Well, here's what's happened and where i'm at now.<P>i wrote an email to the OW and pretty much told her how i felt. i told her that since she and H dominated the conversation the other night on the phone i didn't get much in. <P>her response to me was shocking. she told me that H loves me. he chose me and his family over her child and her. and that i should always remember that. that his wanting contact with his child is seperate from his love for me. and that he used to tell her how much he wants me to love him like i used to when we were first married. she damn near begged me to love him back. she said she cares so much for him and does want him to be happy and with me is where he'll be happy.<P>i was floored. everything she said was true. H has been telling me this all along. i am sooooooo focused on keeping the OW and him apart that i haven't been focusing on what is going on in this home. <P>i sat back and looked at everything he's done since D-day.<BR>how he's loved and supported me. how he buys me a rose a day to symbolize his re-committment to me. how he breaks his neck to tell me the truth... even when he knows it doesn't taste so good (like her calling, etc.), encouraging me to get envolved with my friends again, all that and more. Then i started thinking about me monitoring his cell phone, the caller i.d. the keyboard tracker i have on the puter. all have turned up zilch. he tells me when he talks to her which has been maybe 3 times since the first of the year. hell, I talk to her more than he does. He made a comment... how can 3 - 3 minute conversations in three months affect the three months of our healing. why do i let it.<P>I have pretty much come to this conclusion. If I spend my time focusing on ME and making ME happy while doing everything in my power to be the wife I used to be. I'm going to be OK. If he wants to cheat again he will. If it's not her it'll be someone else. I can't control that. But I can drive him away by doing the things that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage in the first place. Keeping my arm between them is not going to stop them if that's what they want to do. I should focus on not giving him the "excuse" and giving him the desire to want only me. Then, if it happens again, I will walk away with a clean heart that I did everything in my power to make our marriage a success. If it fails... it will be his failure.<P>He and I talked about this. He was please... hugged and kissed me and said he wanted his wife back. (the one i used to be). <P>I told him I only needed a few things from him. Compete honesty to me. Especially when it deals with OW/OC. I don't want to have to find out second had she called or he called or whatever.<P>And that I needed him to keep our marital situation between us. If she asks how were are doing he should say great no matter what the truth is. <P>He agreed on those points and apologized profusely about the phone convo. Said he got caught up in our arguement and wasn't thinking about what she would think.<P>We also agreed that I will still be the main point person for handling the OC and visitation, etc. And I agreed that if she called I wouldn't get bent. He agreed that if she called and it got to be a habit or about anything other than OC he would nip it in the bud. Not because of me, but because it wasn't right.<P>So I'm alright now. I just wanted to thank all of you who responded so swiftly when I was in pain. I'm going to refocus and reenergize my home and marriage. She will not win in destroying me. I am in control of my self and my personal destiny. Her presence will not be my downfall.<P>I'm stuck with her for the next 17 years. But she will always be on he outside looking in on my beautiful marriage if I have anything to say about it.<P>Feedback is appreciated,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Zebra,<P>I am so glad that you have reached this point with your H and the OW/OC situation. I can only imagine how hard it is when there are others so closely involved in your personal lives, ones you would never choose to have involved. I guess that's where we are lucky, as long as OM doesn't find out about the baby. That is still my biggest fear. My H says that we will deal with it if and when it happens. If that does happen, I hope to be able to take what you have written today, and apply it to our marriage. This person IS only on the outside looking in. There is no way to get around it, so make the best of that situation, and keep focused on what's really important, your marriage and making it stronger. <P>Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Like many have said before, we help eachother with our experiences, whether that is what we ment for the thread or not. This has helped me in a way that I didn't expect.<P>Tigger

zebra,<BR>Oh good who would have thought that this would go this way. Like tigger just said you add so much to our lives. I dont know if you realize it or not but just the short time you have been here you have already made dealing with things in my life easier. with love flowerseed

Dear zebrababy,<BR>I am so happy for you that you have been able to put things in this perspective. I hope I get to where you are some day.<BR>sounds to me like you are going to have a terrific life, because you know what to do to make it happen. I'll pray that God gives me some of the wisdom he gave you.<P>Thanks for sharing that. It gives me quite a bit to mull over.<BR>cd

