I am getting married on 10/18/03. I received by fed-ex a letter from a girl who said that she gave birth to my fiance's daughter 10 months ago (which was before my time). I have been with him for 7 years, but we were broken up for 1 year (this is when that child was conceived) When I confronted him with this he said that he was going to tell me before we got married. The girl said that he has had no contact with her. What should I do?

Can you give more information? How long have you been engaged?

I am getting married on 10/18/03. I received by fed-ex a letter from a girl who said that she gave birth to my fiancé’s daughter 10 months ago (which was before my time). I have been with him for 7 years, but we were broken up for 1 year (this is when that child was conceived) When I confronted him with this he said that he was going to tell me before we got married. The girl said that he has had no contact with her. What should I do?

Here are some things that would be helpful to know.

--What had he told you before about his love life during the year you two were apart?
--Had he ever cheated on while the two of you were together?
--I am very curious as to why this woman sent you a letter by fed-ex.
--This woman obviously knows something about you, do you know her?
--Is she trying to break the two of you up?
--Does she want to get back with him?
--Did he know about the birth?
--Is he paying child support?
--Is he involved with this child at all?
--If he is not involved with this child, how do you feel about a man who has a child and then does not take care of it?
--How did you react when you read the letter?
--What have you said to him up to now? (not every word of course, just the jest of it)
--Are you willing to be involved with this child? To be a step mom? As a step mom of 3 (I have one of my own) I can tell you it’s not cake most of the time.
--Are you willing to have this other woman in your life at least until this child is 18… in many ways she and her child will be part of your family.
--Are you willing to share the family resources that would usually go to your children with this other child? Many women have a very hard time with this. Even if the child came from a previous marriage, they become angry about what they feel belongs to their children going to another woman’s children.

Well let’s see.. He really should have told you this before asking you to marry him, as there are things to consider. But both he and you know that. But it’s not the worse thing a guy can do. This is an issue of character. How honest has he been with you in the past?

His not telling you is lying by omission. I’m sure he thought about telling you a zillion times but was afraid he’s loose you if you knew. He has to earn back some trust from you. At the same time this is a great opportunity for you to show him that it is safe to be open and honest to you. You do that by being honest about the way you feel with out love busting (no yelling or disrespectful judgments). I was very careful about this when I found out about my h’s infidelity. If he was going to trust me with his deepest secrets, I had to let him know that it was safe tell me. I promised him that I would never use the knowledge to hurt him. Sometimes, during recovery, it was not easy to stick by that but I did. I also told him that I really needed to know the truth no matter how hard or awful it was. That if he lied to protect me, in the end it was really just one more lie. He slowly learned that it was ok to tell me anything. Even if I was hurt or upset by it we worked it out.

There are two things I’d suggest.

1) Before you marry him read through the material on this web site and read the MB books, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. The MB rules for marriage include radical honesty. You may want to ask him to fill out the person history questionnaire. And of course you do the same. This will put on the table all the little secrets each of you has so that the other knows exactly whom they are marrying.

Now that I know about MB, I’d not marry a man until he at least attended an MB pre-marriage weekend with me. There is just so much good stuff.

2) Do not marry him until you feel absolutely ok about it. Many people will go on with a wedding only because it’s planned. They grow to regret it later. Your date can always be moved. You have a lifetime together if it all works out. Take your time to make sure you are all right with all of this.

the girl said that she has been trying to reach him and he told her that he was getting married and he is very happy and does not want anything to do w/her or her child, I spoke with the girl on the phone w/him yesterday, she said he hasn't even seen the baby. We have been together 7 years we also have a 4 year old, we were broken up for a year 1/2, this is when the oother child was conceived. to be honest, i don't care if he is not involved with the other child. I made it perfectly clear to her that I would not accept this child (I know it sounds cold, but I can't fake)

You may want to post your issue in the ‘Pregnancy/Child’ forum. It deals with issues of a child born from an affair. Though in reality this was not an affair, I’d think that many of the issues are the same.

The problem I here is that I believe that a man has a moral obligation to at the very least support financially any of his children, no matter the circumstances of their conception. I also feel that it’s morally right for him to be a father to the child. The child is blameless here.

It’s really not cold to want nothing to do with them. You have no connection to them and they threaten the well being of your child and you.

Yet I also understand your desire to protect your child and yourself. It’s a matter of survival. And why should your child and you have to suffer for what he’s done? You had not chance to consent to this.

But I’ve never had to deal with this. I’m not too much help I suppose.

What was the reason this woman was looking for him? Is she going to sue for child support? It would be reasonable if she does to have a paternity test done.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

I guess this "girl" thought by her sending me the letter that she would sabotage our wedding, but it will not, she said that she does not want child support, but he went to the courts today and asked for DNA and a child support order if it is his, he only wants to provide financial support. I think that she had a hidden motive for the letter, but it back-fired on her! IT IS PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILD!