What a week everyone. I was supposed to go to couples counseling today with my husband-the therapist made a mistake, so had to cancel the appointment. I was releaved the appointment was cancelled-and upset. I fear we will talk about the OC-and I really cannot accept this child in my life. I begged my husband to have no communication with the OW at all. Finally he called her and told her he would have no contact whatsomeover-and she wondered how she would talk to him about the OC! I swear she expects him to coparent with her-and it makes me so mad. I know my husband feels responsiblity toward the child, but I agree with recent postings-=how can he be any sort of parent if I do not want it. I feel as if it disrespects me, disrespects our attempts to rebuild our marriage. I feare the child will break us up.We are only 2 weeks out of me discovering, or being told by him of the affair and the child. In some ways I feel closer to him-still sexually desire him more than I have in years.And on the other side, I am so angry I do not know what to do with the anger.As I told him, this is so much harder to deal with than the death of my father a few years ago. I really do not think he gets it, since he says he is still here, still wants to stay with me, and isn't dead. How do you all handle wanting to be nice and loving to rekindle the love between you and wanting to scream with anger at your husband? Would love to hear from you.I have told no one of the AFFAir-can't bear it.

Dear lsb,<BR>Back when the affair was going on, I used to wish that my h had died instead. Really. Sick as that sounds, I was pretty sure that I would have been able to handle his death (knowing that he loved me to the end) easier than I could handle the affair (knowing that he didn't).<BR>lsb, I used to be very cynical about counseling - thought that nobody could tell me how to handle my problems better than I could tell myself. But I finally went to a counselor after I got to the point that every time I thought about ow I had the extreme shakes. I mean I shook like an epilepsy victim. And it did help. Now sometimes I shake after we talk on the phone but it's not so bad<BR>Counseling will help. Just try to hold on til you get there.<BR>-cd<p>[This message has been edited by cdcollins (edited February 26, 2001).]

cdcollings, yes, I think counseling will help. I am hoping in counseling my husband can see the pain of having the oc in our life would be for me and our two kids. I tell him this at home, he keeps saying he hopes I keep an open mind about the OC. I do not want an open mind, not when it concerns her. I do not want to spend all our time together talking of the aftermath of the affair, but sometimes it seems so absurd to be talking about mundane things in life with my H-how he does that I do not understand. I agree-sometimes death of my husband would have been better. I told him he killed the life we built together after nearly 25 years-I do not know how it really hurts me. Keep writing.

Havent told anyone of the affair yet? Telling someone/posting it here kinda made it seem a little more real, huh? I understand what you're going through. Trust me, you are not alone here. About 4 years ago, my H had an affair. He broke it off with her to try to rebuild our marriage. We started to work on it and all of the sudden, we found out she was pregnant. The thought of her having his child made me shiver. That made me want out right then and there. He still wanted to try. So we did. She had their son and he asked me whether or not he should have any contact with him. I realized that this child would be a constant link between them, but I couldnt keep them apart. My H would've resented me for it in the long run and their son would hate me for keeping him away from his other brother (my H and I's son). So I left him to his own decision. Now, my H has custody of their son and he lives with us. <BR>The point of all this is, if you leave him to his own decision, he wont hate you for it later. <BR>POJA, maybe? <BR>The child would definitely be a link between him and OW forever. Scarey. Dont let that get you down. He cant take back the past, he probably would if he could. <BR>Definitely seek counseling, this will be a big help. <BR>Hope I was of some help,<BR>I truly understand your dilemma.<BR>Roberta<BR>P.S. Hang in there.

