I am having a really difficult time with this. Let me start off by saying that I do realize that the OC is an innocent baby, who didn't ask to be put into this situation, and like me had no choice.<P>I posted the other week in Gen Qustions and in that post came to a scarey realization that I have not been able to let go of. I feel that because of the OC I will never have any "closure" to all this. I really don't like that term, because I will always remember this. But I really feel that if he didn't get her pregnant the odds of me getting past all this pain of betrayal would be so much greater.<P>Having children was always so important to me. I always wanted a big family, and always said that I would have as many babies as my H would have with me be it 3 or 5 or 10! I am very lucky that my pregnancies were relatively easy and enjoyable, except for the last one, which was a living hell to me because thats when I found out. I was so happy to be carrying his first son, when she had already delivered his first son. Now I not only have to accept that I was (unknowingly, of course!) sharing my H intimately, but I now have to share his income, his memory, the time <BR>that he spends thinking of the OC(although he says he doesn't), ect and possibly the time that he may want to spend with him later if he so chooses.<P>I just feel that since this child is his and does exist and will continue to exist, she/he will always be a part of my life. There is that constant reminder which goes off each month when he sends the money. This will never go away, so where is the "closure" in that? To me there is none...<P>When I get to thinking this way I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. This situation is here to stay. It's funny, there are some times that I actually catch myself thinking it is all a dream and then the gut-wrenching feeling that it is indeed real.<P>If only he hadn't gotten her pregnant.<BR>

NGU,<P>i know what you mean about no closure. i think about it sometimes and think that there will always be that reminder, constantly, always, forever. my H has no contact with the OC and we haven't started paying child support yet, but that will start in april. the child is almost 4 so that means that we have 14 years left of the reminder, every check stub, etc. if OW had not gotten pregnant, i would not need a support group. i am totally over their "affair", it meant nothing to him, was just sex, and i know he loves me, i love him, and that we are going to make it through all this. our marriage will survive.<P>but i also know that we will have a reminder forever of the affair. he will have that constant reminder, as he says, which makes him remember how he hurt me, and how stupid he was, and that it wasn't worth it. that he learned his lesson the hard way. <P>i will always have those painful memories of the various d-days i went through. of those times i spent crying, asking why?<P>but i have come to realize that had i left, i wouldn't have all the wonderful memories i have of my husband. our marriage is so wonderful now. we have both grown and changed so much in the last 4 years. i have faith that our marriage will be one of the ones that make it to forever. we both firmly believe that we are in this marriage together, forever, through whatever it takes us through. my husband is a changed man. he knows what he did was wrong, and has never once done anything to make me doubt him. he has steadfastly stood by me in all my crazy moments, been my shoulder to lean on in all this. he listens to me when i talk to him, and i still see the pain in his eyes when we discuss the affair, OC or other things to do with it.<P>i know that having the constant reminder of the affair hurts. especially for us, that child is his first biological child. and for all we know will be his ONLY biological child. double ouch. but i also know that he chose ME and our marriage. and that counts for something. we are a team. we are in this together. we will have joyous moments together, and i am sure we will have to endure hard times too. but i know in my heart that we are truly a couple. through sickness and in health, good times and bad. i believe in my H and in our love and committment.<P>as each day passes, we build more and more memories and moments together. all those things help to drown out those thoughts of the affair. not that i don't wish that i could just turn back time and stop the affair, we all would i am sure. but we can't do that. all we have is what we have. we have to make the best of the situation that we are in. and like that saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. and that is what we are doing.<P>i guess that closure is forgiving everyone involved. and accepting that what is, IS. we can't change what happened. but we need to be at peace with the decisions we have made. and then, i think we will have closure. maybe not the perfect, simple closure we would like. but a sense of closure that we can live with. i know that personally, i have some demons to deal with. and when i finally do, i will be at peace with this all. i know my H has his too. but we will work on them too. <P>take care NGU. be like your name. DON'T give up. have faith that things will get better. pray. <P>sorry i rambled. i often read my posts later and think to myself, what was i thinking??<P>happy_girl

