I feel like a real crud. For some reason, I have suddenly felt a powerful urge to withdraw all into myself. I have stopped answering the phone and have been ignoring the messages friends leave. I do not want to talk to them, I do not want to talk to our marriage counselors (they rescheduled tonight's session - thank God - I didn't want to go at all), I do not even really want to talk to anybody here - as much as I love all of you. I just want to not talk period. Those of you who have listened to me ramble on post after post after post will realize how unusual this is. But I feel like nothing I have to say matters in the long run anyway - so what really is the point.<BR>also, I do not want to eat. I read a newspaper article about fasting and thought "What a great idea. I should just fast until March 19th, our visitation/custody hearing." I do not want to clean my house. I do not want to read. I do not want to win. I want to lay down and let stupid ow run roughshod all over me. Here we are, right before the game is about to begin - I have the definite advantage for the first time ever - and I want to throw in the towel. This is the first time we have actually been so close to victory, and I don't even want to fight the good fight. Why? I don't know. Maybe it is just that the constant waiting, waiting, waiting has gotten to me.<BR>I love my h so much - no troubles there.<BR>I am pretty sure that this is just a stupid "phase" I am going through and that by tomorrow, or the next day perhaps, I will be back to my normal self.<BR>I feel like I need slapped really hard to get back to reality. <BR>Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. <BR>-cd

I don't know why this happens, but it has happened to me too. Not everyone knows about H and OW and OC, but I seem to be avoiding the few that do. I just don't want to talk about it. And I definately go through periods of just wanting to crawl in a hole and be left alone. Maybe hormonal? Anyway, you are not alone in this. Carolyn

The peaks and valleys are something we all have to accept and get used to because they will continue to occur now and then when you least expect it.<P>I have noticed that now I have my husband all to myself and completely devoted to me, I am suddenly experiencing a confusing indifference, that could just be exhaustion. I'm sure it will pass.<P>I think we are all tired, cd. The effort we all put into restoring our marriages takes incredible emotional, spiritual, mental and physical energy and we often do all the work ourselves in the beginning to fix the mess while we are traumatized, heart broken and shell shocked. <P>There is so much to do; there are attorneys, new financial obligations, budgets to work out, counseling sessions, whether to disclose or keep our mouths shut...so much at stake, so much to consider, so much to repair in additiion to our families, jobs, ourselves.<P>Ourselves. The one thing that should be number one. Ourselves. And true to form, we put ourselves on the back burner while we go about the business of damage control. Our nests are threatened, our lives will never be as they were, our dreams become surrealistic and grotesque while we try to incorporate normalcy back into our lives. We try to become self-confident again, working to let go of these new jealousies and insecurities and resentments. It's a lot of work. And it is exhausting, and it is normal to be exhausted.<P>I've dropped from the board for a few days myself just to gain strength because sometimes it is just too overwhelming to be here. We all need a break now and then in order to gather strength. It is only a phase that you will rebound from soon. Then you'll be back mouthing off as usual, like I do.<P>So, don't be so hard on yourself and don't go anorexic over it. It aint worth it. Ride the phase; it will be over soon and you will emerge onto the next plateau; a higher plane of understanding, compassion and self confidence.<P>The most important thing I can think of to do is to be kind to ourselves. We are bloodied and battle worn, many of us suffering from post traumatic stress (I am not kidding here!!!) and the impact of these life altering events have taken its toll. Therefore, attention to ourselves and our needs is paramount for our recoveries. If you don't feel like cleaning your house, don't. If you don't feel like talking to anyone, don't. If a couple movie rentals and a pint of Cherry Garcia comforts you, do it. Whatever it takes. You deserve it after all you've been through. And as long as we just take what we need to restore ourselves and not let it become habit, where's the harm. Look at it as a temporary sabatical of sorts.<P>I've developed a little bit of an entitlement mentality over the past two plus years feeling as though I deserve special treatment to make up for some of the damage I've endured, so I spoil myself-often. I suggest you do the same. Trust me, you'll feel better.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

CD,<P>You're in a really tough battle that has been waging for a long time. It has taken it's toll on you, and that's expected. Take a little time for yourself and "regroup". You sound like a very strong woman, but you're HUMAN…..so there's nothing wrong with acting like it!!<P>This is called "Making Pancakes", and it helps me sometimes. I hope it helps you, too.<P>Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents<BR>pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter,<BR>opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on<BR>the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands,<BR>mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail<BR>on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.<P>Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted<BR>this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn’t know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove,(and he didn’t know how the stove worked)! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon’s eyes. All he’d wanted to do was something good, but he’d made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.<BR> <BR>That’s how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life,<BR>But it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a<BR>friend or we can’t stand our job or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can’t think of anything else to do. That’s when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can’t stop trying to “make pancakes,” for God or for others. Sooner or later we’ll get it right, and then they’ll be glad we tried...<P>OB1<BR>

cd, i have those days too. i think it is just part of the whole process. i get to where i don't want to do anything. want to give up on everything. if you can't post, just read, i do that when i just don't feel like what i have to say will help. bad thing about that is that sometimes what you are feeling, the pain, etc, is just what someone else is feeling. and when they read all that frustration and emotions that so mirror their own, it helps them. so even if you don't think what you are going to say will help anyone, it just might.<P>hang in there cd. you have become such a big part of this place in such a short time. you are in my prayers. <P>and ohbratti, thanks for the pancakes story. it had me in tears. i just love those kind of stories.<P>happy_girl