Well, it is over 1 yr since D-day. And it is almost 1 yr since H also told me about pregnancy. Somehow, my greatest fear was my son's having to deal with half brothers or sisters. That was why I never considered divorce before then, even though there were lots of reasons to perhaps have done just that. Anyway, OC was born at end of July. My H and I have tried counseling and Marriage Builders (or at least I tried MB), but we never really came to a POJ on many issues. My H was in so much denial that OC would most likely not be his. And that OW woudl just some how get tired of him and go away, that there was no need for him to tell her to leave. In fact there was risk, since she reports to him & it would most likely be his job. Anyway, I know most of you have heard this over & over from me. Same old story. H kept saying there was no more "them", but later I would catch messages on his cell phone and cards, etc. from her in his breifcase. She even gave my H a children's based book on how to tell your children about your divorce. Any way, I asked him to finally move out after Jan 1. for my peace of mind. He was going to try (supposedly) to finally get her to understand that he wasn't going to be with her. But he wasn't going to tell her that. His plan is to live in a hotel & then she would see that he isn't here with me, but he wasn't with her either. Most of you told me that was a big bunch of BS. I knew it too. Here it is the first of March and everything is still the same. I did aske him the other day when was the last time he had slept with her and he said "since the first of the year". I guess he wanted points for honesty, but it was a very stupid thing to tell me. <P>I haven't been a raving ***** or anything at all during this past year. I did have one fit when he went to the delivery room to be with OW when OC was born (she was all alone & needed support... geezzz...). I have listened to so many tales of "she will ruin our lives if I don't do as she says" that i am sick of it. Literally. Worn so out by that story. I am pissed that my husnad allowed a person into our lives, into our son's lives that now controls too much. He got a big raise and he says 'well, that should make up for the CS she gets". He isn't planning to tell her about the raise. What he doesn't understand is that if she goes to court say... 2 years from now she can claim back support for the time she didn't know about the raise. Plus, that raise would have been nice to have had for us and our boys. Just because I never had the money in my pocket doesn't mean I won't miss it. We pay all our bills and do ok, but I still work. I feel like my money somehow goes to her. Someway, income that I make is propping her up.<P>My H says this is all irrational and that I can just carry this around forever if I want to. Our therapist told him that he thought I was one of the most open and understanding women he had ever met, and that he wasn;t sure how I was managing to do so well with all this. So am I dragging baggage or doing ok? Who knows. <P>I think it is time to call it quits. I am just never going to be able to trust this man and I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with someone who has never been truthful. There is a long history of that. And there was drug use that I found out about this year that I never posted about. God, so much stuff. Is it time to pull out and finish the divorce? Help.<P>Carolyn

TC,<BR>Sorry about your H's total disregard for what is right in the eyes of God and his family. My W has much the same stupid attitude. I asked her today if she thought she would have a relationship with OM and she didn't know. I asked her if she would feel comfortable in a relationship that was based on lies and she said that the actual relationship wasn't, but just how they got to be together was a lie?!! How's that for logic..I guess I'm just too intolerant of adultery, huh? Anyway, what I try and do is just put off making any decision until tomorrow if it's about my marriage. Many times I have been pissed and hurt and just ready to quit, but I wait a couple of days and I usually find a little more strength to hang on. I know you've been at this longer than me and your strength may be gone, but I will pray that you can hang on if that is God's will for your life. Maybe that raise your H is a Godsend for support for your boys, and you DO know about it!!<BR>Floored

I'm so sorry, Carolyn. The tragedy is not only yours and your children's, but it is his tragedy as well. When the fog lifts and he doesn't ahve you for his touchstone to reality, the ability to grow together and nurture your family and share a rich history with the one person who stood by him through life's challenges, he will realize what a horrible mistake he has made.<P>Knowing this will probably be inevitable doesn't help you now, I know. We all worry that this could happen to us as well. Sometimes, I worry whether or not I can stay and fight the good fight. Somehow, our spouses make these decisions for us with their behavior. We are forced to care for ourselves, forced to begin again without them. <P>Carolyn, your husband may come to regret what he has done but by then, you will no longer care because you will have moved on. While you will probably always love your husband, sometimes loving him and living with his impossible situations are two different things. You're in my prayers, Carolyn. Stick around to get through your grief. We are here for you.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

TakingCare,<BR>I'm sorry to see things aren't going so well.<P>I can only tell you I will pray for things to go better for you from this day on.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I am so sorry about this. I know things look so bleak but I commend you on your courage to realize when its time to throw in the towel. <BR>Without a doubt your H will regret his decisions and his lack of honesty. You are now ready to receive more and have more than this relationship has to offer. You are ready to be loved, honored, and treated the way you deserve to be loved, honored, and treated. Oh takingcare I wish you all of life's best. This is not going to be easy but please come here for support...we are here for you.<P>Sending you hugs and kisses