I just read your post thru tears...i'm not really sure what it said...sorry.<BR>My H and I agreed that if she sent him pictures of the baby he would give me the envelopes, unopened. It all began because I said that I wanted to know whenever she contacted him, and he said he got pictures and I asked how he felt when he saw them and he said he just saw a baby that was getting bigger. He says he has no feelings toward the baby. I asked him if he would not open the envelopes and throw them away(yes, I know it is cold, but I think I'm trying to protect myself)....he then asked if i would trust him to do it and i said probaly not, so he said he would give me the envelopes unopened. <BR>I just went to get a snack and saw where the other envelopes were two new ones. One was damaged in the mail. He didn't even tell me they came. I just broke down. This is NEVER GOING AWAY!!!I don't know how to deal with this!!!!!!and I'm starting to feel very defeated.<BR>I want her to stop. No more. But she could get upset and then ask for more money and start to bug him about contact, and I KNOW I can't open that door now...

Dear NGU,<P>I completely understand how you feel. For me the hardest part is that it seems like the affair never totally comes to an end. I am so completely over the fact that my h had sex with the other woman. I don't even hate her for THAT anymore. It's this continual connection with her that drives me nuts. I absolutely hate that she has the ability to keep interfering in our lives. I keep thinking - if it were not for this child, we could close the door on ow forever.<P>A year and a half ago, when we agreed to stop visitation and she agreed to stop child support forever, I was so happy and relieved. I thought that we were finally done with the whole thing. The time that followed that was the happiest and most content I have ever been in my life. My marriage was completely repaired - in fact we were closer than we ever have been before. We didn't have much money to spare, but we were able to pay our bills and live comfortably, if frugally. I hardly ever thought about ow and oc - when I did it was just to wonder when ow's boyfriend was really going to adopt her so that I could relax in knowing that it was over.<P>Then, out of the blue, ow refiled for cs. It was like somebody had dropped a bomb on my life and completely blew it apart. Now we are struggling financially - we bring in far less than what we need to have just to pay the bills because of the new child support amount. We have lawyer bills again ON TOP of everything else. Lord only knows how we will ever pay them. And I have to start ALL OVER in getting used to the idea of having the oc in my life. What I hate about it most is that way back when we first had visitation, I was all right with it. I knew that it was coming and I had tons of time to prepare for it. But this time, I didn't expect it and I am so frustrated about the whole mess.<P>I am like happy girl in that, if it weren't for the fact that a child was born, I wouldn't even need a support group. My marriage in itself is fantastic. My h and I love each other more than we ever did and we get along beautifully. What I need help with is readjusting to the oc situation. Somehow this time it is so much harder for me. it's like I got a taste of paradise during the past year and a half, and I can't stand not to have it now.<P>Anyway, that is my long version of saying "I totally agree"<BR>-cd

not giving up,<BR>I can see where getting pictures would be a problem. What about just not open them and burn them. I couldnt even stand when the FOC was sending letters bugging us once a month about back support we didnt owe. Every time one came it would put me in a bad mood. I think I would tell her not to send anymore. We made it clear to ow that she is on her own not to bother us she choose to keep the oc she can find someone else to play dad. Why did she start sending pic in the first place? Hang in there not giving up it will get better I know you heard that a hundred times but it will. with love flowerseed

Oh honey,<BR>This just sucks doesn't it? Oooh I wish he didn't get her pregnant? How many times have I wished the very same thing. It would be so much easier to get over the stupidity but sweetie dwelling on things we cannot change is a waste of time. We must deal with what is today and unfortunately the OC is part of that equation. I don't know how long its been for you but as cliche as it all sounds Time really is the healer. I promise you that this won't always feel this way. Your H of course plays the major role. With his love, support and continuing reassurance your marriage can be stronger than ever.<P>All I can say is one day at a time NGU and put all your effort into your marriage. As for the letters chuck them in the garbage as he gives them to you. Don't put a great deal of thought on everything. Should I open them? Am I sure he doesn't want to see them? NGU don't go there, just chuck them. And remember take care of you, do whatever it is that makes you feel good. And come here with these thoughts, this forum has a way of helping you put things into perspective.<BR>God bless.

