In the past two weeks, my husband has revealed to me that he has had an on/off affair for the last several months. During the last off period, his lover has informed him that she is pregnant and she is going to have a baby. <P>We do not have children. We have been married for 7 years and have been trying ever since. I am 42 and he is 41. He has an 18 year old son from a previous marriage. He was not active in this child's life until in the last 4 years. He resents that and for that reason I am sure that he desparately wants to have another child/or children so that he can be the father that he never was with his son.<P>However, before we were married we extensively discussed the possibility that I may not be able to have children. We are both born-again belivers, and we are believing God for our miracle, but I stated before marriage that it would have to be a miracle of God, and that I would not consider having children through any other means.<P>Before reading the book, "Surviving An Affair", by Dr Harley, Jr, and Dr Chalmers, I told my husband that the only way that I, or our marriage would be able to survive this affair would be for him to end all contact with this person. He wants to keep in touch with this individual, to make sure that she and the pregnancy is doing fine. Then, after the baby is born, he is going to want to be a part of raising this child. He feels that my request is unfair, his response was, "How could I ask him to do this".<P>In the chapter, "How should Affairs End?" it says, and I quote, "I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommmend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover." <P>My question is, How can this be applied to my situation? Is it unfair of me to ask for this complete separation, and if it is can our marriage survive the constant contact that it would take with the other women to accomplish what my husband view as his responsibility.<P>Even if he agrees to not see her during the pregnancy, I think he will still call her and she will call him. And even if he agrees now not to have anything to do with this child, I know that this will change after the baby is born, and I know our marriage will not survive this.<P>My husband thinks that I have been unfair in not seeking other means of getting pregnant, so inspite of my promise to myself or what we have discussed before we got together, I am now thinking of other alternatives to getting pregnant. I want a child very much and it pains me that I have not conceive yet, but I know in my heart that my decision to seek out other means at this point is due to the fact that this other women is carrying my husband's child. Am I wrong in my motives?<P>I feel that I am wrong to ask my husband to cut off all ties with this women, because of the baby, but I do not see how I will survive this affair otherwise.

Ineed more info please. Is the affair over? Have you spoken to this ow? My h pleaded with his ow not to have the baby, but she said, after 4 previous abortions with different men, said that <BR>"this baby wants to be born".yadda,yadda,yadda...She knew how devoted my h is to our children, so she knew he wouldn't turn his back on this one. N ot to mention it's his only girl. The baby is 18 months old and he sees her about once a month and gives child support. The exow calls him frequently on his cell phone and discusses this and that. Ihave never been a part of the visitation or decision making.

Hurtinpain,<BR>I'm so sorry that you have been forced to join our group but I am glad you have found us.<BR>There are several people on this board who's H have no contact with oc by choice. In my case, my H wants NOTHING to do with oc. There are others who's H has no contact in order to try and save their marriage.<BR>It really should be a joint decision on how much if any contact H has with oc. If there is to be visitation it must be made perfectly clear from the start that you and he are a team. Any contact with OW should be made by you, your H should have NO contact with her.<BR>Please continue to post. There are many wonderful people on this site that will help you cope with this.<P>Jtigger

Dear hurtinpain,<P>I was not planning to get on the computer tonight, but I think that your post was calling to me. Our stories are very similar and I know first-hand the pain you are in. <P>My H and I had been trying for nearly 7 years to have a child. He had two children from a previous marriage and I was devastated that year after year passed without our conceiving the child I had dreamed of. <P>There was no pain I could have imagined as terrible as the pain I felt when he told me that another woman was carrying his child. He was having casual sex with her off and on and yet she was able to so easily do what had eluded me for our entire married life. At the time he told me, I was in a support group for infertile women and he was truly worried that I might simply lose my mind from the emotional torture.<P>I told my H the same thing, that I wanted no contact with the OC and I did not want him to have any. Yet, like yours, my H felt this pull to the OC and wanted to ensure that she was alright. He had minimal communication with the OW during the pregnancy, but when she went into labour she called him to take her to the hospital. He went and that almost broke up our marriage right there.<P>Being present at the birth is NOT support for the child, who will not remember whether the parents were there or not -- that is support for the OW and I believe that type of support should be avoided at all costs. <P>After the birth, I agreed to try visitation but after one visit, my H saw what this child's existence did to me and he stopped visitation on his own. However, I found out last year that, for the last few years, he has been sneaking to see the OC. Finding that out was like being betrayed all over again and put us back where we started after what seemed like years of successful recovery.<P>For the first 3 to 4 months, you can expect to be a complete wreck. Your emotions are extremely raw and you will be on a roller coaster ride feeling pain, sadness, grief, anger -- everything. It may not be a good idea to finalize any plans at this moment because of the fact that you are so emotionally unsettled right now.<P>I am a devout Catholic and I too believe that God leads us where He wants us to go. I have witnessed a real-life miracle in my own life. God saved my life from illness when doctors say I should not have survived. But I do not see anything wrong with our using the angels that he has placed on this earth to help us.<P>In my case, I saw fertility specialists, I had surgery to open up blocked tubes, I took medications and I would have tried in-vitro fertilization if I had to. My story had a happy ending because I managed to become pregnant. Perhaps your story can end on a happy note too. You obviously have a lot of love to give a child.<P>I've read many of the books on relationships and they all say that even though it may be something horrible that kicks your marriage -- it doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes you re-assess your life, and start again on a happier path. If your H has re-committed himself to you then you are already started on the right path. To try other means to have a child is a wonderful thing, regardless of how the idea came about.<P>You are only two weeks into discovery, absolutely nothing that you think or feel is unreasonable. Your H should be concentrating on doing anything and everything that will help make up this terrible thing to you. Many of us have felt that our marriages would not survive contact. And, in my case, my H does not resent me because I cannot allow the child to be a part of my life. But, we have talked openly and honestly about this and he knows I am not being malicious -- I simply cannot have a constant reminder of the lowest point in our marriage constantly in our relationship.<P>Take it one day at a time, and see how you feel as time progresses. There have been some women that changed their minds about contact once their emotions had settled and they were more in touch with what they were feeling. The choice will have to be based on what is in your own heart and mind, but you can vent your feelings here and many others will tell you their stories. You will find great comfort by knowing that you are not alone.<P>My prayers will be with you as you start on this journey. We are all here to help you.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

