I need to get some things off my chest..<BR>I have sat here all morning reading these posts.. I am the cheater.. The Liar..<BR>I am not proud of what I have done and I will forever live with my guilt and my shame.. I have torn my kids and my marriage apart.. I sit in a kind of "Silent Lucidity"<BR>Waiting for my world to crash around me again or waiting for some light to go off in this confused head of mine..<BR>I left for reasons..Not for the OM..<BR>Having him made it less lonely..<BR>I am scared to death.. Scared that things with my H will not change..<BR>Scared that in the end I will be alone..<BR>I want you to know that those of you who are dealing with the OW the OM..<BR>You are being lied to Today..<BR>They are there because they choose to be not because they have to be..<BR>If it makes it easier on you to believe that the OW/OM is PSYCO, then to belive that the WS would intentionally put you through that pain, then you really are foolish..<BR>Look at it this way..<BR>The pain that you keep going through, is the pain that the WS will have to face if he or she is made to let go..<BR>I dont know what the answers are anymore..<BR>I pray everyday that god help me find them..<P><BR> <P>

Mirage,<P>This section can be pretty tough on OP's, and a lot of the women here have plenty of anger.<P>But what you said is true. You are a liar and a cheater, and you're going to have to live with that for the rest of your life. My wife is still dealing with the guilt (over two years now), and she STILL has troubles with it. So I say to you that the first order of business is to forgive yourself. God forgives you. Do this for yourself and your family.<P>Once you forgive yourself, the second task is to work as hard as you can to learn how to save your marriage. I'm sure that your husband help you fall out of love with him---that's usually the case in a marriage that's touched by an affair. He will need to change his behavior---or this marriage won't last. But that's not an excuse for you not to start working on it: seriously, committedly, and with all your soul. Consider this the "light" that you're looking for. If you choose any other path then cutting off all contact with the OM and working hard on your marriage (with professional help) for at least a year or two---you will regret your decisions forever.<P>So there's your answer. You need to go back to your husband and work on the marriage. Better that you do it together. Even if he won't, you should do it on your own. Because it's RIGHT. And because it will benefit you, and your children. If in a year or two, you can't make progress in regaining the romantic love that you want, then it's time to discuss other options (a separation---but without dating). You're not there yet---you've got a lot to learn, and a lot of practice to do.<P>If you don't go through this process, you divorce, remarry, divorce, remarry, divorce... That's not a good legacy for your children, and it's not a very nice way for you to live your life.<P>Trust me---this process can work. But you've got to get on board. It's your decision.

Once again K humbles me in his clear compassionate response. but i would like to add one thing. In regards to believing the ow is Psycho - I do not believe the ow is psycho, I do believe that she is purposefully choosing to be evil, in her futile attempts to further manipulate and injure our marriage and our lives. The only pain my h has now is the pain of knowing that he hurt his family by his long-ago actions. Like K said, an affair is like a drug. yes, my h went through withdrawel, but he now has nothing but disgust and disdain for the ow. My h made the choice to leave the ow. He made the choice that he did not want her in our lives anymore in anyway. She is the one choosing to keep sticking herself in our lives, intruding where she does not belong, and yes, purposefully causing us pain. Because of the crazy child support system, my h cannot completely sever his ties with her and go on with his life. He has not the power to make that choice. she does. She could do the right thing and live her own life. You, too, do have the choice to sever all ties and work on ending the pain that you have already participated in causing your h. Shut the door once and forever on the om. any pain you feel at cutting the ties will eventually be replaced with the joy of a solid marriage.<BR>I can see that you are obviously torn between your lust and your conscience. K has been very specific in outlining exactly how to resolve this conflict.<BR>-cd