I am just venting, because I really need to. My H just got off the phone with his father, and had some very upsetting news for me. It turns out that his mother has decided to tell more family members what has happened, and is going on in MY life! See, when all this came about, D-day, they were visiting us, so, due to some of the bruising from the OM on my H's face, they needed to be told of the A. We put off saying anything about the pregnancy till Sept, when they sort of forced it out of us. At that point, we asked that they not say anything to anyone else in the family, that if we wanted others to know, we would handle it in our own way. <P>Well, she totally ignored us, almost immediately, and told one of her sisters. Now, I didn't mind that so much, because it was to the sister that I feel more like she is my MIL than my H's mother. Now, my H's father told him that "they" want to tell my H's brother's because "they don't think it's right to keep secrets from other family members." That is were the anger comes to play. I have stated before how poor of a relationship I have always had with my MIL, and this just added to the huge canyon between us. It turns out that she has told another sister(there are 4 girls, including my MIL) who has been basically the same with me as my MIL. Very judgemental in anything I do or say. I guess that this sister may have said something to my H's oldest brother's wife. Can anyone tell me that it is wrong to feel this anger about people being told? Our statement to H's parents was that if we felt that other people, including family members, needed to know, it would come from us. Was that not clear enough that we didn't want them saying anything to anyone else?<P>The fear is back that the innocent involved in all this is going to be hurt the most. I told my H that I am not crying for myself anymore(in regards to my relationship with MIL), but for this innocent child, who my H has chosen to call his own. Also, I made the statement that I now know that his mother will not consider this her grandchild, and when I turned around, my D was standing in the hallway! The kids don't know yet, being only 10 & 8, we haven't told them. I am not prepared to try to explain to them the wrong I have done. I guess that she wasn't standing there very long, and my H just told her I wasn't feeling well. I don't want this child to be treated differently, just because of something that I did, and that is what I am afraid will happen with my H's side of the family. I already have to heal my relationship with my own sister over this. Especially since she may never be able to have children of her own. I can totally understand how she feels, me having this child, and her trying so hard to even be able to get pregnant! I don't blame her at all. But, I chose to tell her, where as, I haven't said anything to my brother and his wife. I also know that I won't be judged by those of my family who do know, and even by a few who don't know, they wouldn't judge me, just support us in our decision.<P>My frustration is that I am now uncertain how I will be treated by my MIL and certain members of her family once we end up back stateside. Or more importantly, how this baby will be treated. I told my H that if his mother decided to treat her differently than our other children, I would refuse to go over there. I will not subject any child to the kind of treatment that I have received over the past 15 years! It's pretty sad when your H agrees with you in a point like that! He didn't say much while I was ranting, and what he did say still makes me want to cry. He said that he totally understands, and the reason that he wasn't saying much is that he also agrees with what I said. Including the fact that even if EVERYTHING was brought out in the open, even though he has been unfaithful many more times than my 2 times, I would still be the one looked down upon by those family members, because I have the "visable" evidence of my sins. It just made me realize how much he really does love me, and how much a fool I was to do what I did. I also told him that I don't think I could even talk to his mother for quite a while. His father is so different about this situation. He was gone all week, and told my H that he called every night "to see if his new grandbaby was here yet". <P>It just hurts so much to feel this way about my H's mother. I feel as if I am betraying my H because I actually feel hate for her at this moment! He has told me that he understands. But, it is still his mother. He is quite upset himself, and changed the subject with his father before he said anything he would regret. Of course, he doesn't have all these crazy hormones coursing through his blood at this time either.<P>Ok, I am done venting. I really went on a long time about this. Sorry for taking up all this space, but I just needed to get it out. Thanks for putting up with me.<P>Tigger

dear tigger, i am really tired, but i will write you more tomorrow. you are in my prayers...<P>happy_girl

Tigger,<BR>I am sorry this had to happen of all times. I think even you you were perfect never did a thing wrong this woman would find fault, if she has been this way for 15 yrs I cant see her changeing. Usually people that are so worried about running all over telling everyone else someones downfalls has problems of there own to cover up. One good thing is his father isnt this way. Its strange how two people can be so diffrent and be married. Sorry I dont know what more to say maybe something will happen in her life that she will see how horrid she is being. with love flowerseed

That is just awful,Tigger. What the heck is her point? To try and make you look bad in front of relatives? To upset your kids? Someone like her doesn't deserve another minute of your time....Honestly....you'd think she'd try to help your family, not viciously destroy things!<P>Girl, just breath for now and pray..... God will take care of all of you.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Tigger,<BR>what a lousy time for your mil to start picking on you. as if you don't have enough stress just waiting for the baby to be born.<BR>I have a hard time with my mil too. One time that we visited recently, she told me how she had just finished making an afghan for one of h's sisters' kids. she said, "Now I have made afghans for every one of my grandchildren, so I can take a break from crocheting for a while." Here's the catch: She has never made an afghan for any one of my four kids. So apparantly, she doesn't consider them her grandchildren. I don't know why that is -I have always tried to be kind to her even though I have heard horror stories about how she treated my h growing up. And he IS her son. so I know a little bit about how it feels to think a child isn't accepted, for whatever reasons.<P>My bet is that your mil just doesn't know how to handle the situation. I am n ot making excuses for her horrendous behavior - I am just saying that it is HER problem not yours - and you have to keep that in mind. You and h need to be very firm in reminding her that the story of your child's parentage is yours and sailorman's - it really is not her story to tell.<P>good luck with that tigger. Don't let her get you too stressed out. Hormones released by stress can actually DELAY the onset of labor.<P>I'm here praying for you.<BR>With love,<BR>cd

Dear tigger,<P>Your MIL sounds just like mine. My H's side of the family knows about the OC, was told that we were opting for no contact and then proceeded to welcome the OW and OC into their homes and include her in family events. Their reason -- regardless of the relationship she has with my H and I, the child is still "family". (Well, we thought we were family too... so what about our wishes and desires?)<P>My H and I could never understand this and like you said -- that is his mother so it was even more difficult for my H to accept. But, unfortunately, we had to maintain only basic contacts with his family due to her position to protect our marriage and to protect our children who do not know about the OC.<P>I have not been writing on the forum lately, but your statement <P>"The fear is back that the innocent involved in all this is going to be hurt the most. I told my H that I am not crying for myself anymore(in regards to my relationship with MIL), but for this innocent child, who my H has chosen to call his own. Also, I made the statement that I now know that his mother will not consider this her grandchild ..."<P>really hit home and brought tears to my eyes.<P>I never had family of my own and so it was important to me to be welcomed into my H's family. I spent many nights crying over the fact that my MIL disliked me from the beginning and, by extension, she treated my children badly -- never sending them birthday cards or gifts... When I saw what was happening to my children, my H and I made the decision to limit contact as much as possible with his family.<P>While I am sorry that we had to take this step, I have since realized that his mother has issues that are deep-seated and which I cannot heal or change no matter how nice I am to her. But I did not want my children being treated differently. I did not want my children to think that something was wrong with them. <P>You are so blessed, tigger. Through your love for each other, you and Sailorman have turned a bad situation into a blessing. Your MIL cannot take away that core of love you have for each other. And please don't let her come close to believing that she can.<P>I know you feel that everything is ruined now because of her telling everyone the truth. This is another betrayal. Your MIL has done something that cannot be taken back and you don't have any control over what she is doing, but still it affects you. (Sounds like my OC situation :}) And, there may be times when some of the "relatives" will make unnecessary and hurtful remarks, but as long as you and your H stand together and make it clear that you will not tolerate any bad treatment of your child then I am sure things will be fine.<P>My MIL, when I see her, is never and will never be warm and friendly, but she now understands the rules. She treats my children appropriately. I hope the same will happen in your situation so that at least your kids can have a basic relationship with their grandparents. <P>- heavenly<P>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited March 10, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited March 10, 2001).]

Thank you all for your responses. I actually got the first good night's sleep in about 2 weeks(helped out by some benedril for my allergies) and feel much better this morning. <P>Heavenly,<BR>One good thing about my relationship with MIL is that she does love our S & D, and "tries" to be involved in their lives. We lived about 10 min away from them before we transfered here, and the kids saw them so seldom. My H and I knew that they would regret that once we moved out here, and we were right. I always try to have nice things to say about her when I know the kids are around, and we don't talke as much about my feelings about her. Although, it has come up a lot more lately. I'm sorry that your MIL put you guys in the situation with her grandkids that she has.<P>CD,<BR>Well, yet another thing we have in common, huh? I can understand your upset about the afghans! That is one thing about my MIL, she basically treats me and my other 2 SILs the same. I guess it wouldn't have mattered who married her boys, no one would ever have been "good enough" for them. I have vowed to never be that way when my children get married.<P>Gem,<BR>I have no idea why she would do this. I'm not sure if she sees it as a way to say, "See, I knew she was a rotten person! Now she has ruined my son's life even more!" That last statement referring back to 13 years ago when we put our first baby up for adoption. I honestly have no idea why this has come about.<P>Flowerseed,<BR>Yes, most people who run about, telling other people's tales have something to hide of their own. I honestly don't hate her, it was just in the heat of the moment that I said that, and felt that way. I really do want to love her, and will keep trying, but I am done being the only one trying, or showing it. My FIL is definately a God-send!<P>I am a lot calmer now. My venting post worked to "get it all out". I was even able to smile and laugh when H and kids got back from the store last night. Thank you all for praying for me. Again, the power of prayer works so well! I will continue to keep you all informed as to how things are going with the baby, and if anything else developes on this front. You are all so special, to be concerned about other's when you are all trying to get or keep your marriages back on the right track. Thank you again!!<P>Tigger

Tigger:<P>I'm so sorry you are being treated so shabbily by your MIL.<P>MIL's are a curious breed. I don't know what the problem is but it seems nearly universal that no one is good enough for their sons. I have been keenly aware of this myself when both my sons married...liked one, disliked one. But, because of the way I was treated by my MIL, I was careful to show no favoritism.<P>My MIL let me know early on that I was not a true "Smith" unless I had been born one or given birth to one. Since I was incapable of doing either, I was relegated to second tier status and my MIL continued her cozy relationship with my husband's first wife who had been the one who had given birth to two "Smiths", even though she abandoned the two baby Smiths and I was raising them as my own. My own son was dismissed becasue he was not a "Smith" as well. So, you see, MIL's are territorial creatures and have their own ideas about who is included in the family and who is not. My son and I were treated politely but we knew we were never really accepted.<P>Your MIL's attitude is curious since you are the mother of her grandchildren. Perhaps she feels she is somehow in competition for your husband's love. Maybe he is her favorite. Who knows? You can't change the old gal, so focus your affection on her sister who is more like a MIL to you and focus on your husband's Dad who seems to be accepting of the situation and ignore MIL as much as you can. Don't give her the satisfaction of your angst.<P>When she sees she can no longer yank your chain maybe she'll stop being so difficult...now is not the time for you to be distressed over what she is and is not saying. Because the child is going to be in your life and not off with the OM or given up for adoption, the truth of it's birth will eventually come out. I just hope that most will not know until you are ready to tell them. It's so rotten she couldn't honor your and your husband's request. He must feel betrayed by her as well. <P>Love,<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<P>We were posting at the same time. I'm sorry that you have had to endure a MIL who would only accept you if you were or gave birth to a "Smith". We do plan on letting the whole family know about the baby's full birth situation, but at a time when it can be "handled" by all our children. I know that our S & D will have no problem with accepting her, but may have problems with how it came about, and that's how it should be with all the family members. My H's aunt has even called, the one that I feel closer to, and spoke with me for about a half and hour. This was a couple weeks ago. Not once did she accuse me or my H for what we have done. She has an adopted child who has now divorced her H after having an affair with someone at her work. We'll just have to see what happens, but that is a ways down the road. Thank you for your support,<P>Tigger