After finding out about the ow's pregnancy, did any of you have to deal with the affair continuing off and on?Let me explain. As some of you know, we were separated when my husband met the ow. She got pregnant after he told her we were going to reconcile.They were still living together at the time. Since the birth of the child 18 months ago, she has told me on 3 separate occassions that their affair has been off and on.Of course my h denies this everytime. My ? is how can he ,if it is true, continue contact with her? Wouldn't the fact that she has come to be with the infi scare him enough?He obviously wants to be here with me, so why take the chance? I do feel confident that their relationship has been non-existent at least for at least 8 months,but is the waffling just part of the deal? I thought at this point he would hate her guts because off all of the despair and trouble she has caused.Are these relationships with these op that addictive?

Dear blue,<P>One of the most shocking things for me was to find out that h wrote a "love letter" to ow shortly after our official reconciliation date. Up until we officially made the decision to make our marriage work, h had waffled back and forth between us for a few months. But I had always believed that once we truly got back together, his contact with ow stopped dead. In fact, he wrote and mailed a letter right after that. I found this out because it was included in the domestic relations file as "evidence" that he had slept with her. They used this to order the DNA test. I know for a fact that the letter was the last contact he had with ow on his own, but it was still heartbreaking to read it, especially since it showed how ambivilant he was feeling about US at the time, and it talked about how he felt bad that he "hurt" her, and how much he missed her. She was definitely a sort of addiction to him then. One of the things, though, that makes it a little easier to bear is that h had the domestic relations files first, and could have easily taken the letter out of it so that I would never know about its existance. but he chose to be completely honest with me, even though he was afraid that when I saw it I might be so upset that I would react by saying I wanted a divorce - which I did do, by the way. but I only said it for a few minutes before I recanted.<P>for us, I didn't feel "safe" about him wanting me until we had moved 400 miles away from ow. It took having that distance between them for my h to really come out of the "fog" and start to be the husband to me that he is today. I have not one shred of doubt about his loyalty since then, but I have the letter tucked away in a safe place. Every now and then when I am feeling particularly masochistic, I get it out and reread it. One of these days, I really am going to have to just throw it away once and for all.<P>Anyway, I think that yes, the op really are that addictive to the ws. that's why it's recommended that contact stop completely between spouse and op. I think that your h is going to have to figure out that even if the affair is over, your marriage can't heal entirely if he keeps having contact with ow. The fact that there is a child involved sure makes this harder to work around. But my guess is that if he was truly out of the "addiction stage" he would be feeling more disgusted by ow's presence. From everything I have read, there are few ws who actually "like" the op after the affair is completely over, because they see them as the source of all the trouble and pain in their lives. My h truly cannot stand ow.<P>blue, I am going to pray that you and your h can come to joint agreement on this stuff. It must be so terribly hard to have to wonder about this all the time. I will also pray for your peace of mind. And I will pray that what ow is telling you is nothing but filthy lies.<BR>With love,<BR>-cd

I don't now at this point if he ikes her. He displays disgust with her around many people.People e has no idea I confide in.I do know that he regularly ignores her calls.Both our office phone and his cell phone have caller i.d. He intentionally ignores her quite a bit. Ha even said ,not only to me, that she is the biggest mistake of his life and the primary source of his msery.But still he just doesn't seem to be able to cut all unecessary contact with her. iIchecked his last cell bill and there was only 1 call to her the entire month. Normally they are at least a few more, but I don't know. He hasn't been up to see the oc in atleast 3 weeks.

