Don't know if this is the right forum to post this, moderator feel free to move it to another.

I'm 39 and have been married for 9 years to a Japanese woman. We lived in Japan for the first 8 years of our marriage and everything was fine. We had our difficulties that mostly centered around my wifes lack of experience with long term relationships. I often felt as if I was her relationship tutor.
In 2001 we moved to the states and everything went to hell. I was ill prepared for the constant stares, the insults as we passed strangers in public, my wifes daily recounting of run-ins with ignorant members of the public and just the inherent difficulties with adjustment she and I both had to living in the U.S.. I had/have a big dose of reverse culture shock I guess you could say in my case. Couple all this with my need for a great deal of "space" and we had a recipe for disaster.

I sent my wife back to Japan about 18 months ago and I just don't know what to do. We're legally seperated and it scares me to death thinking about getting back together with her. I miss her, we had/have a very intimate connection despite our differences. When we were good we were very good. I just don't know if I want to give up my emotional/physical freedom. Being with my wife was very draining. I'll admit that I was not innocent and did contribute to our problems but it's nice not having had any "problems" these past 18 months.

To complicate matters I've come into contact with a woman I hadn't seen in 20 years that I had had a relationship with. We have renewed our relationship and she knows all about my wife. I do find however that I am reluctant to let this woman "in". I wouldn't think of letting her stay the night in the midst of the furnishings that my wife and I acquired. I am very attracted to this woman but have a lot of reservations. Not about her personally but I guess due to the unresolved situation between my wife and I. It is SO MUCH easier socially with this woman obviously because she and I are of the same race and she is American. We have a common background and point of reference that my wife and I didn't. I find this very comforting as it was sorely missed in my marriage.

I can go on and on about all of this but I am very confused about what the "right" thing is to do. To me I have 3 choices...my wife, my friend or myself. I can sit and make +/- tables all day but I find myself countering each entry. I guess I need someone well versed in these situations who will ask me the right questions so I can sort it all 'cause I surely can't do it on my own. HELP!

that's a tough one.
first question i have.....how does your wife feel? how is she doing over there w/o you?
did you discuss a plan at all when you set her back to japan?
does she want to come back to the U.S. to be with you? what is going on thre?
and..i am so sorry to hear that people were so rude to her...both of you. i would not have imagined that.