We have a unique situation here on this site as most of us have had more than one discovery date. We have the discovery of the affair, and then we have the discvery of the OC.<P>I found out about the impending birth of the OC about a week and a half after my husband returned home. He asked what it would take for him to make this up to me. What would it take to fix this marraige.<P>I gave him a list:<P>1. Never see, speak to or have any contact with the OW again for any reason<BR>2. Stop drinking<BR>3. Go to treatment<BR>4. Attend Retrouvaille (this is where the priest told us that my husband and I had absolutely NO obligation to the OC except for financial and our first obligation was to each other and to our marriage...that came first and foremost-always)<P>There were more, but nothing pertaining to the OC or the threat this OC represented in our marraige.<P>Do not apologize for your feelings; they are entirely normal. I am over two years into this and I cannot accept the OC on any level yet. I don't know if I ever will. It does not matter, though, because the marriage comes first.<P>Let your husband know in a safe environemnt (counseling) that the prosepct of involvement with the OC is extrmemely threatening to you and will hamper your marraige and recovery, if this is how you feel. Let him know what Retrouvaille proests say about the importance of marriage and spoise coming first. Let him know you are too raw, too wounded and emotionally unable to accept the Oc at this time, if ever, and see what he says.<P>I find it astonishing that wayward husbands are compelled to be involved in a situation that ultimately harms their marriages and families without a Policy of Joint Agreement.<P>This is a tough call. I am so sorry for your heartache. I remember all too well the pain of fresh discovery and the crying jags and feelings of despair. All I can tell you is that what you are feeling is normal and it will get better...especially if your husband puts you first...that's when the real healing begins. It is time for him to put aside his misplaced loyalties and focus on you, who has been damaged the most.<P>As far as rampant sex, don't worry about that either. We all do that, too. I became a wanton tart for a year after discovery, staking out my territory, cementing the relationship and reaffirming our marriage and bonding and getting close to my husband again. I was screwing the memory of the affair out of his grey matter intentionally, albeit, subconsciencously and instinctively. I was very territorial. Not to worry, this adjusts in time as well.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dear lsb,<P>It has only been two weeks since you found out... I did not realize this was so new to you. Two weeks into discovery, I was a complete basket case. I couldn't work, I couldn't function. All I did was cry and feel sorry for myself.<P>My H and I went to counselling which was a tremendous help. I also read every self-help relationship book I could get my hands on. You can purchase some at the bookstore, but the library is also a tremendous resource for these books. Look under infidelity and relationships and you will find many resources that can help you.<P>I learned that I was grieving -- the same as if someone died -- for my marriage which died. Because, the marriage would never be exactly the same as it was and the reasons for that were beyond my control. <P>Little by little the pain gets better. But it took a good 3-4 months before I started coming out of the numbness and feeling again. At counselling, we also learned that it was important for me to get out all of my feelings and questions about the affair, no matter how painful they were. This also helps the healing process and allows your mind to start putting some issues to rest.<P>Some people want to hear some things. Others want to hear it all. That depends on how you are feeling and your own personality. But at this point, your husband must share with you so that you can start to heal.<P>There are several stages that you go through: denial, anger, grief, acceptance. Allow yourself to feel what your mind and heart tells you to feel. But keep in mind that every one of us has been through it and, as impossible as it seems, the dark and raw feelings you are having right now will pass with time.<P>Sex was never better than after discovery for me and my H. Like Catnip said, I believe it is both staking territory and trying to establish a new level of closeness to make up for the violation that has just occurred in your marriage. Thankfully, in my case, it continues today. We are both much more sensual and sexual than we have been since we were young lovers. <P>lsb, you will make it. You will be fine. But this is all very new to you and you need time to adjust and understand what this all means to you.<P>Go slow on the visitation issue. You are not settled enough yet to make such huge decisions. Right now you cannot stand contact with the OC and I believe you are absolutely right. Later you may wish to re-think this position. But do it in your own time.<P>Like Catnip, I have opted for no contact. My H has his own issues from his childhood (broken home and neglect) which caused him to sneak around to see the OC. But, he does not resent me for my inability to be in contact with the OC. Just like I wish the OC did not exist, he wishes that things could have been different. But, he is now satisfied that the OC is doing okay and he is ready to let the OW accept full responsibility for their future (while still using our money!).<P>Go slow and right now take care of you. Your H has had a long time to deal with this situation, you have not. You are the one who needs pampering and support right now.<P>I am praying for you...<BR>love, heavenly <P>

Dear heavenlybody26 and catnip, I cannot thank you both enough for your replies. I really have gained a lot from them,and you echo what I have thought. I feel my husband owes me attention on our life together, if he truly wants us to get past this.The first few days he and I talked about this, he kept wanting to go to counseling to address the issue of the OC-and I told him that was not my priority and for now it would not be. I am concerned with my marriage to him and my children, not this child he accidentally conceived with this woman. I know he had two years to accept this idea, I have had 2 weeks.I told him it could take me years, if at all, to consider any contact with the child, and I still doubt I will change my mind on it. I agree he has to give up child, at least for now, in order for me to work on us resolving all this. We go to counselng tomorrow- I have no idea what will come up but know there is so much to talk about. My husband has been very solicitous and careful with me, and loving, but I worry about his feelings toward the child, It scares me, and it angers me he would put the child ahead of me and our children. I still think the OW wanted a child with him and that is why she claimed when they had "sex" she was in her "safe" time.What a joke. I blame my husband for not taking precautions, but I blame her too. I wanted to be the only mother of his children, not compete with another mother. That upsets me greatly. I would like to know more about what the priest said about the responsiblity toward the OC and the Catholic program you referred to, about REtrouville. What is that and where could I learn more about it and its tenents? I am not Catholic but think I would like to share a Christian perspective on this with my husband for another opinion. I agree-for me to heal, he has to have no contact with her, no contact with OC for now, be with me and my family now. Otherwise I told him he will lose all with us. A thought I do not want now-god knows, I still love him and have felt very sexual with him as you all admit you have been, but this hurts.Keep writing. I do appreciate it.

