Okay, where do I begin... I have only one brother, four years older, who is married to a very difficult and anti-social woman who also carries a chip on her shoulder about being bi-racial.
I don't want to lose contact with my brother because he is the only family I have left. He has two beautiful children that I would like to see but I cannot put myself through the bad treatment I receive everytime I am around his wife.
There is also some bad history between my brother and me, for which I have apologized. I used to have problems surrounding alcohol abuse but have since changed. I am now holding down a very good career and marriage. I haven't been a victim for a long time but feel like one everytime I have contact with my brother and his wife. I am also harboring resentment because, although I have tried to clear the air between us by apologizing, I never get any reply. My brother is not perfect either and I can point the finger to some very hurtful things he has done to me in the past.
Anyway, I would like some tips on how I should clear the air with him. Do I do it in an e-mail? Otherwise we play phone tag and I lose the opportunity. I have even given up and stopped phoning him, but then he calls and will suggest we get together. He is an attorney, so is his wife, and I think they have the monopoly on avoidance and manipulative tactics. That gets me boiling because I do not like to be manipulated. I feel like I just want to 'get it all out' on the table, whether I lose contact with him or not. Because, at the end of the day, it isn't a healthy relationship to have if I cannot be myself around him and have to keep apologizing for the past. Any suggestions?

I'm sorry your hurting..

Something that may help is knowing that YOU have already apologized..he's apparently accepted the apology as he continues to contact you..he just hasn't given a verbal confirmation..

a verbal confirmation doesn't always come..can you learn to accept that?

I understand that you've apologized, but have you also asked forgiveness? Have you said to your brother, "I am really sorry about the past hurt's I have caused you, will you forgive me?

An "I'm sorry for hurting you" is wonderful..but it's left open to no response..because your not asking anything of them..when you add the "Will you forgive me?" it gives them an opportunity of having something to respond back to..

They could say..Okay, Apology accepted..but not everyone does..

A "Will 'YOU' forgive me" is asking something of them in return..where they can either say "Yes, or No"

So, If you feel the need to be forgiven then ask for that forgiveness..don't just say "I'm sorry,
I hurt you"

I think that asking for forgiveness, opens the door for healing a relationship a lot more so than just saying "I'm sorry"

Here's an example--- how do these sound to you?

You-- "B, I'm sorry that I hurt you"

Brother- hmmm..okay

You--"B, I'm sorry that I hurt you when I did/said _____, will you forgive me?"

Brother--"It's okay S, I know I've hurt you in the past also, yes, I forgive you, will you forgive me too?"

You- "yes, I forgive you too"

And you give each other a huge embrace..

Do you see the difference in those comments? The first requires no action from the offended party..
the second one does..

And as far as your SIL--you might ask her if you have done anything to offend her also--and if so
apologize to her and ask her forgiveness as well..

And you may find it helps take your relationship to the level your looking for..

Hope this helps..

Thanks, you have given some good advise. Yes, I apologized from my heart. I actually said that I had hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive me and that I was deeply sorry. No, I didn't really receive any confirmation at the time. Only that he had hoped I was now happy.
But that is not unusual for my family, they never clear the air about anything.
My brother has done alot of hurtful things, too.
He was in the position to offer me alot of help when I was at rock bottom. Instead he told me to file for my own divorce (he and his wife are both attorneys). I had no money to hire one at the time.
Also, he has no regard for my feelings.

Anyway, I had decided to send him an e-mail in which I calmly explained my feelings and asked for clarification so that we may either work things out or discontinue our relationship should he feel that he doesn't see me any differently.
He sent me a reply that was very angry, intimidating and insulting. And he never addressed any of my issues.
I have decided to move on now. I sent him a rebutal email and basically told him to kiss off.
My adult relationships are going to be on my terms and to the benefit of my own well being.
I feel better already!

Tootsie,

Don't be angry at him..because he didn't help you with your divorce..

Okay,now you had hit rock bottom..we ALL need to hit rock bottom sometimes..and have nobody to help pick up the pieces..so that we can see that our lives need to change..It's called Tough Love..

If you haven't already...Look to God---

What a load of crap!

Family is all anyone has when the chips are down.
Tough love is a name given for people who just plain give up on their family and want to find a way to relieve their guilt.
Anyway, you don't know my story. I am sure it is completely different to yours, which I don't know either.
Turn to God? That is a very weird thing to say.
People like you are very sad.
God knew the answer to spirituality, it is shown in acts of love. Perhaps you had better turn to him, and ask him to teach you a little about what spirituality really is.

Hmmm...

I'm sorry if I upset you--

but in my opinion, what I said is NOT a load of crap..as sometimes, love is best shown by allowing others to hit rock bottom so that they have no where to turn for help--but to God..

And there comes a time when even family members have a RIGHT to say NO to protect themselves from others who have repeatedly stepped over their boundaries, by turning to them and asking to be bailed out of trouble..only to see them in the same place again six months later..because they didn't learn anything..except that no matter what I do, no matter how far into debt I get, no matter who I marry..My family will ALWAYS be there to bail me out..

Sometimes people have to set boundaries for themselves in order to stop people from repeatly hurting them emotionally...EVEN FAMILY!!!

Even God has boundaries..and does not always show His love through giving people "exactly" what they want..He shows His love by saying NO as well
and through discipline..

And your right, tough love is when you've realized there is NOTHING you can do to help this person change..Only God can do that..so you let them fall--it doesn't mean you no longer love them
it just means you will no longer bail them out of their troubles..you will no longer be there to pick up the pieces for them...Yes, you can be there for them and show them love by supporting their decisions--but it doesn't mean you have to constantly give and do for them things they can do for themselves..

Your right I don't know your story, but the little bit I've read here..this specifically

--"I used to have problems surrounding alcohol abuse but have since changed"--

When you were going through your divorce how did your brother know that you wouldn't have used the money to buy alcohol? How did he know if he had helped get your divorce that you would not have stopped mid stream and said.."Stop..I don't want to do this??" How did he know how much You had changed? How did he know you wouldn't have later turned on him for helping you do something you later regretted, only to see you go back to this person?

yes, you may be married to a wonderful man now, and turned your life around..but apparently your brother doesn't trust that right now..and the only way to re-build that trust is consistantly showing him how you have changed..

Not lashing out at him when he lashes at you..
just accepting he's still hurt..and needs time to see the changes..and to heal..

You said--

---"He sent me a reply that was very angry, intimidating and insulting. And he never addressed any of my issues."--

So e-mail him back and explain that you will not except this kind of treatment from him, acknowledge that yes, you have done many things that have hurt him and that you are sorry, but that does not give him the right to insult you..

I'm sure he feels justified in his anger..just as you feel you are..

And as far as his intimidations go, he can't intimidate you unless you allow it..he doesn't control you--and when you get angry and lash out because of what he said..you are allowing HIM to have control over you..

And as far as his not addressing 'your' issues,
e-mail him again, and explain "this is what you would like to discuss..not those other issues"
if he feels these OTHER issues are more important,
then step back and HONESTLY look at those issues and see where they fit..acknowledge his hurts just as you want him to acknowledge yours..

Validate his feelings, by saying, "you know your right, I did that, and I am very sorry, will you forgive me?"

Are these things easy? No, not at all, but in order to really heal and reconcile a relationship you have to work through the pain that you caused the other person..but in order to do that, you first have to acknowledge that what you did..

but you know, your brother may not be willing to acknowledge what he did to you..because that would
require him to look within himself, and change..
and he may not think he needs to change..