back with my H and have been for about a year now.. I made an agreement with H that when the child was born that I would never let the OM see him..
Well I had my son and he is now 7 months old..
I broke the agreement and let the OM see him for about 10 hours over the weekend..
I went alone without my H..
There is alot of bad blood there.. They have nothing but hate for one another..
I want my H to be okay but i know that he wont if I allow the OM to continue with his visits..
Do I brake all ties and who with..
I feel like running from it all..
It a NIGHTMARE..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well she didn't follow your advice K. She called to talk to the boys today and when they were done, they handed me the phone. I asked her what she was up to and she said "Nothing." I asked if she wanted to talk and she said "Nope, See you in court", then she hung up on me. She had every opportunity to do the right thing, but she didn't, and still isn't.

Bad day for me. See you in GQ.

The post from Mirage & K was over 2 years ago...

Is Mirage your wife?

Yep. That's her. I hadn't even read this post until this past week.