My H met is his child for the first time yesterday. Some of you guys were curious as to how I was going to handle this. My h has never met his child and this was their first visit. It was supervised by OW and it was only an hour. All went well I am fine. Check out my post in topic names Gabi 1116 and in CD I have some info on custody and visitation. I give more details. I know a couple of you were curious as to how it went and how I am doing, thanks for the concern and check out my other post for more details. All I can say is mother of OC is up to her old tricks. She is sneaky and my H does not think the OC even knew he was his father, MOther was supposed to tell him prior to this first meeting, so the saga never ends and my h has this issue to deal with before next week. As usual is seems this woman can not do anything for herself. I think I am angry at her and I do not like this crap of always playing games, there is a childs feelings involved here how can a mother be so stupid? GABI

Dear Gabi,<P>It is a shame that you and your H have to deal with such a situation. Unfortunately, to some OWs, they believe the child will get them what they want -- a relationship with our H's. <P>Those of us who are married and settled understand that parenting is a huge responsibility even when evenly shared. I think quite simply that most OWs get more than they realized they were getting into, and they are doing it alone. As the rigors of solo parenting become apparent and the father does not offer the full time support that the OW expected, the whole situation becomes tiresome.<P>In some cases, they are no longer looking out for the best interests of the child because the child simply did not serve the purpose intended. This is not true for all OWs -- I believe wholeheartedly that a single parent who has the right heart and mindset can raise a child the same as a couple. But, some of the OWs that I have read about on this board certainly fit the bill.<P>Things will definitely improve when you are able to have more control -- once you are introduced into the situation. Meanwhile, we are all pulling for you and hoping that God is guiding you through the difficulty of making this little boy understand how you will all fit in his life.<P>God bless you and give you wisdom to continue doing what is best for the child,<BR>- heavenly

gabi1116, i am sorry that the OW in your life is a such a self-serving woman. women who use their kids make me sick. it is like a game to them. i feel bad for their children, but one day they will see their mother for who she is. good luck dealing with all this stuff...<P>oh, BTW, did you send me a request for the picture website?<P>happy_girl

Heavenly, thanks so much for your words of kindness and encourgement. I am beginning to notice that you have a great talent for making people feel good and find good no matter how bad their situation seems. Don't lose that you are lucky to have it. I do see exactly what you are saying and I appreciate the advise. It is funny you really hit the nail right on the head in this post. As I was reading it and after I was finished I thought, wow this really describes the mother of the OC. I do believe she does care and love her c, but I also think that she used her preganancy and him as an infant and baby as a tool against my H. You see, my H, at first did not strike back at her for fear and then did not know where they were. Now I think with all he has finally done, he has really confused her and given her a run for her money that I do not think she was expecting. You see she swore years ago he would never see this baby, and she would never be asked for $. After over 2 years she reappears and is in the courts in search of his money.Well she got her money, I do not think she ever expected him to follow thru with this visitation and give her such a huge fight. I do think once I see light at the end of the tunnel and more of these issues are resolved with the visitations things will get easier and easier. The ow will try to make it hard but I refuse to let her beat us and ruin too many peoples lives. Everyone deserves hapiness why can't she just see this and give in, stop fighting and let us all just smile. I am going to see that my family my H and this OC get what we all deserve, if she wants to be unhappy she needs to leave us. It is too funny but the saying You made your bed , now you lye in it, really fits so many of our situations, with these ow. They made their situations but they don't seem to have the mental tools to deal. In my case I wish I could just tell this mother of the OC to grow up shut up and be a adult and mother. Maybe I will get that opportunity someday soon. I have stayed out of so much and bite my lip, as to get the ball rolling and over with visitation, and now that it is court ordered signed by both parties and agreed on, my chance will come and how sweet it will feel.Thanks again for the encourgement it was enlightening and helpfull. GAbi<P>

Happy girl you are right I do believe someday these Ow will all be seen for what they are. I know there are many single moms who are not like this, and I think that is great. I, myself, have a friend who had a child from a mm. She did not know he was a mm and when she found out she got as far away as possible and has been rasing her child on her own and doing a great job.He did tell her he wanted no part of them and she took that as a good bye and went far away and is happy with her wonderful child. I just wish more of the OW would have done this. Anyway yes I did send you an e-mail about info on the picture site. I think it sounds great and can't wait to view it. Let me know if I should e-mail you again, and if you need my e-mail adddress. GABI

gabi,<BR> Glad things went well for your family. Sorry that you have to have such a careless ow to deal with most of them are. You are a wonderful person for doing what you have done. I have a feeling great things are in store for your family. with love flowerseed

