I'm at my wits end and hope someone can help. This is my second marriage - my husband's first, although we've known each other since high school. We have two children, the oldest being a daughter from my first marriage and the youngest is our daughter who is 2.

His mother has always been the head of their household, and she always resorted to yelling and hysterics to get her way. Even from 300 miles and 6+ hours away, she can turn my husband into a blob of Jell-o. She is also recently widowed.

There is so much to this, I'm not sure where to start. First of all, my husband is "recovering" from an addiction to internet pornography. I discovered this problem and immediately removed his internet access from our computer. My husband refused to tell his mother anything but the fact that he could not email her anymore, and of course - she blamed me for cutting her off from her son.

My mother-in-law treats my husband like a 3 year old. She tells him to "be a good little boy", reminds him how and what to eat when we're with her, etc., ad nauseum. It hurts me more than I can explain to watch my husband being so disrespected, and treated so badly.

We visited her recently, and the entire weekend she ordered my husband around, and screamed at my children. She ignores me, which is a blessing. My husband attempted to talk to her about yelling at the kids and she flicked him upside the head and told him not to talk back to her.

My husband and I have a no-secrecy policy about everything now. We've been through seminars and counseling and our marriage is healing quite nicely. This is the only sore spot left. My husband now has email priveledges back and my mother-in-law writes him frequently. My husband, however, does not write back often and my mother-in-law blames me by claiming that I delete his email or don't let him talk to her. She writes scathing emails about me, and my husband does nothing to defend me.

Now, my husband is planning another family trip to visit his mother over the Memorial Day holiday. I am dreading going, and my oldest has said she doesn't want to go and get screamed at. HELP!!!!!

Oh my, your MIL and my ex-MIL must have gone to the same MIL school. That said, there are also some strong similarities between your H and my ex-H. I feel for you. After dealing with this in my previous marriage and with my own mother, my fuse has gotten very short. In the last few years of my previous marriage I simply would not go around my MIL anymore. I also did not allow my son to be around her unsupervised. I found that some people just never come around.. they just seem to want to be as nasty as they can be.

Are you and your H practicing Christians? If so you may want to show him the part about how a man is to leave his mother and cling to his wife. Perhaps your pastor could help in counseling your husband in his responsibilities in his relationships with you and his mother. You really do need to get some help with dealing with her as a couple. If your H will not agree to that then get help yourself. I know from experience that this can be a huge wedge in a relationship.

”It hurts me more than I can explain to watch my husband being so disrespected, and treated so badly.”

This attitude is not helping your or your husband any. He is being treated this way because he allows it. On the day he stands up to her it will stop or he will curtail his contact with her. I would be more concerned that he is not showing much strength, than that he is being treated badly.

My counselor told me something once that helps me keep things straight… told me to stop acting like my husband’s girlfriend and take my place as his wife. That he is the king of our home and I am the queen.. Deserving of all the respect that comes with it.

In private you will need to tell your husband over and over, very clearly what you and your children need from him… for him to put the needs of his wife and children first before his mother. Be ‘radically honest’ with your husband. Have you read the MB books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”? They might help you negotiate this with your husband.

If your husband will not stand up to his mother there is not much you can do accept take the stance of the gracious and respectful wife and avoid being around her as much as you can.

Some practical things to do:

Perhaps when you visit your MIL you, your H and your children could stay somewhere else.. a friend’s or a hotel so as to not impose on her too much. After all he’s noticed that they try her nerves. Invite her out some so that you are not always on her turf. Let your H visit with his mom and you take the children out so they don’t get cabin fever. When things start going down hill around her you could make some comment about the kids getting to be too rambunctious and you’ll get them out of her hair for a while. Some times your husband could go with you… leaving MIL alone to contemplate what just happened. Then take them to a movie, to a park, etc.

In the case of her mistreating your daughter.. now there’s something that I could not let go. I think I’d find a way to ‘gently’ let her know that you will not allow her to mistreat your children. If she continues to do so she will loose all contact with them.

One thing to be careful of .. women have a tendency to talk about things… we think we can ‘reason’ with someone like your MIL, we want to talk it out with the person. Men prefer action. Your H will probably not be comfortable telling our mom to stop this. And quite honestly she is not very likely to respond to words. If your husband can communicate to her through his actions he may be more comfortable and she may get a clearer picture of things.

Encourage your husband to slowly let her know that by mistreating you and your children she will drive him away, that way she will get the point that there is a price to pay for her bad behavior. I know your husband is a long way from this right now. But it’s a goal for sure.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Thank you, Zorweb!

Your insight is most valuable, and I appreciate you sharing your story with me.

I am a practicing Christian, he is not. We have attempted counseling with our pastor. He was very blunt with my H about his role as husband and father, and that he needs to grow up. He basically told him exactly what you told me about dealing with his mother. He wouldn't hear of it or have anything to do with it.

We just went through an 8 week course from Family Dynamics that worked through the His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters books. It was a wonderful course, and the only thing we're struggling with now is this area.

The last time we visited the MIL, she was screaming at my kids and I told him if he didn't stand up to her and defend the kids it would be the last time they and I visit her. He took her outside (he won't talk to her in front of me) and said he told her to back off and let us discipline the kids. It didn't do any good. She continues her behavior and doesn't care what anyone else thinks.

You're so right about me being wrong when I said I'm sad to see him disrespected. I guess, when I look at that, what hurts the most is that he allows this behavior and won't stand up for himself. Really, he won't grow up - its as if he enjoys being treated like a child.

Your advice about staying somewhere else makes so much sense. Unfortunately, she lives in a small town on the southern Oregon coast and we have no friends or family there we can stay with, and right now we cannot afford to get a hotel room. I have attempted to removed myself and the kids when she gets a little sideways, but she always manages to either tag along, or talk H into stopping me.

I pray that my H figures this out. Until then, I am going to have as little contact with her as possible. Please pray that God will give me strength not to react when I'm accused of something I didn't do, and to remember I don't have to defend myself for something she imagined.