Zebra,<P>Although I don't post often, I usually read most of the posts. I am so glad to hear that you have come to the realization that if you focus on you that you will be okay--that if H wants to cheat he will find a way. Your realization helped me to realize the same thing. Anyway, as you know, your H must really love you to have told OW that he loves you. It is also a good sign that OW has accepted this AND was willing to tell you! I believe that you and your marriage are going to do well. Often so many of the posts on here are depressing so it is always great when there is a happy post. Thank you for lifting my spirits and giving me hope for my marriage.<P>Dolphin

OMG,Zebrababy.....it's the best thing I've heard all day!<BR>I'm happy for you two!<P>OHHHHH the power of prayer..... peace for now....<BR> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Wow how nice to hear things have turned around for you. I totally agree that taking control and not allowing the OW to bring you down, beat you or ruin what you have is key to conquering things. It really is great to hear so many positive words and thoughts come from you. You really are lucky for the way your H has been trying. Enjoy those roses, I am jealous. My h has been great over the last two years since I found out , but nothing like a rose a day, how neat. I really think you are on the right track, you sound great, keep up the positivity. Positive thoughts are the stepping stones to positive things in our lives. Stay well and happy. GABI1116

Thank you all for your wonder well wishes. I sometime hate having to post about my good days because I don't want to sound like I'm bragging. I do want everyone to remember although today was a good one.... i'm sure there are bad ones around the corner too.<P>I embrace the good ones. And If I can be half the woman I hope to be when the bad ones come around I can stay strong and hold onto all the things I said in this original thread. <P>And if I don't, someone please point me to this thread so I can regather my strength!<P>Oh, an idea for some of you. I printed out on pretty paper a promise to my husband. I'll quote it at the end of this thread. I printed it and posted it on my bathroom mirror to give me strength each morning. That way I start out my day everyday remembering the promises I've made to him. He sees it everyday too, that's the added plus.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My Promise to you Husband. From this day forward I promise to be the wife you hoped I'd be. I promise to concentrate my efforts on my family, my home, and most important you. I promise to work at overcoming my fears, doubts and troubles in my heart. I promise to deliver to you a woman you can be proud to call your own. These promises to you are true from this day forward.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.<p>[This message has been edited by zebrababy (edited March 06, 2001).]

Zebrra,<BR>Please bragg as much as possible we love hearing when things are good. One victory here is a plus for all of us. with love flowerseed

Zebra:<P>Coming home to this news is wonderful to see...I love the small and meaningful victories and revelations that happen to each one of us as we make our way through this journey. You're husband is almost as remarkable as the woman he is married to.<P>God bless, Z, and thank you for sharing your experience to your higher plane of understanding. I needed to hear this.<P>God bless you and your marriage...<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited March 08, 2001).]

zebrababy! How wonderful! But look back at what you wrote... you are basically describing Plan A! This is validation that Plan A does work. It works not only for the wayward spouse but for YOU. And that premise is the one I always focused on. That Plan A is the gift you give yourself. To be free of suspicion, guilt, anger, etc. That when you are in Plan A you give yourself the gift of being the loving person you want to be. The person you really are deep inside. The person we seem to forget about. <P>I have read many times on the board posts from folks who just feel that their spouse didn't deserve Plan A and folks who just kept on going back to lovebusting (you and me included!). It is so hard to give in to Plan A. You sound like you have succeded and I am so happy for you. The gift of love of self and then for your spouse is a wonderful thing. You deserve it. Take care... Carolyn

Z,<BR>Sooooo very glad to hear you are doing so much better. It feels good to release some of the bad and only let in good for a while, doesnt it. Ill keep praying.<BR>Love<BR>bw

broken wings, yes it does feel good. it's like the weight of having to be the policewoman in this relationship is off of my sholders. I have enough to hold up with being a mother, wife, housekeeper, boss, sister, mother, cousing, friend, etc. I have way to many hats to wear to add one more! <P>Taking Care, I didn't realize it until you wrote it, but yes it was plan A. I guess I just stumbled across it without trying. Or maybe the words my husband and the OW were speaking finally sunk in. How I prayed to see the light. <P>Catnip, Glad I could put a smile on your face today. You guys have soooo often put one on mine. Welcome back.<P>I'll post under a new thread about the outrageous thing that happened with the OW the day before yesterday and today.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.