Hello everyone. My husband and I went to our 2nd evaluation terapy session today.Went ok but I found myself shaking by the end of it. It is nearly 3 weeks since I found out about the affair and 1 year old daughter from it. I still can't stand the thought of the child. My husband and I have been getting closer this week, I really felt he was putting me and my family first. Until last night, when I found out the OW emailed him and he didn't tell me about till I asked. He told her not to do it again and to communicate with me, and she never responded. I told her I don't care, she opted to have sex with a married man and doesn't get the same rights as she seems to think.The email message caused my husband and I to have a huge fight. actually believes in 3-6 months I will feel differently. I told him forget it<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

ISB, I won't be posting here for much longer as I'm moving on. But I wanted to acknowledge your post and try to offer some support and advise. First let me say how sorry I am you're in this situation to begin with. I feel your pain. My H also had an affair and now has a 4 year old daughter. We have absolutely no contact with OW or OC and thank God, we're both (h and I) are very happy with that. My point is, it HAS to be a mutual agreement or it will not work. I totally understand how you feel. I knew that if my H wanted contact with this oc that our marriage would never work and I'd leave. I'm one of the lucky ones...my h felt no obligation to "be there for the child". Some may say he's cold. He's just that way. I find that some men can just do whatever and not look back. He's totally disconnected himself from OW and OC. Oh yeah, he pays cs as he should. He laid, so he's got to pay for it. But no contact or emotional guilt. Anyway, If I had one thing to say to you it would be to talk to your h and tell him that it's going to take a lot longer than 6 months to get over this thing. I'm totally convinced by now that you never get "over it", you just learn to live with things and move on. The pain will "dull" with time but I don't really believe you ever "get over it". It's like losing a loved one when you find out you've been betrayed. In a sense it is a loss...a loss of the intimacy that we all believed we had exclusively with our husbands. That's hard to get back. It takes a lot of work...both of you. Your H has to realize that he's jeopardizing your marriage. It will never work if you're not willing (understandably so) to accept this child into your lives. I don't know if I've helped, but I wish you well. God bless<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Dear lsb,<P>Comfort is so right. This issue is hard enough to work through with both partners working together on it. It is an impossible situation when each partner is pulling a different way.<P>The OW is tired of living in the closet? The nerve of some OWs never ceases to amaze. What should everyone be? Proud of the fact that she had a child with a man who did not want her? <P>If she drops any more hints that she is going to tell your inlaws you let her know that she will be sued for harassment. <P>I understand how you feel about the OC since I have already told you I cannot bear to be apart of my OC's life -- for my own self preservation. <P>As Comfort said, maybe you should point out to your H that it takes a long time for most women to come to terms with this problem. You might even want to show him some of the posts from this forum so he can understand that you are not alone in your thinking. And, your most compelling argument is the one you stated yourself -- he has had so much time to adjust and did so slowly - how can he expect you to accept and open your arms to the OC overnight?<P>Your H sounds committed to work out your marriage. Perhaps when he realizes that he is in real danger of losing you, he will start to think more clearly about the situation. The child is innocent, but what she represents is the farthest thing from innocence. She is a reminder of betrayal and deceit and probably the worst time in your married life together. <P>I am praying that he will hear and see the pain in you from this unwanted intrusion into your happy life and will allow you the time you need to adjust and decide how you can make yourself whole again.<P>Love<BR>- heavenly

lsb:<P>Our Ow was also indignant that no one in our family or our children knew about her or the OC. <P>When she sat in stunned disbelief, horrified that her existance and that of the child was denied, I told her, "No one knows. Not our children, not our family...no one will ever know and if it takes restraining orders to protect our kids from hearing of this, then that is what we would have to do."<P>I can't say any threat, veiled or otherwise, could serve you in any way or just antagonize her and make things worse, but for us, so far....it's OK. I hated to do it but like you, I dread our grown children or our families finding this out. <P>I admit after two plus years into this, I am not as adamant about it as I once was. However, I do not look forward to the day when anyone in the family discovers this 'news'.<P>It takes more than three weeks or even six months to get to a place where you can even consider involvement on any level with the OC. Didn't the therapist tell your husband that?<P>I certainly understand what you are feeling, lsb. And for what it's worth, we all have been where you are now and we can also tell you it will get better. You and your husband need to be far more patient with yourselves and he with you. You've been dealt a near fatal blow and need time to absorb this news and go through the stages that you are just entering into now.<P>We are here for you, lsb. Keep posting and know you are in my prayers and everyone else's, too.<P>Love<P>Catnip