Dear Hurtinpain,<P>Welcome to our sad group. I am so happy that you were able to find this site so early in your discovery, that will help you. My H is one that will not have any contact what so ever. I understand your feelings, I could not have contact with the OC. I can't imagine that added pain of wanting to have a child. That would be just like another stab in the heart. <P>I do believe like Heavenly, that there are angels on this earth, and that you shouldn't feel that going to doctors is going against what you believe. Be strong in your faith, it will see you through the darkest hours. Keep coming here and we will be here to walk with you through each step. You and your H need to be united. Your in my prayers in the difficult time.<P>babstr.

I am new into discovery too. I have been married almost 25 years but found out 5 weeks ago my husband had had an affair for 3 years, on and off, which begat a child now age 1.We waited a long time to have kids, I then had fertily problems like you, multiple miscarriages, and finally had two children who are now 8 and 4.They are the love of my and husband's life. Right now, I cannot fathon any involvement with the child, and since I know myself pretty well, doubt I will feel differently. My husband wants involvement with child, had some before I knew of her existence, and has told me on at least one occasion he misses her tremendously. he actually thought I would accept visitation and have her stay in our home. My children know the child slightly as a"aquaintance's child" and have had some contact with her before I knew of who this child really is.The OW actually thinks her child has the right to know my kids as half siblings.Right now I have told my husband I want no contact between the kids, and my kids have not been told anything of the truth. My husband wants to tell them,right now I cannot see any good coming out of that but pain for them I cannot bear.I can barely tolerate the thought of the other child, I cannot see what the kids would do of that. I right now cannot tell anyone of this affair and pregnancy/child, my husband says he cannot live this lie for life, I have told him I may have to as I cannot bear what people will think, including our families and close friends, if this was found out. I worry the child will break us up, because I am not convinced he will put our relationship and our children above his perceived sense of responsibility for the OC. I keep telling him the child was a mistake, he had hoped an abortion or adoption would occur but OW would not go for that. Now the child is here, he feels he should be known to her and have a relationship with her. I pray for a miracle the OW will meet a man to truly father the child and keep my husband out of their life, but right now she is adamant of keeping him involved.As of now, with a lot of pressure from me and seeing how it has affected me, my H has no contact with OW or child, for now. He says he hardly thinks of OW at all-which hurts somehow since the affair is off for 2 months and already she is in the backround. He put so much chaos in our life for a woman he forgets a month or so later?Anyway, that is my story. More to follow, and I am sorry this has happened to you as well. I am still in bad pain daily. I cannot believe what I thought was my happy life is ruined, and I worry daily if I will ever recover. I am scared of divorce for our kids, scared the child will force me to do that.<BR>W

Hurtinpain,<BR>I really can't add anymore then whats already been said right now other than I am so sorry you have to be another one that has been put into a situation that you would have to join us. We are going on 2 yrs recovery now and it has been a very hard road. The oc is 1 1/2 yrs old we have no contact h choice. We will all try to help as much as possible. with love flowerseed