Everyone, I could not agree more. I just wrote my H a letter telling him I think I could get over the affair, with time and therapy, but the fact he had a child with the OW feels overwhelming to me. I do not know how to get over that Someone on the posts asked why he felt so obligated to be there for child-he does not have any childhood issues at all, he comes from a loving family whose parents have been married 50 years. he did not want the child, I just wrote him a letter that I feel the OW and child will haunt us forever. She already is. I emailed her not to contact my husband at all and if she needs to, she needs to contact me instead as was suggested on the posts. She emailed me this long two letters, I know she means the whopping child support payments we are doing. I emailed her back and told her she had wreaked damage on my innocent family, as did my husband, and due to his and her selfish needs they had wreaked havoc on my life. Now her needs and his came secondary to ours. She admitted she did wrong and had no intention of being with my husband, and hoped my husband and I worked it out. I wanted to spit in her face. My husband was happy she was more conciliatory, She also keeps expecting her child deserves a relationship with our two children, and I told her forget it.Actually, after her 2nd email, I decided I did not want further email contact with her, did not want to reply to her email, and ignored it.. I still pray every day she meets a man who can truly be a father to that child The farther into this I get into knowing all this(one month now) the more I feel resolved not to be involved with the OC. I do feel without the OC, I could get over this. My husband and I are having sex now, sometimes it feels great, sometimes I feel empty afterwards, like it isn't about making love because we love each other, it is about having sex to meet the needs he got from the Affair. But we could work on that. I look at my children and know they are the great kids they are because of the unit my H and I have created for them.The thought it becomes broken because we cannot adjust to the OC sickens me and makes me ill. We really haven't gotten much out of marital therapy yet. My H thinks we are repairing the sex part of our life, which he says he did not get in our marriage, I see we had more problems if he couldn't talk to me before he chose the Affair route to meet his needs. I just agree with you all out there. As it is, the monthly support which is 1200 a month for us, kills me and has destroyed plans we had for that money monthly. How much more am I expected to deal with-<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

See my post under is this ever over with Oc involved. I would like feedback from others please about my post.

You're NOT GIVING UP!<P>Happy Girl, cd and Leelee gave you some excellent advice, NGU. <P>It feel as though you will never recover, but you will. It feels like you'll never find 'closure' but there really is no such thing in our particular situation. Besides, closure is over-rated and usually an illusion. Triggers will keep me from ever having the illusive closure we all desire. But, in TIME, the pain will lessen. The feelings of despair will beome fewer and farther between and you will eventually gain an 'acceptance' through your marraige's restoration.<P>I'd burn the envelopes. I think it is safe to assume they contain no cash...so ash them.<P>NGU, your husband has the most crucial role in your marriage's recovery. The more reassurance you receive, the faster you will recover. I'll be praying for you.<P>Catnip =^^=

I want to thank you all for your advice. I can't respond because I leave for Retrouvaille today and not at all ready...I'll check in on Mon. Again thanks for the support...I wouldn't make it without you all here.

Retrouvaille! This is most excellent...I did not know you had scheduled a weekend! Well, be prepared to be amazed, NGU. I am so excited for you...and so eager to hear about the results.<P>God bless you and your husband...you'll be in my prayers.<P>Catnip =^^=

NGU, I hope your weekend went well I am sure you will be reading this on Monday, and that you have already left. (I must tell you that catnip has given you some wonderful advise. Catnip, I must tell you the last post I just read from you to NGU was very inspiring and I enjoyed reading it. I totally agreed with what you wrote and actually although it was not directed towards me it helped me a great deal to see the things that are also true for me. Thanks for always being so inspiring. Your words are always appreciated. Gabi1116