I'm here for you Isb. In early Dec. less than 1 month after I found out,we too fought after a counsel session about H getting involved in oc's life.<P>I remember the horror I felt when he said "I want C to know who I am or some day C will come to me in anger and not forgive me."<P>Oh my goodness...I stood up and cried and said what about me? What about how I feel? He just looked at me like he couldn't understand....<P>Now 3 mos. later he NEVER mentions it. Only I know in his single sessions he's having a hard time w/decision not to be involved w/oc as he knows I will leave. My son has told him he will cut him out of his life....<P>Who knows? Maybe it will be too hard. I don't want to be in the way if his urges are that strong. I don't want resentment to replace love in my marriage. I just know one thing. I will move on with the help of God.<P>You are not a bad person to feel the way you do.<P>As for her threats....Prosecute her as*. How dare she?<P>Bless you sweetie. Prayers to you today.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

lsb,<BR>I cant really add anymore right now that hasnt already been said just that you are in my prayers. One good thing in all of this is you found us so early in discovery. I wandered around lost for over a yr until I found this site. I had nobody to talk to about this, I was so ashamed I thought I was the only one in the world with these feelings. I feel as you also I want nothing to do with ow or her child. I am one of the lucky ones that dosent have to deal with that part of it. If my h did go behind my back and see oc without talking to me first I would have to consider that the last blow and he would be on his own. I dont think he would ever do that but it could happen and if it does I will deal with it. Come here often and we will help you get throu this. with love flowerseed

Flowerseed, heavenlybody26, catnip, gemini1, <BR>Thanks for your comforting words. I know I cannot heal from this over night, and months seems too short for me. I think it may kill our marriage, which I keep telling him. I told him forget it and I said no contact with child or my kids with me or them involved. I fear when we get to discuss this topic more fully, it will get really ugly.I did tell my husband it could take years to get over this, and the therapist just nodded, but we really haven't discussed where to go with this yet, the therapist just seems to be evaluating our relationship and style to see how to repair our marriage.He keeps saying we don't need to decide anything for months, I told my H first we work on marriage for as long as it takes, then the issue of child comes up. I see him agonizing over his mistake, sometimes it pains me, sometimes I am glad he is suffering too. I have lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks since discovery, and I really can't afford to lose any more,I am small to begin with. I told my husband if she does, I will sue for harassment and do anything I can to keep her away from our life. Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you updated as things go.I wish my husband were like some of yours- .<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

lsb,<BR>What the h do these courts think it takes that much money for a child. I can remember when our whole family could live on that amount. Good for you about going after ow if she keeps bothering you. So far I have been left alone but I would go after ow also if she starts up any crap. I can really understand your feelings about protecting your family from knowing any of this. I feel the same way. with love flowerseed

<BR>flowerseed,<P>The problem with CS started when the legislators took the position that children of a divorce should suffer no loss in standard of living. The problem arises because for almost all families, this is simple economic fiction - when a couple divorces, the fixed costs (mainly housing) of maintaining two households is higher than the fixed costs of maintaining one household. So in order to make things easier on the children, what effectively happened is that they stuck the ex-husbands with an unfair bill to make sure that the ex-wife and children wouldn't suffer.<P>OWs are essentially arbitraging on this injustice. The reason is that both courts and legislatures decided that illegitimate children should have the same right to "child support" as children of marriage. Because of this, the OW's child receives the same treatment as a child born of the marriage. This means that a big part of the "child support" is a standard of living component that the OW can use to subsidize her own lifestyle. Because the guidelines are based on income with faulty cost assumptions as I've noted above, you can see the unintended consequence. We are, as a society, encouraging women to have illegitimate children by different men.<P>Bystander

Dear lsb,<P>1200 dollars! That is absolutely incredible. Although the basic feelings about the OC and the reminder of the OW are the main things that keep most of us away from visitation, giving that much money to the OW must also be a bitter pill to swallow.<P>I know exactly what you mean about being glad for your H's suffering. I have spent most of the time alternating between wanting to console him and wanting to see him hurt as much as I do. For me, the answer was forgiveness - real forgiveness. But, lsb, that will take a very long time yet for you.<P>You have so many emotions to go through, so much to talk about, so many agreements to come to. It is much too soon to talk about forgiveness. But, it will come, when you least expect if, if you really want to save your marriage.<P>I am hoping fo ryour sake that your H will re-consider wanting to see the child when he realizes that you cannot bear it. My H felt the same way but when he realized the damage that his decision was doing to me he backed away from the child. He did not see her for several years. At that point, he started sneaking to see her, but the time had allowed me to heal a number of issues about her existence.<P>That "cooling off" period was probably the only reason that I married today. During those years of "no contact", I was able to resolve some of the issues.<P>How do you feel about your counsellor? I ask because I had one terrible experience with a counsellor who was doing nothing for us except taking our money. Like anything else, you have to shop around. Do you feel comfortable and confident that the counsellor is addressing both your needs?<P>Also, why is your husband adamant about wanting contact with the child? Did he have a problematic family background himself? Is it a sense of obligation?<P>I am very interested in the reasons why men believe they can make a difference in the OC's lives so I would be interested to hear why he is desperate to have this relationship.<P>You will continue to be in my prayers.<BR>love<BR>- heavenly