Dear lsb,<P>I am so glad that you are feeling comforted by writing on this site. There are so many wonderful people here who can give you great insight into what you are feeling and what to expect on the road that you are about to travel.<P>It is good that you are going to counselling. I found that counselling helped to put things into perspective and also allowed my H to speak freely. The fact that there is a neutral party in the room helped bring my H out of his usual quiet self and share some real feelings.<P>Although it does not seem so, you are already ahead of the game because your H wants to concentrate on healing your marriage. Allow him to pamper you and try to talk things out. For a man who is truly sorry, it is also not easy to discuss what he knows is a major error of judgement, particularly when it is sexual, with the woman he loves. He knows that he has been diminished in your eyes and your marriage has been tarnished, so it may not be easy for him to face.<P>Like you, lsb, I also hold my H equally responsible. The OW tricked him - no denying - but he gave her the opportunity by having sex with her. There was a really interesting thread about two months ago that you might want to go back and read about What our husbands believe they can offer the OCs. It was started under my name.<P>One very interesting thing that came out of that series is that your H probably does not intentionally mean to put the OC before you. But, he is trying to look at the option that makes him look the "least" bad. You have a stable home and a loving relationship with your children, so right now he probably feels that the OC is most vulnerable.<P>I cannot emphasize enough that you should give yourself time -- it will be several months before you start to feel normal again. But, believe me, you will. I felt like I had been hit by a train for 3 to 4 months. But then the depression lifted and I could start to see well enough to start making decisions about the future.<P>One of the worst parts for me was also knowing that he had a child with another woman after committing his life to me. In my case, since I was struggling with infertility, it was the ultimate insult that another woman would have the child I was supposed to have.<P>The one thing that this experience teaches you is to truly identify what is important in your relationship. You will be surprised at the new level of understanding you will achieve once you start to look at what went wrong and how you can make it right.<P>Things will never be exactly the same, but some have found a new beginning and a stronger, more realistic relationship at the end of this ordeal.<P>I hope that will be the case for you. Good luck at the counselling session. Try to keep an open mind for now and not to make any serious decisions -- it is too soon and your feelings are much to raw.<P>You will remain in my prayers,<BR>- heavenly

Regarding Retrouvaille:<P>Retrouvaille is French for Rediscovery...a place for troubled marriages. Their website is <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org." TARGET=_blank>www.retrouvaille.org.</A> <P>Though Retrouvaille is sponsored by the Catholic Church, one does not have to be Catholic to attend. A priest is there to listen, comfort, officiate, counsel and speak. At the end there is a Mass said; those wishing to attend may...it is optional. But it is also a special ceremony regardless of one's faith and something no one should miss.<P>The priest we spoke to at our Retrouvaille weekend explained that marriage is the foundation of the entire family. It is the base from which everything else stems from and that each person must consider their spouse first and foremost above and beyond anyone else because unless this bond is secure nothing else means anything.<P>He told us that our first responsibility was to each other and to our marriage. He told us our only responsibility to the OC was financial and it must be this way so the marriage is not threatened by outside issues. That healing our marriage is the only thing for us to focus on.<P>Pull up the website, contact them and find out about a Retrouvaille weekend in your area and let the healing begin.<P>I know you are in an extraordinary amount of pain...a kind of pain you have never dealt with before...it sends you reeling for months, but if your husband and you attend the Retrouvaille weekend, you may get a 'jump start' on the healing process.<P>I am so sorry, lsb. You're too raw right now and in the early stages of discovery to realize that things can and do recover. Nothing will ever be as it once was but you can find a new beginning together and find a deeper more meaningful marriage once you get through the stages and come to accept what has happened to you. You'll be in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=