I'm sad to have to welcome you to our club. And it amazes me how all of a sudden we have a huge influx of women who are struggling with the issue of having to accept or not accept the OC into their lives. In the sake of time I'd like to paste my response to LSB on this very issue.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>lsb, i think heavenly said it best here. the strenght of your marriage and your committment to one another is what will ultimately guide you to your descision.<P>I am one of the members here who has allowed the OC to be apart of our lives. At first I was so like many of the BS's here who adamantly refused to open myself to the idea. But over time, long discussions with H, and deep inner discovery I realized that to not allow OC into our lives would cause more pain to my husband and our children in the long run. <P>What I had to do was get past my own hurt and pain and be that "selfless" person that heavenly referred to. It is extremely hard when you are hurting from the devastation of discovery. This is the time when I felt like he owed me everything and should bow down to my needs and my feelings. That kind of "you owe me" attitude, I felt, was detremetal to my marriage. I asked myself, if I've truely forgiven him how can I think he owes me. True forgiveness includes repentance, but not forever paying a debt to another. <P>I think of it in terms of my relationship with God. If I have sinned, I ask God for forgiveness. I repent and he abolishes me of my sin. He does not require me to continue to "pay" for that sin. By asking H to deny his flesh and blood I would be asking him to "pay" for his sin for the rest of his life. Eventually he would resent me for it. I could not allow myself to cause a rift that would certainly develop in years to come. I imagined the pain my husband would feel if in 15 years or so the OC showed up on his doorstep and wanted to know why he discarded her. What would he say... my wife made me do it. I couldn't live with that.<P>Accepting the OC is no easy task. I struggle with my decision often. But I try to keep focused on the bigger picture.. my marriage and my family. The OC/OW are outside factors that I refuse to let come between my husband and I. <P>One important factor is your husband's committment to you and your marriage. If he isn't 100% committed to you (and you feel it with your gut) it won't work for you. You have to know he wants NOTHING to do with the OW and you have to know that he sees that OC as completely separate from it's mother.<P>My H's re-committment to me is aparant EVERY day. What more could I ask of him. He deserves a committed wife who trusts, loves and respects and supports his decision regarding the fruit of his seed.<P>One little thing I want to add to my rant. I've said this many times here on the forum. My sweetest revenge will come one day when the OC will want to live with our loving and stable household. I know it will come. And that day I will be on top of the world with my loving husband and beautiful kids by my side. The OW can't touch what I got, not now and not ever again.<P>I hope my words have given you a perspective into what went into my decision making process. Dig deep into your heart and soul and play out all senario's in your mind. Then discuss them with you H. You might surprise yourself with your inner strength.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>i do wish you best of luck in your struggle. you sound like a God fearing woman and if you look to him he will guide you in the right direction.<P><BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Zebrababy,<P>Thanks for your post. You answered a lot of questions that I had about the OC.<P>My marriage ended last June after enduring 7 affairs. My XH felt that it was easier to divorce me instead of telling me the truth and working on our marriage. The first affair that he had lasted 5 years with a old GF from high school. <P>After my divorce, the OW's (the old GF from high school) XH and I became good friends. We shared a common tradegy and out of that tragedy we became good friends. The OW decided that since my XH wanted nothing to do with her, she wanted her XH husband back. She is a very deviant person. (In fact, her counselor has stated that she has absolutely no conscious. He feels that she is capable of anything. He stated that she is one of the most deviant females that he has counseled.)<BR>The OW constantly called her XH, my friend, and put major guilt trips on him for not trying to put the family back together now that she was ready. After several months of vomiting acts, psychotic fits of rage, and guilt trips, he decided to try one more time just so that he could have a clear conscious. (She had convinced him that it was his fault she had the affair because he was not there for her and she had no other choice.) After being with her one week, he knew that he could not live with a person that constantly emotionally abused him. <P>While he was at home, he went to bed with her. (They had major sex problems that involved going to doctors to try and fix the problem) He wanted to see if the problems were real or if the sex problems were due to her having an affair. She got pregnant. <P>Since that time, we have gotten very close. We have discussed our relationship in great detail along with the child that his XW is carrying. She has made it clear all along that she will due whatever it takes to destroy our relationship. I thing that getting pregnant, in her mind, was the pawn that would bring her XH back home. I am in love with this man. He is absolutely devasted with what has happened even though he knows that he is partly responsible. He wants 50/50 visitation with the OC. I think that I could handle just the child but it is the XW I don't want to deal with.<P>You helped me with that struggle when you stated:<P>"I struggle with my decision often. But I try to keep focused on the bigger picture.. my marriage and my family. The OC/OW are outside factors that I refuse to let come between my husband and I."<P>Even though I am not married to this man, I am at the point to decide whether or not I should stay with this man. I am in love with this man. We have a wonderful friendship. We are also going to counseling to help us determine 1). Is this relationship based on need or love, and 2). How do we handle the OC if indeed it is his.<P>I realize that some would say "tuck your tail and run for your life". If the XW was not pregnant with OC, I would not run. Should I run just because htere is another peice of baggage?<P>Hope I have not gotten too far off the subject.<BR>