Blue00, My case was different. H ended the thing by not taking any more calls from her. One day she called from a phone booth (about 6 wks later) to say she was pregnant! That was sometime in Sept. He did yell at her and beg her to end preg. which she flatly refused. I think he thought I'd never find out. Then he was forced to tell me. <P>She hasn't called since the day he moved home in early Dec.<P>He is absoloutly through w/her and was since start of last summer. he was with he 2x's during that period as she threatened to "tell". Then one day (too late) he called her bluff and said "go ahead". Then she called like a wild woman and w/caller ID he wouldn't answer!!!<P>Sometimes I wonder if it's really my h's baby. So does he. We will have to wait. See, she is preg. but he wonders if she said it was his to force him to tell me about them.<P>Stranger things have happened I guess.<P>I will not allow myself to think that though as it well may be his as a "trap" of saying "there, now try to get away!"<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear blue,<P>Do not underestimate the power of a scorned OW to make trouble. The OW in my case would call me from time to time and imply that my H had just left her bed. None of it was true.<P>My H and I had some very angry confrontations over this and he denied it vehemently. Finally, we had a heart to heart talk and I believed him completely. He also said that, since he would visit the OC, she had the knowledge of when he was not at home and used that to pretend that he was still carrying on the affair with her.<P>My H also said that after the pregnancy he was scared to death to touch the woman. You know what they say, once bitten twice shy.<P>Be cautious about believing the OW over your H since you are working so hard to restore your marriage. OW's are not known for their honesty. Of course, our H's have been dishonest too, but they are trying to repent.<P>I am praying for your strength to get through this ordeal.<BR>love<BR>- heavenly

My H waffled, although I didnt know about it for about a yr after we had gotten together. We actually had never officially seperated. My H was in another st bc of the military and that was where he met ow. We were physically serperated for a year and a half which was when affair started. After she found out she was pregnant and he confessed all to me, me and my daughter drove there to talk with him. He cried and cried and I prayed and prayed and he couldnt believe I would still be with hima nd he doesnt deserve me and he loves me....yada yada yada.<BR>Found out later that when I went home after the weekend with him...a wonderful weekend ,btw. He slept with her agian and probably again after that. As a matter if fact ow claims that he slept with her his last night there. I picked him up from there to bring him home and we slept together that night. He denies this of course, but for some reason I believe her on this one.<BR>Anyway I still feel that he felt for her for quite a while after we left. As CD said she was an adiction and I think he went through withdrawl. It was a rough time. Whether or not they all go through it I do not know, but mine did. We were on one side of the country and she was on another so I didnt worry about the physical thing but I think I would have.<BR>But now...she is a BIG FAT NOTHING......he is totally disgusted by her and himself now. So I guess maybe they all go through it, I hope not, but watch yourself.<BR>Ill pray for you to be able to handle the feelings that come in this situation and for your H to forget about ow in that sense.<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Broken_Wings

My H continued in affair all last year without my knowledge. Then OC was born and he has used that and the fact that they work together to stay in contact. I guess I could buy into the contact for those reasons, but last month he admitted to sleeping with her in January 2001. The only answer I can come up with on why that occurred is that A is still going on. This woman has cost time money, respect, his family and perhaps his job. I cannot imagine why he doesn't run from her, but he doesn't. Do not presume that just because she has cost him so much that he would turn from her. That is not always the case. <P>Take care... Carolyn

I found out that a couple of days after D-day H and OW arranged to meet for her birthday for a goodbye "f%%%". By God's intervention he got stuck in traffic. She ended up telling me about it. Claims that she wasn't going to go through with it, just wanted to see if he would show up. She says in their discussion they talked about how the "pu&&y" was addictive. She says she asked him if he felt bad now that I knew. He said yes, but he needed to see her one last time. Just before new years is when I found out about this. When I confronted him with it, he broke down crying with shame. Apologized. He will not discuss it anymore. All he would say is it was a moment of weakness and he would never consider it again.<P>I trust him now because we have evolved into a different couple. We are on a different plane. I feel the difference in both our attitudes regarding not only the OW but our everyday life. It's different and better between us. Somehow I just know in my gut. But believe me... that didn't happen overnight.<P>Yes, I think many men are addicted to the thrill of the OW and whatever she provides. I have asked and searched his words to find out what it was she provided. Now I bust my [censored] to make sure I'm giving him those things: great sex, a listening ear, ego stokes, etc. I don't want to be the excuse for him to ever have to go to her or anyone else for that mater, again.<P>One other thing. We have committed to him talking to me no matter what he's feeling about me or us. That way we can clear the air up and nothing is left to fester into something much worse. This communication is going to be the key to keeping our fidelity in tack. Men are such non talkers by nature. We as women have to incourage it and make a safe enviornment for them to talk without fear of consequences.<P>I hope I've said something that helps.<BR>Good luck,<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.