Cakid,
There is a way you can get your wife to start trusting you, one step at a time. The way is that you put things in place that prevent you from being in the types of positions that have lead to your lying and you make it very easy for your wife to reassure herself when she is feeling vulnerable about trusting you.
Here is an example. My husband got involved with several women he met on the Internet. This behavior of his lead to him telling me all sorts of lies for a very long time. It too is not a habitual liar; the affairs are the only thing he has ever lied about. There are things that he has done to prove to me that he has stopped this behavior and that he is always truthful now. We sat down together and discussed this… we now have a radically honest relationship. We also prescribe to no privacy (read the MB books to understand what this means). We gave each other the passwords to all of each other’s computers, email accounts, etc. Ended all chat and Internet use except for a few activities we both agreed upon. We installed keystroke-monitoring software on all of our computers (
www.iopus.com). To show him that this is not about punishing him,
He accounts for all of his time when we are not together. We call each other several times a day. When he travels he has a cell phone with him. It’s really helped because when I’d start to panic that he was once again out to dinner with a cyber-slut I’d just call him. I knew from the way he would talk that he was alone. It gave me great peace.
I give him the same courtesies... We can check the computer logs, check each other’s email accounts, read each other’s mail…. There are no secrets. It’s hard to lie when a person is an open book. It’s been two years since I found out about his affairs. I still have moments of panic, but to be honest with you I go weeks, if not a couple of months, now without checking the logs or his email. The important thing is just knowing that he is an open book, that he had nothing to hide.
There have been a few times when I got a little weird about it all, very scared. Then I’d snoop like crazy.. out of fear. Then I’d feel like a dope ‘cause I’d find nothing… so with radical honesty I’d tell him. He’d just reassure me that whatever I needed to do to heal was ok with him.
You did not say what you have lied about, so I cannot give you any suggestions on what sorts of things you could offer your wife to make her feel safe. The only generic idea I can give is that of radical honesty and no privacy. The core MB rules are care, protection, honesty and time. If you give check every one of your actions against those rules, you will find that you not only never lie, but never feel a need to lie as you will have nothing to hide.
Ask yourself with every action… if I do this (what ever it is you lie about) am I taking care of my wife? Am I protecting her and our relationship from harm? Since radical honesty is necessary in a healthy relationship, how am I going to feel having to confess this to my wife? Does this ‘thing’ take away from the time and energy I’m supposed to use to nurture my wife and our relationship?