Dear Gabi,<BR>I'm so glad it went pretty good overall for your h's first visit.<BR>As per your request, here is a brief summary of my story and where we're at.<P>Affair was over 4 years ago. When h broke it off, ow claimed she was pg. We thought she was lying and we moved from PA to NC to get away from her and start over on our marriage. Didn't hear anything until 1 1/2 years later, when oc was 8 months old. got sued for cs. DNA test came back that it was h's. Took us another year to move back to PA and get visitation claim started. We had 2 supervised 3 hour visits with oc and ow at ow's mother's house. Then ow told us that she wanted to marry her live-in boyfriend and have him adopt oc. Asked if we would back out of her life so that oc could be raised in a stable 2 parent home. Said she would drop all claims to cs. H and I thought that it would be best for oc, so we did. Now almost 1 1/2 years later ow refiles for cs. is getting an outrageous amount - my h is paying more for oc's daycare alone than we paid for 3 of our kids to be at a babysitters when I was working full-time. We find out that although oc calls boyfriend "daddy" there is no plans for marriage and/or adoption, so we refiled for visitation/custody. OW is seriously angry because she thinks we don't have a right to interfere in oc's life at all. She wants boyfriend to be the only daddy, but my h to pay for oc for the next 15 years without ever seeing her. Our visitation/custody conference is on March 19th. OW has never told oc that my h is her dad. Last time she introduced him by his given name only. Ow doesn't know it yet, but I have filed for cs myself in order to reduce the amount she gets. to further complicate things, we have a suspicion - just a suspicion - that there may be abuse going on. So that's where we are in the whole mess. Now OW keeps saying now that she wants my h's rights terminated so that if anything happens to her, we don't get custody. she wants boyfriend and/or her family to keep oc if she dies unexpectedly. Says that she wants h to be declared legally out of the picture with both visitation AND cs. We would agree to that if ow could prove to us that the oc was going to be raised in a safe and stable environment AND if my h was no longer responsible for cs. But we're not sure there is any legal way to do it anyway short of boyfriend adopting oc. But if h's going to be the father financially, we want him to be recognized as the father in all ways. so we'll see what happens. I'd welcome your thoughts on the whole thing. <BR>-cd

Gabbi,<P>I am so glad YOU made it through the first visitation. The H/Father doesn't seem to have the turmoil in visitation that we do. We on the other had have our emotions on the affair that got us at the point of visitation. I commend you on your calmness and maturity.<P>I remember our first visit. I arranged it on Christmas Day. This was not the first time my husband saw the baby though. But it was the first time we saw her as a family. Emotions inside of me were huge, but I held it together for the sake of my kids, my marriage and my peace of mind. Since then every time gets easier. It's almost routine. In fact I think I got the OW almost trained! LOL. She knows the deal and it has a lot to do with the guidelines we set. <P>Keep you head up Gabbi, the hardest part is over! <P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Zebra, I just went back to an old post and re-read this entry from you. Thanks for the reply and the insight, it as greatly appreciated. I have a feeling I am going to need some more in the weeks to come. The second supervised visit for my H was this past Tuesday. I would have posted about it sooner, but the days have been flying lately, and I have been so busy. This second visit seemed to go well, if not better than the first, as per the info my H gave me upon his return. Two down just one more to go. This coming Tuesday will be his last one hour supervised visit , and then his three hour unsupervised visits begin. I have been doing okay these last few weeks, because it has only been one hour once a week, I am just hoping I will be able to continue to do well. My H has had relatively no comunication with the mother of the oc. He has just been showing up at the assigned time and spending time with the 0c. As I said it is only one hour, she, the ow stays in a separate room within earshot. She knows my H wants nothing to do with her, and she has never phoned our home and never will. I am just getting nervous that this may change when the visits get longer and our whole family gets involved. I do not know how I will handle that, I feel so much hate for her, and although much of my pain has gotten weaker in the last couple of years my hate for her has not lessened. I know we are not supposed to hate, but I do despise her, for all the pain she has caused me, and all the blackmailing and pain she has given my H. Oh well, I have been going on and on, I just wanted to complement you on the way you seemed to be handling the visits, and let you know I may need some help in the not so distant future. By the end of April, my H will be able to introduce the oc to us. As per court he had to wait, weeks fly by and before we know it it will be spring. The flowers will bloom the sun will shine and hopefully happiness will stay with us. Take care all, Gabi1116