Carolyn,<BR>I completely missed this post until now. Sorry I am so late responding.<BR>I am so very sorry that everything is working out this way for you. I wish that I could think of something wise and wonderful to say to you now, especially since you have come through for me so many times with advice and encouragement. What a screwed up world we live in. I will pray that God blesses you a billion times over to make up for this.<BR>cd

Carolyn ,<BR>I also missed it. I'm so sorry that h is such a fool. I believe its time for you to fly. It looks like he is going to have to learn the hard way. Let him be the one suffering instead of you. I think when he realizes you are not playing his games no more he might wake up it will probly be to late for him. Take care of yourself and do what you have to to find yourself and you will find that you cant believe you wasted so much time believing in his nonsense. You are just to good of a person have to be going thru this I hope you soon find this out for yourself. with love flowerseed <BR>,

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by flowerseed:<BR><B>Carolyn ,<BR>I also missed it. I'm so sorry that h is such a fool. I believe its time for you to fly. It looks like he is going to have to learn the hard way. Let him be the one suffering instead of you. I think when he realizes you are not playing his games no more he might wake up it will probly be to late for him. Take care of yourself and do what you have to to find yourself and you will find that you cant believe you wasted so much time believing in his nonsense. You are just to good of a person have to be going thru this I hope you soon find this out for yourself. with love flowerseed <BR>, </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is sad. I would know how handle that situation. My H had an affair and i was the one who got pregnant. The OW really was upset about that one. She told everyone that I got pregnant to keep him WRONG! It was proably more of surprise to me than to her. I told my H that the pregancie should no way impact their relationship. Just keep hanging in there. Things have a way of working out for the best. <BR>

mon,<BR>I am not sure what your saying. If you know how you would handle what this wonderful lady is going thru please let us know. If there is something in my post you disagree about say so and I will explain. flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited March 06, 2001).]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I really do appreciate it. I am sorry I have not responded sooner to express my gratitude.<P>I have spent the past two weeks in deep introspection. Wondering about many things, but in particular why I have stayed in this marriage and also why he and I ever married to begin with. Why haven't I been able to expect more of him for myself? This last issue is a big one for me. I seem to be unable to put my needs and wants in an equal position, much less in a front position. <P>I still believe strongly in marriage and family. I beleive in respecting both of these.... your own and others. That this is one of the basic things required for a healthy society. That the health and welfare of our children are primarily the main thing we should focus on. But even with these strong beliefs I have to admit that my marriage may be too horribly damaged to continue. My marriage may never have had the elements it takes to form a healthy relationship and family. I have survived too long with the sheer objective of fending off chaos in my life. Every move has been well thought out and the goal always being to minimize the craziness of what I was dealing with. Never has it been about being happy. Not my happiness at least. <P>So... I am taking a sabatical from focusing on the OW and OC, to go back to the beginnings of my relationship with H and why I have expected so little of this relationship. I may still read and try to post responses to others if my experiences have given me insight that I feel can be helpful. But other than that.. I may be quiet for awhile. <P>I am beyond grateful for this forum. I do not know if I could have survived this far without it. So many of my questions have been answered. So many of my fears soothed. On my darkest days I have had friends... always standing by for me. Thank you.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Dear Carolyn:<P>Why you have given so much of yourself, as so many here have, could be something as simple as doing what you thought you were supposed to do: stand by your husband and support him, nurture your family and take care of your loved ones to ensure their homelife is stable and loving. <P>Those were my motives because if my husband and children were happy at home, life's tragedies and twists and turns would be easier to handle and less traumatic if the home base was solid. We did this for ourselves, too, because then we know in our hearts we did everything we could to make their/our lives better.<P>You've done well, Carolyn. You really didn't expect too little for yourself...I believe you were waiting patiently for your rewards to come later after the kids were out of the nest and your husband's career was established, or something to that effect.<P>As traditional women, most of us work this way...because this is what we think we are supposed to do, part of our vows and expectations and duties. We didn't expect to be so short changed.<P>I am glad you are going to focus on your husband and your relationship and put the rest on the shelf for now. You are wise to be redirecting your energies for the most important relationship in your life.<P>God bless<P>Catnip =^^=

takingcare,<P>i am sorry you are going through all this. it is unfair, you are always so kind here, i am sure you are the same in the real world, and you don't deserve any of this.<P>good luck on your sabatical. i hope you find yourself, and that you see the person we all see here, and reach out to her. my prayers for you.<P>happy_girl

Carolyn,<P><BR> I'm so sorry, you are in my prayers. Your husband is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him and he doesn't even know it! What a shame.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg