It has been a month since I found out about the affair and OC. I have ups and downs. My H has been trying to be very affectionate, attentive, etc. I vacilate between accepting his attempts and overwhelming fury at him. He says he is getting depressed about all this. Good for him. Me too. . I told him I do not feel sorry for the OC or OW-the OC's parents made a big mistake, and for that I think the life she has is not neat and cozy. I said I feel more sorry for me and my two children-ages 8 and 4- who are being subjected to a horror we are total victims to. He agreed that was true,. He wrote me an email message says he rarely if ever thinks of the OW. In fact he does not really want to give her up. I think I hate he had a child with another woman. I always thought I would be the only mother of his children. NOw that is not so. I hate that and it pains me so. If I had no contact with OC and my husband had no contact, I think I could heal from this. The OC situation makes that so much more complicated. I keep reminding him he kept the affair and his life with OW separate from his life with me and our children and had no trouble doing that for 3 years. I know at some level I feel he has to pay for hurting me and the kids. I watch our life with them and am frightened he will ruin our life for them We go to our 3rd marital therapy session this week-I worry the OC will come up, and we will both be upset. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 19, 2001).]

Dear lsb,<P>I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with so many issues. But, I can say that they are the issues that every one of us struggled with when we found out.<P>You and I are similar in our thinking. I have not been able to bear contact with the OC for a million different reasons -- many of which you spoke of in your post.<P>I cannot consider the OC to be on the same pedestal as children from the marriage and I also never want my children to know about her. But, like your H said, my biggest fear is that someone with unkind motives will tell them in a way that will make them despise their father. Right now he has a very loving relationship with our children and I don't want anything to destroy that.<P>Keep talking to your husband. Use the questions that cdcollins has posted for Gemini1 to guide you in finding out what is really in the back of his mind. Why is he so persistent in wanting to see the OC? Is it just that he bonded with her or is there something else deep-seated about the way he was brought up, or his feelings of responsibility.<P>You will be surprised what you may hear if you allow him to express himself and you listen without anger. <P>Like you, I also do not believe that the OC has the right to be admitted to all family events. If the H and W can agree to contact that is one thing. But when one feels as strongly as you do, it is like being slapped in the face to have this OC pushed on you.<P>It is wonderful that you and your H are communicating at least. That always opens the door to a better understanding. Try to find out what he believes that his limited presence in her life can give the OC.<P>My prayers are with you as you sort out these difficult emotions. Just know everything you are going through is absolutely normal and we have all been where you are.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I always thought I would be the only mother of his children. NOw that is not so<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ISB, I still feel that way 4 mos. later. ow did not have baby yet. It is the single most hurt I feel. I said that with tears to my H today. He said he knows and feels the same, but he had no way of stopping her. If he could have he would and I think your H would too. Heck, I think all the ws would!<P>I, too said oc will not be at family functions....he agreed.<P>All I can say is I don't know how I will feel waiting for a paternity test. I will cling to my H even more and we will need each others help.<P>We are going to see an attorney soon to find out his and my rights in this mess....to be prepared for what may happen.<P>Please know your H chooses you. Some wise woman here told me to always remember that. I will and I treasure that. They were not completely lost in A. They came through knowing it was us they loved all along.<P>Keep it in mind and pray......<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....